I was considering writing two previews. Purely so there was something on this site wae the title “Lucy In The Sky With Divers” because that’s undoubtedly the best name for anything since time began, but we’re stuck for time ye see. Its just no possible for me tae write two separate posts AND tattoo Rampage Browns heid on tae my back wae a rusty nail and a biro, so sometimes ye need tae prioritise. Fire these two together since its a WEEKENDER and get sack deep in shenanigans. So here we go. A double bill. Liverpool for some SCOUSE HOUSE (thats a thing btw…google it) and Leeds for WHITEVER THE FUCK PEOPLE DAE IN LEEDS. It’s good for tea eh? Tea, rugby and outting “‘t” in front of words. Like instead of “I’m getting the train to London for a day out with friends” it would be “gerrin t’train t’big citeh” or eh… I dunno. Wrestling and that aye?
Here are some things that should make ye come to BOTH shows even if you live in New Zealand, Mozambique, POSSIL. Wherever you hail fae, there’s a direct train line to Dundee no doubt, and from there Liverpool and Leeds is pretty much just doon the road. Easy peasy.
Jack Gallagher (both shows)
Jack Gallagher is one of finest technical wrestlers in the UK. In fact, fuck that. The world. He’s an artist, and his match with Joe Coffey ar Shugs was the best pure wrestling match I’ve seen this year. Gallagher vs Darkside (Leeds) will probably be a marginally better wrestling match than Gallagher vs Fito (Liverpool), but there’s something I cannae put my finger on that makes me ridiculously excited about Gallagher vs Fito. One of they matches that ye never really think will materialise. They dont roll in the same circles, but ICW brings folk like them together. ICW makes things like The Sumerian Death Squad vs London and Kendrick happen. Anything is possible. I fancy Gallagher to win both matches, and be awarded the freedom of the United Kingdom as a result, cause he’s a well-respected man about town and all that. Both matches will obviously be fuckin excellent though. Nae chance they wont be.
Rampage Brown vs Fito…the sequel (Leeds)
Fuckin loved this in Newcastle. So much so that I bumped the graphic from it for the wee photie cause fuck it. It’s the same good shit, only difference is that it’s in Rampages home town this time because he was caught off guard a bit in Newcastle I reckon. Newcastle is close enough to Glasgow both logistically and spiritually that Fito had the power of both behind him, so Rampage needs to get himself hame where he has plenty of hauners to call upon. I reckon the big man will win convincingly tae, marking his arrival on the ICW roster by decapitating one of its most experienced members and punting his heid towards the moon whilst screaming THE DAMAGE…HAS BEEN CAUSED.
Or Fito will win, and rectify his previous inability to stick his baws in Rampages mouth by….well, sticking his baws in Rampages mouth.
Chris Renfrew vs Wolfgang (Liverpool)
Mind that time Renfrew kinda tried to murder Wolfgang aye? As much as it was the whole of NAK, this maniac masterminded that shit. He wanted Wolfie tae fuckin perish and for a while it looked like he’d done the job. We didnae see Wolfgang for the best part of 3 weeks, maybe even 4. Such was the dedication in his selling of the deidness. But Zombie Wolfgang emerged, and he’s been on the warpath since. Admittedly with little success in terms of winning matches and that. A certain team seem to be taking a great amount of pleasure in stopping him doing that, but at least now he’s got a chance to face one of his tormentors. One on one. With BT Gunn a bit pre-occupied with a certain Mr Galloway, and Darkside and Divers taking on the SDS, he MIGHT even get a fair fight. That disnae necessarily mean he gets a win though. Renfrew didnae assemble the most dangerous team of violent criminals in Scottish Wrestling because he cannae fight, he assembled it so he could fight people HARDER. Fight them to death sometimes even. This time, he’ll probably content just to fight. For all the mental shit announced for these dates, I reckon this could be the most brutal match of them all. Genuine bad blood leading to the spillage of actual real life blood. The red stuff that causes death n stuff.
Grado vs Sha Samuels
Outwith the Mikey Whiplash masterpieces, this matchup is Grado’s best to date if ye ask me. In London was a simple but majorly effective slice of baddie vs goodie storytelling. Made both look equally good at the thing they do best. The thing Sha Samuels does best is look really fuckin angry, then he projects that anger via words and actions. Actions such as trying tae choke people with his braces and punching them in the face wae his massive, face dismantling hauns. The thing Grado does best apart fae tanning 6 steak bakes, and washing it doon with another 6 steak bakes every Sunday (the steak bakers dozen he cries it) is overcoming the odds. Grado’s making a career out of standing up tae big bullyboy bastards like Sha and saying “fuck you ahm right….fuck you, you’re wrong”. Honestly though, if its anything like the match in London its gonnae be a fuckin treat. Could see big Sha winning it though. I reckon he’ll be an ICW regular from now on, so the big man needs tae stay strong, and he’ll achieve that probably by heidering Grados teeth down his throat.
The Sumerian Death Squad (both shows)
Not only will they be taking on yer Darkside and Divers (Liverpool) in a match that’s been described as “on” this Saturday. They take a wee jolly down to Leeds for a match against a coupla imports. Who gies a fuck about that though? Fucking imports man, coming err here and taking our jerbs. How dare they! Although I suppose most cunts on these England shows are technically imports eh. It’s a bit of a minefield this patter. Nae idea where I’m going with it. Was it clear I was joking aye? Calling London and Kendrick imports is a fucking LIBERTY, cause they cunts embody everything ICW’s about. Being really good at the wrestling, and also knowing how tae have fuckin FUN. Enough about them though. We’ll talk about them in a minute. SDS vs Divers and Darkside will be excellent. Divers will likely take some unreal bumps when the SDS start their procession of mind bending double team moves, and I fancy Darkside and Tommy End to have some of the best exchanges of hand to hand combat on the tour. They better no hit Divers in the face though. The show in Leeds has his fuckin name in man. He needs tae be at optimum handsomeness. That Leeds show also has this wee match anaw…
Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs The Sumerian Death Squad (ICW Tag Title Match)
Not sure if they’ve ever met in a tag match before, or if any of them have even wrestled each other at all, although I imagine at least London and Tommy End have crossed paths. What I am sure about is that this shit is gonnae be fucking insane. The Sumerian Death Squad are probably the best tag team in Europe right now. One of the best in the world and yer throwing them in there with a pair of legends. Legends who recently climbed to the top of the ICW tag team mountain by toppling The NAK. This match has one simple goal if ye ask me. Try and top what The NAK and Londrick produced in Newcastle. Have a fuckin go at it. You probably won’t succeed. It would take something very special to make it happen, but they’ll have a right good go at it I imagine. With London and Kendrick booked for Fear and Loathing I doubt they’ll drop the straps, but I wouldn’t be hugely shocked if it happened. I also wouldnae be shocked if the O2 in Leeds no longer has a roof, or any living humans in it once this match is done. Fuckin CANNAE WAIT.
Drew Galloway vs BT Gunn (Liverpool…Drew also appearing in Leeds)
Initially I wisnae coming to these two shows. No enough money. No enough organisational skills to set it up and not die at some point. No enough moxy really. Thats what it boils down to. Ye need a fair amount of moxy to embark on such a journey, but as soon as this was announced, that shit changed. This match is gonnae be fucking class. I have nothing more eloquent, or patter based to say about it. If it’s allowed to be a match for at least 10-15 minutes before any shenanigans I anticipate me melting intae a puddle of moistures of varying textures just being in its presence. I fancy some sort of Jester and/or Wolfang involvement, but hopefully not right away. Let the shit breathe, and let it blow Liverpool away, cause there’s nae doubt it will.
There will be other shit obviously. Hopefully some Coffeys and some Noam Dar. I’m writing this on the Friday, where only 3 matches are announced for Leeds, so of course other shit will occur, but I’m no taking my laptop, so this is yer whack fae me words wise. It’s gonnae be cracking anyway. If you’re a local, or if you’re at a loose end and fancy hopping on a bus/train for some top quality, jaw cracking action, fuckin dae it. Tickets still available at ticketmaster. Details for Liverpool and Leeds there. Click the names, read the deets, come tae some shows. WRESTLING.