ICW – SGT Wolfgangs Lonely Hearts Club Band Review (DUNDEE)


Had nae idea how to write these shows up. Three shows in three days. Three cities. Hunners of travel. Hunners of booze. Hunners of taxi drivers not knowing where places are. Hunners of us not knowing where places are. Social awkwardness. Imitating folks voices in their faces on trains. Imitating folks mannerisms. Basically doing a bunch of shit that puts you in grave danger of gettin battered. Only way to properly represent all three shows is tae separate them eh. In addition to a wee piece tying them all together, I thought it was only right tae review them all separately anaw, cause that’s what this shit deserves. Dundee shouldnae be pushed aside cause everyone pumps their Da, but justifies it by reminding themselves that “he’s also my brother”. Dundee shoudnae be pushed aside cause I just blatantly bumped Renfrews patter in the first paragraph. Dundee deserves better. Dundee had a man and his dug wantin in to see the show. If thats no fuckin hardcore, I don’t know whit is. Wrestling belongs to the people…and their dugs.

BT Gunn vs Stevie Boy 

Knew this would be wonderful. It did not disappoint. There were 9 million superkicks in this match. Thats a fact. It’s a thing we cant deny. There were glorious rope running exchanges, ducks, leapfrogs, kicks to the back of the skull. There was Stevie diving off the apron and being caught in a suplex type position. There were dives. There was a huge missile dropkick fae…probably both of them eh, but definitely Stevie. There was that combo BT does when he mixes chops, kicks and a senton. Everyone in the room had a semi. The burds had hauf wideys. The dugs were aw greetin cause they couldnae get in. Silly dugs. Be more human and ye might get tae see the wrestling. The wee man had BTs bodywarmer on throughout btw. Thats no really pertinent to anything, apart fae the wee mans body being warmer than it might be usually. But anyway,..wrestling.

BT went for the facefucker, had it blocked, then it was superkick warfare, before we got in to a scintillating exchange of forearms, jabs and kicks, before the Wolf came along to wreck the day. Getting in BTs face long enough for Stevie tae slip intae full on flippy mode. CANADIAN DESTROYER. Lights out. Stevie is the new number one contender to the ICW Zero-G belt. 

The match more than lived up to the grand expectations everyone in the free world placed on it. The finish made all the sense in the world anaw, allows Wolfie to get one over on BT, whilst Stevie notches a big win over a 2 time ICW Champion.

The first half of the Dundee show was 100% NAK, so Stevie, Wee Man and Wolfie smartly got thersells tae fuck out of harms way before Renfrew insulted the whole of Dundee. “WHUT UP DUNFERMLINE?!”  Whats up is that according to Renfrew ye all shag yer siste’s, who then produce a brother/son who shags his cousin to produce a son/cousin, who shags his auntie to produce a cousin/son/brother who shags an otter to produce a much fabled cousin/son/aunty/otter/sister combo and then they all get together in one big unibrowed orgy, and deface 5 pound notes wae jizz and any pubes they can find down the back of the couch. One audience member was accused of being joined at the collarbone with his brother/dad, before Renfrew went on to explain how a guy actually did ask if he could get in wae his dug. Wonderful patter. Anytime this has been mentioned I keep picturing some guy wae the Junkyard Dog on a lead, then I remember he’s deid and get real sad. Know who isnae deid though? Damo. Renfrew called him a big wooky lookin fuck or something and out he came for their SINGLES match. It just didnae go down like that though. Big man was leathered something fierce with the mic, and aw the boots to the skull. He needed an army if he was gonnae get out of this one alive. Or if not an army, at least an IRON MAN. And thats how we cheesily introduce you to this being made intae an IMPROMPTU TAG MATCH BAYBAY

Joe Coffey and Big Damo vs Chris Renfrew and Dickie Divers

Damo chucked Divers intae the air and Joe caught him wae a big uppercut on the road down to kick us off. Thats ingrained intae my memory for some reason. Pretty sure it was Divers, but it certainly happened. Nae doubt about that. Then Damo done that fantastic double move, where he gets two opponents on his shoulders and chucks them fae her tae next Tuesday. Any excuse to share this beautiful photie really. Look at this shit. Divers and Renfrew having a domestic on the big yins shoulders. Fuckin GOLD.

1800385_846863798718661_9194021013067961611_nProper buddy movie shenanigans. We’re pals, and we do a lot of stuff together, but we’re so different it leads to shenanigans like this! Uppercuts and splashes fae Joe, before the NAK boys took over. Flying single leg dropkick and a Divers Senton. Joe Coffey went for the swings and had it blocked, but got it on the go second time, before catapulting Divers intae next Tuesday. Then big Damo burst in for the HOAT TAG. Lariats galore. Rolling senton, a wee bit of chest stand then senton action. It looked set for the beards to scoop up the win, only for DISASTER TO STRIKE. In the form of DARKSIDE and BT GUNN. Renfrew and Divers got the win and Joe Coffey was about to get the unfortunate runners up prize of DEATH. Iron man with his iron heid wedged in a chair. Hate seeping out of every pore of the NAK as they looked to slay a man who you could no longer call a man. No longer a moral. Would the Killer Boots even have an effect? We’ll never find out, cause Mark Coffey rushed out and warned the NAK that he is his brother’s keeper. If they wanted to murder him, they’d have to go through Mark first. Mark Coffey v Darkside. Right fuckin now.

Mark Coffey vs Darkside 

Had a right potent semi for this yin. If you’ve read any of my shit before, you’ll know that I regard Mark Coffey to be the da. The “Noam is the future” patter makes nae sense to me, cause he’s currently fuckin crushing it everywhere. Noam is very much the present. Ye can legit call Mark Coffey the future, cause he’s no even scratched the surface yet. Its madness that The Coffeys arent all up in yer Progress, yer PCW, yer NJPW, yer WWE, yer WCW, yer ECW, yer NWA, yer NWO, yer NCAA, yer CFC, aw the fuckin abbreviations. The Coffeys should be in there. Mark Coffey is more than likely my favourite wrestler to watch at the moment personally. Purely judging that by the amount of “aw yassss man!” I experience when he comes out, and let me tell ye. Its PLENTIFUL. Seeing him without a shiny belt is still fuckin weird anaw. Anyway, trying to keep these fuckin things quite short, and I’m away on another Coffey tangent. Wrestling stuff. Keep it tae fuckin wrestling stuff.

They smashed each other a good bit on the outside. Darkside hit a flying knee with Coffey on the barrier. We had that braw belly to back suplex from Coffey, a staple of his diet of technical wrasslin goodness. Darkside hit a gorgeous tiger suplex anaw. It was a smasher of a match after a bit of a slow start. Make nae mistake about that, and make nae mistake about the Pumphandle Slam Coffey utilised to become the WINNNNNER.

Know what was interesting the aftermath? Coffey climbing the ropes, hoisting his fist toward the sky and getting a heroes acclaim. Thats no very Polo Promotions is it? Mark cuttin about face as fuck. I thought he might go the opposite way and start battering Joe, but instead he stopped him getting murdered and everyone in Dundee loves them some Mark Coffey. Fuckin…wrestling eh. A win on the board for the Prince of the Pumphandle though. Thats the main thing. THE REEEEAL DEAL back in business.

Then there was Drew..

Drew Galloway vs Wolfgang

This was a big bucket fulla beauty. The greatest of things. The biggest of bastards, knocking the living FUCK out each other. Honest tae fuck. You could liquidise matches like this, bottle them up and sell them on the streets as “that good shit”. It took about 15 minutes to get started right enough, cause folk were going tonto for big Drew. Give the big yin his due. That entrance is fuckin…intense. Thats a man who didnae come back to ICW to pass the time before some ‘big’ company has another go at getting him. He came here to leave another imprint on the ICW landscape. He came here to have everyone in Dundee, including his opponent, chanting his name in a jaunty wee tune that goes a bit like this…now if ye need tae jot this down a few times to get it, I totally understand. Its a complexed wee ditty, with many verses, in a few different languages too, and it goes a little something like….

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
Drew Galloway…Galloway….


Got it? Sound. Wolfgang was pretending to be in on the sing song, but I wouldnae be entirely shocked if he was stalling for time. It takes a good 10 minutes at least for Drew to lose that “I’m actually gonnae murder your family” look from his coupon, so its best to let that simmer down. When they did get in amongst it. We got some quick pins, some one counts, some two counts, nae three counts yet, but a big leg lariat from Wolfie to take Drew off his feet. A vicious series of chops, counteracted with some Wolfgang uppercuts. A smidgen of decapitation from Drew as he met Wolfgang running the ropes with a HUGE boot to the skull. I mean look at that shit. Its majestic.
10624863_10153309867705620_5820785061162418385_nWolfgang might not think so right enough, but he’s biased on the count of him getting booted in the fuckin face. Oh aye…then Wolfie flew. Cause he has NO REGARD for his safety, or the safety of anyone else in Dundee and thats why I fuckin love the cunt. His dive probably broke Drews nose, and definitely burst the shoulder Stephen the security guy, but it was a moment worth picking up a couple of bodies from cause the shit was BANANAS.

They proceeded to the bar, where they leathered each other off various hard surfaces on the way, before they tapdanced in the key of “smash him” on the bar. Wolfgang blocking an attempt at fuckin….something. I dunno what Drew was planning, but he was looking above his heid to see if he had enough room for it, so I assume it would have been deadly. They made their way back intae ring where it really dialled up the intensity. Drew catching Wolfie with a sitout spinebuster, and Wolfie almost grabbing the win with the Swanton, before more chopping, powerbombling, high grade brawness was brought to an end when BT Gunn meddled and lured Wolfie right intae his Futureshock shaped demise. Drew calls that the Futureshock cause you’ll be shocked at yer future being you eating lentil soup wae a fuckin straw for the rest of yer days. Ya gumsy bastard.

Superb fuckin match. BT and Wolfie take their venomous hatred for each other even further, and a bunch of people chucked beer on Drew at the end up, cause Dundee was here tae get wet and Dundee was here to get weird.

Joe Hendry vs Liam Thomson vs SURPRISE DAR

Joe Hendry had some presents for Liam Thomson and Carmel ahead of their match, and that was nice. He has a special gift for them (christmas gift!) and even though its only October….FUCK IT, they can have it now. They open their boxes to reveal a t-shirt a nd thesaurus, accompanied by a look that said “lets not bother with this wrestling shite tonight boaysies eh?” Surprisingly Carmel was receptive of the idea, although she fired in a few jabs about Joe Hendry being unable to work, and that his reasoning behind the niceness might be cause he’s shite feart of having his arse booted by Liam, but there was nae chance these two were climbing in that ring and not actually having a wrestle. None of yer Edinburgh Alliance pish, not while SUPRISE NOAM DAR is hanging about backstage in his pants ready to mix it up. He comes out to an epic pop (in my troosers) before also firing a wee dig at Joe’s workmanship, then on to question Liam Thomsons manhood, considering the fact that Carmel keeps his baws in a jar, and a man without baws…is not longer man. The patter remained fierce, before Thomson re-attached his sack and a motherfuckin triple threat match broke out!

Dar went flying at fuckin everycunt. Taking both Thomson and Hendry to the outside, before hitting a lovely wee dive on Joe Hendry as he dwelled in the corner. Take a look at Davey Wilsons photo of it. Its dead good.

There was some suplex antics, which Joe ended with a suplex on Liam Thomson, before Dar got tae dropkicking and diving all over the fuckin shop. Hendry managed to get himself in the ascendancy with the DDT, before Thomson hit a Backcracker, and Carmel rounded it all off by DDT’ing Joe Hendry. She was heavily involved in all the scoop slamming antics anaw, as everyone seemed to get a shoot of scooping everyone else, before Thomson went and scoop slammed is own burd! I think. Thats how I remember it anyway, there was definitely some domestic violence in there. Then we got to a pretty unique finish for a triple threat, as Hendry was on the verse of tapping to the Champagne Superkneebar, Liam Thomson jumped in and locked on the Crossface and there we had Joe tapping out to TWO submission holds. Call it a draw and head hame boaysies. Finish this yin off in Birmingham. It makes sense.

Kenny Williams vs Kid Fite (ICW Zero-G Title Match) 

The baws vs the bollocks. Trainer vs trainee. Daniel san vs Da Fito. Mr Miyagi vs The Bollocks. Ye know the score. Kenny pulled his baws out early and that was a mistake, cause Fito grabbed the fuckers, remarked on how beautifully smooth they were, before ripping them af and tossing them in the crowd. Then telling Kenny “here mate…that bleedin” like the cheeky swine he is. Of course its fuckin bleedin mate, ye ripped the cunts baws aff. Fito hit that beauty of a snap suplex he does, before Kenny went tonto. Busting out that through the middle rope dropkick to Fito on the outside followed by the suicide dive. A flying elbow from Kenny connected, before Fito hung Kenny in the ropes wae his legs up on the middle rope, and delivered a sickening dropkick to the fleshy patch where his nuts used to be; before flinging the bollocks towards the corner with that powerbomb Fito does, followed by a beauty of a sitout powerbomb. Predictably stoatin match, brought to an end by a simple wee finish, as Kenny rolled through intae a bridging rollup to seal the win and hold on to the gold.

Its gonnae take something a wee bit different to take that belt aff Kenny. Something a bit innovative. Even going up against the guy who taught him everything he knows, and the guy who ripped his baws clean aff 2 minutes into the match, he still held on. Tremendous entertainment. Wicked gid fun. Hooray for testicles. 

Jack Jester vs Grado (ICW Title Match)

Maybe the most surprising match since I started going to ICW. Not because I expected it to be shite. Far from it. It just told an entirely different story from the one I expected. I expected Grado to be leathered convincingly, to the point that Drew decides tae intervene incase a corkscrew shaped hole is left in his mortal soul, but instead Grado came within a fuckin whisper of the gold so many times. It was impossible not to get drawn in. They left fuckin everything in that ring. It had the usual fare from both, but presented in a neat, tremendously engaging wee baw of wrestling goodness. The shake, rattle and rolling antics, and the Jester taking it to the bar are things we see often, but it was fuckin..I dunno, DIFFERENT. It meant more. The apron legdrop was a bit more sare looking. The roll and slice felt like it might actually bring Grado the win for some reason. Jesters splashes in the corner had a bit more torque behind them. Jester hit a fuckin superplex for christ sake. Then it got to the time…the time where for a second….at least a moment…it felt like Grados time.

F5 on the chair…..NAE DICE. How the fuck did that no put him away? Roll and slice on the chair….NOPE. Fuck sake…whit else is there? Ocht aye…of course, how can we forget the ROCK BOTTOM ON THE CHAIR….1…2…NAW. Fuck me. The sweats pishin aff me just thinking back on it, and it happened a week ago now, but Grado got desperate. Like every other cunt who’s been laid to rest by Jester he went up top, got caught and got tombstoned intae another dimension. Jester retains, but what a beautiful story they two told. Folk who dont think Grado can wrestle dont understand what wrestling is. It’s about making people fucking feel things, and Grado does that better than anyone probably. 

The night ended with a wee blast of AW FUCK IS IT REALLY HAPPENING? Before it didnae happen at all. Jester and Galloway faced off and decided FUCK waiting till the Barras. This shit was going down right here in Dundee, before they were told “naw lads…..naw it fuckin isnae”

Polo and Coach trip wandered about asking folk how many unregistered fingers they had on each hand at some point tae, I cannae remember when exactly. Somewhere in the second half though. Aye…wrestling.

1 thought on “ICW – SGT Wolfgangs Lonely Hearts Club Band Review (DUNDEE)

  1. Pingback: ICW Fear and Loathing 7 Preview (BARROWLANDS – GLESGA – YASS) |

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