The Daily Thing – Day Eighteen (SWA Battlezone 2013 Review)

I actually had a rerr idea for this today, but I’ve no got time tae write it, so I’ll probably dae that the morra, until then here’s another completely phoned in effort, as we transfer the SWA Battlezone 2013 Review from the old site tae this one. I’m no re-reading it, so please excuse the many glaring inaccuracies as and when you find them, and stay beautiful. Always stay beautiful.


SWA – Battlezone 2013 Review

It had been my intention for a while tae get along and see a non ICW Scottish promotion, so with ICWs biggest show ever upon us, it wis only right to get along to the Motherwell Concert Hall and whet the appetite with some SWA. Especially considering how stacked the card was, wae a cheeky wee appearance from the legend that is Ultimo Dragon, and huge matches between Joe Coffey and Rampage Brown, and of course the triple threat match for the SWA Title between Mikey Whiplash, Jack Gallagher and SCOTLANDS BEEEEEST WRESTLER Jackie Polo. Not forgetting Motherwells ain (unless the ring announcer fella wis tellin us porkies) Fiona Fraser taking on the 10th wonder of the world, Viper.

We got there just before the madness began and were shown round tae seats next tae where the wrestlers entered. This wis teemin wae weans. Chock full of the wee ankle biters. I’m no one of these folk that cannae go weans, but A LOT of weans? I wis instantly apprehensive. What if one of the hinks I’m their da? or Santa Claus cause of the beard? These were aw legit concerns, but much to my delight, the weans were fuckin hilarious. One felt so passionately about his hatred for Viper he stood on his chair, screamin “Viper! you’re rubbish!” before sitting back down, probably thinking to himself “that’s her tellt” Another wee boy hilariously piped up during the 6 man tag involving Ultimo Dragon and declared that “Ultimo Dragon…ahm your da!” and the wipespread hatred for Jackie Polo was almost palpable. The champion, Mikey Whiplash actually got a very positive reaction from some of the bairns, but he stayed true to his heel character, and demanded that the weans were restrained when he made his entrance, before telling a particularly loud heckler that “I’LL TAKE YOU DOWNTOWN!”

SWA is obviously a different show from ICW, so most of the wrestlers have entirely different characters, none more so than the bold Joe Coffey…

Joe Coffey vs Rampage Brown

The opening few seconds of Rocks Off by The Roling Stones are unmistakable. So when I heard it filter through the Motherwell Concert Hall, I just assumed it was for Rampage. So hard wired to Joe Coffey being a man to be feared in ICW, I hadn’t considered for a second that HE might actually be the good guy here. He is the good guy, and its wonderful. Oot he comes, flingin his hair aboot and soakin the first three rows wae whitever he puts in there. Him and Mark actually, their hair just NEVER dries mate. That cannae just be water daein that can it? Anyway aye, Rampage emerges and threatens to slap some children so that’s it confirmed, he’s the heel. The match itself was a stoater imo. Match of the night for me. Started off with some excellent mat wrestling, and a nice snapmare fae Rampage let ye know that he could mix it up with Joe technically. Then they have a wee shoulder block war, and neither man budges, but finally Joe nailed Rampage with a flying shoulderblock to take the big yin aff his feet. Then we had a battle of wills in the suplex department, with both men trying and failing to get each other up for suplexes, only for Coffey to once again win that battle. Rampage did have a period of dominance though, wearing Joe down with a series of chinlocks, before following up a big elbow to the solar plexus wae a camel clutch. It was my first time seeing Rampage and I was hugely impressed. Fantastic mover for a man his size, and just a proper old school nasty heel. Reminded me of his namesake Bad News Brown. The match is brought to a close by a fantastic combination of moves fae the bold Mr Coffey. First he hits a series of uppercuts, forcing Rampage intae the corner, then he hits the big splash, before a picture perfect gutwrench suplex, then he done that thing where he lariats ye oot yer boots, and that was that. Brilliant opener, proper hard hitting battle so it wis.

Viper vs Fiona Fraser

Enjoyed this. Once again I misjudged who’d be the good yin and who’d be the bad yin, but I didnae know Fiona Fraser was a local tbh. The weans really fuckin hate Viper man. I dunno whit it is about her. Never heard such vociferous hatred for a burd come from the wee monsters. Shame cause she seems like a lovely lassie. Mibbe she’d gie ye sweeties or suhin if ye wurnae callin her shite aw the time. Match was good, if a wee bit short. Fiona Fraser hits a nice wee move early on, like an armbar then she pulls the arm down on tae her knees. We’ll caw it an armbreaker since I don’t know its proper name, but it had viper shooglin her arm aboot and gien it the “ooh that wis sare” face. Fraser locks in a crossarmbreaker later, but Viper fought out of it, before hitting a sare looking move for the win. I don’t know its name, nor could I describe it eloquently enough for ye tae know what I’m on about, but basically she dropped poor Fiona Fraser on her heid, and that’s always a sare dunt.

Ultimo Dragon, Solar and Tornado vs Mark Coffey, Chris Saynt and Lewis Girvan

This match couldn’t have been longer than 10 minutes, but it had about an hours worth of action on it. I’ll no lie tae ye, I couldnae keep up in terms of taking notes. So I eventually just gied up and let my brain absorb as much of it as possible. Interesting dynamic tae, as both teams appeared tae be crowd favourites. I was watchin weans in masks high 5 Chris Saynt n wondered if they’d lost the plot, these urnae the masked guys! Then the masked avengers emerged, before the legend himself, Ultimo Dragon joined them. Belter of a pop for him of course. The action was at a frenetic pace, interestingly we started with Solar vs Coffey, giving ICW fans a wee preview of their match of Sunday. A few armdags from Solar on the much bigger Coffey, so that was impressive. Then Ultimo Dragon was finally tagged in and we got some beautiful kicks from him, and a braw missile dropkick if I recall correctly. Of all the talented wrestlers on display, I have to say it was Lewis Girvan who impressed me the most of the 6. He lays Solar out flat (or Tornado…Or Dragon…SOMEONE WITH A MASK AWRITE?) before landing on his chest back first. Dragon gets back in and hits a picturesque droptoehold and then madness ensued. Everyoe had a wee shot at getting the finish, with crossbodies, boston crabs and aw sorts. Solar hit a perfect superkick, but it came down to Girvan and Tornado and Girvan hits the double armed DDT for the win. All 6 men shook hands after and it was aw very civil. Sporting integrity wins the day. Cracking match though, Ultimo Dragon looks just as good as he did in his heyday

Mikey Whiplash vs Jackie Polo vs Jack Gallagher (SWA Title Match)

So Jackie Polo is a genius in case ye didnae know. He emerges with his usual routine, singing his own theme song and having everyone in the crowd eating out the palm of his hand. Whether ye love him, hate him, or think he’s Mr Perfects illegitimate offspring, everyone takes notice. He makes an impression, and that what its aw about eh? Was my first time seeing Jack Gallagher and he seems to be over with the crowd. Very talented guy anaw, one of those faces that’s a bit of a wide-o anyway, a cheeky faced face so he is. Then Whippy emerges and most of the weans waiting next tae the the entrance tae high 5 the wrestlers just kinda quietly sat doon n started lookin feart. They know the score, Whippys no got a minute of time for their nonsense.
After all 3 men testing their reactions from the crowd, with Gallagher getting loudly cheered, and Whippy and Polo only really cheered by wee pockets of adults in the crowd, a match broke out. Gallagher got rid of Polo early on, and had a nice exchange with Whippy to start us off. Polo gets back in the ring and hits a dropkick, before all 3 men get into a test of strength, which leds to Gallagher taking both Polo and Whiplash down. Gallagher then tries tae roll both of them up, but to no avail, before Polo and Whippy get sick of the kerry oan, and decide tae team up. They take shots each of hitting scoop slams on Gallagher, before teaming up for a double scoop slam and Jack Gallagher can officially consider himself scooped and slammed. Nae doobt. Gallagher and Polo exchange forearm smashes on the outside, and Whiplash decided tae break up that party wae a wee baseball slide, but his intended target Gallagher moves out the way, and he hits Polo instead. Jackie isnae a happy chappy, but Whippy insists it was an accident and we’re aw pals again. Gallagher hits a flying headbutt, before Polo takes over, and hits a backdrop on Gallagher, followed by a top rope elbow drop. Jackie then decides its time tae get a wee bit sneaky, as he grabs his Polo stick, but a stramash ensues which leads the stick into the hands of Mikey Whiplash, and he scuds Gallagher with it, before rolling him up to retain the belt. Cracking match, but someone wisnae happy with the cheating Whiplash utilised tae get the job done and that man was….huge. That man was part owner John Graham, and he announced that the winner of the battlezone would face Mikey Whiplash in A STEEL CAGE. Only problem with that is, we need tae wait till April tae see it.

Oh and he announced that due to his sleekitness, Jackie Polo would enter the Battlezone at number 1 and Jack Gallagher gets number 30 cause he’s sound.

The Battlezone (30 man over the top rope rumble)

Jackie Polo ma man. First we get told that he’s demanded 5 minutes to catch his breath, so the band which played during the interval come oot tae gies another wee song. One problem wae that is that Jackie Polo is Jackie Polo. He disnae need 5 minutes to catch his anything. He comes out lookin like he hadn’t broke sweat, and interrupts the wee sing song. Gies us a wee song of his own, before repeatedly ignoring the singer in the band pleading weith him to let them finish. Ye could tell pretty early on that there was tomfoolery afoot. This wee battle of wills went on for a while, before the singer eventually got lippy wae Jackie, and Jackie decided the disrespect for SCOTLANDS BEEEEST had to end. Snapmare on the singer, followed by a few kicks which sent him fleein doon the stairs. The other band member got his neb in anaw and he got laid out, before Polo made his long awaited return to the ring. A full 5-6 minutes after his match ended. Too long if ye ask me.
The second entrant is Mark Coffey and at that point I was fine in terms of keeping track of things. Then it aw got a bit hazy. A man in a black mask called the Machine came oot, kinda crawled roon the ring looking glum, before disappearing to the back again. I assumed he’d re-surface but unless I missed it, he didnae (I did miss it, just been told he went in and got eliminated) before none other than the lead singer of the band Joe Hendry emerges! and he makes a beeline for Polo. Uppercutting him daft, before sending him over the top rope. At which point I stood up n left, cause I wis there for Polo mate!
Nah I jest. Joe Hendry looked like he was rerrin tae go right enough, until he got papped out soon after. We also saw an appearance from Kirkys own, the bold Jam O’Malley, and he joined forces with a few other shady looking characters, before Joe Coffey entered later and papped them all oot. We got to around the 20 mark for entrants when none other than Viper emerged. Most of the guys backed off her, I think more out of fear for their lives than fear of hitting a burd. Motherwells own Fiona fraser then entered a papped Viper out to a huge pop, but her joy was short lives as she was eliminated shortly after. Then we got down to the big hitters, with Damian O’Connor entering the fray. Absolute bear of a man so he is. Even the weans were too feart to give him any lip.

I’m no entirely sure when this happened, but I know I marked out hard for it. At some point in the action, after working together for long spells of the rumble, Joe Coffey just decides to grab his brother by the ankles and perform the Cesaro spins on him. Imagine that wis yer life, just at yer work, swinging yer wee brerr aboot daft. Ye’d have it made in the shade eh? Extremely impressive though. Mark Coffeys a big lad anaw, and Joe spun him at least 10 times.

Unfortunately Mark was eliminated soon after, and we got down to a final 3 of Jack Gallagher, Joe Coffey and Rampage Brown. The crowd were favouring Gallagher slightly, but Brown chucked him out, so it was down to the same men who opened the show to bring it to an end. With Gallagher out, everyone in the building was behind yer Joe Coffey, and he didnae disappoint. The two men exchange brutal forearms, before Rampage winds up on the apron and Coffey dropkicked him out to win the Battlezone.

Here’s a thing btw. Joe Coffey does a wee erse shake tae his music. Joe Coffey, a guy who I once seen pretty much try n kill Grado. Shakin his erse. Scottish Wrestling is a strange and wonderful thing so it is.

Overall I thoroughly enjoyed my first SWA show. Its a special thing to have folk of such mixed ages all engrossed in the action. Card was stacked anaw. All involved should be proud of that show, I’d gie it a right solid 8.5 Tiger Bombs oota 10.


So aye. That happened. Here’s a wee video of Wolfgang and Rampage Brown knocking fuck out each other to soften the blow of this being entirely unoriginal material. Good day x

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