Pride will welcome the first band of post independence war criminals to its venue in Bridgeton on Saturday, as the infidels filter in to hide from the protectors of the realm and probably watch some wrestling tae I suppose. That’s what we are now eh? War criminals. The marginalised minority, but what’s that got to do with wrestling I hear you ask? Well….fuck all really. I thought it would act as a catchy topical hook, before we explain how brilliant PRIDE will be on Saturday, and how you should all go there and enjoy it with yer eyes, ears and any other senses you fancy engaging with. Did it work? Did it draw ye in? The nation was divided by all that referendum patter, but do you know what unites us all? Wrestling. Well…it unites all the wrestling fans anyway, and pop culture references always make for top class wrestling show names, so of course, calling it “We Love It When A Plan Comes Together” was a smart move. Now the conspiracists are asking “was the plan a ‘no’ vote all along?” but they need tae shut the fuck up and think about….
Joe Hendry vs Lewis Girvan (N7 Title Match)
The word on the street is that Joe Hendry used all his powers of underhanded handsome tae steal this belt off Lewis Girvan at the last show. Ye can’t always trust the word on the street though, so its quite handy that its fact tae. That’s definitively what went down. Two of the finest young talents in Scotland here though. For me Girvan is one of the best wrestlers around, but lacks that x-factor, whereas Joe Hendry has all the x-factor and still has some fine tuning to do wrestling wise. Put them together and you have the greatest young wrestler in the world bar none. Easily. Probably the greatest man in the world tae. The blueprint for human engineering. Separately what do we have? Fuck knows. Probably the greatest match of all time eh. Some Steamboat vs Savage type shit, cept everyones really pale. In fact it just clicked. Know what you’d get if you actually combined Joe Hendry with Lewis Girvan? Drew. That how ye make a Drew. Take muscle and chanting ability, and throw in a dose of Lewis Girvan and HEY PRESTO. You’ve made a Drew. Anyway. I fancy Girvan to take the belt back, and continue bringing joy to the masses, eager to see top quality pro wrestling combined wae really bouncy hair.
Byres and Fiona Fraser vs DCT and Viper
Heavily intae DCT and Viper being a team. Bet ye they got together via a stepbrothers montage, suddenly realising they’d become best friends, and bursting doon to the garage to practice their suplexes on each other. Don’t know much about Byers, but I hear he’s eh..interesting. A fellow with a penchant for peculiarity. As much as I enjoy Fiona Fraser in a wrestling sense, theres nae way her and Byers are overcoming the dream team. As long as charisma is a recogniseable stat in professional wrestling. Justice for DCT.
The Gatecrashers vs Bobby Roberts and James St James
My lack of prior PRIDE storyline knowledge kinda stops any patter about this yin stone dead, because I’ve got nae idea. The Gatecrashers are baddies in SWA, but are they goodies in PRIDE? They wear brightly coloured pants, but so does Dickie Divers so that means fuck all. In the wee photie above, everyone looks a bit upset, and a bit like they’re smelling a really exasperating fart, so that’s telling me nothing either. I’m sure both teams will be in the tag title picture when that becomes a real thing, so the winners of this will be in the mix there. OH MAYBE THEY’RE BOTH BADDIES!? Two heel teams who don’t even bother doing any wrestling cause they’re too busy shouting a children, and telling them why the orange fruit shoot they’re drinking would be “MUCH BETTER IF IT WAS BLACKCURRANT”
Big Damo vs Chris Renfrew
Damo vs Renfrew has scrap written all over it. No matter how much they’ve changed since knocking fuck out each other as men of similar stature in in SWA in 2009, the central philosophy to their work has always been “I’m gonnae hit that guy….I’m gonnae hit him really hard, and I hope he falls down” and that will continue to be the case. Just cause Damo is a real life bear, and Renfrew seems dead set on the demise of Scottish Wrestling (kayfabe n that) disnae mean that set of circumstances changed at all. When you chuck them in there together, a good auld fashioned leathering is gonnae be dished out. Renfrew and Sweeney are best boaysies in Pride, so if im doing some predicting, I’d say we might have him getting involved and a wee tag match brewing, but I hope it stays as advertised, because I’d quite enjoy watching a match where Chris Renfrew would be considered a bit of a cruiserweight. Better be practicing yer corkscrew plancha.
I’ve never had more of a “someone gonnae touch my nipple…maybe both nipples” vibe from a segment than I get from this one. Someones gonnae die. I just watched this promo and I’m convinced Jam’s going to be biting folk’s ears off tae someone bleeds out. Can ye bleed out from blunt ear trauma? Spose we’ll find out eh. Young Dailhan Hendry is in for some scary shit. Watch the promo. Its here. See it?
Glen Dunbar vs Mikey Whiplash (PRIDE Title Match)
This was supposed to go down at the last show, but Dunbar was injured, so instead the crowd at that one had to put up with Whiplash vs Jack Gallagher for their sins. Its happening now though, with Whippy looking to become the third ever PRIDE champ. Its a belt that has been handed to some undervalued talents in Scottish Wrestling in the past, with Dickie Divers and Dunbar as yer full championship history, so it would be a bit of a change to see if on one of the most established talents in the UK if Whippy takes it. This might be Dunbar’s biggest match to date in terms of the quality of opponent and the magnitude of the match itself, so I reckon he’ll scorch it and we’ll see a marvellous wee story unfolding between these two. Genuinely nae idea how its gonnae go, so I’m going to predict two dudes, gettin sweaty, and applying various holds to one and other in a professional wrestlin environment.
Overall its a belter of a card, so if you like wrestling, and live stoating about Bridgeton shooting pedestrians with yer imaginary finger guns, both options are more than available to you this Saturday, with more details on the wrestling show situation available here.
See ye there!