When I first opened the page to write this I thought “here theres fuck all announced bar Sweeney n Jackie Polo, whit the fuck am I gonnae write?” So I was racking my brain for something a wee bit creative. Like mibbe make up a card, wae drawings of my fantasy matchups in a similar style tae the wee photos ye see (like the ones below) and just go a bit daft wae it. Then I checked the event page, and boom. A full fuckin card announced. How the fuck did I miss that? Anyway. Boring speil aside, its the last show of the Fringe run and ICWs 50th ever show, so ye know the shit’s gonnae hit the fan. There’s too many unresolved issues for this tae just be 6 wrestling matches, then we all merrily stoat up the road. Nah. There’s gonnae be a venue full of people looking to batter folk. Jimmy Havoc, the whole of the NAK and probably DCT are gunning for the champ. The NAK will more than likely feel that its time for the title reign, and lifespan of “Irn-Jew” should come to an end. Sweeney will finally get the chance to swing a few hayemakers at Jackie Polo in an orgnaised situation. A lot of folk getting doings n that.
So it’s been fuckin fun so far eh? One more won’t hurt. Apart fae the numerous people it will physically hurt, cause wrestling is sore sometimes. Aye….
Damo vs Jimmy Havoc
This just plainly isnae fair. I know Jimmy Havoc is a bad bastard, who would set yer maw on fire and put it out by throwing newborn kittens at her, but he’s still quite thin, and Damo is the very opposite of that. Unless Havoc runs roon in circles tae the big man gets dizzy and needs tae sit down, he’s fucked. That makes Damo sound like a lumbering big tube though eh? He most certainly isn’t that. Yer man done a fuckin Van-damo-nator ffs. A flying bear against a man who vow’s that when he tortures you “he’s gonna fuckin enjoy it” Never believed anything that’s came out of a wrestlers mouth more than I believed Jimmy Havoc saying that. Well apart fae Stone Cold saying “thats the bottom line, cause Stone Cold said so” cause more often than not, it wis the bottom line, and stone cold did say so. Aye. Jimmy Havoc to win. Somehow.
Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar
So fucking glad we’re getting this again. Even more glad it’s happening in front of the regular crowd, cause that was one thing about the London match. Fuckin stellar in every way, one of my favourite matches of the year, but so many folk ganting to see it missed out. So this gives the regulars a wee dose of this brilliance, and since they shook on best of 5, I widnae be surprised to see it crop up again soon. Maybe even as early as the next Garage show. I quite fancy Joe tae go 2-0 up, wae Noam making it 2-2 eventually, and the decider comes at Fear and Loathing, in a 90 minute falls count anywhere iron man match, that ends wae Joe hitting Noam wae the spinning lariat so hard, his heid wins up sittin in the dug oot at Celtic Park. Could probably get a fuckin game these days amiright? Buncha fuckin chancers getting a game these days. Fitbaw patter n that. This will be wonderful though, and I’m mainly just glad tae see them both on the show, cause as good as the past two shows have been, yer show isnae complete without two of the best wrestlers in the country. It just isnae.
Mark Coffey vs Sebastian Radclaw
Nae fuckin idea what to expect here since I’ve only seen Radclaw wrestle once. I do remember being impressed though, and he’s hugely entertaining, so it’s likely to be good. Partly cause I don’t think Mark Coffey does bad wrestling. Its not in his repertoire. Pumphandle slammin cunts and burstin yer sisters hymen? Aye. He’s got that locked down. It’s cracking how they’ve done this title reign though, cause ye feel like he’ll only drop it when he’s moving up tae the top end of the card, and that’s the purpose of having a secondary belt. To build future champions. In Mark Coffeys case, its done the job very well. True talent always rises in wrestling. I’m a big believer in that. If you’re good enough and driven enough, even if theres setbacks, you’ll go places. Mark Coffey is undoubtedly going places.
Darkside vs Kenny Williams
Where the fuck’s Darksides title shot? We know fine well Jester isnae deid. Get this man and his triangle choking gidness fighting for a shiny belt. See the thing about it is that there’s a few folk on the card who want tae leather Jester. Jimmy Havoc said he was coming for the belt in Edinburgh. Darkside has a title shot in the bag, and Renfrew can cash in whenever, so there’s a fair chance that Jester’s gonnae have a small army coming at him at some point. I dunno if Kenny Williams is on official Jester hauners duty or whit, but he might need some hauners himself considering guys fae his own squadron keep knocking fuck out of him and calling him shite. The Kennedy Administration has problems. Kenny Williams has the problem that James R Kennedy basically has his baws in a wee jar on his mantelpiece. So how does Kenny get his baws back? How does Kennt go from the bollocks, to the guy WAE the bollocks? Simple. Open yer eyes Kenny pal. Join the Kliq. Ye think James R Kennedy’s gonnae cancel yer contract when you’re aligned with guys who keep trying to kill folk? They might not have quite got the job done wae Wolfgang, but he’s a big bastard with a skull made of cast iron stuck together wae Irn Bru bars. James R Kennedy wid fuckin shatter intae a million tiny pieces as soon as they placed his heid in the chair. Join the Kliq, turn on the fans who hold you so dear, cause guess whit? We’ll still cheer ye anyway ya loveable cunt. So aye. I just realised I haven’t actually spoke about the match itself, so I should probably dae that eh? I think it’ll be really good and stuff. Wrestletastic. The end.
Sweeney vs Jackie Polo
It’s finally here! The match that’s been about 2 years in the making finally happening. Fuck knows how it’ll be as a match, I imagine it’ll resemble an organised game of chasies, wae Polo luring Sweeney intae the nearby Marks and Spencers and keeping him at bay by throwing overpriced yoghurts, and pretentious cheeses at him, only for him tae catch the cheeses and swally them in one gulp. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Sweeney since I started attending ICW shows, its dont fuck wae Sweeney. Ever. Cause unless you’re really big, he’s bigger than you. And unless you’ve been in the jail a long time, he’s served more jail time than you. And unless you’ve pumped a lot of…well, ye get the picture eh. Polo will likely get the win. Probably via countout after Sweeney batters him, and leaves without actually bothering to win the match, cause Sweeney couldnae give a fuck about winning wrestling matches. He had tae pin Coach Trip tae get a shot at Polo, but now he has that shot. Winning isnae important. Smashin skulls is.
Liam Thomson vs Kid Fite
Fito needs burd hauners here eh? I know he won the I Quit match, but that was on his turf, wae his people behind him. We’re in Edinburgh now, and Thomson will likely have Carmel in tow, ready tae shriek, and question Fito’s baw dipping motives, so he really needs some burd hauners. Kay Lee Ray’s the obvious choice, being Glesga to the core. Bete Noire could also do the job, cause she’s fae Glasgow too and more importantly, carries a big stick wae her and enjoys swinging it. Either way, looking forward to this. There’s a physicality about their matches that comes from being genuine mates who trust each other to take it to the extreme (I mean whit? they hate each hunners, legit, Thomson draws wee cartoons of Winnie The Pooh gettin eaten by wolves cause he kens its Fito’s favourite cartoon character…its a bitter rivalry….) without anyone ending up deid or badly maimed. I reckon if this one rounds off the feud, it’ll be the best match they’ve had. 50th show n that. I fancy Thomson to win it and get a bit of momentum back after a couple of losses. Or maybe Kid Fite will win. Those are the two options pal. Dunno whit else tae tell ye.
The NAK, Jack Jester, Irn-Jew….other shit
The NAK are coming for the tag belts eh? At least the tag belts. I cannae see this Fringe run ending with anything but NAK glory. Cause thats how it fuckin works. The bad guys win. This isnae a fairytale. There cannae always be Surprise Drew, or Wolfgang returns. Sometimes theres just bad guys knocking the fucking shite outta some good guys. Its the way of the world. Bad guys always win. Cept when they lose. That makes nae sense, but fuck you. Colt Cabana goes hame soon, and the chances of him getting a shiny belt lined wae swedgers, and marinated in Orange MD through customs are slim tae none. So get it drapped. One daft idea I had was Irn-Jew and Jester vs Renfrew, BT and Divers, wae all 3 belts on the line, but its elimination. So if Colt gets pinned off Renfrew, Renfrew becomes one half of the tag champs. If Grado pins Divers, Grado retains his belt, and suddenly we have Grado and Renfrew as tag champs. Would be interesting and also quite hard to follow, so I’d enjoy it for both those reasons, cause it would no doubt lead to a lot of folk going “here…whit the fuck’s happenin man” I have a sneaky feeling Jester might be dropping it here. Everyones assuming he’ll feud wae Drew for the belt, so an almighty swerve wae Renfrew cashing in at this show would be sorta poetic. I think we’ll see Joe Hendry as well. Perhaps on commentary, or down one of the wee alleys near the venue shaggin one of The Saturdays, cause when yer a global hero, popstars are gettin PUMPED.
Also, lets no see off this run of Fringe shows without Stevie Boy eh. A Bucky Boys appearance in general would be most welcome, but Stevie Boy needs to be wrasslin. Whatever happens, I reckon this show will tie together this run of fringe shows nicely, and set us up for a storming return to The Garage next week, that’ll no doubt end in a pool of blood, cheap wine, probably pish and smidgen of smegma. Aye.
Personal sidenote, if anyone has a spare ticket for Colt Cabana’s podcast recording tomorrow, give me a shout eh. Was planning on going, but its sold the fuck out. Cheeeers.