ICW – Get Mendoza! Preview

Six weeks in a fuckin row ICW. Really? I cannae dae it. It’s too much. Yees dae realise how much these shows suck the life out of people eh? If you’re a living breathing human, and you’ve been to ICW on a Sunday…the Monday after is not gonnae be pretty. Even if you don’t drink/partake in any other forms of intoxication, it’s still gonnae be a weary day. Making us do this 6 WEEKS IN A ROW(7 weeks out of 8 if ye were in London) is just cruelty. Intolerable cruelty. Or it would be if this wasn’t the best indie wrestling company in the fuckin world, and we weren’t all wrestling daft. Lets fuckin do it. Leg 2 of the big 6 week, jaw scuddin, arse booting, back cracking, bottle smashing err yer fuckin heid extravaganza. The Fringe run. Colt Cabana. The ICW roster. Burning Edinburgh to the ground. Figuratively like, but if a small fire breaks out somewhere, I wouldnae be surprised. Hopefully its somewhere in the vicinity of Tynecastle. Anyway. Wrestling show. No a lot announced for it so this will likely be havering nonsense. Lets do it. Shall we?

Dante vs Divers

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Divers vs Dante. The battle of the forgotten ones. Well forgotten isnae really accurate, but under-appreciated? Yes. Under-rated? Certainly. Although it depends how define underrated I suppose. If you’re continually calling someone underrated is that not a way of ‘rating’ them in itself? Why the fuck are we gettin aw deep and philosophical about this shit is probably the more pertinent question. No matter how you rate these two, there’s nae doubting they’re both quality. Deceptively so. Divers is a lot more agile than he looks, and takes a bump better than anyone in Scotland. Excellent wrestler tae. Dante is a big scary Snitsky lookin cunt, but moves like a cruiserweight (well perhaps no cruiserweight but he moves like a much lighter man than he is anyway) and has one of my favourite spears by cunts not named Roman Reigns. A beauty of a spear it is. Might even be better than big Reignsys wan, considering Dante gives me the fear BEFORE he’s even delivered one. Scary big brute of a man. I’ve never seen him in a singles match, and I’ve seen maybe 2 or 3 Divers singles matches before, so it’s gonnae be interesting to see how they mesh here. They always had some of my favourite spots from the matches involving the SDS and NAK, so we’ll likely see some eye-catching shit. Maybe a shooting star press fae Dante or suhin? I know that’s unlikely, but its ICW. If Grado can attempt moonsaults, then a big deceptively agile cunt like Dante can bust out a Shooting Star Press, NAAAAE BOTHER. I kinda hope its allowed just tae be a match though. All of the NAK bar Renfrew have big matches on this card, so i hope they’ve got their eyes on their own individual prizes, and Tommy End’s too busy lettin folk leather him in the chest wae the Yellow Pages tae prepare for taking BT Gunns chops, and we get nae interference. Nae shenanigans. A straight up fight between a huge dutch cunt, and a smaller Scottish cunt with a high pain threshold and an aptitude for taking a doing wae style.

Joe Coffey vs Kid Fite vs Noam Dar vs Darkside (Match for Number One Contendership for the ICW Title)

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Momentum wise it seems that Joe Coffey winning this is the only thing that makes sense. He’s been having stoating matches all year, and most importantly, more often than not he’s been winning them. Only loss I can recall is losing one of the ones tae Darkside. Its for that very reason that I don’t think he’s winning this. Too obvious eh? Tae me anyway. I’ve love it if he did, being Joe Coffey daft n aw that, but I reckon either Darkside will win it, Renfrew cashes in, and he needs tae face his NAK stablemate for the belt. Or Noam Dar gets the job done, and this is the start of him rising to the top of the card. Exactly what he asked Dallas for when he cut that promo at that last Edinburgh. Coming for that number one stop mate. Me and ma ridiculously cute dug, coming for AW the belts. Or maybe Kid Fite will in it, and it’ll be the swerve tae end all swerves. He’s got a bit of momentum now anaw, after knocking the living fuck out his former best pal, and teabagging him for good measure, but I reckon Thomson will get involved somewhere here and cost Fito the match when he looks like he might win it. Or fuck. Maybe none of that shite will happen, and Joe Coffey just wins a straight up, complication free, fatal 4 way brawl. Who fuckin knows really. No matter whit, we’re gonnae have 4 of the better wrestlers in Scotland daein wrestling moves to each other, and that fills my heart wae joy. Or at least it makes me relatively content. I like relative contentedness. It’s no bad.

Grado vs Colt Cabana

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I’m excited to mark out for this shit again and I don’t care who knows it. You would have tae be dead inside no tae be able tae let go and enjoy this for the sheer joy its likely to produce. The last match was comedy heavy, but still magnificent entertainment. Soon as Colts theme hits I’ve decided I’m doing a Paul London style lap of Edinburgh. Jumping in and out of sweetie shops stoned oot ma box (only joking, drugs are bad…they ruin lives….ABIDE THE LAW) and screaming “ITS COLT CAH BAH NAH” in strangers faces. Then when Grados music hits, I’m taking the foldable scooter oot my back pocket, gettin the whistles and glo-sticks out, and its a rave on a fuckin scooter mate. Wrestling n that. It’ll be some laugh though. I’ve got a wee theory where it maybe goes 4-5 minutes, and the NAK jump out tae knock fuck out them both, setting up a future tag title match between The NAK and Colt Gradana (thats Colt and Grado comb…oh ye get it? sound, yer a smart kid, I knew ye would) but even if that does happen, we’ll get a liberal helping of joyfulness regardless. As for who the winner is? Its us. I know that heavy cheesy patter, but as I said earlier..do..not…give..a…fuck. As an adult, things that used tae amuse me don’t anymore. It’s a shame. Being jaded and indifferent is total shite. Grado vs Colt Cabana, or even just Grado and Colt Cabana being in the same room at any time is one of the things that makes the cynicism melt away, and that’s fuckin A-OK wae me.

BT Gunn vs Tommy End

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To call this a dream match is nae exaggeration. I love both BT Gunn and Tommy End. I love that they’re two of the best tag wrestlers in Europe and they continually steal the show’s they’re on wae the help of their brothers. Good tag wrestling is a fuckin VITAL part of wrestling, and I believe the UK does it better than anywhere else on the planet. The Sumerian Death Squad aren’t fae here like, but they’re up here enough to be considered integral parts of the scene. The thing about it is, despite how fuckin insanely good these two both are in tag wrestling, tae me they are both as good if not better as singles. I’m talking, these cunts are main even calibre no matter where ye put them in terms of match quality and believability, so when this shit was announced, I crumbled intae a pile of dust and fecal matter. The dust due tae my uncontainable excitement for how good its gonnae be making my bones disintegrate, and the fecal matter cause despite the fact that I think he likes my stuff, TOMMY END SCARES THE FUCKIN LIFE OUT ME.

Know what else puts a healthy dose of the fear up me? BT Gunns chops. BT Gunns superkicks. BT Gunn hitting his cousin so hard wae a chair he’s currently wandering around a local mental hospital, wae a constantly twitching eye, screamin “HOW COME MY EARS WONT STOP RINGING AGNES…TELL ME…RING RING…AW DAY…AAAAH” If BT Gunn can break his cousin in such a venomous matter, you tell me what he’s willing to inflict on a dutch guy he disnae particularly like. This will be a gorgeous tapestry of sare looking wrestling brilliant. Aw the kicks. Aw the chops. Aw the dives. Aw the intricate technical stuff. Every fuckin thing. A dream match. Much like Divers and Dante, I hope it happens straight up. Two guys knocking the living shite out each other in the most cohesive and wonderful way possible. I’m a wee bit excited for this one personally, can ye tell?

Jack Jester vs Jimmy Havoc (ICW Title Match) ??

Jimmy Havoc assured us all he’d be here. He looked me in the fuckin eye personally, snarled, pulled a photie of me and my family in Butlins circa 1997 out his back pocket, spat on it, called me a cunt, and ASSURED me, he’d be here tae take that belt aff Jester. So I’m gonnae go ahead and assume this is happening and I’m gonnae go ahead and assume it’ll be fantastic. I’m not huge on hardcore wrestling. It can be good if there’s enough storytelling intertwined with the bloodbath, and when these two are involved…there always is. Their match in London was undoubtedly my favourite proper hardcore match since I started going to local shows. Tae me there’s a different kind of chemistry involved in having a good hardcore match than there is tae having a good match generally. Its less about knowing what you’re opponent’s gonnae do and when, its more about striking a balance that makes it look like a proper fight. The hardcore matches I cannae really stomach are the ones where it’s just one guy, taking an absolute fuckin kicking and hardly giving anything back. There’s nae storytelling involved in that to me, it’s just gruesome, kinda sadomasochistic shite. With these two they ALWAYS give each other a proper fuckin doing. Always. If this happens, it’ll no doubt be the same, except this time we get a Jimmy Havoc who has accepted his calling. This time we get Jimmy Havoc the total fucking cunt. This time we get Jimmy Havoc hi-jacking a double-decker bus and using it tae run us all down. Not just Jester. Everycunt. Because Jimmy Havoc does not give a FUCK about any of us cunts. Jimmy Havoc has bled for this company for 2 years. Now it’s your turn. He’s gonna torture you right now, and he’s gonnae fuckin enjoy it.

Renfrew…..other assorted potential surprises.

I’m almost scared tae suggest it, but with Drew not in the picture and a heavily scudded briefcase with a very important contract still in his possession, is a Chris Renfrew cash in a possibility? If Havoc vs Jester happens and it’s as brutal as expected, it very well fuckin might. Ye can rest assured that Chris Renfrew will be involved in this show somewhere. Providing moral, and probably physical support for his brothers, and knocking fuck out of someone, wae something heavy, at some point, might even be an innocent bystander. Might be YOU. He might even defend the tag belts on his own, against The Hendry Brothers (Joe and snooker legend Stephen…a wee Embra joke cause they’re both Edinburgh boaysies!) but he’ll definitely be there. Card most certainly subject to change. Although if he scuds you wae a chair, watch for yersell turning intae pre Christianity Shawn Michaels, ye might end up backed intae a corner that ye need tae shag yer way out of.

We also should get a word with the International Sex Hero DCT, perhaps advising Jackie Polo on the best way to use the singlet/suit jaiskit combination to entice a lady back to his boudoir for some light fondling and foolishness. Liam Thomson and Carmel MUST show up, cause thats their home turf and all Thomson done in Glesga last week is rip the cunt out it, so assuming he’s fishes any stray pubes Fito left in his mouth oot, he’ll be in amongst it. Maybe him and Carmel having a re-match of that stoatin mixed tag match wae Stevie and Kay Lee in Newcastle? I also fancy a continuation for this Kenny WIlliams/Damo alliance to happen, maybe those two taking on Joe Hendry and big Timm Wylie eh? A show without Kenny isnae an option anyway. Nor is a show without current Zero-G Champion and THE REEEEAL ICW CHAMPION, Mark Coffey. No got a fuckin clue what he’ll be doing, perhaps a wee title defence against a certain high-flying american dude who showed up unannounced at PCW last night? (Austin Aries btw…I’m talking about Austin Aries) either way, Mark Coffey will be there. You’ll be there if ye bought a ticket, so lets all fuckin go there and have a rare time.

Fuckin….wrestling.

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