Here listen. I’ve no wrote about WWE in a while right. I’ve no. For that I apologise. It’s just not been inspiring me, and tbh I got sick of watching RAW twice every week and actually paying attention tae it properly the second time. Cause it’s no a good enough show to be dedicating about 10 hours tae it every week (including the time it takes tae write these stupidly long reviews) So I thought I’d leave aff it tae I got the bug again, but an influx of local shows, and me simply enjoying them more has led tae a gid 7 week lull of barely any WWE patter.
So why has this episode of Smackdown led me tae come out of semi retirement and starting swinging? Toothache mate. Simple as that. I stuck it on cause I wis up anyway, and this is distracting me from my toothache. Essentially I’m using you, and eating up your precious time with these words cause my mooths sare. I had no desire to write about Smackdown at all. Especially when it kicked off with a Cena promo where he’s immediately doing that thing where he talks really slowly, cause theres a big PPV match coming up, and he thinks the slower he says it the more folk will BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY..WWE NETWORK…9.99 MAGGLE…BUY IT…BROCK LESNAR…HE COMIN FUH YOO NI….
Following the boring as fuck Cena promo, which led to a fucking 10 MAN TAG being announced for the main event (dont start me on that fuckin shite….just dont…fuckin 10 man tag…..the battle cry of a company hugely lacking in short term creative direction….so we’ll just put EVERYCUNT in the main event) we had a piece of art from Cesaro and Dolph Ziggler. With some beautiful acrobatic uppercuts in the mix, and a stunning spot where Cesaro chucks Dolph up in the air for the midair uppercut, only for Dolph to catch him wae the DDT on the way back down. Cesaro bossed it for the most part, but Dolph won with a sexy wee rollup. Keeping both looking strong as fuck going in to their respect Night Of Champions matches. Sheamus was on commentary, and I blocked out as his Irish babble, but I did notice how weird he looks wae clothes on. That sound quite homoerotic, let me explain. I prefer him in his pants. Aw fuck…that’s no any different really is it? Erm…his pale complexion makes him look weird with human clothes on. Like a ghost who;s heid’s been set on fire, but ghosts dont have heids dae they? That’s what makes them ghost. That’s what makes them able to pass through walls in the ghosty levels in Mario, but they can still kill ye cause they steal souls n shit.
Heath Slater took on (an) Uso, anaw and I’d be lying to my readership if I pretended I watched that shit. I did not. No cause I don’t like the two guys involved either. I truly dae. Disnae make me care about this though. What the fuck is this Slater and Gator thing man? Why is that a thing? What brings Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil together other than boredom and missing their auld pals? Fuckin bring back 3MB and the Prime Time Players, and restore order in the tag team jobber universe pls. It wis Jimmy btw, and he won.
There’s Nikki Bella. There’s me skipping to the next thing. Naw hen. Just naw. She’s better than Brie in every way these days anaw, which makes me so sad, cause Daniel Bryan has to live wae that shiter. You could have had yer pick of the Divas mate. Why her pls? Why not Luna Vachon or Summer Rae? Why not Paige? Could have took a run at AJ tae, but nah. You chose this life. Maybe she seemed awrite when you were both on the road, without prolonged exposure to one and other. Maybe she gied really good gammies, and you fell in love with the gub, but not you’ve had some time off to reflect, ye must be thinking “I need tae get this midden tae fuck” Surely.
It troubles me that everyone in the world disnae love Mark Henry. Truly does. He’s a big no nonsense clobbering cunt wae a beard. What’s no tae like? He’s provided Rusev with the first opponent he’s had that I actually believed might beat him (nae offence tae the Swagatron like, love you mate, but he was never puttin ye over) and he gets all Southern and Misogynistic when he chats tae Lana, which is the besta patter. He cackled whilst she was talking, which is my favourite thing in the fuckin world, cause that’s all her patter deserves these days. Same promo for about 6 months mate. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Rusev vs Henry is set for Night of Champions, so that’s gid. I reckon Rusev will go over again, but it’ll be proper impressive. Wouldn’t be surprised if he does that belly to belly overhead throw then he’s lit that “ye see the size ae the big cunt? just flung uhm mate…yasss….REWWWWWSEVVVVV UDRIYA….RUUUUUSEV PACHKA”
Paige vs Brie Bella is not something I have much desire tae see, but AJs on commentary and that’s always gold, so let’s gie it a go eh. Actually pretty decent. As gommy as Brie’s work will always be, she has vastly improved and they done a wee spot where they kinda crawled towarss each other on all fours on the apron, and that shit was mad sexy. Also AJ said she’s gonnae love Paige “until she draws her last breath” which is about as much as I’ve been creeped out whilst nursing a huge stauner. Paige has been sensational since turning heel and this whole feud should never end. Literally just realised Nikki’s been sittin at ringside the whole time. Wonder why they didnae get her on commentary eh? Cause she’s been killing it on the mic lately, and by “it” I mean “my will to live” For some reason AJ got up and got in Nikkis face, so Brie saved her even though they hate each other, and done this weird pause thing before she got back in the right where she stood for about 5 seconds and looked like she was in the midst of the act of shiteing hersel. Paige hit that weird but wonderful DDT thing she does (please never use the Paige Turner again, its heavy garby, DDT and PTO for the win…aw the time)
A Bray Wyatt promo. As good as this always is, they’ve made him an irrelevance and I fuckin hate that. He should have went over on Cena. If they really wanted to create the stars of tomorrow, he would have. They dont care though. Only Roman Reigns seems tae be getting that faith put in him, and even then, they know he isn’t anywhere near ready, so they’re stalling like fuck. Probably till next years Mania. Which is saddening. In the meantime naecunt else bar Rollins and Ambrose (which is his own doing more than any faith from the heirachy) will progress at all. Yer gonnae end up with naecunt. Even if Reigns does become the “guy” who’s out there worth beating? Bray’s still talking about Chris Jericho, and I love Jericho tae pieces, but who cares? He comes back for a few months, puts people over and leaves. Naecunt is ever gonnae get truly engaged with a feud that’s a foregone conclusion. It’s like they knew folk were annoyed at the outcome of the Cena feud, so they thought “lets have Bray beat a guy that no longer matters tae keep these smark wank bastards happy!” and its…no fuckin worked. Naecunt cares.
Still love JBLs Bo Dallas patter, but Bo himself is wearing thin again. I have a very love/hate thing wae Bo-cahontas personally. I’m no entirely sure what he is, and sometimes I’m heavily intae it, but I dunno if its his booking that occasionally bugs me, cause watching him pretty much squash Zack Ryder was mildly infuriating to me. Maybe its cause of that fuckin finisher, cause a Bulldog is not a finisher. If it was, The British Bulldog would have used it. Cause the correlation would have been handy. Bulldogs for bulldogs. I do like this angle with Swagger though. Maybe that’s cause Swagger is my favourite thing in WWE right now, which is fuckin madness, but there ye go. No longer can anyone say its just the after effects of his alignment wae Cesaro, cause I actually care about his work MORE than I do Cesaro’s right now (thats not to say he’s a better wrestler btw, cause he is not and never fuckin could be) and its been fuckin ages since The Real Americans stopped being bestos. Genuinely hope Swagger vs Dallas is braw, but I cannae see it, because as good as Dallas is at that character, he’s still a terribly average wrestler. Anyway..Swagger came oot, let us enjoy his theme, and leathered Dallas for trying to rob Zebs “hand over your heart, in a loud clear voice” patter. Magic.
Guys…theres 20 minutes left of the show and there’s cunts coming out for the main event. Guys…did they give 20 minutes of match time tae a fuckin 10 man tag….seriously? Naw….fuhrealz? Unless its elimination, that shit is fucking stupid. Nae chance in hell I’m watching 20 minutes of an overbooked shiter of a match like that. I’m sure it was rammed with good shit, but WWE need to learn that naecunt wants this. Find me one person who was genuinely hype when he heard it being announced, and you’ll have found me a fuckin idiot. Three weeks in a row now Smackdown has had utterly dire main events. Used to be WWEs most solid mainstream show wrestling wise anaw, and its fuckin plummeted lately. Sad.
Should probably tell ye who was in this 10 man eyesore eh? It was Mark Henry, Big Show, Cena, Reigns and Jericho (aka the merry band of faces lacking in creative direction) taking on The Wyatt Family, Seth Rollins and Corporate Kane (aka the weird anti establishment bearded guys teaming up with…the establishment) and they did indeed wrestle. I’m gonnae watch the last 5 minutes, but I bet ye any money. I’ll put all my debt on the line here, and tell ye that I guaran-DAMN-tee that the good guys go over, in a rousing finish, with either Cena or Reigns sealing the win. Or perhaps a combination of both. OR they do that overbooked tag match thing where EVERY face his his finisher. We’ll see eh…lets find oot, I’m so excited!
WRONG! Egg on my face eh. Cena got the STF in and The Wyatts leathered him for the DQ. Naw wait….spoke too soon hahahahaha, no fuckin way man. I genuinely didnae watch this btw. I wrote that prediction bit as a jest, and after the dusty finish they done the “every face does their finisher” thing. Amazing. Truly beautiful. No wrote a fuckin word about WWE in weeks, and I can still predict whit they’re gonnae dae right before they dae it. If yer finishes are that predictable, here’s an idea. Change them up a bit eh! Cunts.
NAK 4 Life.