Wrestling can be a bit ruthless eh. Sometimes people who were integral in making something a success can be forgotten a wee bit if they aren’t central to the success that thing is currently having. That’s the feeling I get a wee bit about Red Lightning and Scottish Wrestling. In my early days as an ICW fan, Red was fucking gold in my eyes. A true heel champion in the sense that you felt a real burning hatred for him coming from…well pretty much everyone. Fans, promoters, his peers, and particularly the guy who had to fix the dent his coupon left on that shutter Wolfgang slung him intae in Maryhill. A palpable dislike that seemingly went beyond who he was as a wrestler. In reality, Red Lightning as sound as they come, so the fact that he’s had a few people so convinced of his arseholeyness that they’ve seen fit to offer him a square go says it all about his ability.
I was supposed to be having a few weeks off fae RAW duties, safe in the knowledge that my staff had it covered. Last week I called upon Connie. A respected wrestling reviewer, and prominent member of the deid eyed goth community. She gave a detailed and highly entertaining review of the show. One I enjoyed thoroughly. In the interest of fairness and keeping morale levels among the workforce up, I decided to call upon the other member of my staff, a certain dickpiece by the name of Daaaaavey who made a big song and dance about how he had to get back intae reviewing mode for this gig, and the cunt’s no even came up wae the goods. So here I am, in the middle of a wee hiatus fae WWE…fuckin reviewing some WWE.
I’m no rewatching it, so it’ll be a brief rundown of the things I can remember and how they affected me physically and mentally. Example – “Edge returned to action, cashing in his ‘Coppers in a pot’ contract for a US Title shot, which he lost after having the top part of his jaw Brogue Kicked into the fucking sun, I found this segment to be ok. Ok but boring at the same time. Bo-K’
With the format laid out to you, shall we proceed? Aye fuck it. Lets
Roman Reigns kicked off the show, cutting an extremely erotic (I men eh…..confident) promo where he licks his lips, and calls John Cena a dick. Someone came out. Did anyone come out? I cannae mind. He wants us all to believe he’ll win the fatal 4 way at Battleground. I did for a bit, then i remembered thats daft. He won’t win it. Its Cena vs lesnar at Summerslam probably for the belts. Unless one of them dies. Then it won’t be, cause deid guys can’t officially hold belts.
Dean Ambrose was magnificent as per usual. Battling it out wae Randy Orton in the match of the night, and losing that match cleanly. I fucking loved that in all honesty, cause Dean Ambrose is reckless. He’s unhinged. Unhinged guys sometimes lose. They lose cause they’re too busy being reckless tae give a FUCK about winning. Dean Ambrose is god.
Paige and AJ Lee were a tag team for some reason. Naomi and Cameron officially broke up. Why are the funkadactyls no longer pals but AJ and Paige are? Divas division is a fuckin mess man. Sort that shit out. Get heel AJ feuding wae heel Paige forever, and have them knocking the utter shite out each other in an effort to prove whos the baddest of them all.
Bo Dallas beat El Torito, and the segment re-sold me on Bo, having been a bit fatigued with his routine before. This was fuckin class. Bo showing the violent side when he reacted badly to Torito taking the piss, then knocking him over when he done his wee lap round the ring. HE’S 15 AND BO MAGGLE. THE STREAK LIVES.
Dolph Ziggler lost cause Fandango danced on a table. Just cause he dances go-go, it dont make him a ho no.
Seth Rollins and John Cena had one of the better RAW main events in recent memory. In terms of match quality you could absolutely see why Cena has the belts, and Rollins seems tae be next in line. As much as I think Reigns MIGHT be ready now, he isnae there yet. Then it aw turned intae a stupid bit stramash, with Rollins teasing the cash in AGAIN after Orton and Kane had battered Cena, before Dean Ambrose once again intervened heroically.
Jericho and Miz had a bit of a wrestle. It was fucking good, bar Miz reeling out that eyesore of a figure four and making me spew aw doon myself.
Jericho and Bray Wyatt had one of the best promo duels of the year. This is what Bray and Cena should have been doing, but Cena was too busy trying tae be funny and not putting people over. Its a shame that Jericho isnae really seen as a guy to be taken as a serious threat to Wyatt, cause as good as this feud will be, everyone knows Jericho wont win. He’s there to put folk over, line his pockets, and leave tae sing songs naecunt’s heard. Looking forward to the matches right enough, and I’m delighted Jericho seems to have his old, human shaped chest back. The lease must have been up on that one he was borrowing aff Kofi Kingston. Speaking of Kofi, he beat Cesaro again, this time not on the fuckin app, cause having matches end when the show isnae on air can fuck off, and continue fucking off until off insae even a thing anymore. A forgotten concept. The only way “off” exists, is the continual fucking off that matches ending on the WWE App is doing. Why is Kofi Kingston beating Cesaro? Did this really happen this week, or am I confused? So many questions.
The Usos lost to Harper and Rowan in another brilliant encounter between those two teams. If you’re the type of cunt to complain about WWE doing this match too often, well nae offence, but yer stupid and I hate ye.
Rusev beat RVD in another legit match. RVD had at least 15 offensive moves and even ahd me beleiving he might win for about 15 seconds, so that makes this a fuckin vast improvement to everything Rusev’s done in WWE so far, not including the Big E stuff. Rusev vs face Swagger should be fuckin brillaint. Really looking forward to that.
Sheamus was there.
Nae Big Guy segments whatsoever. Not only did we have nae big guy, we had nae Axe-man either, meaning nae Rybaxel crushin geeks. Nae Rybaxel giving Michael Cole a wedge, and telling him to “stop being a non cold beer drinking coward” . Nae Rybaxel at all, meaning the show might aswell have not fuckin happened.
Last but not least. My main man Bret Hart came strolling out and cut one of the best promos of his career. No really saying much considering he was always pretty shite on the mic, but he was entertaining enough, getting the home crowd going because Damien SandHart came out and hilariously imitated Bret. Claiming he was shite on the mic, having Bret knock him out, before going “Yer right mate, I uhm shite on the mic, but I’m good at punchin cunts” Or words tae that effect.
Overall i thought RAW was a helluva wrestling show. With various men and women daein wrestling things. 7 springboard hurricanrana outta 10. Tune in next week for something that’ll hopefully be better than this shite.
ICW returns to London on Sunday, and that means a number of things. First thing it means is that I might die. I’ve crunched the numbers, and my chances of dying by getting lost in London and being bludgeoned tae death by Boris Johnson and his extremely pointy elbows increase by 100% when I’m actually in London. Second thing it means is that ICW’s coming tae fuck shit up. With a stacked card, a tidal wave of Scottish charm, and an intention tae introduce the concept of ‘gettin chibbed wae a two heided dildo’ tae the London crowd…expect big things. You might have a wee glance at the card and see no ICW Title match…think to yersel “eh whit?” and decide to watch the world cup final in a pub where the bar’s covered in actual real life herpes instead, but fear not, cause the third, and perhaps most important thing, is that Chris Renfrew is in a match with Jack Jester, and Chris Renfrew has a title opportunity any time he fuckin pleases, so if Chris Renfrew decides tae pull a colt 45 out his back pocket, shoot Jack Jester in the head, and cash in right there and then. He is more than entitled to do so. Legally it might be a bit of a grey area like, but the point is, the belt very well might be defended. Even if it isnae, we’ll have 4 guys with death wishes battering each other until there’s no fluid left in their bodies, so ye can fully expect London to be left covered in blood, sweat, pish and probably a wee bit of spunk anaw. Like the dirty midden that it is.
I’m personally going down for two days cause I don’t like money, so if ye fancy buying one of my organs aff Ebay between today and tomorrow, that would really help buy a round when I’m down there. Last I checked it was £5.50 a pint. Even that’s just an empty glass, that yer encouraged tae fill with rain water or yer own tears. Tears you’ll shed as you’re served with a court order to pay the £2000 bill ye got fae Wetherspoons for a plain hamburger. Not getting where I’m going wae this patter? London’s expensive mate. Read between the lines.
Fuck the World Cup Final.
Stevie Boy and Greg Burridge vs The London Riots (ICW Tag Title Match)
Are the belts still on the line here aye? I was hugely excited about this yin anaw, cause as much as I vehemently hate The London Riots, they’re fuckin good. A pair of combative big bruisers, and more importantly…a proper tag team. A cohesive unit of bad bastards. The Bucky Boys also fall intae that category, and both teams are part of an incredibly impressive tag scene in the UK at the moment, so it’s a shame Daveys injury serves to deprive us of this stoater. I won’t lie, I don’t know much about Greg Burridge other than he’s supposed to be fucking good at what he does, so I imagine the match will still be stoatin. No sure if the lineup change increases or decreases the chances of the belts staying in London though. Really depends if there’s plans to book The Riots more regularly eh? I’d fuckin love that tbh, cause as much as my adult cynicism tends to dull any dislike I have for wrestlers, particularly ones from the local indie scene, who appear to be hard-working, decent cunts no matter how unpalatable their wrestling characters seem to be; I manage to successfully despise the Riots. I feel like they’d call me a ‘jock cunt’ and ridicule my fat hamstrings, and even if I tell them my hamstrings urnae that fat, they’d persist until I developed a complex anyway. Fuckin bully boy bastards. But aye. Buckies (or one Bucky and a Burridge as I’m gonnae be calling them) will likely retain.
Grado vs Sha Samuels
This was supposed to happen at the first London show, but Sha Samuels seemed tae be a bit preoccupied making new pals, and proceeding tae batter fuck out of Grado with the help of said pals. Grado had some stellar pals of his own though, as Noam Dar and Wolfgang emerged to take on Sha, Jackie Polo and Rob Cage. This time we’re gonnae get the big guy wae the braces going one on one wae the Grado-one (fuck me, that has tae be the worst patter I’ve ever hit out wae on this blog…I’ve been doing this for over a year mate, I’ve hit out with some honkin shit, but that has to be a candidate for the worst yet, utterly shameful man)
I’ve seen a decent amount of Sha Samuels lately, and he’s a captivating big fella. Proper nasty looking cunt, but technically excellent. Seems the type that would heider ye and knock ye clean out if ye started getting wide wae him in the pub, then he’s calmly wipe your blood from his forehead, sit back down, and continuing doing the right wordy crossword in The Guardian. Cannae see past a Grado win though, because Grado is over as fuck down in London, and if folk are gonnae volunteer to miss a World Cup Final (fuck the World Cup Final though) they want tae see the Stevenston dream land a few haymakers, a wee shake rattle n roll, a bionic elba tae the coupon, mibbe the wee boot/F5 combo (finisher daft) and up the road with the victory in his back pocket.
Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar
I’m no gonnae say a great deal about this. I had a big thing typed out, and it just didnae fit. This speaks for itself really. A match which for some reason has either never happened before, finally gets to see the light of day in London town, as opposed tae you sitting fantasy booking it in yer heid. That sounds a wee bit homoerotic right enough, sittin picturing guys in their pants gettin sweaty; but this is in the name of two of the most talented wrestlers in the country finally getting tae pit their wits against each other. Two of the finest young talents in the whole of Europe having a bit of a grapple for our viewing pleasure. I have only one hope for this, and that hope is that it’s given plenty of time. Even if the finish is full of interference, or Noel Edmonds narrates it by reading his favourite monologue fae the Red Shoe Diaries, I want tae see at least 10-15 minutes of these two engaging in a wrestling masterpiece.
I just cannae see any other outcome than that. A masterpiece. On the odd occasion, two brilliant wrestlers can come together and not have the chemistry most folk expected, but if that’s the case here, I’ll pull ma left ear aff and eat it in front of 500 or so Londoners. Don’t gie a fuck mate. I’ll dae it, and the pain I get from doing that wont even come close tae the pain I’ll feel at the match not meeting my admittedly sky-high expectations. This is gonnae be fuckin AMAZIN. And I really don’t care who wins, cause I love them both equally. If I had tae pick one match between two Scottish talents that we’d yet tae see, it would be this, and considering Drew Mcintyre is a free agent right now, that says a lot.
Aye…mind I said I wisnae gonnae be saying a great deal about this? I lied.
BT Gunn vs Wolfgang
Easily one of my favourite matches of the year when they went at it in Newcastle, seemingly a match we had waited on for the best part of a year, so it’s quite the fuckin privilege to have it happening again so soon. BT Gunn has been having nothing but stoaters for a good while now, and Wolfie seems to have the same momentum he had when he was right at the forefront of the hunt for the ICW Title last year, so this one will be another storytelling classic. The match in Newcastle saw BT gain the win when he cracked Wolfie with Renfrews briefcase, so I expect the big man to have plenty of hauners on standby to ensure this one goes off without a hitch. I fancy Wolfie to win it, evening up the score between the two, setting up a “next goals the winner” type situation where they inevitably go at it again to determine who rules the roost. Who’s it tae be? Will it be the guy that once chopped a trainee so hard, he jump back up his maws fanny for shelter, or the guy who flung his cousin fae 30 feet in the air, down to a baying mob, made up mostly of men who kinda wanted tae kill him. I wouldn’t be quick tae mess with either of these unhinged cunts anyway.
Darkside vs Damian O’Connor
This was perhaps my favourite match from the last London show. Purely because I didn’t expect to be seeing it and it was quite honestly a fuckin belter. That German Suplex James Scott pulled off when Damo was clinging to the ropes might be my favourite move of the year. The shock value of it fuckin blew me away. This will be similarly brilliant, and if he’s in the area, I could see some Joe Hendry involvement clouding it, cause ye fuckin know Damo and him are not done by a long shot. Especially considering the fact that he saw fit to marr the big hitting war Damo and Joe Coffey engaged in down in Newcastle, with a sleekit count handing Joe Coffey the win (after a move which might have got him the win anyway) Either way, I fully anticipate another intriguing match, involving a bear being flung haufway tae Camden taaaaaaaooown via another jaw dropping German Suplex, and that bear no being very happy about the situation. Should I stop referring tae Damo as a bear? If it offends ye big man, let me just say, it’s not intended to. It’s just a laugh cause yer really big, really hairy, and you spend yer winters up the loft sleeping 20 hours a day, and spending the other 4 eating the severed limbs of any motorists who have ever aimed an obscene gesture in your direction. Also, I fancy Darkside tae win, although I’m no hugely confident in that one, cause for a really huge, and seemingly immovable big bastard, Damo has had his fair share of losses since emerging as a true heavyweight wrecking machine in ICW. Know what keeps scary bastards looking scary? Clean pinfall victories mate. Clean pinfall victories, and a solid murder rate. At least 2 or 3 a month, tae keep the levels of fear up.
Mark Coffey vs Kenny Williams (ICW Zero-G Title Match)
It was kinda inevitable that Kenny would find himself in the Zero-G Title picture eventually, and he has a cracking in-ring rapport with Mark Coffey, so we’ll inevitably see some mouthwatering shit here. I’ve got a sneaky wee feeling we’ll see a Coffey vs Coffey feud in ICW before long, so we might see Kenny take the belt eventually, to facilitate that at some point in the future (Thats a feud that really disnae need the Zero-G Belt to make it special if ye ask me, but who’s askin me? Naecunt. I asked myself, and proceeded tae answer myself. Cause this is my thing, and I’ll dae whit I want) but I cannae see it happening right now. I reckon these two have got a few braw matches in them, having seen them go at it at a recent SWA show, they have all the tools to produce something that captures yer attention in a one on one feud. Another sneaky wee suspicion I have here is Joe Hendry interfering out of jealousy at Kenny being given a title shot ahead of him, and that finally leads tae Kenny splitting from the Kennedy Administration, starting up a wee Kenny vs Hendry feud. So aye, I feel like this has been more patter about what might happen in the future than the match itself, so I’ll finish off by saying it’ll be really good. Like ye know how puttin eccies and pepperoni on a pizza and calling it Eccieroni Pizza is really good? It’ll be the wrestling equivalent of that.
Jack Jester and Jimmy Havoc vs Chris Renfrew and Dickie Divers
I wisnae sure about this when it was announced, but as the event draws closer and they continue to etch it in some brilliant storytelling, I’m actually right fuckin intae it. I dunno if thats maybe partly down to seeing Jimmy Havoc work masterfully as a villain in PROGRESS and being absolutely fuckin thirsty tae see him adopt a similar character in ICW via a heel turn here, or maybe its fully down to the wildcard element of Renfrew having a free shot at knocking fuck out of the guy who he has a contract for a title shot against at any time. So he can either wear him down in the match, which will inevitably descend intae blood soaked chaos. Or he can wait tae the match is finished, survey the landscape (and by that I mean…make sure he’s still got a pulse) and if he sees fit, he can pull oot a crossbow and shoot an arrow throw Jesters heart. Deid guys dont kick out. Unless they’re convulsing or somethin. In fact aye.Thats the trouble with that. I’ve nae idea how long it takes deid bodies tae go fully deid, so there’s a chance Havoc could get his tag partner tae safety, and Jester would become the first reigning ICW Champion wae nae heartbeat.
Seriously though, it’ll be a brutal match and there have already been suggestions far pretty much everyone involved in it, that Jester and Havoc cannae trust each other, and they know they cannae trust each other, so that leaves it wide open for some heel turning, belt grabbin, highly violent action. Can Chris Renfrew trust Dickie Divers? Is the sky blue mate? The NAK are more than a stable, they’re a fuckin brotherhood, and no matter the outcome in their respective matches, they will leave their stamp on London. A dominant stable who don’t monopolise every single segment on the show. Refreshing eh? I fancy Jester and Havoc to remain a cohesive unit, but they’ll be a cohesive unit left lying in a heap by the time this is is over. Will Jester emerge fae that heap wae the gold? We shall see.
ICW came, saw, conquered and came again when it rolled intae London last time, and England’s capital can expect another arse toe-ing, diddy slapping war this time around.
Tickets are still on sale, so get yersel along. Fuck the World Cup Final.
Either get them on the door or via this link.
I know Matt Hardy has a wee belly right, I know this. But why does he move like he’s got led in his erse? I’m serious mate. Why does he move like he’s dragging a trailer fulla pig guts by his ankles? Naw seriously mate. Why?
He didnae always move like that. Used tae be quite spritely in fact. Like a young Marty Jannetty, or a really auld, kinda burst version of Ricochet. Where did it all go wrong? Did he no realise that the concrete mix he was snackin on would turn tae actual concrete when he drank water? Its a complicated saga, and tbh, it felt like the only topic I could cover today, having broken my brain yesterday writing a 7500 word dissertation about PROGRESS – Chapter 13. I considered stopping The Daily Thing, cause its served its purpose. It got me into a better routine writing wise, so I probably will gie it the chop soon, or at least change it to weekly or suhin, but I dunno. I just felt like this topic had to be covered. Someone has tae dig a bit deeper intae this.
Is it Litas fault? When ye find out yer burd’s shaggin yer pal, its always devastating, but did her betrayal make his vital organs slowly turn intae bags of pound coins?
Does he permanently need a shite? He’s got that ‘guy needin a shite’ waddle about him when he goes for any sort of move that requires him to shift faster than walking pace, so it might be that. Maybe he didnae even put on weight at all, he’s just been constipated for 10 years. Doctors official diagnosis at this stage is “Yer probably gonnae burst son” and he’s ok with it. His soul died a long time ago, so really, what else is there for Matt Hardy. He’ll keep on dragging his ledden erse round ROH and indie rings. Even the odd TNA ring as him and Willow get the old band back together, but will we ever find out why Matt Hardy moves like a much fatter man than he actually is? Does anyone actually give a flying fuck?
I’d like tae take this opporchancity and reach out to Matt. On the off chance that ye google yer name and find this ‘article’ please get in touch. If its emotional issues that make ye slow on yer feet, I’d like tae help talk it out wae ye. If its something grotesque and physical, I’d love the opportunity tae rip the piss out ye for it. If its cause ye swallowed a whole bag of flour for a dare and yer stomach’s baking bread….I’d like a slice of that bread mate.
Holla at me.
Thank fuck for the abject fickleness of modern technology eh. Cause without the hard camera at PROGRESS – Chapter 13 failing, we wouldn’t have been given the gift of seeing the show for fuck all. It says a lot about the dedication to the fanbase that the owners have that they deemed this unfit to charge any money for, cause let me let ye in on a wee secret troops. They absolutely could have charged money for this. Hard camera or not, this is easily one of the most complete wrestling shows I’ve seen all year. To the point that if I had run it, and all I had from it was a few blurry polaroids and a tape recording of Rampage Brown screaming “WRESTLING!” into a tin can, I’d charge a fee for folk just to have the privilege of being exposed to that. If you like indie promotions with a commitment to storytelling and building its own stars as opposed to relying on imports to shift tickets…PROGRESS has all of those things.
Santino Marella announced his retirement from in-ring competition yesterday due to a neck injury. To tell the truth, for the past 3 or 4 years he has grated on me something awful. Exact same routine since that iconic moment in the Royal Rumble where the cobra faced off against Mick Foleys socko. It’s almost as if WWE seen that moment and decided that wis it for Santino. Its that exact thing, with less Foley and more cringing, for the rest of your career. As a result his career pretty much stagnated and folk forgot that his up until that point, it was actually pretty fucking stellar. He was never one to be taken too seriously, but there was a dynamism about him that seemed to die on its arse over the past few years, and that’s a bit of a fuckin shame, cause its fairly rare to find a wrestler who can genuinely have you doubled over laughing, but performs equally well as a creepy as fuck heel, twanging anycunt who comes within 10 feet of his tidy wee burd. WWE is where dynamism goes to die in a lot of cases. With multi talented people being forgotten about, or used wrongly for years. Decades in some cases. Santino unfortunately fell victim to that. It seems whenever someone remembered he existed, he was reeled out for the same routine as before. Eat, sleep, mispronounce things, repeat.