WWE RAW Review 07/07/2014 (written by Martin Smith, filling in for Martin Smith)

raw

I was supposed to be having a few weeks off fae RAW duties, safe in the knowledge that my staff had it covered. Last week I called upon Connie. A respected wrestling reviewer, and prominent member of the deid eyed goth community. She gave a detailed and highly entertaining review of the show. One I enjoyed thoroughly. In the interest of fairness and keeping morale levels among the workforce up, I decided to call upon the other member of my staff, a certain dickpiece by the name of Daaaaavey who made a big song and dance about how he had to get back intae reviewing mode for this gig, and the cunt’s no even came up wae the goods. So here I am, in the middle of a wee hiatus fae WWE…fuckin reviewing some WWE.

I’m no rewatching it, so it’ll be a brief rundown of the things I can remember and how they affected me physically and mentally. Example – “Edge returned to action, cashing in his ‘Coppers in a pot’ contract for a US Title shot, which he lost after having the top part of his jaw Brogue Kicked into the fucking sun, I found this segment to be ok. Ok but boring at the same time. Bo-K’

With the format laid out to you, shall we proceed? Aye fuck it. Lets

Roman Reigns kicked off the show, cutting an extremely erotic (I men eh…..confident) promo where he licks his lips, and calls John Cena a dick. Someone came out. Did anyone come out? I cannae mind. He wants us all to believe he’ll win the fatal 4 way at Battleground. I did for a bit, then i remembered thats daft. He won’t win it. Its Cena vs lesnar at Summerslam probably for the belts. Unless one of them dies. Then it won’t be, cause deid guys can’t officially hold belts.

Dean Ambrose was magnificent as per usual. Battling it out wae Randy Orton in the match of the night, and losing that match cleanly. I fucking loved that in all honesty, cause Dean Ambrose is reckless. He’s unhinged. Unhinged guys sometimes lose. They lose cause they’re too busy being reckless tae give a FUCK about winning. Dean Ambrose is god.

Paige and AJ Lee were a tag team for some reason. Naomi and Cameron officially broke up. Why are the funkadactyls no longer pals but AJ and Paige are? Divas division is a fuckin mess man. Sort that shit out. Get heel AJ feuding wae heel Paige forever, and have them knocking the utter shite out each other in an effort to prove whos the baddest of them all.

Bo Dallas beat El Torito, and the segment re-sold me on Bo, having been a bit fatigued with his routine before. This was fuckin class. Bo showing the violent side when he reacted badly to Torito taking the piss, then knocking him over when he done his wee lap round the ring. HE’S 15 AND BO MAGGLE. THE STREAK LIVES.

Dolph Ziggler lost cause Fandango danced on a table. Just cause he dances go-go, it dont make him a ho no.

Seth Rollins and John Cena had one of the better RAW main events in recent memory. In terms of match quality you could absolutely see why Cena has the belts, and Rollins seems tae be next in line. As much as I think Reigns MIGHT be ready now, he isnae there yet. Then it aw turned intae a stupid bit stramash, with Rollins teasing the cash in AGAIN after Orton and Kane had battered Cena, before Dean Ambrose once again intervened heroically.

Jericho and Miz had a bit of a wrestle. It was fucking good, bar Miz reeling out that eyesore of a figure four and making me spew aw doon myself.

Jericho and Bray Wyatt had one of the best promo duels of the year. This is what Bray and Cena should have been doing, but Cena was too busy trying tae be funny and not putting people over. Its a shame that Jericho isnae really seen as a guy to be taken as a serious threat to Wyatt, cause as good as this feud will be, everyone knows Jericho wont win. He’s there to put folk over, line his pockets, and leave tae sing songs naecunt’s heard. Looking forward to the matches right enough, and I’m delighted Jericho seems to have his old, human shaped chest back. The lease must have been up on that one he was borrowing aff Kofi Kingston. Speaking of Kofi, he beat Cesaro again, this time not on the fuckin app, cause having matches end when the show isnae on air can fuck off, and continue fucking off until off insae even a thing anymore. A forgotten concept. The only way “off” exists, is the continual fucking off that matches ending on the WWE App is doing. Why is Kofi Kingston beating Cesaro? Did this really happen this week, or am I confused? So many questions.

The Usos lost to Harper and Rowan in another brilliant encounter between those two teams. If you’re the type of cunt to complain about WWE doing this match too often, well nae offence, but yer stupid and I hate ye.

Rusev beat RVD in another legit match. RVD had at least 15 offensive moves and even ahd me beleiving he might win for about 15 seconds, so that makes this a fuckin vast improvement to everything Rusev’s done in WWE so far, not including the Big E stuff. Rusev vs face Swagger should be fuckin brillaint. Really looking forward to that.

Sheamus was there.

Nae Big Guy segments whatsoever. Not only did we have nae big guy, we had nae Axe-man either, meaning nae Rybaxel crushin geeks. Nae Rybaxel giving Michael Cole a wedge, and telling him to “stop being a non cold beer drinking coward” . Nae Rybaxel at all, meaning the show might aswell have not fuckin happened.

Last but not least. My main man Bret Hart came strolling out and cut one of the best promos of his career. No really saying much considering he was always pretty shite on the mic, but he was entertaining enough, getting the home crowd going because Damien SandHart came out and hilariously imitated Bret. Claiming he was shite on the mic, having Bret knock him out, before going “Yer right mate, I uhm shite on the mic, but I’m good at punchin cunts” Or words tae that effect.

Overall i thought RAW was a helluva wrestling show. With various men and women daein wrestling things. 7 springboard hurricanrana outta 10. Tune in next week for something that’ll hopefully be better than this shite. 

x

 

 

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