6 weeks. 6 shows. I’m deid mate. Are you deid? I think we’re all deid. Even if you’ve not been at every show, its draining. Too much good shit. Too many beers. Too much emotional trauma. Too much everything man. I can’t even fuckin wrap my head round it at all. The Garage is like the welcoming cleavage of a ride of days gone by though. You get the feeling ICW are close to outgrowing The Garage as a regular Glesga haunt, with the ABC shows selling out and The Barrowlands being run soon enough, but The Garage is home. The Garage is probably the only ICW venue I’d feel comfortable whiteying in. Because its home. It’s where I fell in love with wrestling again. It’s where I saw a flying Stevie Boy jump off the balcony at my first show. It’s where I saw Damo run a cheese grater over Jimmy Havocs dome at the same time as that, and naecunt batted an eyelid cause they were too busy watching Stevie fly. That was the place I first saw Fergal Devitt. It was the place where I felt each and every person in the crowd be drawn into the storytelling masterpiece Mikey Whiplash vs Grado for the belt. So it’s fitting that it’s the place that this 6 show run ends. The place where I first met some of my best pals. The place where I first met some cunts I don’t much care for. A breeding ground for wrestling dweebs (I mean that as a term of endearment before anycunt gets butthurt) and I fuckin love it.
Oh aye. Drew’s back btw. He’s back for a grapple tae, and that can only mean good things. The rest of the announced card so far is of great significance and that’s also neat. It should be a neat time. We are all neat guys. I’ve nae idea whit I’m even on about anymore man. So ye know somethin? Wrestling.
Liam Thomson and Carmel vs The Bucky People (Stevie Boy and Kay Lee Ray)
Liam Thomson has a lot of irons on a lot of fires right now. Must be hard for him to keep track of all the jaws he’s actively tapping. On one hand ye’ve got the feud with Fito, which you’d have to assume is still tae reach its conclusion since they battled out a stoater of a draw last week. Then on the other hand you’ve got a wee bit of a barney wae the NAK over their insistence that Carmel is a dirty, and Liam Thomson’s affiliation with her made him pass up an opportunity of a lifetime to join the Kliq, and on the third hand (thats yer internal hand, the one that lives in yer stomach, and pushes yer arsehole clean out with fear whenever Tommy End is in the vicinity) he has this on the go. Him and Carmel against The Bucky People. Both matches so far have been predictably brilliant, and its an excuse to get these 4 in a ring together regularly, so why the fuck not eh? Gonnae be weird to see Carmel and Kay Lee being bestos at FFs earlier in the same day right enough, then at another venue they’re knocking the living fuck out of each other, but that’s wrestling man. Adaptability and all that shit. This will be excellent. Of course it will. I fancy Liam Thomson and Carmel to edge it though, and I’ve nothing at all to back that up with mate. That’s just a blind prediction. I really don’t know. If I see somecunt get Backcrackered out of the corner I’ll be happy anyway. Backcrackers out of the corner are the best Backcrackers.
BT Gunn vs Wolfgang (Dog Collar Match)
With great violence, comes great big collars. With Wolfgang and BT Gunn, comes a probable bloodbath. I’m scared guys. No gonnae lie. Wolfgang survived having his brain mashed intae a steel chair, and appears to be an upright functional human again, but something like that cannae happen and you come out of it completely unscathed. It just can’t. Even if it’s just mashed to the point where you’re no longer unable to unjumble the letters in the Countdown Conundrum, it’s still had a profound effect on ye. I’d imagine Wolfgang feels some sort of way about that, so he’ll likely be making a point of knocking fuck out of BT Gunn here. I’ll no lie tae ye, I expect this to be the violent precursor to a titanic conclusion between these two laden with storytelling. The only match I can see clear in my heid at The Barrowlands is these two absolutely tearing the fucking house down. If this is the last of it, I’m sure it’ll be fucking great, but I dunno man. There’s something a bit memorable left in this feud. Something a bit special. Two cousins leathering each other in an iconic venue, making their granny pick a side. Its a true test of family values int it. What do you value more, blood…or your career? Are you willing to throw someone you once saw as a brother intae a buzzsaw for the sake of a cause? Only time will tell. Wolfgang could just negate all this patter and join the NAK of course, but I don’t see that happening. Cannae see this having a proper outright winner anaw, the true winners will be advocates of violence, and whitever dug is getting tae roam about without a collar since BT and Wolfie are a bit busy wae it.
Chris Renfrew vs Grado (Chris Renfrews Square Go contract on the line)
See if this was booked for the show after the Square Go, my tune would have been far different. “Fuckin good….justice needs served, Roll and Slice, Wee Boot, F5…aw that stuff, Wee Boot his fuckin baldy heid clean aff Grado…fuckin NAK, buncha dirty cheatin scumbag BASTARDS…LIFE IS A MYSTERRRRY EVERYONE MUST STAND ALOOONE” Now? I wouldn’t say the exact opposite, but it still worries me that Renfrew might drop the briefcase, because he’s been captivating since he got it and the NAK are a tremendous unit of heels. For me has more than earned the chance to cash that fucker in and roam about Glesga jumping on buses for free, and cracking the belt over any stupid jobsworth bus driver disputing his claim that “The Champ rides for free fucker” so aye, as rid hoat as I anticipate this match being in terms of crowd reaction, and as much of a Grado fan as I still am, it has to be Renfrew. Just has tae be man. He technically holds the contract until his match though eh? So if Jester and Mark Coffey is on early, maybe he can cash in and negate the need for the match entirely? I would pop fuckin hard for that. Either way, I’m worried mate. Persona aside, Renfrew is ICW and he deserves the cash in, plus the thought of the NAK with the majority of the belts gies me a wee semi tbh. Heel stables wae belts always have an air of unstoppability (I know thats not word, but neithers half the shit I put in these things, so kindly fuck up) about them, so when someone eventually does topple them, it means so much more than it previously would have. Maybe that guy’s gonnae be Grado himself eh? But for me, this isnae the time. The bad guys win.
Lionheart…this is your life – Part Two
No sure if this is definitely happening, but if it does, I reckon it’ll go far differently from the first one. I reckon Lionheart will actually sit down with Polo, and it’ll be a promo off, with Polo getting the verbal upper hand, before Hearto’s aw like “mate….wantae soosh…RACK BADDUM” Rock Bottom’s him through the earths core. Or Polo jams the Polo stick up his arse till Hearto starts whistling Dixie (see the joke here is, its like…Dixie Carter, and he’s whistling for hauners cause he heavy loves her….I didnae say it was a GOOD joke, fuckin hell) but aye. I hope tae fuck it doesn’t go down the half hour segment route again, cause I honestly think I’d spew. I understand why it happened last time, but it’s served its purpose. Make this yin ACTION PACKED like Speed 2, or yer Auntie Mary runnin for a bus wae nae bra oan.
Drew Galloway vs Darkside (Winner faces the ICW Champion at Fear and Loathing)
So this’ll be a bit fucking good eh? Ignoring the fact that Darkside already fuckin earned a title shot, and the fact that he has to earn it all over again is a travesty…this is two ICW originals, and I believe the first two ICW Champions, going one on one. Will there be any underlying bitterness fae Darkside cause Drew had a shot at the big time and he hasn’t? Who gives a fuck man. Why discuss such trivial matters when we could think about how much of a stoating match this is gonnae be. It kinda hits home what sets Drew apart from the rest when ye see him stand in that ring, and dwarf big burly cunts like Jester and Renfrew though, cause in the land of deep fried Mars bars, and making your children start smoking at age 10 to deliberately stunt their growth so ye never need to buy them new school clothes…Drew Galloway is a genetic freak. 6 foot 70, 18 odd stone of pure muscle. If you saw him stoatin about Glasgow without knowing who he was, you’d assume Bono was in for a gig, and he’s gave his bodyguard a wee hour off tae roam the streets scaring the shite out of pensioners and making burds ovaries explode. Drew’s gonnae win though eh? Makes nae sense if he disnae, unless Jester drops the belt…which leads us to….
Jack Jester vs Mark Coffey (ICW Title Match)
I’m no gonnae lie tae ye guys, I have nothing else to say about this. Apart fae yes. Mark Coffey going for the big belt, even if his chances of winning it are probably slim, makes all the sense in the fucking world. It shows a great deal of belief in Coffey tae, and that’s positive in its own right. Having him in there against a long reigning champion and giving him that exposure? Fuckin…..buzzin for this man. For me, a few of Jesters defences have been a bit hollow. Dickie Divers, DCT and Martin Stone were never taking that belt. As good as Martin Stone is, him winning it in his ICW debut would have made nae sense whatsoever. In a way, the Devitt matches were the same, as good as they were as individual matches, Devitt wisnae regular enough to be considered a real candidate to take the big belt. Mark Coffey is. Mark Coffey is a real contender. Mark Coffey’s been cutting about calling himself the REEEEEAL ICW Champion ffs. That’s not for fuck all. Thats a considered attempt for him to project himself as the guy, and in a lot of ways it’s worked. It keeps it fresh in everyone’s mind that he pinned the ICW Champion a year ago, and was the only person to do so when he held both titles. Mark Coffey has the opening to make himself a proper contender. If he took it, I think I’d pop so hard, my eyeballs wid literally burst oot my skull, but I doubt that he will. No yet, but he’ll prove to everyone exactly why he’ll have that shiny belt one day, and quite possibly a few others. Even if he gets beat clean as a whistle, I don’t imagine the REEEEEAL ICW Champion patter stopping, just mark it down as a fluke and keep the party going. REEEEALness.
Potential other shit
I fancy a wee impromptu Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar match, wae Joe cutting a dissatisfied promo about how last week went down, and Noam coming oot lit that “you just calm it Joe son” and they have a right good barney. Failing that, they team up, become “Joeam Darffey” and take on/eviscerate The London Riots. Sha Samuels tweeted something about showing up anaw, and that gives me aw the fear, cause that man shouted at me and I’m still no fuckin over it awrite! Not by a long shot. If he is there, and has himself a match, I reckon it’ll be him vs Kenny Williams. Don’t ask me why man. I have no idea. Just a hunch. Kenny needs tae be involved somewhere anyway, as does Joe Hendry. Divers anaw. Get them aw intae a battle royal, and the winner gets a slightly creepy but loving headlock aff Drew. Or like…a title shot of some kind. I think I’d prefer the heidlock tbh.
UPDATE – 2 NEW MATCHES N THAT
Keeping the “potential other shit” bit in as it is, cause I accurately predicted Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar, and I’m proud of that even though it was fairly logical. The other match is intriguing right enough. Didnae see this one coming. So without further ado, here they are…
Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar
Wondrous stuff. My favourite kind of announcement is Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar announcements. These are the boays. The next in line. Watch the throne, cause they’re fuckin coming for it. If Mark Coffey took the strap, and the winner of the best of 5 series between these two was his first opponent for it, I’d start believing the world was good and pure again. For the first time probably. Cause the world is quite shite in all honesty. A world where I get tae see Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar two weeks in a row however, is not shite. Not shite at all. Joe tae move 2-1 in front. Noam tae make it 2-2 in England somewhere, then we get a wee game of “next goals the winner” at the Barrowlands. Tooooo sweeeeeet.
Damo vs Kid Fite vs Kenny Williams vs Joe Hendry (Number one contenders match for the Zero-G Title)
Lovely. I dunno why I’m so intae this eclectic blend of bodies, cause I’m no big on fatal four way matches. I’m sure I gied it that exact patter before the one at The Fringe, but theres something about the combustible elements in this that makes my hert sing, and my troosers twinge. Damo in a Zero-G affiliated match for starters. Whilst I realise he’s not yer average 22 stone man. He’s still 22 stone. So him being a contender for a “Zero Gravity” belt tickles me hunners. The fact that he’s in there with two least compatible stablemates of in the history of wrasslin amuses me hunners anaw. Especially considering that iconic VanDamoNator that Joe Hendry took at Shugs was aided by Kenny. So that whole angle is gonnae be a laugh riot. Also, dont forget the fact that Kid Fite and Damo had a wee battle of their own not long ago, in which Fito insinuated that Damo didnae gain her extra girth through deadlifting weights, more to do wae deadlifting jars of curry sauce intae his gub, so essentially Damo kinda wants tae smash everyone. Which is nae different from the norm, but aye. I fancy Kenny to win, cause theres still a lot of life left in this Kenny vs Mark Coffey situation. At least one more brilliant match I reckon. They do stellar work together. Keep that train a-runnin.
So aye. Its Glesga. Its sold out. Its wrestling. Be there, or be somewhere else. Fierce Females are running a show in the afternoon tae. So get along to that. Support Scottish Wrestling. Help it grow, and maybe one day I’ll get paid for this shit 😉