ICW – You Have The Right To Remain Dead Review

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Is there any other promotion in the world that contains a guy who can get a crowd hot by walking fae one end of the ring to the other? Theres a certain genius about having 200-300 people gripped by you fuckin….walking. I really dunno if Jackie Polo is a total and utter mercurial genius, or we’re all just absent minded dafties, but something about him pacing and having a look of utter contempt on his coupon gets people going. He finally breaks the silence by warning Billy Kirkwood not tae interrupt him, before announcing that Scotlands BEEEEEEEEST wrestler is gettin fuckin sick of Sweeney threatening him. Its no just yer usual run of the mill threats of violence either, I’m no sure if I’ll ever shake off the feeling of pure fear when Sweeney looked like he was about tae whip it oot and pish on Jackie. Its not fear in the sense that I feared for Jackies welfare either, although I’m sure getting pished on is nae fun (unless yer intae that sort of thing, nae offence if ye are, each tae their own eh…ya fuckin rotter) more of a fear that I widnae be able to get that image out my heid. Jackie’s had just about enough though, and he issued the challenge to Sweeney. Polo vs Sweeney. Last week of the Fringe. A saga that started about a year and a half ago, when Sweeney chased Polo all over The Garage for the duration of a show, Polo popping up at various points with that all too familiar “I’ve just shat ma singlet” look on his coupon as Sweeney was in hot pursuit, will end wae Sweeney standing nose to nose wae the Sultan of the Spoken Word. That’s IF Sweeney’s man enough tae answer the challenge, which I imagine he will be considering he used tae use pretty boys like Polo as “burd substitutes” during his stint in the BarL. Polos patter parlour shut up shop early though, when one of ICWs best wrestling cards of the year (which is quite a feat considering Joe Coffey and Noam Dar were naewhere tae be seen) kicked off with the Champion having a chat about an auld pal.

Jester and Galloway, besties no more

Poor fuckin DCT. Caught in the crossfire of a feud between two men much bigger, and much scarier men than him. Caught in the crossfire of a champion in the midst of losing the plot. Whipped hauf tae death. Theres nae excuse for battering fuck out of DCT in such a manner. Nane whatsoever. If theres any justice in this world, Jester will have failed to register the belt in his squad of weapons, and he’ll be rightly kicked out of ICW, wae DCT taking his place as Champion (a very vague and terribly worded reference to the Celtic/Legia thing there…mixing fitba and wrestling is never wise, I’ll no dae it again, promise..unless I think of suhin pure hilarious) Anyway, Jester did make it clear that what happened tae DCT wasn’t his fault. Fair enough. Was there any need tae shout at the poor cunt before ye departed though? Theres a man lying face down on the canvas after ye wrote yer name on his back in belt marks, and then ye fuckin SHOUT at him? Nah. Not on sir. DCT will have his day let me tell ye. Hell hath no fury like a tash scorned.

The main topic of discussion in Jesters promo was a certain Mr Galloway though, and Jester gets tae revealing some insider secrets between the former best pals. Including how Drew used to phone him greetin about his position in WWE, when he’s performing at Madison Square Garden in front of thousands of folk, whilst Jester was back here working the Greenock Town Hall in front of 8 guys, 2 dugs and cardboard cutout of William Grange scranning a pie supper. In other words, he couldnae gie a fuck about Drew and his concerns about his position in the big time, cause he was back here working his baws off to create something special at home, and Drew thinks he can stroll back in 7 years after leaving his brothers behind for the bright lights and he expects tae just take over again? Not on Jesters watch, he disnae care how many mustachioed lotharios he has tae leather for nae reason, he will not stand idly by and let a really tall, handsome cunt take his belt. The big problem wae stopping him is the fact that he’s much taller than…well probably everyone in Scotland, and he’s also really good at battering folk. Jester also spoke about a teacher who laughed in the face of his aspirations to become a wrestler, who’s laughing now Mrs Gilagoodbody? No you anyway. Ye single btw? Cause if ye are, Jesters got a right gid lashing/boabin wae your name on it. Anyway. Point is. He was basically telling Drew tae “come ahead” and I believe that’s exactly what the big man will do. All the DCT battering and Drew patter seems to be distracting Jester from two monumental problems though. The fact that a 2 time former ICW Champion is the number one contender for his belt, and his stablemate and NAK leader Chris Renfrew has a title shot whenever he pleases. Never sleep on the Kliq. Or they mad bastards will put ye to sleep.

Damo vs Lewis Girvan 

I was fuckin INTAE this beforehand, and it did not let me down. Lewis Girvan is one of those guys that ye sometimes forget about, but then ye see him in action for the first time in a while and he reminds ye just how good he is. He brought something new to the table here though. A proper mean streak in the cunt these days, which is a handy thing tae have when you kinda have lassies hair. If yer gonnae look like a bit of a Kristen Stewart/Drew Galloway hybrid, ye need to display an aptitude for bravery and baw bootin.

Especially when yer in there with a real life human bear. One thing that not enough folk have tried wae big Damo is catching him off guard. Don’t even let the big brute get anywhere near the centre of that ring, cause if he gets there, unless you’ve got a crane and a small army at yer disposal, yer chances of moving him are slim. Especially when you’re….slim. Which Lewis Girvan is. His nimble frame allowed him to catch Damo off guard with a dropkick through the ropes, before a pair of suicide dives had the Belfast Bahookie Booter seeing stars. An attempt at a third suicide dive was caught, and Damo flung Girvan so hard he wound up clattering intae the barriers at the Garage in Glesga. The big yin made Girvan the latest inductee intae the Hall of ‘Fuck sake, that wis fuckin agony ya big bastard’ when he nearly burst him with that Senton he does against the barrier (seemingly called The Belfast Blitz…if ever a move had an apt name, its that) Pretty much as soon as Lewis Girvan was back in ICW, he was checking out of not only ICW, but the fuckin earth. No one survives the Belfast Blitz. Even god himself thought he’d get wide wae Damo one day, claiming he had the better beard. Claiming he could drink a pint of Guinness faster. Outlandish. Belfast Blitz for his troubles and that wis that. God was deid. Damian O’Connor killed god.

I dunno if this necessarily means Lewis Girvan is more of a hardnut than god or whatever, but he didnae actually perish as a result of the Belfast Blitz. Instead he hit Damo with a dropkick to the heid as the big man dwelled between the top and middle ropes, followed by another dropkick before the big man once again focussed all 20 odd stone of himself on Girvans chest (that sounds a bit like they were daein some intense slow dancing or suhin, I’ll articulate what I’m on about a bit better as we proceed, although if they did decide tae have a wee slow dance, that would just mean they’re comfortable with their love for one another, and society should be tae) as he hit him with the chest stand/senton combination. When he does that to folk without a lot of meat on their chests, I always envisage it having a similar effect to a bowling ball knocking down pins. Except rather than knocking down pins, its dismantling ribcages, and rather than a bowling ball its a FUCKIN BEAR. A rolling senton followed after that, cause as much as Damo is a unique talent in terms of look and skill set, yer man does conform to a few Irish stereotypes. Namely the consumption of cauld beers, and the dishing out of Rolling Sentons. Girvan rallied again with a flurry of forearms, and a beezer of a springboard crossbody, but another Rolling Senton and a decapitator of a Brogue Kick had Girvan on his back once again. It was a spirited effort fae Lewis, but it looked like his time in the match, and probably the earth (I’m well aware I used that patter earlier btw, so fuck, fight me me aboot it) when Damo got him up for the Electric Chair Driver type thing he does which I’ve recently learned is called The Ulster Plantation, but Girvans a crafty wee bastard int he? Rolled through it and almost had the big man beat with a sneaky rollup. A peach of a superkick, followed by the codebreaker had Girvan actually in the ascendency as the match rolled towards its conclusion. He got a wee bit too ambitious though, just a tiny bit over zealous, and when ye get over zealous and start diving in tae the strikezone of a grizzly, dont be surprised when that Grizzly bites yer heid clean aff. Or at least does the wrestling equivalent to that, which in this cause was a situout powerbomb, followed by The Ulster Plantation to hand the big man a well earned win.

Give Lewis Girvan plenty of credit though. He was given a chance to show the ICW fans what he can do once again, and he grasped it was both hands. Could quite easily have shaken Damos hand when it was offered it tae him at the end as well. It made sense on so many levels. A gesture of sportsmanship in-keeping with the spirited war they just engaged in. The safest option to take considering it was Damo offering ye his hand, and Damo’s really fuckin huge (I knew he was huge before this, but we were next tae the entrance at this show, and ye don’t quite realise just HOW big he is till yer within a couple of feet of him. Fuckin….aye, I jest wae the bear patter, but I’m properly convinced he’s a bear now. A bear who grew up around humans, learned how tae shave a bit, a learned their customs, but still…a fuckin bear all the same, am I saying bear too much?) but it wisnae the right option for a young man wanting to make an impression. If Lewis Girvan wants ICW tae sit up and take notice of him, he’s got tae be noticeable, so the slap to the dial that Damo received for having the audacity to extend his hand towards the young man will not have gone unnoticed. It was a proper fuckin belter of a slap tae. He got some welly behind it, but that’s a decision he’ll live tae regret (assuming he is alive) cause Damo knocked him the FUGG out, before urging the security guards tae roll him back intae the ring, so Damo could eventually shake his limp, deid haun.

Joe Hendry vs David “Yum Yum” Devlin

Ah Joe. I love ye man. I really do. I was at a personal low ebb when you had yer segment at Shugs House Party, and ye brought me back to life with yer outstanding parody patter, but Joe. Ye cannae go about underestimating Studio 24s favourite son. Ye cannae be giving it all the patter about how yer gonnae make short work of the bold Yum Yum, and then ye don’t follow through with it. This is the man who beat Mikey Whiplash, and took one of the sickest looking doings I’ve ever seen dished out in a wrestling ring off Chris Renfrew. Looks can be deceiving, cause even if he might look like that trolley boy at yer local ASDA that picks his nose n eats at, but underestimate him at your peril. Cause this much is true. YUM YUM’S GONNAE KILL YOU. I’m no caring how distracted you were, and how much of a fluke you regard it to be, when you underestimate a wrestler who’s as game as Yum Yum is, don’t be surprised when he sneaks up behind ye and rolls ye the fuck up. That’s just how it plays out sometimes. Eyes on the fuckin prize Joe Hendry (global hero) cause as soon as yer eyes deviate from that prize, even for a split second, YUM YUM ROLLS YOU THE FUCK UP.

It all started so well for the global hero tae, as he was well on top early on, using his size and strength advantage to keep Devlin down with armbar, and lock (wrist AND waist) action, before Devlin kicked it intae high gear with a couple of armdrags and a stoater of a dropkick. There was a simmering unrest amongst the ICW faithful as Yum Yum kicked into full flow. A quiet, but powerful chant emanated from the darkest parts of our collective souls. Almost possessed by the will of Yum Yum. The chant was fierce, the chant was true, the chant was “Yum Yum’s gonnae kill you”
Some stiff uppercuts from Joe Hendry kept Devlins homicidal tendencies at bay though, before Devlin his back with some smashing kicks and uppercuts of his own. A flying single leg dropkick from Joe took the bold Yum Yum off his feet, and a beauty of a DDT looked like it might have sealed the win for Joe, but a brief distraction from his supposed stablemate Kenny Williams(the word “mate” being used in the loosest sense of the word, these cunts are not pals) later and David “Yum Yum” Devlin had rolled yer Global Hero the fuck up for the 1,2,3. HEROISM LIVES AT STUDIO 24. And its name is Yum Yum.

Kenny took great pleasure in laughing his fuckin arse clean aff at Joe Hendrys expense, and James R.Kennedy had seen quite enough. He had enough of Kenny skipping roon ringside humming “Joe Hendry…is a bufty” to the tune of Paparazzi by Lady Gaga. He had quite e-fuckin-nough of Kenny Williams not being a team player, and it was time he was taught a lesson. James R Kennedy pretty much told Kenny he fuckin owned him, and it was high time he started knowing his role, and shutting his mouth. Kenny might be the bollocks, but James R Kennedy seemingly has him by the bollocks in ICW, and Joe Hendry made a point of toe-ing him in the bollocks as he delivered a emphatic kicking to our Kenny. STOP KICKING THE BOLLOCKS FUR FUCK SAKE MAN, IT LOOKS HEAVY SARE. The bollocks took his doing like a man, but where did that leave him with Mark Coffey on the horizon later in the night? Not ideal tae be facing a guy who’s only been pinned once in singles action in the past year in ICW, and considering that defeat was tae Fergal fuckin Devitt, you’d assume that unless Kenny was at 100% and had a fair bit of luck on his side, theres nae fuckin way he’d be taking that belt.

Renfrew drops MORE bombs on em

Fuckin stop it Renfrew. Ye keep on shooting like this, some cunts gonnae catch a stray bullet tae the eye. Out comes Renfrew, with the bold Darkside in tow, and he’s wondering where the fuck Jack Jester is. Ye see…Jack Jester was supposed to put that shiny belt of his on the line against TAFKA James Scott, but where the fuck wis he exactly? He took his baw, and took it up the road. Out for a wee chat wae his auld pal Drew, but forgot he had more pressing matters tae be dealing with. Renfrew proceeded to go IN on Jester after that. Calling him a self-righteous, and stating that the only reason he hasn’t cashed in yet is that its too much fuck watching Jester unravel. Why cash in now and put him out of his misery? Much better tae watch him squirm, week after week, always looking over his shoulder. Sitting, waiting, wishing for the torment tae end. Sure he’s fighting hard. Of course he is. He’s no kept an iron grip on that belt for the best part of a year without learning how to fuckin scrap, but in Renfrews eyes Jack Jester is on borrowed time. We then had week 3 of the big Wolfgang dicktease, when his music played once again, only for BT Gunn tae come out with Wolfys singlet on, a wolfs heid mask and a medicine ball stuffed doon the front. WE HAD US A DOPPELWOLFIE.  Renfrew and Darkside weren’t just out tae chat about Jester though. Nor were they just out there to tease us with the presence of Wolfie again. They wanted a wee chat with a local boy. A certain Bad Boy Liam Thomson. Thomson and Carmel have carved out a cracking wee niche for themselves lately, and have been easily two of the most consistent performers in ICW for a few months. Finally getting the recognition their stellar work has deserved for a long fuckin time, but do the NAK give the beginnings of a fuck about that? Nut. Ye see, they were interested in having Thomson and Carmel join the fold, and even lured Stevie Boy and Kay Lee Ray out for them last week, and left them to it. A mark of respect from the usually ruthless NAK boaysies. That respect ran oot when Thomson politely told Renfrew that him and Carmel were gonnae keep doing their own thing. Is that right aye? Fair enough. Too good for the NAK is it? Thats probably not whit Thomson meant, but thats how Renfrew took it. A mark of disrespect. You disrespect the NAK? They disrespect ye right back. Well not you personally, but even worse. They’ll come at yer burd. Mind this is the team that took a pair of scissors to a pregnant burd and knocked fuck out of half of the Fierce Females roster. The NAK are villains, and they have nae qualms whatsoever wae firing derogatory comments in the direction of yer burd to get a reaction out of YOU. Thats exactly how it went down, as Renfrew queried where Thomsons whore was? And Thomson saw red. Firing straight intae an ill advised attack on the Kliq, before a match between him and Darkside was hastily made, at which point I used my stauner as a javelin pole tae teleport myself tae the bar, where I ordered the barkeep tae dump a bucket of ice water over my heid, and then…and only then, was a ready for the technical wrestling clinic that the bold Liam Thomson and Darkside were about tae treat us to.

Darkside vs Liam Thomson

Before I go on tae fawn about this stoater of an impromptu match, I cannae ignore this worryingly daft chant that was going about during it. This was the first time I’d heard this patter, but it seemingly happens all the time, and this is why I don’t understand most other humans. Cause a “Theres only 2 Liam Thomsons” chant got going and I’ve never been more perplexed by anything I’ve heard at the wrestling. Even that one guy standing on his own last week chanting “what was that!” when Grado hit Cabana with a proper chop was less confusing than this shit (in case yer reading this mate, the answer to that is ‘a chop’….it wis a fuckin chop, ya nitpicking dickpiece) cause it appeared to draw a few folk in, and like I said…I just dont get it. Liam Thomson and James Scott do not fuckin look alike. Apart fae being similar height wise, and both being nasty bastards, theres nae similarities between them. It’s like saying Sheamus and Hulk Hogan look alike cause they’re similar heights, and they both enjoy kicking folk in the face. So naw. There is fucking not ‘2 Liam Thomsons’ theres one Liam Thomson, one darkside and this was one cracker of a wrestling match.

A snapmare followed by a dropkick kicked us off, then on to a running knee from the bold Darkside, before Thomson took him to the outside wae a dropkick of his own and made sure he was cleared for take-off prior to catching Darkside throat first was a suicide dive. Aw the fuckin dives at this show. He followed that up by launching Darkside intae a wall like a dagger wae a mohawk, before we made out way back intae the ring. For all they are more than capable of providing entertaining stuff outwith the squared circle, this is their domain. Take it away boaysies. Dazzle us. Darkside busted out a bridging vertical suplex when they were back in the ring, which resulted in a simmering cloud of steam emanating fae my crotch. He went for that move which eliminated Noam Dar fae the fatal four way after that, taht GTS looking thing, but instead of ending with a knee to the coupon, its a flying kick to the side of the heid. Nae idea why i’m over explaining the move right enough, cause Thomson blocked it anyway, and kicked intae overdrive with a lariat, followed by a flying knee and another beauty of a dropkick as Darkside dwelled on the second rope. Even though we haven’t seen a huge amount of them against each other in ICW, its clear that these two know each other inside out, as this match had a cracking pace tae it from the word go. Spose that might be something to do wae the chemistry that comes from them being identical twins eh? Darkside tried tae lock his brother in tae the triangle choke, but I’m not sure if it was reversed, of he couldnae bear to see the look on his poor mothers eyes when she found out one of her Liam Thomsons choked out the other, but in any case Thomson reversed it intae a peach of a Northern Lights Suplex, and the Backcracker followed not long after. I’m a big advocate for the backstabber/backcracker whatever ye want tae call it being a devastating move in wrestling btw. Its always been one of my favourites. Up there wae the stunner in terms of emphasis. It looks like it cracks backs. Thats the thing about it. Too many moves have names that don’t match what they actually dae. Does the neckbreaker actually break any necks? Nut. Has the tombstone ever tombed anyones stones? Nope. Has there ever been a chickenwing in the vicinity of the Crossface Chickenwing? Net eht. But the Backcracker cracks backs. Not in a chiropractor type of “I’m here to help” way, I mean that shit will crack your fuckin back. Snap yer spine. In any case, it was a two count, and Darkside picked up the win not long after wae the Vertebreaker (it has hunners of names, I like that one the best, but its technically a double underhook back to back piledriver) and that was that.

Stoater. Its one thing having all the technical ability that these two have, but they’re putting it together and making it work no matter who they’re up against lately. Darkside’s always been a top guy, but its nice tae see Liam Thomson continue to impress as a singles wrestler and even in a scenario where he wisnae necessarily the bad guy, he didnae lose his edge as a heel. The only reason him and Darkside were scrapping was down tae the NAK disrespecting his wuman. Any other circumstance he widnae have bothered his arse, cause they’re bad yins. He’s a bad yin. Its bad boys 4 lyf.

Mark Coffey vs Kenny Williams – (ICW Zero-G Title Match)

This is the third time I’d seen these two wrestle one on one, and with the greatest respect to both previous matches (which were both quality btw) this is the match I’ve been waiting for fae these two. A triumph in storytelling through WRESTLING. Sorry for shoutin at ye like, but matches like this rev my fuckin engine somethin fierce. Being able to tell a story like they did purely through how well they worked together in the ring tells you everything you need to know about how good this was, and how good Mark Coffey and Kenny Williams are at what they do. It was a cracking card wrestling wise, but with the greatest respects to everything else on the card, this stood head and shoulders above it all as MOTN for me. It kicked off wae Mark Coffey being greeted by the decidedly unwelcome presence of James R Kennedy and Joe Hendry, who claimed that due to Kennys inability to compete (due to them kicking fuck out him) that Joe Hendry would be taking his place in the match. The big problem wae that is the fact that Joe Hendry just got beat aff Yum Yum ye see, and guys who have very recently lost a match to a deep fried baked good cannae be getting title shots. It seemed indisputable though. If Kenny cant compete, James R Kennedy has the right to chose an alternative opponent, and the Global Hero was his choice. That was until oor Moses rose like the bollocks of a phoenix, from the ashes of all the dead chippendales the shite George Michael has dwelling in his spare room… to take on the monstrous task of facing Mark Coffey wae burst ribs. Why did I call him Moses I hear you ask (I lie, naecunt asked…naecunt ever asks) cause he parted Kennedy and Hendry like Moses parted the Red Sea, and walked right through the middle of his two tormentors to lead his flock to safety. His flock is us btw. His flock is all that stand behind the bollocks and defend his honour in the name of all that is good and pure.

He had a huge fuckin problem though. Not only was he taking on a guy who’s only singles defeat in ICW in the past year or so was to Fergal Devitt, he’s taking on a guy who was already much bigger and stronger than him anyway. I’m no saying Kenny Wiliams CAN’T beat a guy like Mark Coffey. Far from it. He has the talent level to overcome the physical mismatch, but for him to take the belt off a guy like Mark Coffey he needs two things imo. He needs tae be at 100% fitness, and he needs a fair bit of luck. Thats where the storytelling came intae play here, because Kenny had neither of those things, but for a wee second there it looked like he might do it. Even if theres always that wee thing in the back of yer mind saying that its pretty certain how a match is gonnae pan out, if they can make you believe otherwise during the match, then its great storytelling. It started with a slap, before Kenny got in amongst it was a flurry of striking. Jabs, dropkicks, dives. All sorts of trippy, flippy shit, before Coffey responded with some hard forearms and stinging chops. Kenny once again got the bollock-ites going with another dropkick, before Coffey completely derailed his momentum and scrambled the part of his brain that lets him recite One Direction tunes in his sleep with a huge clothesline to the back of the napper. Coffey was dominant for a while after that, utilising that submission hold that I currently cannae mind the name of, but its essentially a backbreaker. We’ll call it that eh. The backbreaker submission. Catchy int it? It was all part of a substantial effort fae Coffey to give Kennys ribs a right good going over. Kenny was here for a shiny belt though. Burst ribs, burst jaw, sare erse, whitever. He was clearly determined not to be denied this time and hit out was a flurry of forearms in the corner, followed wae a stoater of a springboard back elbow that had the millions (AND MILLIONS) of little Bollockomaniacs across the globe on their fuckin feet. He had ate his vitamins, and said aw the prayers he could say. It was up to the gods now. All or nothing Kenny boy. Whit ye got for us?

Unfortunately it was nothing. Mark Coffey just isnae beatable if you aren’t at 100%. Unless he takes ye lightly, or whoever’s booking the show decides to have him lose (cause wrestling is pre-determined n that, oh ye didnae know? gie yer arse a shout and tell it tae call somebody about it) theres nae way he’s losing to a guy wae burst ribs. Even a guy with the talent that Kenny Wiliams possesses. A bridgin back suplex, followed by a deadlift briding back suplex put Coffey on top once again, and he never relinquished that grip. Catching Kennys Tornado DDT attempt intae a Pumphandle Slam for a 2 count. Couldnae fuckin believe he kicked out of that. The purveyor of the pumphandle no gettin the job done with his main move? Momentary rage fit took over as Coffey stomped Kenny the fuck out for a bit, before picking him up and delivering Pumphandle Slam number two for the win. Absolute screamer of a match from these two. This kind of thing is what the Zero-G belt should be all about. Building up the guys who are gonnae go on to bigger and better things, and for me that inevitable for these two. Particularly Mark Coffey in terms of going for the big belt, cause just look at the cunt. Champion written all over him. He’s essentially had that belt for a year now bar a wee Devitt shaped blip, and does it feel like that? Are you fatigued wae him as yer Zero-G champ? Nah mate. Me neither, and he keeps ye engaged in his work without doing anything outlandish. Just gets in that ring and does the thing that he does best. Good..fuckin…wrestling…matches.

The torment wisnae over for Kenny though, as his slavedriver James R Kennedy and Kennedys own personal singing bodyguard Joe Hendry came out to compound his misery again. It was a masterful bit of villainous promo work fae Kennedy though. As he reminded Kenny of his predicament as part of the Kennedy Administration. Ye can wax Joe Hendrys shoes, spit shine my coffee mugs, and brush Tim Wylies teeth, and ye can fuckin like OR you can take the high road and leave, but you won’t only be leaving the Kennedy Administration, you’ll be leaving ICW for good. Ye see, James R Kennedy is the keeper of his contract and no matter how many bears he teams up wae, or how many wanker signs he fires in their direction, it all boils down to James R Kennedy owning him. He has the bollocks by the bollocks, and is James R Kennedy feels that Joe Hendry is the main man in The Kennedy Administration, well tough fuckin shit. You want tae keep plying your trade in ICW? You better hold the ropes open for Joe Hendry. Better pour the milk intae his Coco Pops, and if the pops get soggy, you better unsog them. Burst ribs or fucking not, you better hold that curtain open for the Global Hero to walk on through, and if Kennedy tells ye to stay out there, amongst your “people” and have a good long think about what you’ve done, you better fuckin do that anaw. As unpleasant a situation as it is for Kenny tae be in, thats just life int it. Sometimes we need to do things we don’t want tae do, so opportunities can be presented tae us that we might not have had before. It wis masterful stuff though, cause Kenny comes out of it more over than ever, and Joe Hendry finally gets the crowd reactions his charater is due, cause he’s a bit of a cunt. A loveable, charismatic cunt, but a fucking cunt nonetheless. Cunts don’t get unanimous singalongs, and everyone sticking their lighters and phones in the air to create atmosphere. Know what happens to cunts. THEY GET BEAT AFF YUM YUM THATS WHIT.

If MMMMNGMMMHM JOE HENDRAAAAY is a global hero, then what does that make Yum Yum? Master of the fuckin Universe that’s what.  WE LOVE YOU YUM YUM…WE DO…OH YUM YUM WE LO…sorry, I’m supposed tae be impartial or suhin eh? Aye. Kenny got a physical and emotional doing, but he was still standing at the end. Plucky. Know who else is plucky? Yum Yum. I’m just sayin, if yer short on tag team teams, ye could dae worse than Kenny and Yum Yum teaming up. Kenny Boy. Davie Boy. THE PLUCKY BOYS.

Nikki Storm vs Viper

Ah Nikki hen. You do tremendous things to my brain. I’ve never seen a Nikki Storm performance and not felt like she fuckin nailed it. Every single time. In terms of pure unadulterated wrestling talent, she’s one of the best female wrestlers in the world . There are a lot of hugely talented folk plying their trade in Scotland, and we should be grateful of that, but with the greatest respect to the top female talent throughout the world, I don’t know if ye could present a currently active female wrestler to me who I enjoy more than Nikki Storm. Unless her names ‘Carmel Jacob’ theres no one who comes close to how captivating Nikki is. The way she interacts with the crowd, and the atmosphere around her combined wae her always stellar work in the ring, its just too fuckin much at times. I always feel like I’m being disrespectful to the likes of Kay Lee Ray and Viper when I gie it that patter. Like they don’t compare or something. That’s no the case at all. I’m huge fans of both of them tae, and they should also be at a place where wrestling is their full time living, but Nikki and Carmel always have me transfixed on the things they do. I watch a fuckload of wrestling. Im sure it hasn’t escaped yer attention, that I’m personally fuckin intae it, and I count Nikki Storm and Carmel Jacob as two of my top 10 wrestlers in the world to watch right now. Not female wrestlers, wrestlers in general. They’re fuckin phenomenal, and I’ll tell ye whit else Nikki Storm gives ye aside from being really good at what she does, she gives ye the opportunity tae have a wee dance tae Larger Than Life by The Backstreet Boys without anycunt fuckin judging ye, and that is perhaps the greatest gift of all.

She’s the best in the galaxy anaw, and whilst she frowns upon sweary words being worked in tae chants about her, if someone’s calling themselves the best in the galaxy and I happen tae agree with that assesment, I’m gonnae swear about it a bit. Thats just how I display excitement awrite? Ye cannae get me aw hyped up on Backstreet Boys and good wrestling and not expect expletives to follow. So Nikki fuckin Storm got in amongst it with the bold Viper, and it was almost too braw. Nikki’s inability to move Viper with her early barrage led her tae ask if Viper was trying to embarass her. Naw pal, shes just a battering ram of a wuman who will put ye on yer arse at will if you don’t keep that arse well protected. Duck and move Nikki hen. Use yer speed. A pair of lariats and a scoop slam had Viper on top, before Nikki raked Vipers back. A near fall occurred after that where Nikki insisted it was a THREEEEEE, but referee Tam McLovin disnae fuckin make mistakes. I love ye Nikki, but wind yer neck in. Nikki hit a neckbreaker after that, and seemed in the drivers seat before Viper got back in the match with a powerbomb followed by a low crossbody. It was a beautifully paced match, with both competitors looking fuckin strong throughout, but the move Nikki hit after that is one I have no idea whit tae call. I noted it as a “Sweeping Suplex” cause it kinda looked like a Russian Leg Sweep/Suplex combination, but fuck knows. It was impressive anyway, excuse my rampant ignorance and try and picture it as best ye can, or if that description’s daein fuck all for ye, just picture a really good run of the mill suplex. Nikkis momentum was short lived though as Viper caught her in mid air hit the Viper Driver for a 2 count, but that would be her last near fall of the this hard fought belter of a match when Nikki sealed the win with the Firemans Carry Sitout Slam. 

Loved that match hunners. It wasn’t the best match of the night, but in a lot of ways it was the one I enjoyed the most cause it didnae have Kenny Williams getting humiliated at the end, and I fuckin love Nikki Storm. Did I make that obvious enough aye? Viper tae. Just a cracking match. I sound like a pure fapping fanboy wank at this point, but aye. Love it hunners. Wrestling is the one.

The NAK (Chris Renfrew and BT Gunn) vs Irn-Jew (Grado and Colt Cabana) – (ICW Tag Title Match)

I was accused of being a fence sitting bastard throughout this one, and I’ll openly admit tae that. I popped for everyone. I popped for pretty much everything, and I feel nae guilt about that, because liking Grado and Colt, and liking the NAK comes fae two entirely different parts of the brain. The NAK liking part is the same part that roots for the bad guy in movies, the same part that sheds a wee tear everytime Tony Montana gets filled full of bullets at the end of Scarface, or the same part that thinks Neville Bartos had it coming. The bad guys are cool. The bad guys are violent. The bad guys are BT Gunn and Chris Renfrew and that makes is easier tae like the NAK anaw, cause no matter how bad they are, theres an appreciation for the craft. Even if ye vehemently hate Chris Renfrew, theres nae denying the promo he cut last week for solid gold. Even if ye hate BT Gunn, theres nae denying that the match wae Tommy End was one of the most exhilarating you’ll see all year. Not just in ICW. Fuckin anywhere. Wae Grado and Colt, you have to be just a tiny bit dead inside not tae get it at all. When they’re at their best just exchanging patter with each other its hilarious. Theres a joyfulness about them as a tandem, and there wis something deliciously old school about this whole affair. The baddies against the goodies. Coupla shiny belts on the line. Grado and Colt came out tae a mashup of their tunes btw, which I wisnae hugely intae, cause it deprived me of the simple joy of whippin my tap aff and running roon the royal mile screamin “ITS COLT CAH BAH NAH!” tae my lungs burst. But whitever. I kinda get it. If Irn-Jew are tae be considered a proper tag team, they have to enter and depart as a unit, but the mas up wis basically Like a Prayer fae a smattering of “boom boom” and that’s no the right Colt to Grado ratio for me. I’m needin hauf and hauf next time at worst. Anyway…fuckin, wrestling?

The NAK got a wee bit sick of Grado and Colts early shenanigans and decided tae stomp them the fuck out from the get go, before a double whip led to a double lariat. Colt and Grado must have been working on their double team shit aw week beforehand, cause they reeled out one of the most devastating double team moves my eyes had ever seen. Colt revved Grado up like one they Lawnmowers that eh…well the wans that need revved up. Anyway, with the power of a 1000 Colts (insteads volts…get it? widdye mean it was pish? fuck you man) Grado unleashed a flurry of jabs. Followed by a wee slice of Jeff Jarrett strutting, as Jackie Polo watched on in sheer disgust at the patter he liften being lifted again. Third hand strutting patter. Grado and BT Gunn then got in tae a seemingly endless array of armbars, that led BT tae implore Grado tae “DAE SOMETHIN DIFFERENT!” so he did, he tagged his pal Colt in and it was him who had the armbar in instead. At this point I think we all genuinely feared for BT Gunns arm, cause as much as an armbar very rarely gets a cunt tae tap out, he must have had his arm twisted for a good half hour at this point. Grado missed wae a chop as we finally broke up armbar hour, before BT Gunn hit his first chop of the night, and it was of course a fuckin sare yin. They all are. When BT Gunn was born he chopped the doctor so hard he wound up in A + E in the Royal, which is remarkable considering he wis born in Monklands. Renfrew got in and hit an inverted atomic drop right away, before both him and BT went chop daft. Everybody was choppin. Choppin Grado today. (that wis tae the tune of surfin USA btw and it fuckin WIS funny awrite..I liked it anyway) More chops in the corner, were followed by a snapmare and a dropkick fae BT as the NAKs experience of teaming together seemed tae be serving them well. Cohesion over comedy. Wins every fuckin time. Of course if ye can combine cohesion AND comedy ye might just have something special on yer hands, but it remained to be seen whether Grado and Colt could make that happen.

Renfrew proceeded to pull of the most incredible feat of strength I’ve seen in wrestling, since Brock Lesnar was F5’ing the Big Show like he was a cruiserweight back in the early 2000. A fuckin back suplex tae Grado. A move where Grado looked like he went deid weight anaw. Grado did not much care for being back suplexed it seems, but that shit happened. And it was EMPHATIC. A wee bit of Lesnar-esque flexin fae Renfrew was immediately followed by him sniffin his bogeys all over the shop, only for Grado’s ‘clatty-ometer’ tae go haywire and him to provide that natural response to being snottered upon. ROCK BOTTOM. Hot tag…in comes Colt. Shake rattle n rolling. Bionic elbow’in. To the outside Renfrew and BT went, double baseball slide fae Irn-Jew, followed by Grado goin airborne with a leap aff the apron. Iits a wee bit odd that when they took the fight into the crowd, thats when Irn-Jew got the upper hand, cause thats usually where the NAK thrive, but no this time. Grado and Colt were taking a shot each to hit Renfrew with Jabs, before Grado actually made use of a fuckin chair. Not for sitting either. For hitting. Wid ye believe that? Please stay safe btw. Grado is a professionally trained performer. Do not imitate the things he does in the ring, in yer hoose, up the roof of the high flats, or at school. Stay safe. Dont hit people wae chairs. With Grado and Colt getting the upper hand, The NAK called on hauners in the form of Darkside, but heres something to note for a wee bit later. NAE DIVERS. Darkside comes out, dishes out a superkick and it seems that the dream has died for the Kliq. That was until……aw they fuckin did it again didn’t they.

Darken the city, night is a wire…Steam in the subway, earth is a afire..DO DO DO DO DO DOO DOO DO DO DO DO DO

Fuck off Renfrew mate. Ye think I’m popping again? I can do the math mate. The NAK has 4 members. Three of them are currently in the wrestling ring, that leaves an odd Divers out mate. This is obviously Dickie Divers. Why the fuck else wouldnt he be out there? Of course its Divers. Ye think I dont know a Divers when I see a Divers? Please. Yep, thats him removing his mask now to reveal Dick……oh jesus fucking christ its really him. ITS WOLFGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG. RUN FOR YER FUCKIN LIVES.

BT Gunn is taken the fuck out with a ferocious spear, before the big man chased BT and Darkside clean out the building. Leaving Renfrew in the ring, all alone. With Irn-Jew. A chant of “where the fuck is Divers!?” led Renfrew tae pose that very question. Where the fuck IS Divers…..it didnae matter anymore. Nothing did. He was all alone for once, and a jaw dislodger of a Wee Boot later, WE HAD NEWWWWW ICW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS. Irn-fuckin-Jew.

I popped. Course I fuckin did. I love the NAK, and if ye MADE me pick a side I’d probably side with the bad guys, but does that make it any less beautiful tae see Grado finally lift a belt in ICW and to have his tag team partner be one of his all times fuckin heroes, a man who he now gets to call a friend? That’s fuckin special man. Very special indeed. Like Giant Gonzalez fishin yer cat out a tree for ye. Heartwarming. And I felt a warmth for it. I felt a warmth for walking out of a wrestling show with that feelgood factor running fae my foreheid, all the way down the gooch. I assume they’ll drop them fairly quick cause Colt Cabana kinda disnae live here, but still. A lovely moment for the boaysies, and it was cracking tae finally find out for sure that Wolfgang isnae deid. Looking forward to him and BT going at it again. As emotionally charged as that feud is now, that shit is bound to be bananas.

I think it was near half time, but I’m no entirely sure so I’ll just put it here. Dallas announced that ICW are embarking on a Magical Mystery Tour of England. With dates in Newcastle, Leeds, Liverpool and Birmingham. The bandwagon’s showing nae signs of stopping. Jump on that fucker or get run over. Unfortunately it probably means I’m gonnae miss my first shows since Tramspotting last year, but thats life. Cannae stop progression. Overall I thought it was a cracker of a wrestling show. Match quality was top notch. To put on a top quality wrestling card WITHOUT Joe Coffey and Noam Dar is nae mean feat. No that I’m saying I’m happy that we didnae see those two, but its still quite an achievement to have out one of the best wrestling cards of the year on without them.

Wrestling. See yees next week.

 

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One thought on “ICW – You Have The Right To Remain Dead Review

  1. Pingback: ICW – Suspect Is Hatless (Repeat Hatless) Preview |

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