ICW – Lucy In The Sky With Divers Review (LEEDS)

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Naming a show after Divers means Divers should be honoured eh? Makes sense. Renfrew thought the same. So Renfrew brought Johnny Moss out to knock the living shite out him. Nae show named after Dickie Divers would feel right without Dickie Divers taking some sare as fuck bumps. It just wouldn’t make sense…..the perfect way to round off a weekender if I don’t say so myself. In the heart…or eh….some part of Yorkshire. Fuck knows. Definitely Yorkshire anyway.

Dickie Divers vs Johnny Moss

Ach you’ve got to give Divers his due. Even under intense pressure (and by pressure, I mean getting dropped on his fuckin heid…a lot) he kept coming at Mossy. Even when he was being pressured tae “get back in that ring n git uhm Divers!” he never wavered from the gameplan. That gameplan was simple. Make it out alive….somehow.

Mossy kicked off with some vicious chopping, then he slung Divers over his napper, straight into the atlantic ocean. Drowned. Deid. Nah I jest, he did keep battering him though. Slinging him off barriers. German Suplex throwing him on the ground, then doing the same up the top rope. Divers celebrated a show being named after him, by taking heavy bumps. It was strangely poetic. Took a belly to belly on the ramp tae that burst his shoulder, but he did have his moments, and he looked fuckin shocked when they occurred, but it wasnt his day. Poor Divers. Mossy put the match to bed by twisting Divers heid aff his shoulders and punting it as far as the eye could see. And with that, Lucy In The Sky With Divers had begun.

Kenny Williams vs Stevie Boy (ICW Zero-G Title Match)

As entertaining as the triple threat with Danny Hope was, we needed this. These two have styles born to mesh together. A right pair of flippy, fast paced, storytelling belters. I had nae idea this was happening until it smacked me in the face at the show itself, and I am more than happy to have been smacked. It’s a smacking I’d take over and over, and I’d lap up each smacking…here this is gettin a bit kinky. Lets stop that there eh. Intae the wrasslin!

They started quick, got quicker, then got so fast, they both exploded intae wee bits. Before exploding, Kenny managed that baseball slide dropkick/suicide dive combination. before Stevie hit a standing shootin star press. Really good shit fae both. Its a pure shame they had to explode man. I’ll never forget the look on The Wee Mans face as he scooped wee bits of Stevie’s skull into a polly bag, and contemplated if he’s maybe get done for murder for trying to pawn it. Anyway, more pre explosion wrasslin, as a double crossbody was followed by yon rebound aff the middle rope clothesline Kenny does, which I cry the “Ambroseline” cause Dean Ambrose does it and its heavy witty patter. Kenny hit that springboard back elbow, and Stevie struck his poor jaw with a superkick, before they both got sucked intae a cyclone, where Kenny hit the Quiff Buster (Satellite DDT) for the win. THEN they exploded. 

Nice wee handshake between the boaysies anaw. Cannae beat a good bit of sportsmanship can ye? I really cannot properly express my sorrow that they both exploded. They both had so much more to give.

Haw haw! had ye going there ye. Both Stevie Boy and Kenny Williams are still very much alive. People generally don’t explode. If they did it would be really sore. Probably fatal. 

Jack Gallagher vs Darkside

This is why I loved Leeds personally. A wee gem of a match like this can happen, and naecunt’s really talking about it. Feels like our wee secret. Did it really happen? Did they start with all sorts of silky mat maneuvers, the specifics of which I cannae remember? Did Jack Gallagher make a lewd comment towards a hysterical member of the audience? Did Darkside hit a pair of German Suplexes? Did they scud each other off some barriers? Fuck knows. It was two weeks ago man. I cannae remember what happened two fuckin minutes ago never mind 2 weeks ago. Nah I jest. All that stuff happened and it was all a real good time. Would recommend to a pal.

Some corner dropkicks, and that flying shoulderblock Jack Gallagher does had him right in the drivers seat, but Darkside swung him about in the DDT position before locking in that Triangle Choke for the win. Everyone knows what the motto is. Eat, Sleep, Choke…..thats it. Don’t choke again. One choke is almost always sufficient if ye do it right. Seriously though. Darkside won, and Jack Gallagher remains winless in ICW. A right shame, because he’s a technical maestro and one of my top 5 favourite gingers from the Manchester area. Unless the Weasley family are fae Manchester, but even then, he’s still top 10.

PAUL LANDAN

Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs The Sumerian Death Squad (ICW Tag Title Match)

Leeds was good. I liked Leeds. It had plenty of braw matches throughout, and this match was a thing of beauty. Two of the best tag teams currently lacing up their boots and kicking people in the fuckin head right now. A bit of a dream match. Leeds had the pleasure of hosting it. That makes Leeds awrite. Leeds as a city is also awrite by me, cause when I was stoating about with the “Kenny is the bollocks” top on. A lot of folk looked at it and laughed. So Leeds is a city that finds the word “bollocks” funny and thats neat.

Paul London was wearing white trunks, which apparently made him an angel. The thing about Tommy End is, he likes kicking angels in the heid. I don’t know if that makes him the devil, or an associate of the devil, or even just a bad mamma jamma, but the point is. He kicked both Brian Kendrick and Paul London quite a lot. Started off with a lovely wee exchange with Brian Kendrick. Some near falls, some flippy shit where the other guy lands on his feet. Good wrestling ma man. Cannae beat it. Then Paul London entered the fray, and I’ll no lie tae ye, he did look kinda saintly. Check this shit out.

PL

 

Yer man fuckin WORKED big Dante tae. Atomic drop, inverted no less. Spinning heel kick, and a hurricanrana took the big barra aff his feet. Brian Kendrick hit a suicide dive on Tommy End, and it was the first time a suicide dive has lived up tae its name, cause Tommy knocked the living fuck out of him after that. Paul London hit a double dropkick too at some point. He flies about and kicks folk in a beautiful cohesive manner. Its quite magnificent. Spanky is fair decent at his stuff tae. Its nice having them here. Lets all chuck a tenner into a big bowler hat, and see if we can get enough tae keep them here forever. Just enough for a 4 bedroom house. A bedroom for Tommy End and Dante anaw. They can all live together in a mutually respectful wrasslin superhouse, where everyone gets stoned and chops each other till one thing or the other makes ye unable to feel feelings in yer chest. Aye so…they kept wrestling. Should probably mention that some more eh.

They battled near the bar. Paul London got chucked intae a wall and Connie’s heid popped aff. Apparently Brian Kendrick was placed on someones wheelchair and scudded in the chest a lot anaw. I have no recollection of this, but here’s a nice photo of it that also captures the nailer of a tattoo on Tommy Ends thigh. I’m no big on looking at and admiring other dudes thighs, but he’s rocking that ink mate.

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Dante and Tommy had Kendrick isolated for a fair while, but Kendrick rallied eventually and Paul London got that hot tag. The hottest. Flying double dropkick, fuckin weeeeee. I don’t like to clutter these things with hunners of photos, but David J Wilsons work is always braw and this tells the story a lot better than my words could. Look at this shit. Yer man caught so much hang time.

Pual London

 

Anyway. Picture time is over. The match had a finish and everything. Lets say things about that. London delivered another rana, this time to Tommy End, before going up top and recieving a scud missile in the form of Tommy Ends boot to the back of his skull. We were nearing the grand finale to this smashin exhibition of tag goodness. Sliced bread followed by the Shooting Star Press  brought a two count for the champs, before everyone kicked everyone else in the heid a lot, but at the second attempt the Sliced Bread/Shooting Star Press combo got the job done. London and Kendrick retained. Of course yees know that, cause it was fuckin ages ago, but there ye go. 

You’d think that was it eh? Everyone can go up the road happy with seeing one of the most entertaining tag matches you’ll see anywhere. Not while the NAK fuckin…exist. They exist to kill. The Sumerian Death Squad also exist to kill, but the difference is theres only two of them. The NAK have four, and one of them is the wrestling swiss army knife known as “Divers” so they decimated big Dante whilst he was tied up in the ropes, and battered Tommy End with a chair. Multiple chairs. A claw hammer. A pen knife. Some lit cigars. Everything they could find. Tortured his mortal soul. They’ll settle it at Fear and Loathing. It’ll be violent. I suggest you be there. Baws oot. Wave them aboot.

Grado vs Jackie Polo

Another match I genuinely had nae idea was happening. Sometimes having a really shite phone and struggling to get social media access when ye’ve nae laptop is a blessing eh. A wee jolt of “yassss” overcame me cause this is a singles match I’ve never seen, despite Polo’s “I made Grado patter” being an ICW staple since I started going. Genuinely had nae idea what he meant by that for ages. Did he mould him outta plastercine, and the wee hard edges bits aff a square sausage? Did he actually clone Big Daddy but stopped the process midway through, and oot came Medium Daddy. Fuck knows. I assume its something to do with him being the perfect villain to go up against Grados overwhelming good cunt-ness. Anyway, they had yer classic good guy vs bad-gun fare. It was a laugh riot. Mon we’ll chat about it a bit.

Shakes, rattles, rolls. Polo falls to the outside. Stricken, battered, dejected. Grado drags him about and encourages folk to chop him. Assault and battery. Jackie immediately gets them lifted, and the match is declared a DQ win for Polo. Nah I’m pulling yer dick! It went on. Jackie Polo performed his favourite wrestling maneuver, the scoop slam, followed by a chinbreaker, before Grado hit the Electric Chair Drop. For those not familiar with wrestling, thats when one wrestler climbs up tae the balcony, pulls an electric chair out his back pocket and drops it on his opponent. Killing him instantly. Picture below

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Grado hit yon high backdrop that he does tae, as he moseyed along towards what looked like a surprisingly easy win. After a rough tour, it was gonnae be a much-needed taste of victory, and he blootered Polo’s baws with the Atomic Drop, before hitting the Roll and Slice and setting Polo up for one of his many finishers. Finisher daft int he? Or he wis, until yer man Coach Trip came out, blew a big whistle, and Polo rolled Grado up with his feet hanging aff the tap rope for the 1-2-3. I suppose you could say (if ye had shite patter) that Coach Trip “blew the whistle” on Grado’s chances of victory. Haw haw. Belter.

Polo and Coach Trip decided it would be a good idea tae fling Grado about for a bit. Not content with their unlawful victory, but Grado leathered them both with some smooth jabs. Sending the Leeds crowd into raptures. Might be exaggerating a bit there like, but who the fucks gonnae care? this was 18 days ago or suhin. Its no like anycunt remembers. Fantastic. Wee bitta Mark Coffey now aye?

Mark Coffey vs Sha Samuels

Fuckin Sha Samuels. Imagine having the stones to align himself to the great Polo Promotions brand; taking all the tutelage and comradery that comes with being in cahoots with a couple of world-class athletes like Jackie Polo and Mark Coffey, and then he chucks it right back in their faces. It takes an absolute swine to be capable of such uncouth behaviour if ye ask me. Stoating out in front of the Leeds crowd like he fuckin owns the place, calling out Mark Coffey. I’m Mark Coffey daft at the best of times, but now? Dial it up a hunner notches against this swine. Fuckin EAST EAST EAST end ah Glesga ya clown (nae idea what part of Glesga Mark Coffey’s fae btw, but we’ll kid on its the east for the purpose of the patter) aye so..they also done some wrestling…

An exchange of forearms happened. Mark Coffeys of course hitting the mark with unerring perfection. Spose Sha’s ones were awrite aswell. Coffey took a hard whip into the barrier after they exchanged chops on the outside, before they got back intae the thick of it, where Mark Coffey proved his technical superiority (I really dunno where I’m going wae this patter, Sha Samuels is really big, and he’s in Glesga on Sunday for F n L…only kidding big man, yer really good at wrestling and that, dont heider me) A standing dropkick, followed by that beautiful lariat oor Mark does had Sha on the ropes. Followed by a suplex. It was all Coffey. All day. Nae tea. Stick yer tea up yer dick. Bridging belly to back suplex after that. Setting up for the pumphandle. Nae sweat. Big Sha busted out a huge spinebuster though. Thats the thing about wrestling guys that are bigger than ye, they sometimes hit big spinebusters and you’re lit that “fair play big yin, that was sare” . They completely re-enacted the finish from the Grado match the night before tae, as Sha pulled The Vigilante in close, bit his earlobe, and scudded Coffey in the baws while the ref tending to the lovebite on his lug. Big elevated Pedigree after that and Sha had clocked up another ICW win. Over my favourite cunt anaw. Its like Sha was sent here to destroy my hopes and dreams, and I kinda love him for it. Genuinely looking forward to swearing at him at Fear and Loathing, cause he’s a big bad heel, and I’m a sweaty mark bastard, and THIS IS WHAT WE DOOOO.

Another match where Mark Coffey played the goodie though. Hinting at a turn, but then he comes out wae Jackie Polo and is his usual heel self. Fuck knows what the score is there. Will the Prince of the Pumphandle, become the Peoples Prince of the Pumphandle? Will that name ever catch on? Alliteration is fun. Wrestling is fun. 

Rampage Brown vs Kid Fite

Thunderous ovation for the big man. Biggest pop of the night, and that says a great deal, cause Grado and Drew got their customary earth moving reactions when they came out, but nah. Leeds made Rampage Brown, and Rampage Brown isnae a man who’s likely to forget that. He was in Leeds for two reasons. First and foremost, to burst anything between 1 and 15 of Kid Fites ribs, and secondly, even the fuckin score. It was as engaging as the Newcastle match, but a wee bit shorter. Rampage done his best to toss Fito about like wet washin, but once again the baw brandisher had an answer to everything. Scudding the big man with a vicious kick aff the apron. Fito made the silly mistake of attempting to his a crossbody on Rampage from the apron, and thats just no thinking straight is it. Its like when Rey Mysterio tries that shit on The Big Show, or anyone else over 5 fit 2, he’s gonnae get caught, and he’s gonnae get flung intae a big tv truck. Or in this case, Rampage settled for tossing Fito back into the ring. Thats where he causes 90% of his damage anyway. The other 10% being STREET JUSTICE. Aye so….wrestling.

They made their way back outside, where Fito found himself on the sare end of someones crutch. I honestly didnae think that was a real thing. People having crutches at the wrestling, and wrestlers using them as maiming devices. I thought it wis one of they things ye hear folk talk about but never see. Like Gary Lineker’s chin, or a Rangers fan without a unibrow. Seriously though, after some vicious tossing of each other into some barriers, we got back intae the ring, where Kid Fite was looking fuckin SHARP son. Hit that mad dropkick in the corner he does, where he gets at least 70-80 feet in the air. It all looked rosy for our Fito…then something happened…something….sare. Rampage Brown is probably not Rampage’s real name ye know? Something had to happen for that name to be born. Like one day he had an argument wae a bus driver, and instead of getting angry and punching fuck out the driver, he punched fuck out the bus itself. Gorilla pressed a double-decker of his heid and chucked it towards the Pacific Ocean. This wasnt quite as impressive as that, but he finished Fito off in style. Near decapitating him with a huge flying boot, before finishing the job with a Samoan Drop, followed by that skull shattering piledriver. 

Another belter of a match from Fito on this tour though. He’s worked with 4 wrestlers with entirely different styles on this tour and brought the very best out in all of them. Rampage challenged him to one more match, and of course Fito accepted, cause he’s got a huge set of meaty clackers, and he isnae fear tae wave them about. Smashing pair of matches though. I know I gibber on about him often, but more Rampage please. Aw the fuckin time. Cunt was tailor made for ICW.

Jack Jester and Drew Galloway vs BT Gunn and Wolfgang

This was less wrestling match, more episode of Jeremy Kyle intertwined wae fighting, and spitting on people…naw wait, thats just a normal episode of Jeremy Kyle eh? Incredibly mediocre patter aside, Wolfgang set the tone for this by climbing the ropes and telling Mark Dallas (who was overseeing the match from the commentary booth, whilst tanning tramadol and spewing up the remnants of his spleen from the night before) this wis a fuckin stupid idea. Of course its a stupid idea, that’s what makes it so fuckin interesting. BT Gunn has attempted to murder Wolfgang on 3 or 4 occasions, and Wolfgang once flung BT Gunn 30 feet aff a balcony. Thats not a pair of cousins that can co-exist right there. One of my cousins hit my thumb wae a fitbaw when I was about 10, accidentally fractured it, and I huvnae spoke tae the cunt since. Imagine what attempted murder does tae the cousin relationship? Horrid things. As for Drew and Jester, they seem to keep making each other bleed, or at the very least wince. Its fuck all personal Jack, Drew just needs that belt aff ye. Then again, if ye try to take it, he might set ye on fire. Its a tough call really eh? You can either have a belt, or you can have the top layer of yer skin. Pick your suhin.

Wrestling happened. Some of it was wrestling anyway. BT Gunn and Wolfie were the first to show friction in their team, with some rather ‘forceful’ tags, and BT taking a swig of someones beer, and pretty much spitting a tenner in Wolfies face (fuckin 02 Academy man….I ordered a tap water and bottle ah bud, n got laughed at when I handed over a score note..had tae gie the cunt my gutties as collateral cause I’d already took a sip of the beer) Drew and BT had another magnificent exchange, with Drew calling BT a “son of a biiiiitch” as he chopped fuck out him. Drew vs BT was just the most beautiful thing. I suggest you get the On Demand thing when it launches, and gently masturbate yersell intae oblivion to that match. Or ye know…just watch it. Jester and Drew then has a wee suplex competition, before Wolfgang asked BT if it was awrite if he borrowed him for a minute. I dont think he waited for an answer tbh, but he picked up BT and flung him at Drew and Jester on the outside anyway. Must’ve been family intution eh. He just knew BT was awrite wae it. Blood brothers n that. Wolfie then went for another wee dive, because he quite genuinely disnae gie a fuck about his welfare, or the welfare of others. Look at this face he’s pulling after he jumped on everyone. If that disnae say “I seriously dont gie a fuck” I don’t know what does.

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No gien a fuckery aside, they leathered each other at the bar for a bit. Jester hit the elbow drop off the bar on Wolfgang. Wolfgang got tossed over the bar anaw. BT Gunn got scudded over the dome with some kind of ice receptacle. The crutch came into play again. Everyone died I think. I’m no sure. There were chops. BT Gunn and Drew must’ve chopped each others lungs clean out man. Nae danger. Suddenly we were back in the ring, and suddenly it looked like Wolfie might actually bring this match to a natural conclusion, as Drew looked like walking away, Wolfie hit the running Powerslam and the Swanton, looking like the win was in the bag, but Drew broke up the pin. Know why? The only thing more important than the demise of Jack Jester to Drew Galloway is victory mate. Hoat tag. BT vs Drew. Here we go.

Superkick dislodged Drews jaw after he smashed BT in the corner for a bit. Superkick daft. Drew hit that flying big boot, followed by the Alabama Slam pulling BT off the ropes, before Jester hit the elevated pedigree thing he uses, and it all looked hunky dory between a pair of guys who’ve spent the past fuckin…I dunno ages, trying to kill each other. Of course, its never that simple. WHAM. Huge boot to the chops from Drew to Jester. Accidentally of course. He would NEVER do that to his tag partner on purpose. Course no. That would be madness. Of course a full blown rammy ensued, after Wolfie nailed BT with a spear and the whole thing broke down in a similar fashion to the Liverpool show. This time we had the added slice of hilarity of Paul London stoatin aboot, looking a bit stoned, and seriously amused by everyone in the locker room smashing each other tae fuck.

Dallas apologised to the crowd for the night ending in chaos, and that was that. ICW owner Mark Dallas apologising for chaos is a bit like Vince Mcmahon apologising for shoehorning arsehole celebrities on tae RAW. Its the norm mate. Dont worry about it.

Leeds was awrite. Love yous x

Credit to David J Wilson for the smashing photies as per x

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One thought on “ICW – Lucy In The Sky With Divers Review (LEEDS)

  1. Pingback: ICW Fear and Loathing 7 Preview (BARROWLANDS – GLESGA – YASS) |

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