The Ballad Of Bert Del Rio

del riooooo

Ass was like…kablow, knahmsayin? Like the back end of a bus, but with definition. Real defined.

Awful title. I’m so shite at titles.

But aye, Del Rio’s been released for gross misconduct. An altercation with a fellow employee it would seem. I’m going to write this from the perspective of it definitely not being a work, even though I reckon it might be, cause it eliminates a lot of redundant shit. For example, me starting sentences with “assuming it’s not a work” or ending them with “although it might be a work….” cause that shit is just unnecessary. Much like this paragraph here. Its filler. Something to read to distract yer mind from something else.

Distract your mind from what exactly? The harrowing prospect of WWE moving forward without one of its best wrestlers. I’m sure that fact kept you up last night, tossing and turning, cold sweat running all the from your forehead all the way down your arsecrack. How will they survive without the personality-less shell of a human known as Bert Del Rio? Quite easily I’d imagine. Its been a while since he was a major factor in the company and even though calling him a “personality-less shell of a human” was the use of some sleekit hyperbole, he always was fairly boring. On the mic at least, and that’s not just the usual problems someone who doesn’t speak English as their first language faces when trying to project their character to an English-speaking audience, it was because his promos were a bit fucking boring. Nothing more, nothing less. More often than not it was rambling bollocks and when Ricardo Rodriguez left his staff, he was up shit creek without a paddle. Or a phone to call for some help. Or a voicebox to even scream for help. Del Rio didn’t even have a fucking boat at all. He was just a guy. In his pants and kickpads. Desperately trying not to drown in shit creek. But the shit entombed him. Now he’s nothing but shit. What they’ve all been trying to tell you for years is finally true. Alberto Del Rio…is shite.

He never was shite though was he. Never been anything but one of the top wrestlers in the company and probably the world. Sure, he works them arm a lot. Probably overuse’s they sick sounding kicks, but it always makes sense. Particularly recently, where he’s been on his most consistent streak wrestling wise since his debut imo. Easily had Roman Reigns best singles match a couple of weeks ago on Smackdown and his 16 minute epic on RAW this week with Ambrose was captivating. It surprises me in an era where fans crave realistic looking, technically adept in-ring stuff that a guy like Del Rio was never anything close to being over. For me, whilst his promo work was always below par, he more than made up for it with his ACTIONS as a heel. Those actions more than anything else is what led to a bit of apathy growing towards him from the fanbase, because that’s how we seem to react to proper heels doing terrible things these days. They either get cheered to fuck, or met with a shoulder shrug. “Aye thats all well and good…but we’ve seen worse”

That was always Del Rios problem really. Even if he did get some properly good heat from a segment, it was always to his detriment. The fans HATED him when he took the belt from Ziggler, and the double turn that happened in that match (mind Del Rio was a face for a while btw? haha, never has a man been less suited to a role in a wrestling company..nae offence Bert, but you were not born to be cheered) was a thing of fuckin beauty, but the hatred for Del Rio was not the enduring emotion that came out of that match. It was a sense of injustice on Zigglers behalf, and that’s ultimately where the arse always seems to fall out of it for Del Rio. Keeping that heat. When he knocked fuck out of Ricardo Rodriguez to officially sever their working relationship, he had plenty of heat then, but once again it was the injustice you felt on Rodriguez behalf that lasted longer. No matter what he tried. No matter how sadistic it was, he could never get over. Even beating the living shite out of Sin Cara every time he was within 50 feet of him got him nowhere. For all the patter folk give it about wanting the attitude era back and missing the proper violence from wrestling, what’s more violent than a guy beating the shit out of a guy he legit doesn’t like? If Del Rio was Austin, and Sin Cara was Booker T, you’d all be wanking yourselves into temporary blindness. Would Del Rio panning Sin Caras melt in at a supermarket have got him over? That’ll remain one of those unanswered questions I spose eh. Because neither of them are employed by WWE anymore, so they’ll probably live out the of their days throwing knives at each other in public, and learning sign language just so they can swear at each other from opposite ends of the street without actually shouting. Innovators in hatred.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here (aye…there was a fuckin point, sometimes I make points…opinionations n that) is that with Del Rio, it’ll be a case of not realising what you had until its gone. A wee bit like Drew Galloway, except Del Rio DID get more than his fair share of chances at the top end of the card, but the fact remains. Decent, genuinely loathable heels, who can actually fuckin wrestle are not easy to come by these days, and WWE have just let one of the very best slip through their fingers. As for Del Rio himself, I hope whatever crime he’s been guilty of that led to this dismissal was worth it. And by that I of course mean, he better have knocked at least 4 or 5 of Randy Ortons teeth out. Hopefully by throwing Sheamus at him.

So since the WWE couldn’t bring themselves to say it during their bitter wee Twitter rant yesterday (which either adds legitimacy to the firing or detracts from it, depending on how you see the world, I dont know ye mate, thats on you to decide where ye stand there) I’ll finish this off by saying we here at Snapmare Necks wish Mr Del Rio the best of luck with his future endeavours, and if he ever wants to do an interview, all he has to do it call. We can put you back on the map Berty! Holla at me.

Romeo done.

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