The title is WWE Summerslam Preview, the content will be less preview, more investigative piece. Cause where the fuck are The Usos man? No trace of them for about two weeks after them scorching the last PPV with Harper and Rowan. Is there anything even approaching a good explanation as to why they are not only left off the card, but have apparently been pushed off the face of the earth? No. The answer to that is no. Always no. When I say “Uce” ya’ll say “WHO?” Because Rikishi’s sperm turned into twins, and those twins won some shiny belts, then vanished when one of the most important cards of the year came around. Know who else isn’t on the card? The Big Guy and his best bud The Axe-Man. You tell me if theres any decent explanation for two of the greatest tag teams in the history of this business to not have an hour long tag ream iron man match slap bang in the middle of this PPV? Ugh. I’ve barely written about WWE in 4 or 5 weeks, and its this kind of shit that sums up why that is. No Usos but theres a McMahon on the card aye? NEPOTISM LIVES.
The Miz (not Jimmy or Jey Uso) vs Dolph Ziggler (not Ryback or Curtis Axel) – (WWE Intercontinental Title Match)
Whatever. This match will probably be ok cause Ziggler seems to bring the best out in The Miz. The best in The Miz is still fucking shite btw, but its watchable shite. If Ziggler doesn’t take the belt, this match can roll itself into a wee ball, line itself in thumbtacks and shove itself up The Miz’s dads arse.
Ways this could be improved by the Usos and/or Rybaxel – Having any of the four replace The Miz would improve it vastly, because fuck the fucking Miz.
AJ Lee (not Jey Uso) vs Paige (not Jimmy Uso) – (WWE Divas Title Match)
I’m probably more excited about this than anything else on the card, purely because Rollins vs Ambrose has the worst fuckin stip possible. Rollins vs Ambrose will still be good btw, but that should be a ladder match with the briefcase on the line. If they done that, you’ve got a potential best ladder match of all time on your grubby wee hands, but instead you’ve got lumberjacks, and considering half the potential lumberjacks have been released recently, its just going to be guys we see all the time (and Zack Ryder) and the shit is going to be incredeboring. I do not need to see Titus O’Neil throwing folk about. I already have a recurring nightmare of him throwing piranhas at me while I’m on the diving board at my local swimming pool, and it’s like “I’m not supposed to dive today am I?” Is that what the dream is telling me? Like…on a subliminal level? Also. AJ Lee vs Paige will be brilliant. Should probably point that out eh? Considering this is the bit about that match. Paige has been majestic as a heel pretending to not be a heel, but still doing really heely stuff. AJ has actually been a lot better as a goodie than I though. Without Paiges sleekit badness to bounce off of, it probably wouldn’t have worked as well as it has, but its been exactly the type of feud I expected these two to be having. Give this match time. Let it breathe. Let them tell a story. And you’ll have yourself a classic. Take this night. Make it evergreen. Paige to regain the belt.
How this could be improved by The Big Guy – He leaves the match alone out of respect, but gives Justin Roberts a huge wedgie, and slingshots him into Row Z.
Randy Orton (not The Big Guy) vs Roman Reigns (not Ryback)
This match was an almighty mess when they done it at the Glasgow house show I was at recently, but I’ve enjoyed the feud. Orton knocking the utter fuck out of Reigns on RAW the other week was easily my favourite Randy Orton work in years. Maybe ever. That double RKO on the table cause it didn’t break first time? Majestic. Viciousness at its best. If they’ve tightened the match up, it might be awrite. I really don’t give a fuck about it though. So obvious that Reigns is winning, the need for the match is kinda negated. Unless they finally debut a new look for Reigns, cause him still doing The Shield thing is fucking daft. Like he’s still holding on to hope. Your brothers are about ready to kill out other Reignsy mate. Let it fuckin go.
How this could be improved by Jey Uso – Jey is inserted into the match as special guest ref, and pulls all sorts of hilarious OTT facial expressions when Randy does particularly Viper-ish shit. When Reigns is mid-spear, Jey also shouts “GET EM CUZ!” cause thats his real life cousin, and Jey Uso don’t give a fuck about kayfabe baybay.
(not The Axe-Man but…) Jack Swagger vs Ru(not Jimmy Uso)sev (Flag Match)
Jack Swagger better go over. Clean tae. Fucking Rusev. Is there something I’m not getting? He’s fleet footed for a big lump of a cunt, and his burd remains the tidiest wee blonde in all the land, but am I supposed to give a fuck about him because I want his burd to smash a beer bottle over my heid, and I want her to use my own blood to try and blind me? The match will probably be good, but it needs Swagger winning clean or Rusevs just another boring indestructible barrel chested naecunt.
How Rybaxel could make this better – Having a game of giant Jenga at ringside, and whenever they remove a piece, they hand it to Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and he stoats round the ring using it as a 2X4 chanting USA. Swagger gets so sick of it he legit stats battering fuck out of Duggan, Rusev saves the day. Then everyone involved joins hands and sings “Oh Canada!” until Jerry Lawlers wee orange napper bursts into a confusion induced inferno.
Bray Wyatt vs Chris Jericho (Harper and Rowan banned from ringside, The Usos and Rybaxel aren’t banned from ringside, but they wont be there either)
Is it terrible that I don’t give the beginnings of a fuck about this? Its just the exact same feud as Wyatt done with Cena, only this time he’s allowed to go over. Its WWEs fault though. All they done with Jericho during his last run is use him to put people over, and even his clean win over Wyatt last month done fuck all for he credibility. He’s still Chris Jericho though, and it’ll still be a good match, but I’m not really engaged with the feud at all. Either Wyatt wins, or his chances of being a main event talent die.
How The Usos could make this better – Hosting a “this is your life” segment with Rikishi and Val Venis. Where Val keeps talking over Rikishi to name legal things that are more dangerous than smoking weed. “they let people drive cars man…cars kill…like…people n shit, and they let people drive em, but I cant blaze it up in the middle of central park? its pathetic
Stephanie McMahon (aka the anti Axe-Man) vs Jimmy Bella (not accompanied by her twin Jey Bella)
Twin magic is back! Or it would be if Jey Bella didn’t keep getting her shit ruined by various hired guns at the hands of the King of the Queendom. Stephanie McMahon. If this is a legit wrestling match, I’ll be stunned. Although Steph does a better pedigree than her gargantuan nosed husband, so who the fuck knows eh. Lost all interest in this angle after the “DBry’s shaggin his physio” pile of nonsense on RAW this week. So I dont really give a semblance of a fuck about the outcome.
How the WWE Tag Team Champions Brie Uso and Nikki Uso could make this better – Twin Magic! simple as that, used to be the only thing interesting about the Smellas, but since Jey Bella got her tits done, twin magic is not an option. If you replaced The Bellas with The Usos, the opportunity for twin magic resurfaces and all of a sudden Steph’s in a handicap match. Adding interesting combustible elements to a match that’s already fit to blow! USO-CRAZY
Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins (Lumberjack match which might actually include The Usos and Rybaxel)
Nae bullshit. This will be fantastic. Even with the lame stipulation, its still going to be a red hot feud finally coming to an end in the middle of that ring. In a way I like the Lumberjack thing, cause we’ll see just how captivating Ambrose vs Rollins can be without any daft outside spots. Two guys having a right good grapple. Well, Dean Ambrose will likely knock fuck out of Rollins…but in a grapple-y fashion. I really don’t think it matters who wins, I can’t see either of them coming out of this in a weaker position than when they went in. Unless Heath Slater pulls out a pistol and kneecaps them both screaming “this ones for you Drew…….and that one’s cause they hindered Jinder”
How The Usos and Rybaxel can improve this – By being the best fuckin lumberjacks they can be, thats how.
John Cena (WWE Champion, even though it should be The Big Guy) vs Brock Lesnar (the Paul Heyman guy who ended the streak, not The Axe-Man)
Lesnar must win. Simple as that. Fuck knows where they take it from there, but if Lesnar ends the streak, he must win. Cena cannot be painted as something stronger than the fucking streak. The Undertakers legacy is weirdly on the line in a match he has nae involvement in. I appreciate Cena and all that. Not one of these anti-Cena fannies by any stretch of the imagination, but if he comes out of this match undecimated, something’s went badly wrong. I could see Lesnar winning clean after a half hour epic, and The Authority ambushing the whole thing for Rollins to cash in right away. Cesaro being part of the crew, and that sets up Cesaro vs Lesnar for the future, but fuck maybe thats just wishful thinking. Looks like Cesaro is firmly midcard once again. Shite. Having said all that, my prediction for this is a time limit, shenanigan free draw.
How The Big Guy can make this a more pleasurable experience – Giving you a special Big Guy foot massage while it’s on would be a start.
If you have to endure Summerslam without The Usos or Rybaxel, you should be able to do it without drink as well. If you have work in the morning, or at the very least a child to get read for school, do not partake in intoxication pls. Its bad parenting.