The return of the single greatest red and black singlet with gold stars wearing performer in the history of ICW happens this Sunday, and we should all be very fucking excited about that. Red Lighting is yer ex ICW Champion. Red Lightning is one of the best in Scotland at what he does. Red Lightning is here, tae ransack….yer wrestling show. Ransack it and leave it in better shape than it was when he turned up, cause thats how Red Lightning ransacks things. Aside from that, big Sha Samuels is up for a visit, and it would be A Damn Shame is Coach Trip and Sweeney don’t have a great match (ye get it aye? aye yer a smart kid, I’m sure ye dae) so here we go. Week 4 of yer ICW 6 week extravaganza, week 3 of the Fringe one. Keep up with how its gone down so far here and here. Keep up with how this show went down by being there. Don’t worry if you’ve no got a ticket btw, ye can still get them here.
Coach Trip vs Sweeney (If Sweeney wins, he faces Jackie Polo next week)
As I said earlier, it would be A Damn Shame if this match disnae live up to its expectations (ye still don’t get it? fuck sake man, I dunno why I bother sometimes). I suspect there will be Polo related shenanigans involved, but they’ll blow up in his face, much like Sweeneys urinating penis threatened to all those months ago. This’ll be a good old-fashioned brawl I reckon, admittedly it’ll be my first time seeing Sweeney in a singles match, but from what I’ve gathered from seeing various bits and pieces from him, he likes smashin cunts. He’s also been known tae cause a bit of havoc on a few Coach Trips in his time, including an infamous trip to the Hamilton Races where he dished out hayfever tablets and told everyone they were eccies. Everycunt cuttin about like they’re aff their tits, when really all they had is slightly clearer sinuses. Anyway. Sweeney will prevail, and the Purveyor of Patter will need tae face his tormentor next week.
Jack Jester will do something
Fuck knows whit. Will he face Darkside? Will he cut another promo, this time focussing on teaching people the proper technique for whipping DCT in the face? Will Jimmy Havoc show up, having rode Sha Samuels like a big hairy horse all the way fae London? Time will tell. Jester will be involved though, and I suspect he will have a proper match this time. Fuck…maybe he’ll show up and leather Jamie Feerick, challenging Renfrew to cash in while Jester’s got his wits about him. That would actually be fuckin sweet. Or they have a non title match, Jester wins, Renfrew picks up the briefcase and knocks him clean out wae it. Cashes in immediately. Renfrew is yer neeeeeeeew ICW Champ. Or maybe Jester will knock fuck out of DCT again. Who knows.
Chris Renfrew vs Jamie Feerick (If Feerick wins, he earns a brand spanking new ICW contract, complete with his own personal dressing room and servant who does nothing but put his kneepads on and tell him his abs look ‘long and strong’)
If this is left to its own devices, Renfrews gonnae mangle our Feerick. Nae offence tae ye Feerick mate, but Renfrew will not be in a good mood. He no longer has a tag belt, and no longer can he claim to have been the guy who masterminded the murder of Wolfgang, cause Wolfie is aliiiiiive. I suspect Feericks gonnae get victimised here, and he’ll take his doing like a champ before someone makes the save. Maybe Wolfie again, maybe Jester, mabe even Joe Coffey considering he’s still got some unfinished business with the Kliq. Who fuckin knows. The only thing I’m certain about regarding this, is that Feericks gonnae get a doing, and Chris Renfrew will probably set Studio 24 on fire for having the gall to provide a venue for the mutual masturbation sesh that was Irn Jews post match celebrations (I enjoyed it like, but Renfrew slamming his fists on the ground and screamin ‘why have you forsaken me Edinburgh!” at the top of his voice on his way backstage last week, suggests that he wisnae a fan) So aye. Renfrew for the win.
Where is Joe Coffey? Where is Mark Coffey? Where are…The Coffeys?
Where’s ma Coffeys? I need fuckin caffeine mate. 4 weeks in a row now there’s been shows. I’m wilting. My legs and eyes are weary. Give me an injection of the best wrestler in Scotland and the real ICW champion. Maybe team them up to face Irn-Jew for the belts, but it all goes wrong. The friction from their match at the first London show resurfaces. They’re still brothers ye see, but different goals n that. Different outlooks on how this wrestling thing should be done. They clash. Irn-Jew retain, Coffeys have a scrap, sets up the single greatest brother vs brother feud in the history of wrestling. Bret and Owen can keep kickin each others legs ootae their legs. Matt vs Jeff yielded nae good matches, and the only thing the Rhodes brothers are fighting is their insatiable desire to touch each others boabies. Nah but, there’s has to be Coffeys in some capacity. Cannae have nae Joe 2 weeks in a row.
The Owens Twins vs Carmel and Sara
This was magic at FFs. A proper hardcore brawl, with smatterings of excellent wrestling intertwined. I’ve nae doubt this will be the same. Loving the re-emergence of womens matches at ICW tae, they were quiet for a while, but theres nae doubt a vibrant women’s division is key to ICW growing the way they want to. Folk crave GOOD womens wrestling, and we’ve got some of the best female wrestlers on the fuckin planet plying their trade here. Hope tae fuck Carmel cuts a promo tae. I’ll never tire of her calling folk cunts. She does it in an oddly polite, but still scathing manner. Imagine her and Jimmy Havoc cut a heel promo together, pure unadulterated evil masquerading as calm, collected niceness. Besta gear.
Sha Samuels vs Wolfgang
This is a spectacular bit of booking int it? I suspect this might be the best match of Fringe run yet, and considering last week had a bevvy of belters, thats saying something. Theres just nae way this isnae going to be stellar. Wolfgang back after weeks on the shelf due to his cousin caving his skull in, and Sha Samuels up in Scotland for the first time, with the insatiable desire tae fuckin wreck the joint. Theres nae way this wont be an explosive stoater of a scrap. Good chance of some NAK based shenanigans, but I hope no. Let them fight, then we’ll resolve Wolfies issues wae the most diabolical stable in pro wrestling today (and their pal Divers) Would be cool as fuck to see Sha join though eh? Imagine they just keep recruiting all of Wolfgangs potential opponents, until ICW resembles a WCW vs NWO type of scenario, where theres more NAK cunts than establishment cunts, but then, if the anti establishment team has more players than the company itself, do they become the company? Do they then become.. the establishment? What the fuck am I even on about here man? Wolfie vs Sha. Its gonnae be smashin.
BT Gunn vs Red Lightning
So. Much. Yass. Red Lightning belongs in ICW, because without him, ICW has nae moral code. Without Red Lightning, its aw exposed nipples, hitting each other wae barbed wire bats and threatening pregnant lassies wae scissors. With him? We’ve got decorum. We’ve got side headlock takedowns. We’ve got good honest, hard work, and we’ve got it all in a neat red, black and gold package. Singlet right uptae the eyeballs, cause this isnae a fuckin peep show. Its WRESTLING. Whit d’ye mean he used to use belt shots all the time when he was champion? That was his fuckin right as the main man. Once you obtain ownership of that shiny belt, it becomes an extension of you. Pish patter aside, I’m genuinely fuckin delighted to see The Peoples Wanker back in ICW, and considering he’s going up against a guy who still feels like he was robbed of his title when Red cashed in the first Square Go contract to win it off him all that time ago, its got a bit of needle tae it. This time BTs the villain and Red’s yer hero, but the fact remains. This is going to have plenty of bad blood, and that can only lead to a braw match. As much as I reckon Wolfie vs Sha will steal the show in terms of match quality, this match will fuckin draw ye in. Absorb every single bit of ye. Cannae fuckin wait for it.
In terms of other things, I’d be extremely grateful for a wee glimpse of Noam Dar is he’s no busy, and perhaps a dash of Liam Thomson. Damo anaw. Lets get Damo in tae sort these Kennedy Administration cunts once and for all, cause they’re bullying ma man Kenny Williams, and I’m no fuckin intae it. I was also assured we’d have some Bucky Boys at some point, so if Daveys fit, lets get them fuckin involved. Everycunt. Lets have a fuckin battle royal or suhin. I dunno. Its wrestling, it’ll be good. Summerslams on after it (maybe not in the venue, but Walkabout and BOX will have it on as per) anaw, so ye can stay oot, tan a few white Russians, get yer nips nice and erect, whap the tap aff and wait for the queue tae form. Everycunt likes a solid nipple. Regardless of gender, creed or colour.