Come on over tae our place. AYE YOU! We’re having a party. Jabs be stingin, and steel chairs swinging, baby come on over tae mine….. And so on and so forth. Aye thats right, starting off a preview for a wrestling show wae a parody of Come on Over To My Place, cause this is not yer average wrestling show. Nor it is yer average house party. It’s a wicked combination of both. A house party with wrestling matches, wrestling angles progressing in various ways, wrestling merchandise being procured, wrestling booze being consumed, wrestling burds being felt up, wrestling swedgers being gubbed in the toilets, wrestling ketamine being stu…well ye get the point. Wrestling things. Perty things. All rolled intae one. This is ICWs second consecutive sell out at the 02 ABC, but because they were allowed to shift a few more tickets than last time, it’s officially ICWS BIGGEST crowd. The biggest thing happening in Glesga this weekend, cause fuck cycling, and fuck swimming, and fuck The Chris Hoy Velodrome, and fuck Celtic Park (only kiddin) and fuck everything that isnae happening at the ABC on Sunday. Everything. Toon better no be fuckin heaving wae commonwealth games punters man. I don’t want tae be superman punching Samoan tourists cause they’re dawdling and making me late for my bus, knahmean? It seems exhausting and we’ll all be needin all the energy we can muster tae make it through what’s sure to be a stoater of a show.
Mark Coffey vs Solar (Zero-G Title Match)
Seems like its been about a year in the making this one eh? Considering Coffeys brutal dissection of Solar was last October, it’s not far off it. The rematch was announced at the awards night, where Solar cut a very Un-Mexican promo about taking Coffeys belt. I’m beginning tae think he’s no actually Mexican ye know? There’s been a few signs here and there. Anyway. I’ve missed wee Solar. Think I’ve only seen him wrestle once, maybe twice this year, and considering he was one of the brightest talents tae break through in 2013, that shit’s nae good. Hugely talented boy, and his match wae Wolfgang was stoating considering the size differential. Injuries have derailed him a bit this year, meaning he wasnt quite ready to return as Still Smokin (his replacement wisnae too bad I guess, some up and coming Irish guy that’s daft for paint) but he deserves this chance, and I’m sure he’ll pepper it wae the usual brand of flippy shit, storytelling and testicular fortitude. Will he end up wae a shiny belt though? Well…in a word, naw.
Mark Coffey is a big dominant bastard and tae me, unless he’s getting pushed tae the fuckin moon, that belt staying where it is makes the most sense. Putting it back on him after the big Devitt moment at the last ABC show was the right move anaw, because yer mid level belt should be a stepping stone for future holders of the big belt, and to me thats what Mark Coffey is. I think they match will be less of a brutal beatdown than the last yin, and they’ll make us believe Solar MIGHT dae it, but Coffey retains in the end. Maybe a wee go at getting Solar tae join the Polo Promotions boys since Kenny’s playing hard tae get? A box of his favourite Mexican chocolates and a wee fishbowl fulla Sangria mixed wae Bucky. So enticing.
Johnny Moss vs Grado
I love Grado. It’s a shame he has tae die. He had perhaps his best moment in wrestling last week at PWE – Gradomania when he took the big shiny belt. It’s a shame he has tae go. Not like this! Say it aint so.
Johnny Moss does not fuck about though. Johnny Moss hurts people. In a refined, technical wrestling type of way, but that disnae detract from the fact that he breaks human beings. At least weekly. Probably daily in some way. And Johnny Moss is upset wae Grado. Why? It doesn’t fuckin matter why. He just is. And when Johnny Moss is booked in a match against someone he’s upset with, he tends to snap some necks. He tends to decimate lesser human beings. Johnny Moss is nae fuckin joke. Did I mention that? Christ. I love ye Grado. I really dae, but this will not end well for you pal. He’s just too much man. There’s nae amount of shake, rattle n rolling, and bionic elbow slingin that can come close tae Mossy lockin his arms roon yer waist, and Belly to Belly throwing ye intae the fuckin Clyde. That being said, Grado will probably win the match…somehow. Wee Boot outta nowhere. Finisher daft.
Joe Coffey vs Jack Gallagher
Too much. Too fucking much. I’ve only seen Jack Gallagher wrestle three times, but the man’s an artist. A wrestler for the purists. A ginger genius. He is everything wrestling forgot it was. Joe Coffey is the guy. The best doing it in Scotland right now on a consistent basis. You could put him in there wae Spike Dudley on a comedown, and you’d still have one of the matches of the night. Put these two titanic wrestling forces together and you have art. It’s gonnae be fuckin art. Absolutely no doubting that. If you’re coming to the show for a party, there’s plenty there tae fulfill those needs. Hunners of booze, and cunts gettin leathered wae shopping trolleys lined wae knitting needles and machetes most likely. If you’re going to the ABC for wrestling….Joe Coffey and Jack Gallagher have ye covered. I sincerely hope this is the start of a long-standing policy to book Jack Gallagher in technical wrestling exhibitions, where everyone shakes hauns after the match and there’s nae conflict ever. just great wrestling between a pair of right good cunts. Every time.
So fuckin excited tae finally see this undoubtedly gorgeous exhibition.
Joe will win I reckon. Joe will one day have aw the belts. Joe will attempt to carry those belts to trips abroad. Joes suitcase will be weighed, and the man at the counter will say “this is too heavy sir, you have too many belts in here” and Joe will turn tae that man n go “JOE MERCY!” and spinning lariat his fuckin heid aff his shoulders. Aye…this’ll be fucking great.
Jackie Polo presents…Lionheart : This is your life
I have huge hopes for this segment. If you’ve not seen Jackie Polo’s latest promo, I’ll stick it at the bottom of this wee bit. Don’t usually like cluttering these things wae hunners of pictures and videos, but I’ll make an exception cause its that fuckin good. With Hearto making his return to “daein moves n that” action at PWE last week when he flattened Dave Mastiff with the Rock Bottom, it gave us all a bit of hope that we might actually see Polo vs Hearto happen one day. Maybe even Fear and Loathing in front of a SOLD OUT Hampden Stadium? We can dream. Point is, while there’s a feeling of genuine dislike between these two, there’s nae denying they were building towards their match at Still Smokin in a captivating fashion. With the crowd seeming to naturally side with the ‘heel’ in the feud, and turning against the veteran face. The Lionheart neck break, and subsequent angle that Jackie has pushed since then (If ye’ve been living under a stone for 6 months basically he comes out wae a neckbrace on, whilst nursing an extremely legit, and very painful neck injury) has brought the fans to more a split opinion. Jackie Polo doesn’t quite get the level of admiration he was getting at the start of the year, and that’s pretty much perfect for him if ye ask me. His character just cannae work if he’s getting his arse patted, n his baws felt aff EVERYONE. There needs tae be split for the smugness tae work. I fully expect Polo to absolutely tear Hearto a new one here, before Hearto responds wae a few emphatic words, and most likely a Rock Bottom. If this is half as gripping as the last time they faced each other in a promo face off, its gonnae be intense. When the match eventually happens? Chaos. Women and children spontaneously combusting. Houses burgling themselves. BT Gunn momentarily loses his chopping ability. The world will stop turning the way we’re accustomed to, and I for one, am fuckin READY.
Joe Hendry performs with his band Lost in Audio
Except he doesn’t perform with them at all does he? Because Damian O’Connor’s gonnae maul him. He’ll sit down with his guitar, on what he thinks is a big furry chair, only tae realise its not a chair at all. Its a bear masquerading as a chair. It’s Damian O’Connor and HE’S A WRECKIN MACHINE. Or they might sing a few merry tunes and leave everyone satisfied and smiling during the interval, but I strongly suspect the Damo mauling. Perhaps involving the Senton he does against the barrier being adapted tae include an amplifier, a bass drum and a shitload of beers in his pockets, which smash on impact, causing a beer soaked Joe Hendry bursting bonanza. That being said MNNNGHHH JOE HENDRAAAAAAAY…GLOBAL HERO.
Liam Thomson vs Kid Fite (I Quit Match)
I quit matches are very hit or miss for me. Sometimes they can be a bit contrived. In WWE anyway. Too much fuckin asking anaw. Half the match shouldnae be someone having a mic shoved in their face n them muttering a barely audible breathless “naw!” in response. This though? The possible culmination of a feud between two former best pals and loyal tag partners. Knocking fuck out each other all over the ABC? I’ll have this all fuckin day. And all night. And a wee bit the next morning anaw. Liam Thomson is one of my favourite wrestlers to watch right now, so any chance to see him is a pleasure, but putting him in there with a guy who he knows like the back of his hand? Chemistry’s gonnae be off the charts. A brutal brawl etched in storytelling in store here. Absolutely nae fuckin doubt. I fully expect tae see a few scary as fuck looking bumps in there as well. Someones gettin irish whipped intae the bar, and having a £3.80 pint of Tuborg smashed aff their dome at least. I fancy Thomson to win, after Carmel delivers a high-pitched shriek directly intae Kid Fites right ear for ages until he eventually goes “aye awrite hen, fuck sake, I quit…nuhins worth that” Speaking of Carmel, lets get her on the fuckin card. Her vs Kay Lee. Please. For the love of god PLEEEASE.
Jack Jester vs Martin Stone (ICW Title Match)
I’ll no tell any lies and say I have a wealth of Martin Stone knowledge in me, so I know exactly what to expect fae this. Truth be told I’ve no got a clue. His time as a fixture in British Wrestling came before my time watching it, and I missed most of his NXT stuff. I do know that he’s a big, hard looking baldy bastard named Martin, so we at least have a couple of things in common. I also know that he’s going after the ICW Title, so he’ll be HUNGRY tae impress. Feed him more. Feed him a Jester. Jester himself must be running on empty at this stage. I cannae remember the last time I seen an ICW show end without him drenched in sweat, blood and a selection of other bodily fluids, but he keeps clinging on tae the strap. Wolfgang flung everything he had at him and he clung on. Jimmy Havoc nearly killed him. He hung on. Joe Coffey and James Scott tossed a wrestling exhibition in his face and he hung the fuck on. Jack Jester might never be letting go. It seems like he”s rather die in a pool of the liquefied remnants of his pride than surrender that title.
I cannae see Stone leaving Glasgow with the belt though. Nae offence to him, as accomplished and well-regarded as he is, but it just disnae make sense. A guy coming out of nowhere to gain a title shot, and end a title reign that’s approaching 10 months in length, but no matter whit, despite them not being included on the card, the NAK are the wildcards. Chris Renfrew having a title shot in a wee briefcase is the wild card, and what better time will there be tae cash in? Jesters in for another brutal brawl. Renfrews got the night off. In front of well over a 1000 of the finest degenerates Glasgow has tae offer. Is this it? Is this when it happens? Is this when a briefcase becomes a title? One thing thats an absolute iron clad certainty is that unless they get every single steward, kiddy on polis, actual real polis and army cadet in the country manning the entrances tae keep them oot, the NAK are crashing this party. This might be the show where they finally do what they’ve been threatening to for a while now. This might be the show where they take over. Help out or die slowly. NAK 4 life.
That Ti:Me video, other surprise shit
There’s been a lot of speculation about that video that was put up a while back, insinuating that someone’s gonnae be making a debut or a long-awaited return at this show. Most folk assumed it was Drew Mcintyre, and whilst I don’t think it is him myself, a wee dream scenario came tae me earlier today. IF Davie Boy is still injured, and IF the NAK do crash this shit and Divers and Darkside demand a tag title shot. Imagine Stevie comes oot. On his own. Looking a bit feart. Then all of a sudden the lights go low. Buckys music hits again, and who’s yer honorary Bucky for the night? DREW ‘FUCKIN MCINTYRE. It would be a way of including Drew on the show and having a cracking moment without him stealing focus fae the storylines and matches taking place that are vital for ICW going forward, and it would also be a fuckin laugh tae see Drew in the red trackies, bottle of bucky in hand. Causin it. Throw the Sumerian Death Squad intae the mix and we’ve got ourselves a triple threat tag team wet dream. I’ve convinced myself BT Gunn vs Wolfgang’s happening anaw. This is where the feud all started after all. I reckon it’ll be a no holds barred type of affair, maybe even a proper street fight where they both wrestle in denims and hit each other wae pool cues n that. Maybe BT beats him tae a bloody pulp with the help of rest of the NAK, and maybe Wolfgang fuckin joins the cunts. Wid ye be THAT surprised? Its moments like that potential one that makes factions like the NAK so easy tae buy intae, cause you feel like no one is safe. If they can wear down a spirited big bruiser like Wolfie and get him to “open his eyes”, then who’s next? As for other shit, nae Kenny Williams announced, so I have a feeling he’ll be involved in the Joe Hendry shenanigans somehow. Noam Dar and Jimmy Havoc are wrestling for Progress, but if they catch a quick train up the road after that show, theres mibbe a chance wel’ll see them gatecrash right at the end. Just in time for when most house parties actually get fuckin good.
Overall. Its gonnae be chaos. Encapsulating, beautiful chaos. Wae wrestling n that. Mark Dallas will be announcig the venue for this years Fear and Loathing, and I’d be astounded if it isnae the Maracana in Brazil, or at least Madison Square Garden (Madison Square Go-rden?)
For tickets, head intae yer back pocket, produce the ticket you bought months ago, and gie it a big kiss. A big sloppy smacker, cause that shit is gold. If you wish to buy a ticket? You cannot. Sold the fuck out mate. If yer no fast, yer last.