ICW – Ice To See You Review (50th Ever ICW Show)

jcffyndarSo this fringe run has been a fuckin blast. I’m no gonnae bore ye with a huge long drawn out intro, ye know the score. Want to read about the first three shows? Dae that here, here and here. Want to read about this yin? Look below. Jackie Polo was back on commentary, and back treading that fine line between garnering excellent heel heat and plainly being a bit of a wank by mocking Lionhearts wee video of him doing a few push ups. I dunno whit side of the fence yer on about Polos actions, and if ye think theres a line that shouldnt be crossed when it comes to gaining heel heat, but theres nae denying it was a stroke of bad bastardin genius. But anyway, ICWs 50th show, starting out with what would most likely be the best wrestling match on the card.

Noam Dar vs Joe Coffey

I sometimes rip the cunt out of the odd chant. That’s mainly for a laugh. Personally, as long as its no racist or anti Lubo Moravcik, I don’t gie a flying fuck what folk chant. However, when something like “there’s only two Liam Thomsons” crops up, and I get an insta-migraine trying to figure out what the fuck everycunts on about, I gie it a light hearted mention. I’m gonnae mention a chant in a less than light hearted way the noo (fuckin long intro in tae this eh? It’ll be worth it…maybe) and I understand why folk chant it, and that it isnae meant as a negative at all, but this “Noam is the future” patter. Naw. Just naw.

This match, and the performance level of the two guys in it is proof that this is their time. This isnae the morra’s school of main eventers. Noam Dar has been doing this since he was whit? 15? I’m talking he’s been booked on shows tae wrestle big scary adults fae he was that age, and he only gets better. Injury derailed him a bit, but over the past 6 months he’s got that mojo back. He looks like a guy who would wear a shiny belt and dae it justice. Noam Dar is not the fuckin future. Noam Dar is the present. Noam Dar is the guy. Make him the guy before he becomes a WWE guy. Make him the guy before he becomes a New Japan guy. Make him the guy before he becomes a reason tae actually watch TNA. Noam Dar is the present. As is Joe Coffey. Joe Coffey was born to lead. Joe Coffey for me, was born to dominate. Joe Coffey is the most complete wrestler in the country in my opinion and everything else continues to improve enough for him to be a legit candidate to be the guy. He isnae that special, has ye eating out of the palm of his hand way on the mic, but his stuff can be emphatic. As a heel he has a viciousness about him that gives ye the fear. As a face as he has a likeability that makes ye want to get behind him. It just works. What we seen in this match wasn’t the future. The same way Mark Coffey isnae the future either. These guys are dedicated to being the fucking very best they can be at this. There’s never any thought of giving up this dream. Why would ye when ye know that you’ve got everything it takes to be the guy? This is their calling. This is their past, present AND future. So keep chanting for Noam Dar, even keep chanting “Noam is the future” if ye want. Its all positive, but he isnae. Not anymore. Maybe when he was 18, but at 21, with the level of ability he has. Noam Dar is yer guy now. Joe Coffey is yer other guy. And folk like Mark Coffey, Joe Hendry and Kenny Williams are waiting in the wings to usurp them. I’m no saying the current top guys don’t deserve to be there btw, I’m saying this younger breed are ready to join the party. That’s all. In my opinion. If ye put a big shiny belt on any of them they’d carry it well. Its an embarrassment of riches to have, and thats why on occasion, a marquee match like Noam Dar vs Joe Coffey will find itself opening a show, when on 90% of indies across the UK, it would be closing it.

Joe Coffey came out like a man on a mission. Nae paint. Nae shiny futuristic pants. Nae Iron Man patter at all. All business. Noam on the other hand took time out of his day to winch my pal, and throw me his jacket. See when he chucked it at me, I assumed it was just a “here big yin, make sure naecunt steals that eh” but my pal convinced me he actually meant tae give it to me, and I foolishly gave it back. If it was meant as a gift, and me giving it back looked disrespectful, I’m heavy sorreh. Please feel free to launch other items at me in the future, cause I’m fuckin skint and will be Ebay-ing that shit for a tidy profit tae keep me in Kokoa noodles, Barrs Limeade and heroin for a while. In case yer wondering, it smelled lie Judaism and a shameful foreheid sweat obtained by eating un-kosher meats and lying tae yer Aunty Isla on the phone about it. Anyway…fuckin wrestling man. I’ve yattered on about a stack of other shite, when there’s a masterpiece of a wrestling match tae be telling ye about. For shame.

The tie-up tae start, that’s not important, but I like mentioning that. Cause it’s like…BOOM…thats when ye know its a match we’re talking about. Nae shite, tie it up. Lets have a grapple. A takedown and armbar from Joe Coffey, Noam Dar uses the ref to flip out of the armbar situation, cause he’s the cheekiest of aw the boaysies. A wee strength test followed that. We tried this in London anaw. That’s no gonnae end well for you Noam. Sometimes Joe eats Noams bodyweight in meat, as a filling between two bits of cast iron. He calls it “The Iron Jew” and that’s probably the best/worst joke I’ve ever made in these reviews depending on how ye perceive mild racism. Coffey floors Noam wae an armdrag. Noam follows up a scoop slam, with a reversal of Joes bearhug intae a pinning situation. Its aw working. Seamless. This is how wrestling is supposed to be. Inventive, cohesive and fucking FUN. Big clothesline fae Joe is ducked, and a kick to the dome is the retort. A dropkick followed by a kneebar attempt is blocked by Joe. Think he got tae the ropes quick if I mind right, but its hazy. Then we seen the debut of a new swing fae Joe. Seems to be a new one every match these days, this one i’m I mind right was in the sort of position you’d see when someones setting up to hit a double arm DDT. He spun him right round, baby right round, then slung him in the general direction of Tynecastle where a big wean eating Hearts fan devoured him in one gulp. Nah I jest. We had a beauty of a forearm exchange, before a hard whip tae the corner is followed by a splash. Noam responds wae more uppercutting goodness. I believe there was soe sexy dropkicks in there tae, before Joes spinning lariat attempt wae blocked, then Noam done something mildly unexpected and quite lovely. Folk are gaun German Suplex daft these days, and he couldnae quite bust out 16 of them, but he hit a lovely wee release German Suplex on a guy who must outweigh him by at least 3 or 4 stone. These things are all about technique but eh, and I’ll let ye in on a wee secret. Noam’s quite good that way. Wae the technique and aw that. He put oor Joe to the sword not long after with a gorgeous Fishermans Suplex.
A beautifully paced wrestling match between these two. The very best of gear. That makes it 1-1 in their best of 5 series, and considering the first match was a stoater, and this topped it, I cannae even wrap my tiny warped brain round how good the 5th yin’s gonnae be. A wrestling stauner ye could use as a halfpipe tae skateboard affae man. Wondrous stuff.

Then oor Noam took to the mic to inform us that he’s fuckin OUTTTTTTA here. His life is gonnae become just another hotel room on the road brother. He’s signed his contract and yer man’s done. Dunzo. It’s not the type of contract you think though, ya roastin bastard. Its a jobseekers allowance deal! Noam’s no gaun anywhere. Noam IS the future, but the future is fuckin now.

Darkside vs Kenny Williams

This was simply stoatin. Surprising to see Kenny Williams accompanied by his slave master right enough. Does James R Kennedy enjoy this? Keeping the bollocks on a leash, no letting him roam free like all the other bollocks. When all the local bollocks come tae his door and ask if he’s coming out tae play, Kennys maw puts a big smile on her face and warmly says “of course he can!” only for James R Kennedy tae kick her down the stairs screamin “this isnt your decision grandma! I own this little prick” Fuck that cunt. Darkside disnae appear to be on recruiting duty right enough. Clearly irked by the fact that the title shot he earned disnae seem to be forthcoming, he had one goal in mind. Wrap his arms and leg round some bollocks and choke them out (am I daein that joke too much aye? I feel like we’ve hit a wall wae it, lets let it lie for a bit) so aye…wrestling match n that. A cracker. The first half of this card was pretty fuckin breathtaking in that regard, and yer breath was taken immediately here by some serious elbow action fae Kenny. A wee springboard elbow anaw? Why of course. It isnae a Kenny Williams party without a slice of springboard elbow’in. A clothesline fae the middle rope as well had Darkside rockin, before Darkside blocked a huricanrana attempt and near decapitated Kenny wae a lariat. Then we had a….

Snapmare intae a knee to the back. 
Darkside showing Kenny was less bollocks.
More bawsack.

Wee impromptu 3 line poem for ye there, don’t say I’m no good to ye. Some chops, and a beauty of a vertial suplex fae Darkside had him well on top, but Kenny Williams is a fuckin fighter. Kenny Williams might take yer German Suplex. He might sell it well, but ye better believe he’s coming back at ye with the Tornado DDT. All day long san. A running knee from the baws anaw, as he looked for a career defining win. He’s built up this stellar reputation and correctly so, cause the cunt can go, but folk forget that Kenny is still building up experience and a win over a 2 time former ICW Champ, and handy veteran like Darkside could make him. Wisnae tae be for the bollocks though, as Darkside followed up a Northern Lights Suplex, with an innovative piece of brilliance as he spun Kenny around in the DDT position for a bit, before settling in nicely tae the Triangle Choke for the win. 

There was nae attempt to recruit our Kenny intae the NAK fold, which is a shame. He needs fuckin freedom so he does. If i see him haudin the ropes for James R Kennedy again, I’m gonnae lose my shit. Pulling the curtain back for him anaw, tae reveal all of the souls of the children who’s essence he’s stolen. Nae Joe Hendry for hauners either, so if yer asking for my unbiased opinion, Kenny should have rattled this tube in the baws man. Outstanding match though.

Liam Thomson vs Kid Fite

I suspected this would be a belter, and the best match of their feud so far, for once in my life I got suhin spot on, cause this was sublime. It had a 20 minute time limit (as did the other two matches in the first half of the show, but that didnae seem pertinent cause the time never ran out… ) and that left it open tae an ever so rare time limit draw, imagine that happened eh? A modern era time limit draw, and a feud based on well spirited bitterness and baw dippin, whits no tae love there? It actually went and fuckin happened anaw. Nae idea how tae write about a time limit draw and make it sound like a story. Will it just be a list of moves? Cause these two done a lot of shit in that 20 minute period but I don’t want tae be hitting ye with a list of moves and that’s that, having said that…here’s a list of moves……

Liam Thomson hits a running knee. He left Carmel at home for this yin because she came perilously close to getting the baw dipping Thomson ended up on the wrong end of last time, so safety first, then team work. Instead of utilising Carmel, he utilised a knee to the gut. A less attractive, but still effective weapon. Kid Fite hit an arm drag, Kid Fite hit an arm bar; apparently Kid Fite is a late 90s Chris Jericho promo. The man of 1000 holds, and only half of them involve his baws. Chop city, followed by the snap suplex as Fito took control. Already told yees it a time limit draw though. Is there any control when its a draw? Know what has plenty of control? Kid Fites snap suplex mate. Best in the business. Liam Thomson isnae a big fan of taking it though, and decided an appropriate report would be tae dropkick Fito clean oot the ring. A whip intae a pole later, and yer man was dazed, before a middle rope elbow from Thomson kept him in the ascendency. A suplex, followed by a legdrop, then a sexy wee snapmare followed by a dropkick. Stringing wrestling moves together mate, is there anything sweeter? I loved that this wisnae as dirty as the other two matches. Its almost like they decided tae stop being nasty cunts tae each other and just fuckin see who the better wrestler is, and the result wis nae result. Maybe thats why they were a stellar tag team, cause they’re equally good. The sum of their parts. Fuck knows. A missed Kid Fite clothesline was followed by a successful Liam Thomson clothesline. Everycunt’s slingin arms at each other in anger. Thomson went for a backcracker out of the corner, but it was blocked. Instead we saw that thing where Fito drops folk on the top turnbuckle wae a powerbomb type thing, know the one? Its sare lookin, but Thomson did his the corner backcracker at the second attempt. My love for that move, and how much it actually looks like it cracks backs is well known. Its a move that rarely get the job done definitively and it really fuckin should. Anyway aye….the match, who wis gonnae win this fast paced titanic battle! That was the big question. Edinburgh or Glesga. Sauce or vinegar. I was gonnae dae a wee list of other Embra v Glesga comparisons there, but the need for the whole thing is negated entirely by me telling ye it was a draw about half an hour ago, so I’ll keep listing wrestling moves n that.

A firemans carry slam from Fito got him back on top, before he pull his left baw out (just the left yin) drew a face on it, and pretended it was telling Liam tae “get the gums roon it!” but Liam wis not keen to comply. Liam dropped his auld tag partner on the middle rope instead and dropkicked him intae oblivion. Well maybe no quite oblivion but it looked quite sare. There was a beauty of a Northern Lights Suplex from Thomson anaw, before the two exchanged brutal forearms as the clock ticked down, and as the clock struck 0:00 the two warriors collided. Almost in baywatch opening credits style slow motion. Maybe that was deliberate eh. Maybe there’s hope for them after all. Maybe they will always be there for each other. Forever and always. It was a double crossbody though. A move that proved fatal for neither and led to the match being called a draw. Is there one more still in them? They seemed to trudge away from this battle almost respectful of each others efforts and ye’ve got tae admire that. I’d say theres still one more in them, but this feud lost a tiny bit of its bitterness wae this epic battle and I think that’s no the worst thing. Good for the souls of the two involved. Maybe they’ll be re-united one day, but for now Kid Fites got fans tae teabag and perfectly executed suplexes tae dish out, and Thomsons got a dastardly heel persona tae fine tune. Opposite ends of the wrasslin spectrum right there. And the first rule of fight club is never teabag the other member of fight club, so that rules been obliterated.

JUSTICE FOR DCT

DCT came out with a megaphone DEMANDING justice be served, and he was mercilessly beaten and dragged into the gutter, forced to drink his own urine and made to rub salt in his own eyes. Kenny Williams is a slave, and DCT is forced intae self torture for having the gall to demand justice. It isnae fucking fair. Why are aw the good guys getting raw deals? JUSTICE FOR DCT. 4 LIFE. 

Sweeney vs Jackie Polo

I wis kinda hoping they’d scrap the match itself here. No cause I wasn’t arsed about seeing it or anything, just had this vision of my heid of Polo agreeing tae a forfeit, that he could avoid the match if Sweeney was allowed one free hit at him wae a table tennis paddle, and I could sum up this part of the show wae a one liner. One liners are fuckin fun. Suhin like “Jackie Polo’s match? That’s a paddlin” tae keep in wae the Simpsons theme of this Fringe run, or simply “Sweeney skelps uhm” wasnt to be though, they had a match and it wisnae just a glorified game of chasies at all. It was competitive and and a rare bit of fun. Jabs and clotheslines fae Sweeney. Big yin’s a brawler, as you may have already suspected. They both went over the ropes, and thats when the real scrapping began. Sweeney diggin under the ring tae find a shovel wae Stanley blades up either side of it, proving to be the instrument that would be used to murder AND bury Polo.

I was a wee bit surprised with how they done this though, I suspected Polo would use his aptitude for sleekitness to sneak the win after Sweeney flung him about like wet washin, but it wasn’t entirely like that. Sweeney did indeed fling Polo about like an empty holldall for the most part, but every Polo rally was quelled. The beauty of the high arcing dropkick and the middle rope eblow drop seemed to have no effect. Nor did the striking. Nor did the evasive measures Polo took to avoid Sweeneys grasp. He seemed tae keep on finding him, and keep on laying him out. Eventually sealing a clean win with either the double arm chokeslam or a powerbomb, I cannae mind which tbh and its 4 in the fuckin morning, so asking somecunt is not an option. So I’m cheating and putting down two possibilities, if its neither of them and that’s something you have a problem with, well to be perfectly honest mate…fuck ye.

I don’t think Sweeney gives much of a fuck either, cause he got his hand raised and thats him 2-0 and in singles action in ICW. The Coach got tripped, and Polo got Jacked up (fuck me thats dire patter…I’m so so sorry, its late)
Seriously though, if yer gonnae build Sweeney up to be this intimidating bad bastard, and yer having a clean match, it makes all the sense in the world for him tae win strongly. Got a feeling he’ll be joining the Polo Promotions ranks at some point soon though, cause yer man’s a criminal mate. Mind that eh? He was in the jail n shit. Theres vignettes tae prove it, so it may serve Polo well tae draw up a big fat contract tae have ICWs chief dome destroyer become a paid employee of POLO PRA-MOW-SHINS. Either way, the professor of patter was put on his arse, and this seemed tae be the theme for the evening. It’s the 50th show. That means a party, where aw the baddies get their jaws scudded. That’s how wrestling folk celebrate 50th anniversaries. Then they go hame and chinlock the missus, and order the grandweans tae “ask her!” but the whole thing’s pointless cause she was already dead.

Dickie Divers vs Damo

Where the fuck is Jimmy ‘faaaaaaaackin ‘Avoc? I feel misled man. No gonnae lie tae ye. When I looked intae Jimmy Havocs eyes when he cut that promo on Jack Jester and decimated him wae a chair, I felt it. It was one of my favourite ever heel turns in all honesty, cause he made you a part of it. He drew everycunt within a 5 mile radius in and called them cunts, and he fuckin enjoyed that shit, so when he assured me he was coming to Edinburgh, killing everything in his path, shoving a smarties tube filled wae killer bees and itching powder up Jesters arse, and going home wae that shiny ICW Title on the end of a trident, I believed. And the cunt just wisnae there. Nae James of Havoc. Nae intriguing battle between him and Damo. Just Dickie Divers breaking my fucking heart…again.

I’m Damo daft, but I yearn for a Dickie Divers singles win. I think we all do in a way. As much as he is the most easy to hate heel in the fuckin….world probably, the ICW crowd disnae react to heels the same way as most companies dae. We’re all fuckin broken, so we look at a cunt like Divers and think “I could fix him”. I’d take him oot tae play fives, and no rip the pish when he mistimes his slideys and ends up crashing baws first intae the goalpost. We aw think we could un-Divers him. Make him less of a Divers, more of an upstanding citizen who sells the shit outta the Canadian Destroyer. I jest though, I dae like Divers so if anyone had to replace Jimmy Havoc in taking a doing aff the big bearded one, I’m glad it was him. He started things off by stomping Damo out, before Damo realised he was a great amount bigger than our Divers and nearly decapitated him wae the Brogue. There was a dive, and Dickie attempting tae choke Damo out, but ye cannae choke out a bear. Ye need something more substantial than a piece of fabric, or even yer bare hands anyway. Maybe chuck an anaconda roon his neck, or Dickie could use his ain prolapsed arsehole to choke the big bastard when it inevitable falls oot when big Damos lining up for that Senton against the barrier (The Belfast Blitz I believe its called) I cannae mind where, but I’m fairly certain that’s the second time I’ve used Dickie Divers and a prolapsed arsehole in the same sentence, and that makes me both greatly amused and worried. It was Damo who was greatly amused, when he floored Divers wae a lariat, before doing that chest stand/senton combination, that had Divers worried for the welfare of his ribs.

Rolling Senton followed that for a 2 count, but Divers was making a right fist of this. Inziguri, followed by a wee slice of dropkick action had him looking fuckin strong son. Surely it couldnae happen? 50th show was bound tae have an upset or two eh? A Dickie Divers singles win shaped upset? Well…naw. After fighting out of the Ulster Plantation once, Damos perseverance won out in the end as the big man hit it on the second attempt go seal Divers fate and become the number one contender for the title.

Just him and the other 15 guys eh. How many cunts are actually number one contending for this belt now. Jester’s actually interviewing them the noo, and unless they can type 60 words a minute, and know sign language they cannae get a shot. I had a wee daydream about Damo winning the Square Go next year, but he disnae dae the whole surprise cash in thing cause he’s a real fuckin man. He challenges the champion to a proper match. One on one wae the hairy one. Fuck knows why I’m sharing this here like, just seems like something Damo would dae. Then he’d make his own belt out of sheepskin, lined wae elephant tusks and a owls heid in the middle, because real men don’t fuck wae shiny shit.

Mark Coffey vs Sebastian Radclaw (ICW Zero-G Title Match)

Its a credit to yer man Radclaw that this was so competitive. A mark of respect for his talent, cause ye could easily have made this a squasher and naecunt would have batted any eyelid. Mark Coffey’s been built to a point that it would have made plenty of sense, so fair fuckin play. There was a few moments ye thought Radclaw might actually take it. When he got going with all the monkey flipping, dropkicking and high flying duckin n diving, but this is where Mark Coffey’s centre of gravity comes in handy. Think about it, he’s taken aff his feet every now and then right, but dae ye ever feel like Mark Coffey’s in a daze? Always in control. The only pro wrestler on the ICW roster who had got the better of Mark Coffey over the past year is now on the WWE roster, and even then, second time round Coffey came out on top (in a match involving Noam Dar tae) I like tae weave humour intae these reviews, cause its a fun, neat time between pals, but tae me theres nae joke about Mark Coffeys prospects of becoming the guy. I put him in the same bracket as Joe and Noam. The ones waiting in the wings. Stripes have been fuckin earned. Jaws have been tapped. Pumps have been handled. Mark Coffey gets his shot on Sunday. Mark Coffey is finally given the definitive chance tae prove he is indeed the REEEEEEAL ICW Champion, and giving him that chance is giving yersell a wee glance as to what the future can hold.

First he had to hold on to his current shiny belt though, and he done that with some emphasis. A barrage of forearms, chops and jabs. Radclaw rallying with a dropkick and a succession of flying clotheslines, but the rallies never lasted long. I loved how resilient Radclaw looked right enough, cause I dae have a wee soft spot for him. He’s got a charm about him, and he’s a good fucking wrestler. Would be a perfect addition tae the Zero-G ranks for an era where there’s nae Mark Coffeys bossing it, but right now, in terms of folk who might have a go at getting that belt, naecunt’s taking it aff Mark Coffey. Kenny Williams on his best day could have a right good go at it, but naecunt else. These young pups needs tae remember who the midcard Da is. All the somersaulting, bamboozling shit Radclaw could come up with couldnae stop the bringing back suplex, followed by the Pumphandle Slam putting him tae the sword.

Entertaining as fuck though. Theres something weirdly endearing about Radclaws wee gimmick tae me, like…if anycunt other cunt done it, you’d have him down as somedy who jumps about folks back gardens sniffing knickers and asking birds tae shite on him (actually flying birds like, not human females…although probably them as well) but he makes it work. Him the Scat Monkey, Uncle Eggbert, and the rest of the carry on. Its a rerr laugh, but having a rerr laugh isnae what ye need to topple Mark Coffey. On he marches. Shot at the big belt in his back pocket. REEEEEEEEAL.

Irn-Jew vs The Bucky People (Stevie Boy and Kay Lee Ray) vs The NAK (Chris Renfrew and BT Gunn) (ICW Tag Title Match)

“Ye hink they’ll drap thum?”
“Aye mate…huv tae…Colts gaun hame int he”
“Aye mate, yer right enough”
“Aye”
“Gid talk”

The above is an example of the kind of conversation held throughout Scotland on Saturday afternoon/early evening/proper evening/early hours of Sunday, as apprehension gripped the nation. The talk of the fuckin town. Would Irn-Jew drop the straps? It would make sense, cause Colt Cabana disnae really do overseas touring for the grappling action. He comes here for the Fringe. Cunt’s pretty much fully booked back home, so its no like he’ll be popping up in Glasgow for The Garage shows, or showing up tae referee Lou King Sharps debut match at Spacebaws. Colts away hame. Him and Grado have some patter for us after making their (hopefully not, but at least for now) final entrance together as a duo. They were here tae drop them. I think we all knew. The tag belts need active champions. It was fun while it lasted. The Polo Promotions match was one of my favourites of the fringe shows generally, but c’mon troops. Its time.

There was some ambiguity as to who they’d be dropping them too right enough, as both The NAK and The Bucky People were due rematches as they both very recently dropped the straps, so they both got them. Grado and Colt decided it as time to leave foolishness aside and get tae business. Shamelessly stealing this factoid fae Facebook, but Kay Lee Rays presence in the main event was a wee bit groundbreaking. First time a female has main evented an ICW show. Fair play tae ye Kay Lee hen. Could it be backed up by her becoming the first female to officially hold one of the male belts? Time would fuckin tell there. The NAK slid out early, and shit got frantic. As with every tag match in ICW that has more than two teams, the action gets frenetic. A double inziguri from the Bucky People, was followed by the first round of BT Gunn chops on Stevie. Chopped the poor cunt so hard, the top layer of his skin came aff in BTs hand, and he gently placed it in a wee glass case for his collection. A bit like Goldmember saving his ain deid skin, except this was BT saving the skin of others that he was responsible for killing. Stevie delivered a superkick, followed by BT missing wae his attempt and cleaning out Renfrew. A lowblow fae Renfrew was followed by that decapitator of a lariat he does, before we got tae some serious chinlocking fae Renfrew. This is my favourite new heel thing fae him man, whenever the crowd re getting raucous in the NAKs favour, stick a chinlock on a deliberately pull the heat out the room. Some heels deliberately simplify their moveset tae discourage folk from popping for them, but Renfrew goes another way. He does high impact shit, and immediately follows it wae a Randy Orton impression as his way of saying “fuuuck yeeeeeees!”

There was yon spot where everyone suplexes each other in the corner btw, knew i fuckin missed something big. Colt was the wan who was the chief suplexer, having been the only one to come out of the situation unsuplexed.

Colt and Grado get in on the action wae some chopping, and shake rattle n rolling, only for Kay Lee Ray tae kick them both. Thats one advantage Kay Lee had against them, cause they’re just too nice tae be hittin a wuman. The NAK don’t gie a fuck. They cunt’s literally knocked fuck out the whole womens roster one time just cause they fuckin could. A springboard forearm tae the mush from Kay Lee, was followed by Grado busting out a drop-toehold. Sometimes when I take a note of a move and I cannae actually remember it, I leave it out, but even though I don’t actually remember him daein that, I’m keeping that where it is, cause the thought of Grado executing a perfect drop-toehold, and getting so excited about it he runs err and High 5s Colt gives me great joy. Fuck man, I’m gonnae miss Irn-Jew. The whole thing is just joyful. I don’t feel conflicted cause I’m NAK daft either, cause it’s two entirely different things. Like apples and oranges. Or fruit pastilels and fruit gums. Or diet coke and coke. Or yes and no. Or Simon and Garfunkel. Or Fran and Anna. Or…fuck, I’ve totally forgot the point in this man. Wrestling I spose eh. Lets say more stuff about the wrestling.

Grado delivered some more chops, cause he’s a choppy bastard serrr, then Kay Lee busted out a dropkick.bulldog combination, cause she’s talented like that. Colt hit some forearms. BT hit some superkicks. Everything was happening, fast as fuck. Too fuckin fast. I cannae breathe. BT laid Grado out wae a suplex anaw. Everyone was kicking everyone elses cunt in. Nae alliances. Just 3 teams, looking to take home two belts. Apart fae Irn-Jew were obviously dropping them, but they had tae APPEAR like they had a shot at holding on tae them eh?
Grado and Colt were in the ascendency and actually looked like they were closing in on retaining, a shake rattle and roll and bionic elbow cleaned Kay Lee Ray and Stevie out the picture out, before they went for that GTS (renamed the “Get Tae Yer Bed” for hilarity purposes) Wee Boot combo, only for BT tae hold Grados legs, and Renfrew tae reverse the GTYB intae a rollup for the 1,2,3. The NAK are your 3 TIIIIIIME ICW….TAAAAAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOORLD.

PAAAAARTEH

The bad guys always have the last laugh mate. Even if they don’t. I mean here they didnae. Most certainly not. The bad guys got their dicks kicked and their baws gnawed. They got fucked up. But in the end….eventually, they win. Dallas proudly stated that he was taking ICW back. Putting the power back in the company’s hauns, and the NAK can fuckin like or or kill everyone, but when it was all said and done, after everyone had partied and slung beer in each others gubs etc, who walked away wae yer tag belts? The Kliq. BT Gunn even had time to give his belt a wee doing, before Dallas made some announcements with Wolfgang, Jester and every face in the locker room (and Liam Thomson…although spose it made sense cause he has beef wae the NAK) He was sick of these New Age Dicks running amok in his company so next week it was gonnae be Darkside taking on Drew, with the number one contendership Darkside won during the first week of the fringe run on the line. It was gonnae be BT Gunn vs Wolfgang in a fuckin DOG COLLAR MATCH, and in a match that I reckoned would happen ages ago, but makes all the sense in the world anyway after the way the Square Go ended. Renfrew vs Grado wae the briefcase on the line. The goodies then fuckin charged, and it was about 15 on 3 so everycunt got their jaw tapped. BT taking a Swanton off Wolfie, Renfrew getting cracked in the napper with Jesters belt. Lionheart delivering a rock bottom to Renfrew anaw. Divers got loaded in tae  cannon and shot towards the general direction of the sun, and fuck all happened tae Darkside cause he wisnae there.

Wrestling is a living breathing work of fiction, and when they swerve ye it can be brilliant, but for me, taking that briefcase aff Renfrew would be a sare yin. A travesty. Cause aside fae the bad bastardin heel persona, Chris Renfrew embodies what ICW is. I speak as a guy who regarded him as my least favourite in the company up until about a year ago, but there is absolutely nae fuckin denying not only has he completely nailed this NAK heel run, but he’s also got fitter and expanded his moveset hunners, making for consistently good quality matches involving him, but he also does hunners to promote ICW and keep things fresh and relevant. Tae me derailing that momentum he’s gained since the Square Go and sucking all the heat out of his current run would be daft. He deserves the cash in. He deserves the belt. He deserves tae run about embedding it intae folks skulls. Grado winning it would lead tae an almighty pop. Probably bigger than the one that he got when everycunt thought he won the Square Go, and tae me that’s why Renfrew winning tae deny him that pop AGAIN makes more sense. We’re building the worst fuckin heel in the world right now are we not, so is there any better way build a heel than by having him continually knock down the most over goodie in the history of….anything probably? Nah. Keep it on Renfrew man. Grado will have his day and it’ll be monumental when he does. A pop that could shatter the earth at its very core, but that day disnae need tae be next week.

Colt Cabana gied it a wee speech at the end anaw, Dallas and Stone Cold Bobby settled their differences and everyone partied and chucked beer on each other, it was a laugh riot, take a look yersell.

Overall, a belter of a show. Front loaded a wee bit in terms of quality wrestling matches, but that was probably tae make the main event and subsequent swally session/NAK baw toeing feel more significant. Gonnae write a wee thing about the Fringe run overall, so wont bore yees wae hunners of patter about it here, but aye. It was a rousing success, and if they dae it again next year, I’ll be there wae bells and fuckin whistles on ma man. Congratulations to ICW on their 50th show, and last but not least…..

NAK 4 Life. 😉

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