Think I fuckin jinxed it. Since writing that piece a few months back speaking openly about my mental health issues and how wrestling played a huge part in overcoming them, I’ve hit a bad spell. As its World Mental Health Day tomorrow, I thought I’d jot some stuff down. A lot of people said nice things about the first thing I wrote on the subject, and I think a lot of that came from how ultimately positive it was despite talking about things that could be perceived as negative, so I worried about writing something that spoke more about the down side. Something written whilst I was going through a particularly rough spell mentally, but fuck it. Even if it helps naecunt else, it’ll help me to see it in black and white.
It’s not as bleak as it used to be though. Purely because it’s not debilitating all the time. I’m still getting oot and aboot. Still getting to my course as much as I can. Still writing like fuck. So its not the way it was for me at its worst, where I’d pretty much shut myself off from humanity until the worst of the cycle of depression was over. My coping mechanisms are a lot better than they were, so even though the feelings of deep sadness and anxiety rival the way they were when I was at my worst, I take a wee bit of pride in being able to at least function somewhat normally whilst carrying that around. Made it to fuckin Newcastle and back for ICW ffs and actually enjoyed the vast majority of it, so even managing that felt significant, and I suppose that’s where wrestling continues to provide an almost therapeutic outlet. Fuck all else in the world would have got me to even leave the house last weekend, never mind leave the house and go all the way to another fuckin country, so that’s progress in itself. A positive to draw from this spell, which has undoubtedly been the worst I’ve felt since starting to climb out of the dark pit of hopelessness I was in for the best part of a decade. If I can still do that when I feel so bad, imagine what I can do when I eventually come out the other side of it? Probably conquer a small nation or suhin. One that maybe recently had a chance to become independent but chose not to. That kind of nation probably wouldn’t even bother putting up a fight. Piece of fuckin piss int it.
I suppose it’s another lesson learned through these mental struggles. Probably not the best thing to be quoting serial killers and that, but Charles Mansons chat about pain being good, because it teaches you things is something that’s always stuck with me since I read it. For someone so completely aff his nut, to me those words are almost prophetic. Once you understand that most of the time, the bad shit will eventually pass, it’s easier to face it head on. Try to understand why it’s happening, and at least make an effort to actively cope with it instead of hiding under a veil of booze, pills, gambling and perhaps a dash of heidering inanimate objects thrown in for good measure. Its fuckin shite. I’ll no lie and say any different. It makes everyday things feel hard as fuck, and hard as fuck things seem almost impossible, but its no forever. If you’re reading this aimless shite and you can relate, you’ll probably be alright tae. Or a good spell to rival the sheer hopelessness you might be feeling right now is just round the corner.
Or maybe it isnae. There’s nae set rules to this shit. That’s one thing that bothers me above anything else. People implying that they know what you’re going through and what you need to do to improve it. Don’t be a know it all. Don’t be a “get up and get on wae it” cunt. Be there. If someone close to you is openly going through a down spell, or if you think they might be quietly suffering, just be there for them. That’s the only thing that’s ever helped me personally at my lowest. People who might suspect I’m feeling a bit off, making an effort to be there. Not taking it personally when I’m a bit abrupt. Thats the kindest thing you can do for someone going through a bleak spell mentally. Provide a presence. Making sure that person knows they aren’t alone is a huge kindness, even if they don’t what your physical presence, just knowing is a comfort. If that person wants to talk, they will. Dont force it. The thing I’m finding most difficult to cope with is the return of the isolation. Even amongst people I know, or people I’m close to, it’s almost like I’m in a wee bubble, but having people in my life that understand it and I don’t feel like I have to hide it from means a fuckin lot. Being able to still drag my arse to the wrestling and to have that feeling melt away during the show mean a fuckin lot tae. Aside from the isolation the main thing I’ve battled with is shame. It’s such an illogical thing, but feeling deeply ashamed of being unable to do things cause my brain stops me is something I’ve always experienced, but for over a year it was a rarity. That feeling of self loathing making an unwelcome return has been the most worrying part about this bad spell, and its the one thing I have nae clue how to combat. Besides pushing through it and still getting shit done, but when it gets the better of me its pretty much impossible to stop that feeling, and its fuckin awful. Sitting on a bus home having been unable to tackle the simple task of getting on a fuckin train and feeling like the worst person on the planet even though the only person affected by it is you? Thats the dictionary definition of pure shite. Well its the second one at least. It’s like this..
1. Pure hunners of actual real shite.
2. Huvin a shite brain.
I suppose the point is, if you’ve suffered from depression, anxiety or other related mental health issues in the past, or you’re currently suffering. You’re far from being alone. It might feel that way, but it’s not. I thought I was pretty much over my issues, but it never fully goes away. You CAN learn to cope with it better, and when its triggered you have ways of dealing with it, and this is another lesson for me, but fuck it. ICW weekender on the horizon, so once again pro wrestling, and boaysies will be relied upon to drag me out of this current mire and I’ve nae doubt it’ll do the job. In the short-term at least.