Dundee eh. I don’t know much about Dundee other than the fitba teams live across the road fae each other, and its junkie to child ratio disnae exist…..cause all the children are junkies (I jest…accusing children of taking Class A’s is too far, at least tae they reach 13…the lega age for Class A consumption in Dundee)
“Its like Kilmarnock with Herpes” is probably a wee bit harsh right enough, but Chris Renfrew doesn’t seem the type to give much of a fuck about that. He’s pretty much told Dundee to expect a Square Go to be lobbed in their direction. The whole City. I know he’s assembled quite the team, but for fuck sake. Dundee must have at least 500 people in it. Perhaps 100 times that. I don’t fuckin know. Already tellt ye. I know ride all about this place, but I’m sure I’ll learn plenty before the night’s over. Some folk call it Fundee, some folk call it Scumdee. I’m kinda hoping for a potent, eccie flavoured mixture of the two. Also….a bit of a wrestling show. Following Helter Skelter on Sunday, there’s loose ends to be tied up, and faces to be struck in all sorts of creative ways. In amongst it.
Kenny Williams vs. Kid Fite (ICW Zero-G Title Match)
The baws vs the bollocks is perhaps the best way any match has been summed up in the history of people summing things up. Both are coming off the back of fuckin excellent matches against English counterparts on Sunday, so it’s only right that student and trainer get in there together and celebrate their collective success by whippin the baws oot and waving them aboot. As a wrestling match, filled with wrestling moves and aw that carry on, it’ll be a belter. Fito’s no a top rope type of guy, but he can go fast. Real fast. Like a shooting star. Across the midnight sky. Fuck knows how this descended intae quoting flip and fill, but the central thesis you should take from this patter is that this match will probably be excellent, and The Bollocks might be putting his belt in serious jeopardy going against a cunt who taught him everything he knows. Even if he survives this test, next up he has the winner of this wee stoater of a match…
B.T Gunn vs. Stevie Boy (Zero-G No.1 Contenders Match)
Had a wee feeling about this since it was announced. It’s the sleeper for match of the tour if ye ask me. It’ll go at a speed that makes yer heid spin, and it’ll hit with a ferocity that’ll make enough blood vessels burst tae fuckin drown the place. And by “the place” I mean “the whole of fuckin Scotland”. If you’re not very very intae this match, you’re wrong and ye need tae get out my face. Seriously. Back the fuck up. You have no place here. Dragging the rest of us down with yer negativity and yer painfully daft looking coupon. STATE AE YE!
To be mildly serious for a second, I fancy BT to insist he’s going one on one with Stevie, and I fancy BT to brutalise Stevie for the most part, then the bold Stevie steals the win. This is the summer of Stevie Boy mate. Don’t fuckin care if its October. That’s nothing but a mere technicality. BT’s got unfinished business with Wolfy anyway, so the Zero-G belt would be fuck all but an extra weapon to sling in Wolfies direction. He’ll get his fill by knocking some of Stevies teeth oot with some atomic superkicks, and Stevie will get his wae a motherfuckin Zero-G Title shot.
Joe Hendry vs. Liam Thomson
This show has a wee bit of a theme by the look of it. Jam packed full of matches that look like the two competitors involved should be buddies, but for some reason, they’re no. Kenny vs Fito is teacher vs trainer. BT vs Stevie is Just vs Uz. Jester vs Grado is Besto vs Besto, and this right here is a couple of cocksure, Edinburgh natives being seemingly FORCED to throw hands at one and other, by the fuckin MAN. Do not succumb to oppression boaysies. Rise above hate. Refuse to even wrestle each other. Form an east coast alliance and make things better together. Assuming they do not follow my advice and they heinously knock lumps out each other, it’ll probably be exceedingly braw. Joe Hendry gets better in the ring every time I see him, and Liam Thomson is one of, if not the best technician in Scotland. Still though. Shameful that they’re making them fight at all. SHAMEFUL.
Big Damo vs. Chris Renfrew
Anyone who seen these two face each other at Pride the other week will have seen a match that combined some right physical shit, with these two having a bit of a laugh. The Pride version of Renfrew is still a bad cunt, but with a bit of a sarcastic, cheeky edge. That makes him sound like a school wean or something eh? Ye know what I mean. Its more class clown type patter, but in ICW its more about how many bodies he can collect. He’s taken a few human scalps, but a bear? Could be his toughest task yet. Bears are quite big ye see. Real animal bears that is. Damo is another breed. The human/bear hybrid, and whilst that leads to smaller, blunter claws, it also means he can FUCKIN FLY. Van-Damo-Nators all fuckin day. This won’t be about two former adversaries renewing an auld rivalry and having a giggle, this’ll be about two cunts who don’t much like each other, most likely trying to kill each other. I could see a wee NAK beatdown happening, with someone saving the bear from getting his heid crushed in a chair via killer boots, but fuck know who. I’m just spitballing there. Seems like a likely scenario. It takes all 4 NAK members to take him down, and it becomes their biggest scalp yet until fuckin…I dunno. Somecunt makes the save. Maybe Bob Backlund wielding a clawhammer, or yer da. Someone who poses a threat anyway.
Mark Coffey vs. Darkside
Mark Coffey against Darkside is the best pure wrestling match on the card, so the fact that it’s probably been the match spoken about the least (aye I fuckin know it was only just announced, trying tae build it up and aw that..whilst ignoring that fact, leave me tae it ffs) says a lot for the strength of the card eh? Or maybe it says fuck all. I really don’t know. Watch it, enjoy it, and pray for a day where Mark Coffey once again has a shiny belt round his waist. Life’s just….weird, when that’s not the case. Fancy Darkside to win right enough, only because I’ve went away in a dreamland about where a wee Mark Coffey losing streak could lead and I can’t fuckin shake it off. MARK VS JOE FOREVER. Or at least once. Sorry, had tae let that out. Feel much better now. On tae the next one.
Wolfgang vs. Drew Galloway
A wee bit of this eh? Don’t fuckin mind if I do. I reckon this will close the show, but with the title match announced today, it’s no longer a cert. Who really gives a fuck? They could have it 5 hours before the show, in some auld cunts toolshed in Shettleston, and reverberations would still be felt fae Dundee tae Dunoon. These two are going to straight up leather each other. Seriously. The best tend to bring the best out in Wolfgang. His match with Devitt still remains one of my favourite of my time watching wrestling, because they told a quite beautiful story. The story about the Irish guy jumping on the Scottish guy, and vice versa, before the Scottish guy won. Somecunt should scoop up the movie rights. It was too much. I genuinely credit that match with re-igniting my love for wrestling as an adult, and without that, I wouldn’t be able to be so ridiculously fuckin excited for subsequent matches like this. So cheers Wolfie. Drew’s probably gonnae beat ye though, and that pesky BT Gunn and his pals will likely have something to do with it. The shower ah bastirts. Unless it goes the other way, and Jester gets involved to get in Drews head. Using the Futureshock on Big Damo was step one in that regard. Step two might be going after the big man’s eye or suhin. Nae way they’re both appearing on the card and not colliding, so if it doesn’t happen in this match it’ll likely happen…
Jack Jester vs. Grado (ICW Title Match)
I’ve said to a few folk recently, Jester’s running out of credible folk to defend the belt against. Racked my brain for someone who was yet to have a shot in some way, shape or form. Aside fae BT Gunn, came up wae nothing. Could’ve sat pouring over it for a solid week, whilst leisurely sipping a bowl of Sangria through a hollowed oot chopstick, and I still widnae have dreamt this one up. That’s when I’m at my most creative tae, but this? Its fuckin….I dunno, it feels unnatural. Jester and Grado have always had this strange bond with each other, even though they’re fae opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of how they live life. The Insane Fight Club appearance only strengthened it, so throwing one of Jester’s best mates, and a guy who most folk fuckin love at the champion whilst he’s nursing the re-emergence of his sadistic streak….I kinda fuckin love it. I could see Jester having a moment where he has to choose between letting his pal walk away with all is limbs in tact, or he can partially maim him and send a message tae Drew, and as much as I love Grado, I hope Jester picks Option B. I hope he gets the hacksaw oot, gets it sharpened and Drew has to save Grado from the wrath of his pal. Either way, the sorry Grado, but unless Drew gives ye some liberal hauners, the belt’s going naewhere.
Cannae believe I’m actually advising other humans to do this, but come to Dundee eh. It’ll be good. Wrestling and that. On tour n that. Running amok. Send it. Sho starts at 7pm. At Fat Sams in Dundee. Which I was disappointed to find out wisnae some kind of fast foot joint.