ICW – Ringo’s Despair Preview

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Its gonnae end with a bang eh?

Birmingham. Limber the fuck up.

Joe Coffey vs Kid Fite

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This current period is the most I’ve enjoyed Fito’s work since starting to watch Scottish Wrestling. Since the Paul London match at Still Smokin, a fire’s been lit under him. The matches with ex tag partner Liam Thomson were predictably belting, particularly the time limit draw in Edinburgh, but the matches on the Magical Mystery Tour so far have been just as good, if not better. The match wae Kenny for the Zero-G belt was good clean fun….apart fae Kenny whipping his remarkably smooth baws oot like…but it was a pair of good pals having a rare time, intertwined with some of that gid wrestling shit. Jack Gallagher and Fito told the age old story of Glesga toe-ing Manchester in the baws for getting wide wae Liverpool, and his battles with Rampage Brown were majestic. The Newcastle one in particular, but the thing those battles proved is that Kid Fite is at his best against surprisingly agile powerhouses. Step up Joe Coffey. The most deceptively agile powerhouse in Scotland today. Cept Damo, but he’s a bear so it falls under a different category. The bear category. Eh….aye. Undoubtedly this will be braw. One of the things the weekender lacked was a huge portion of Joe Coffey, as he was off lariating Mike Mondos heid aff at the weekend,¬†so its rare tae see him back in amongst it in ICW.

Grado and Kenny Williams vs Polo Promotions

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Sticking Grado and Kenny together is some Rock n Sock Connection type stuff in terms of over as fuck faces (I wisnae calling them fuckfaces like….thats just unfortunate sentence structure…dont twist my words, ya dirty) getting together. I hope it leads to a similar level of tomfoolery. Team Irn-Bollocks. Or Colt Cabana….It’s Yer Bollocks! Naw wait…that’s wrang. Colt’s no involved here is he? Aye we’ll brainstorm on the name, point is, this shit is gonnae be fun. Coffey and Polo vs Irn-Jew was a laugh riot, cause the secret to Polo Promotions universal success its that they’re heavy good pals. The Kid n Play of Scottish Wrestling. And they’re gonnae give Kenny Williams his heid tae play wae. Seriously though, anything that gets Kenny Williams and Mark Coffey wrestling against each other is a grand, and noble thing. Grado’s got a bone to pick wae Polo after his cheating bastardry to get the win over him in leeds anaw. Everyone’s picking everyone elses bone. A family friendly good time if there ever was one (jokes….over 18s and dugs only)

Noam Dar vs Liam Thomson

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Soon as these two simultaneously tapped Joe Hendry out in Dundee, ye knew this was happening. Especially since Noam was gien it a fair whack of cheeky patter in Liams direction before the match. Talking about Carmel keepin his baws in a briefcase next tae the paperclips, marmite¬†and the souls of all the children she stole wae her eyes. Nah I jest. It’s a shame we’ve no actually seen Carmel wrestle on this tour. I thought we might get a wee bit of Carmel v Kay Lee, but I think that’s just wishful thinking I’ve got in my brain all year round. Sometimes I’m sitting at family parties, picturing the DJ booth and the shite patter that comes wae it is replaced with a wrestling ring containing Kay Lee Ray vs Carmel Jacob. I suppose we’ll settle for two of the best wrestlers in Scotland mixing it up down in Birmingham eh? Aye fuck it. Dont think I’ve ever seen them wrestle one on one, but I know they had some cracking scraps back in the day. Fancy Noam to win, and my reasoning for that is…fuck knows. Just dae. If not, it’ll be Liam Thomson. OR a no contest. But apart fae that…theres nae other options. Honestly. Thats all there is. Seems a bit restrictive tae me right enough. Lets also have a hide and seek option, where they patch this wrestling carry on entirely and cut about the midlands playing hide and seek. But naw. They should definitely wrestle. That would be most good.

Dave Mastiff vs Damo

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Aw fuck. The ring’s gonnae break eh? I’d have this on last purely for safety purposes, cause the ring’s gonnae fuckin disintegrate. You cant expect a purpose-built wrestling ring to hold two bears. That’s not what its for. Thats not the ‘purpose’. Its for wrestlers. At most one bear and one wrestler, but TWO wrestling bears? Nut. What’s most compelling for me is that despite the pre-historic, slightly mental looking outer shell of both Damo and Mastiff, is that they’re both more cerebral, intense characters. What they do isnae as chaotic as you might expect, and while I expect this match to be typically hard hitting, I expect it to tell a good story tae. If you’re attending the show, you’ll see something truly unique, if you aren’t attending the show, you’re fuckin WASTING yer Sunday ya swine. Sort it out.

Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs The NAK (ICW Tag Team Title Match)

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Imagine ye missed the Newcastle show, thinking you’re one and only chance to see this shit was GONE. Imagine you were that guy. Greetin yersell to sleep. Wondering what might’ve been. Why oh why did I chose doing other things, like celebrating my sons first birthday, or getting my brother outta jail. Stupid, insignificant things, involving insignificant people. People who arent Paul London, BT Gunn, Chris Renfrew or Brian Kendrick. You’d never forgive yersell for that. I’d hate to be that guy. That guy’s a fanny. BUT HERE’S REDEMPTION. A second bite at the cherry. They’re doing it again. Rematch clause or something. Who the fuck cares why, the only thing that matters is that Londrick vs CT Gunnfrew is GO, and Birmingham’s getting to welcome it intae its warm embrace. Can ye smell that aye? Thats the sweet sweet smell of YASSSSS. All up in yer nostrils. If you’re not planning to be in Birmingham, and you’re not clinically dead, rectify that. Ya dick.

Jack Jester vs Jimmy Havoc (ICW Title Match)

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Fuckin FINALLY. The Jester vs Grado match was fucking outstanding. They made me believe Grado might actually take it, but beforehand I thought ‘nae chance’. With this? I don’t think Jimmy Havoc will walk out of Birmingham as ICW Champion, but I do reckon there’s a fair chance he’ll walk out with Jesters life. In fact naw…they’re both gonnae die eh. They’ll no even wrestle. The bell will ring, and they’ll both stand screaming distrubing obscenities at each other, until it eventually descends into them speaking in tongues and spitting acid at each other, before finally setting each other…and everyone in the audience on fire. Or eh…they’ll have an unspeakably brutal wrestling match as usual. In the Foley vs Funk mould, and someones gonnae bleed. Everyones gonnae bleed. Havoc is most certainly gonnae bleed.

Havoc isn’t into it anymore though. Jimmy Havoc is tired of being the purveyor of gore you all live vicariously through. It’s not for him anymore. He’s in wrestling for belts, and if he disnae take Jester’s belt. He’s taking something. Maybe his corkscrew, or his dignity, something he can sell anyway. Jester will likely retain though, but I reckon we’ll maybe get the first cash-in tease for a while. Tellin ye man, Renfrew’s been quiet on that front for far too long. I reckon he’ll be having his say on the title picture before Fear and Loathing. His say will probably involve a flick-knife, and a montage of him getting in shape by lifting double-decker buses and throwing them at tourists in the city centre. If anything was ever designed for a montage, this is it.

So the tour ends here. Its been magnificent. Wrestling’s good. If you’re in the area, or ye like really long bus journeys, come to Birmingham ya rotter! Cheers x

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