Really fucking shite at titles man, that sounds so sooky. I might change it. Probably wont, but I might.
Anyway, a wee thought popped into my heid the other day about yer Polo Promotions team. I’m no talking about Denise, or affiliates such as Coach Trip (a damn shame what happened to him the other week, cunt’s still in the hospital with three punctured lungs and broken tailbone) and Sha Samuels. I’m talking the core guys. The REEEEEEAL ICW Champion Mark Coffey, and Scotlands FINNNNEEEEST PERFORMER (that’s how he says it eh?) Jackie Polo. I realise Jackie Polo invites the Mr Perfect comparisons with the similar singlet, attitude and moveset, but for me, there’s a degree of comic timing and almost cartoony patter that separates him from Perfect. Perfect was a charismatic guy, who could make ye laugh, but for the most part he was all business. He was a guy to be feared. So that “yer just a shite Mr Perfect” patter is a slight on both if ye ask me. I know its difficult to offend deid guys, but it trivializes what Perfect was all about and makes Polo seem like fuck all but a copycat artist, when in reality he’s carved out one of the most original and engaging wrestling characters in the modern era. How many people fucking live it like he does man? Seriously, take an hour or two out of yer day to look up the social media profiles of 100 wrestlers. WWE guys, NJPW guys, Indie guys…look at them all, how many of them post exclusively in character? How many of them dodge after parties, and road beers with their road peers to keep the character strong? How many of them poke fun at a legend breaking his neck to turn heel heat, intae a heel inferno? Nae cunt. Some people have a problem with how Polo has acted in the wake of Lionheart’s neck injury, and thats fine. Some folk are of a sensitive disposition, and by that I mean, some folk are greetin faced wee babies. At the end of the day, I’m sure that even if he finds it unsavoury, Lionheart understands wrestling, and without that patter being so severe and galling from Polo, the angle loses its heat entirely. Hearto comes back, the match happens, but everycunts forgot why they hate each other in the first place and its midcard fodder. As it stands now, if and when Polo and Hearto face each other, its gonnae be red hot. Could easily main event whatever show it’s on, and whether folk like it or not, that’s Jackie Polo’s doing. If Lionheart has a genuine personal issue with the way Polo conducted himself, he’ll have the chance to knock the living fuck out of him in an organized wrestling match soon enough. As much as wrestling is a performance, and the goal is to not hurt your opponent, I’ve nae doubt theres a wee bit of extra “believability” about the punches and kicks that ye deliver in a match against someone you properly don’t like, so I fully expect to see one or two teeth being lost when these two eventually face off, and that a testament to the heat Polo has built.
Look at that fucking god forsaken “This Is Your Life” segment, do you honestly think that wasn’t intended to bore the tits off an already knackered crowd? Jackie Polo is nae idiot. Jackie Polo knows that for this angle to work to his maximum potential, that he needs the hate. He needs at least three quarters of that crowd baying for his blood, otherwise what’s the fucking point? It’s nice that he had the crowd behind him for a while, but it made no sense in a wrestling context, cause Lionheart had done fuck all wrong. Lionheart was just an innocent bystander to Polo’s character finally clicking with a lot of folk, and they cheered Jackie and booed him cause they seen it as old school vs new school. A changing of the guard, but in terms of the specific actions of both men involved, there was nae reason whatsoever for anyone to back Polo over Hearto. If this was the early-mid 90s before anyone considered themselves wise to this shit. Jackie Polo would be booed out of every building he entered, and years later we would all talk about how he was a master at his craft, but right there and then he had the crowd with him. Now he has them against him again for the most part because he made it so, and the angle makes more sense in a traditional way, off on a bit of a tangent, so back to original point eh, this Mr Perfect business.
When you think about it, even though he’s a hugely talented in-ring performer, he’s more of the Bobby Heenan of the Polo Promotions family. Bobby Heenan was perhaps the best heel in the business back in the day, and he achieved this purely by being a fucking total pain in the dick. In the best way possible. He was an antagonistic, engaging wee shite, who was equally good on commentary as he was cutting a promo about how ugly everyone in the state of Mississippi is. Heenan was a mercurial genius and a master of garnering heat, and Polo falls under the same bracket for me. So if Polo is more of the Heenan of the group, who’s his Mr Perfect? Who’s the towel chuckin, swagger having, midcard don who everyone expects to seamlessly make the step up to the very top? When this guy steps through the curtain with that belt round his waist, and a look that says “lets get this fuckin over with” you take that shit seriously. When this guy stands face to face with guys like Solar, and Sebastian Radclaw you think to yourself “this cunt does not stand a fucking chance”…instant underdogs, because this guy makes you believe he’s the one. This guy is Mark Coffey, and he’s the REEEEEAL ICW Champion. As a team they work remarkably well together, but I believe thats more down to a real life friendship manifesting itself into a wrestling alliance. They were arguably more engaging and hilarious (I say arguably, but I’m no looking for your opinion, this is Snapmare Necks, not Listentomare OpinionsIdontcareabout) than Irn-Jew during their shot at the tag titles a couple of weeks ago, because it was effortless wae them, There wisnae any catchphrase shouting, and jovial hi-jinks, it was just two pals being hilarious together, and working a great match. The kind of thing you’d expect from Heenan and Perfect if Heenan could wrestle.
So if anyone from the Polo Promotions camp is Mr Perfect-esque, its Mark Coffey. Mark Coffey has carried that Zero-G belt like a secondary belt should be carried. As a warm up for one day having the big one round his waist. Its genuinely the first time a secondary belt has served its exact purpose in wrestling in a long fucking time. Too long. WWE in particular have watered down the importance of their secondary belts so much, you could put it on Curtis Axels (Perfects boay ye see…tying this aw together, cause writing mate…writing needs cohesion) personal chef and nae cunt would bat an eyelid. The TNA X-Division belt changes hands fortnightly anaw, so for ICW to commit to a long term booking strategy with its secondary belt, and to use it to get someone like Mark Coffey reaching for the top of the card says a lot. Maybe that wasn’t the intention at all, and Mark Coffey has made it happen with his performances alone, but its absolutely undeniable. Mark Coffey has made that belt his own, and even the Devitt shaped blip in the middle of his reign only strengthened his claim for big belts in the future. One of the best wrestlers in the world blindsided him and took his belt, so Coffey reflected, worked out how to topple him, and at the second bite of the cherry he took the strap back. In a match also involving one of the best wrestlers in the UK in Noam Dar, Mark Coffey came out on top, and he’s not missed a step since.
I’m no big on littering these things with photos and videos, but a wee side by side comparison wont hurt eh.
Look at the similarities. In facial expression and the way they carry those belts. You always got the impression it would take someone special to take the Intercontinental Title off Mr Perfect, and when they did, he would move up to the big leagues. That didnae quite happen for him, cause Vince is a dick, but you imagine when Mark Coffey eventually drops the Zero-G, it’ll be to someone who can make the division his own (Kenny Williams, I’m lookin at you kiddo) and Mark Coffey will move on up. Could even be as soon as next week when he gets the chance to prove he’s the REEEEAL ICW Champion with Jack Jester putting the big belt on the line against Coffey, but you suspect even if it doesn’t happen for him next week, its only a matter of time before Mark Coffey gets his shot. And he’ll have got there through hard work, dedication to improving, and keeping his wrestling principles in tact. Exact same as Mr Perfect in the sense that he’s never needed eye catching spots, or death defying stunts to get anyones attention. He’s done it by standing in the middle of that ring and doing what he does. With an air of perfection. As long as he’s aligned with Jackie Polo, there’s nae way this duo aren’t going all the way to the top. Coffey isn’t shite on the mic btw, but theres no better mouthpiece in Scottish Wrestling than Jackie Polo right now, so having him projecting your character on commentary and as the head honcho of Polo Promotions only does good things. The fact that they have a hilarious rapport together as a tag team, and as general big time buddies only adds to the appeal of the whole thing.
(Credit to David J Wilson for the photos, apart fae the Mr Perfect one like, I assume that wasn’t him, but I wouldnae be surprised if it was)