Every single night.
I close my eyes, crumbs from the 6 empire biscuits I’ve just scoffed trickling from by beard fro, all the way down to my chest pubes, and I drift into a sugar induced delirium. I dream a dream.
It starts as a nightmare. Blow after blow rains down on on his majestic mustachiaoed coupon and torso. A callous pirate on a crusade to kill, one whip at a time. DCT collapses to the mat. Simon Cassidy’s cry of “this bout, scheduled for one fall, and is for the ICW Heavyweight Championship” are but a distant memory. My paternal instincts kick in as I watch the horror unfold. I want to reach out and snatch that belt clean out of Jack Jesters hands and tell him NO MORE! Why must you inflict this suffering on our hero.
I dreamed a dream.
The punishment continues and as it does, DCT begins to die. The light fades from his previously bright eyes. His warm, welcoming smile, turns to a limp frown. The mustache on his glistening orange pants turns from having upturned, positive edges, to eh….downturned….negative edges? DCT was dying right in front of me. I couldn’t save him. NO ONE COULD. OH THE HUMANITY. We need a HERO.
We need an International. Sex. Hero.
All of a sudden from the ashes of DCTs battered, whelp ridden corpse emerges the International Sex Hero. He came to the rescue. The International Sex Hero was gonnae save the day.
He’s gonna save the day.
He rises to his feet, beats his chest proudly and says NO MORE, but another thunderous belt shot takes him down. The small detail they don’t tell you about International Sex Heroes is that they’re kings of espionage. Kings of the sacred art of “Playing possum”
The International Sex Hero sees an opening, as Jester turns to the feverish ICW crowd. Baying for more destruction from their champion and he ROLLS JESTER THE FUCK UP. 1….2….3.
Who’s yer new ICW Champion?
“It’s me…It’s me…It’s D..C..T”
Then I wake up in a cauld sweat, with a pair of swimming shorts filled with pennies tied round my right ankle. I’m on a desert island, with surprisingly good Wifi, and I check my phone. InsaneWrestling.com…championship histories, current ICW Champion – Jack Jester.
In the word of paraphrased Gabrielle. Dreams…can come true.
This wan didnae.