Nah. It’s not this Sunday. Fuck off.
This Sunday as in the Sunday that’s 3 days from now? Yer having a fuckin laugh mate. Nae chance Lance. Nae danger stranger. Nae threat….Bete (Noire). Nope. Its ages away. It’s always been ages away, so that means it remains ages away until enough time elapses to make it not ages away. Theres still the Magical Myste….naw wait. That fuckin happened I’m sure. Well if it didn’t writing all these words about Newcastle, Dundee, Liverpool, Leeds and Birmingham was an exercise in futility eh? Aw jesus fuck. If the tour’s done then it might actually be….I think it actually is…awwwww jesus fuck…
ITS THIS SUNDAY!
Why did naecunt tell me man? I’m no prepared. I was gonnae get new Timbys, a new Ben Sherman shirt, a nice Helly Hansen kagoul, some sovereign rings, a new chain….I was gonnae be shining brighter than the fuckin sun at this show. Now you’re telling me it’s in THREE FUCKIN DAYS. Oh god. I’m not ready. It’s gonnae be biblical. I don’t believe in god, but we should all read the bible. At least a page each. Get the fear of god in ye, cause ICW are gonnae tear The Barrowlands, and the city of Glasgow to the fuckin ground. CAN YOUUUUUUU DIG ITTTTTT?
Sorry. I’m excited. You should be too. It’s the biggest show in ICWs history. They sold out The Barrowlands 2 months in advance mate. The Barrowlands. Know the only other artist to do that so quickly? Frank Sinatra. And he had support fae Plan B and Harold Melvin and The Bluenotes that night. Not since the summer of 62 has The Barrowlands saw such a clamour for tickets. The East End of Glesga is going to be set alight, and the flame will be lit by professional wrestling. That thing that taxi driver’s laugh at ye for attending. That thing yer da thinks is daft. Its niche. Its a joke. Unless its WWE, and yer going wae the weans, theres nae excuse to even pay it any attention anymore.
Well fuck that. For one night, its ours. For one night, its THEM that don’t get it. They’re the minority. For one night, I’ll be able to stoat through a city with a t-shirt that says “Kenny is the bollocks” on it and people will look at my bollocks and they’ll give them a knowing wink, and they’ll say “nice bollocks mate” because for one night……ICW RUNS GLASGOW
There are matches announced. They all give me tingles in the baw region. Seriously fearing spontaneous combustion as I write this. The East End was never made to stand forever. Something was always destined to burn it to the ground. This is that thing. This is Fear and Loathing in The Barrowlands…..
Kenny Williams vs Kid Fite vs Big Damo vs Joe Hendry (ICW Zero-G Title Match)
Kenny Williams is a few things in this life of ours. For a start, he’s quick. Quick like a cat. He demonstrates this by flying about daft in at least 99% of the wrestling matches he has. Probably more. Another thing to note about Kenny Williams is…he’s over as fuck. For anyone reading this who may be new to wrestling and has no idea what I mean by “over as fuck” it means, google that shit. I’m no yer maid. Really though, the reactions he’s had since pretty much day one of his ICW tenure have been fucking….unreal. Since the switch to the Marty Mcfly thing, folk have actually started throwing their underwear at him when he comes out for his matches, and at least a quarter of those people are actual real life females. Last but not least, Kenny Williams is game as fuck. He took on all comers during the Magical Mystery Tour and cemented himself as a worthy champion. Beating ‘Party’ Marty Scurll, Kid Fite, Stevie Boy (twice) and Danny Hope. Now he faces the same challenge he had to overcome to earn his title shot in the first place, but the game’s changed a wee bit. Cause ye see…he wasnt the only one involved in this match that had a good time on the tour…
Kid Fite has had arguably his strongest singles run in ICW to date during the tour, working with incredibly different opponents in Rampage Brown (twice), Kenny, Jack Gallagher and Joe Coffey, and bringing out the best in them. He ran Kenny closer than anyone else did on the tour as well, continually outsmarting his protege, before being one upped at the finish when Kenny sneaked it with a bridging rollup. You wouldn’t describe Fito as a high-flyer, but he gets about 90 feet in the air when he does that dropkick in the corner, so he’s about as Zero-G as anycunt. Damo is fresh off the back of what was joint match of the tour imo, when he battled Dave Mastiff in Birmingham, and whilst a guy that’s 22 stone wouldn’t usually be considered a high flyer, VAN-DAMO-NATOR says different. That beard is an anti-gravity forcefield and the toe end of Damo’s boot is a dentist, specialising in tooth removal and pain relief (well ye cannae feel any pain if yer knocked clean oot…) Then…there’s Joe Hendry….
Our Joe is a special talent. Someone with the potential to go to the very top. His adaptability and charisma are huge assets and he seems to “get” it. He knows what it takes to get noticed. The big problem with Joe right now is…he keeps losing wrestling matches. A pretty vital facet of this wrestling shit, is winning matches mate. If yer gonnae take home both the titles, the Heavyweight and The Zero-G. Ye should probably stop getting yer baws toed. Two losses to YumYum, one to Stevie Boy, a remarkable double loss to Noam Dar and Liam Thomson, and of course, a loss when this match took place at 1.21 Gigawatts. He’s striking out, and he had a right good greet all over Birmingham about it, but this is nae ordinary event. This is a new dawn. This is a chance for Joe Hendry to be re-born. A chance for him to shove their fuckin taunts down their throats, and find love in Joe Hendrys face again.
I’m gonnae go with an outlandish prediction here and predict that SURPRISE CM PUN….nah I jest. Kenny will probably retain.
Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar (Deciding Match In Best Of 5 Series)
This isnae fair. These are my guys. Everyone knows this. I’ve been sooking up Mark Coffeys arse a bit lately admittedly, but thats awrite cause does good work and it brings me much joy, but these are my guys. It was easy to pick a side before, cause it wisnae decisive. If Noam needed a win to keep the series going, we go wae Noam, if Joe had been looking a bit sad when we have our Wednesday game of badminton and needed a pick me up, side wae Joe. Simple as cake. A piece of pie. Easy. Now? Nah. I cannae chose. So I’m no gonnae…
Instead, lets all revel in what will most certainly be the best match of the series between these two. All 4 so far have been fucking wonderful. I’d say Edinburgh probably has the edge as my favourite of the 4, but you couldn’t fault a second of the wrestling in this feud. The reason for that is…its between two fucking brilliant wrestlers. Two of the best walking the earth, and if ye think that’s biased? Yer reading the wrong preview mate. This is a piece of writing designed to induce erections and/or wideys, and its designed to report cold hard facts. Noam Dar and Joe Coffey being two of the best in the world at what they do is scientific fact. They done a survey based on the effectiveness of wristlocks, and reluctance to use weapons, and guess whit? These two came out on top. Good, honest, clean professional wrestling. The Iron Man vs Superjew. I’m gonnae park my big arse on the fence here, because this is like Sophie’s choice (it’s also actually Sophie’s choice, cause my pal Sophie loves them both anaw) it cannot be done, and it wont be done. Naw in fact I dae have a prediction. Changed my mind completely.
My prediction for this is…WRESTLING
Stevie Boy and Kay Lee Ray vs Liam Thomson and Carmel Jacob
One of the greatest rivalries in Scottish Wrestling history has to be represented at the biggest show in Scottish Wrestling history eh. Would be fuckin weird if it wisnae. They might be pals in Fierce Females, but in ICW, Carmel and Kay Lee still fuckin hate each other, and the Barrowlands will be the setting for their most intense scrap yet. Must admit, it’s a bit surprising that we’ve not seen them have a singles match since Dave’s Not Here Man over a year ago, but getting to see them lock horns alongside their menfolk has been braw tae. Stevie and Liam Thomson also have history from the Buckys vs Fight Club days, and the matches are uptae their eyeballs in chemistry. Proper mixed tag action tae, because the menfolk fight the wimmin folk. Why wouldn’t they? Guys hittin burds is unacceptable like, but this is wrestling. Triple H shagged a deid body. BT Gunn took a pair of scissors tae a pregnant lassie. Kay Lee and Carmel are harder than 90% of men on the planet anyway, and the other 10% of men is Brock Lesnar.
I reckon this will have some groundbreaking shit. Or at the very least something that’ll shock ye. Davie Blaze has been fit to wrestle for a while now, so why else would he have been kept aff the Magical Mystery Tour unless there was a grand return planned? Imagine the scene. Kid Fite runs in tae turn heel and rejoin Liam Thomson, the three of them are knocking the shite oot of Stevie and Kay Lee, Buckys music hits…DAVIE BOY. Rushes out. Wide eyed, and veiny. The Barrowlands Batista. Here tae save his best mate, and his burd. A hero amongst men. We assume its gonnae turn into a 3 on 3 match…. then he SPEARS HIS COUSIN IN FUCKIN HAUF. Lights out. Game’s a snotter. The start of the greatest ned vs ned feud since Wee Davie Shannon caught his pal Stevie “the slicer” Todd pumpin his burd up the tap ae the high flats in Possil. I don’t think they’ll do a Davie heel turn, but I do think he’ll be involved somewhere. If you’d to push me for a prediction (although please dont, pushing makes people faw doon) I’d have to go with Stevie and Kay Lee, for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Grado vs Sha Samuels
I try not to appear biased in these ‘articles’. Obviously I have leanings. Like my boaby leaning to the left and twitching uncontrollably whenever anything wae Carol Smilie’s on the tele. Wrestling wise, there’s favourites, but journalistic integrity wins out. Ye need tae be balanced, and report the facts, whilst seamlessly meshing those facts with jokes about private parts, and gratuitous swearing. So throughout this preview, I’ll be attempting to stay neutral. Keep it middle of the road, and keep it funky. The usual story. Aye….saying that is one thing mate. Saying it means a lot. Saying this means a lot tae…….
GRADO’S GONNAE KILL YE…GRADO’S GONNAE KILL YE…GRAAAAAADO…GRAAAAADO… GRAAAAAAAAADO.
Fuck Sha Samuels. Big cheatin bastard so he is. Cuttin about wae braces and nae shirt like a schemey I.R.S. Whit kinda butcher wears fuck all but pants, braces and a scarf anyway? Cunt looks like he does the accounts for the Millwall Mad Sqwad. I hear Grado’s been scoffing Fray Bentos mince rounds by the hour in preparation. That might sound irresponsibly delicious, but if Grado wis Popeye, mince rounds would be his spinach. Sha Samuels is gettin BURST.
I jest. Sha Samuels is fuckin excellent. One of the best old school heels in Britain. He makes me dislike him, and in an era where its cool to love aw the heels and boo the bad guys, that’s a rare thing. That might just mean I’m not very cool right enough, but that cannae be true. My trainers light up when I jump about the toon daein ma parkour, so I’m the coolest cunt breathing air. Sha vs Grado have had two of the best old school goodie vs baddie matches as I’ve seen in years in their matches in Liverpool and London, so its only right that ICWs home gets tae experience it. I fancy Grado to win, because if he disnae WE RIOT.
Paul London and Brian Kendrick (c) vs Polo Promotions (ICW Tag Title Match)
Paul London and Brian Kendrick are far too sound to go hame. We cannot let it happen. I’ve devised a plan to keep them in the country. Part one is welding the ICW Tag Title Belts to their waists, so even if they drop them in this match, or any other, they never actually drop them. How can ye drop something that’s welded to your body? Not possible. Thats why Abs fae 5ive never went solo, cause all they other diddies are welded tae him by the hip. The second part is everyone chucking a fiver in a bucket and we hope that its enough between us to purchase them a nice wee bungalow in Glesga. Nothing fancy. They don’t seem like fancy dudes anyway. Simple, clean, a room for smoking and listening tae auld obscure records. A room for consuming cake. A room saying the word “parallelogram” cause its fun to say. A purpose-built fun house, where they can live out there rest of their days working for ICW and being sound as fuck.
They do have to go at some point. Probably got families and shit. Selfish bastards. Before they do, they’re gonnae get some challengers coming at them for the straps. This match is probably the only natural match left in ICW for them and Polo Promotions earned the chance after overcoming the iconic collective known as Team Irn-Bollocks (Grado and Kenny) so this is Rockers vs The Heart Foundation shit. This was inevitable. Mark Coffey looks fuckin weird without a belt. We’ve established this. Jackie Polo has enough arrogance and swagger to wear a belt well anaw. They’d be natural champs. I don’t think its time yet though. I think there’s one last grand defence in Londrick, but Polo Promotions will run them close. Pumphandles will be dished out, slams will be scooped (Jackie Polo’s favourite wrestling maneuver) and near falls will occur, but I fancy London and Kendrick to retain. It’s the biggest show in wrestling history (aye I dropped the “Scottish” out of that sentence, cause fuck it…it’s never been bigger has it? fuck her Hogan vs Andre, and yer Rocky Maivia’s vs yer Steve Austins) so I expect some outlandish shit from Paul London tae. Maybe a shooting star press off the top of Bairds Bar, or he does his Intrepid Traveller entrance through Bridgeton and gets asked by everyone he passes “where d’ye get the loyalist regalia?” cause he’s wearing an orange suit (If Paul London reads this, he’s so no gonnae get that joke…maybe a lot of you wont get it either, I dunno…it wisnae very subtle…or good..)
The match will be smashin. If you had to ask me for a prediction I’d say “Here mate…dont be nosey” but after ye buy me a drink or five, I’d be like that “Want a winch? Paul London and Brian Kendrick’s gonnae win”
The NAK (Chris Renfrew, Dickie Divers and Darkside) vs The Sumerian Death Squad
This match makes me do an audible gulp. Someone’s probably gonnae die eh. Soon as The NAK came out tae decimate The SDS in Leeds I got a wee semi, cause I knew Tommy End and Michael Dante’s quest for retribution would be a violent one. This has organised chaos written all over it and for me will go on to rival all the top class matches these two teams have had with other teams involved, because this time its personal. Tommy End died at the archaic hands of the NAK that night, and Zombie Tommy is coming tae Glesa tae kick Darksides teeth out, glue them tae a baseball bat, then leather Renfrew and Divers wae it. Of course, as much as retribution is a powerful force, The NAK are the most violent collective of hooligans since wee Frodo’s gang in Green Street. They killed Wolfgang twice. Lou King Sharp widnae have been able to sit his standard grades if it wasn’t for Red Lightning saving his skull. The NAK don’t do hauf murders. They’ll consider the fact that Dante and Tommy are walking around to be a personal slight against their ability to maim and they will look to put that right wae some killer boots man.
This could steal the show btw. I’ve stopped short of saying that about everything on the card, cause it gets wanky and repetitive, but its true. There’s a special chemistry between these teams, and even without BT, Darkside and Divers proved how much of a cohesive team they were against the SDS in Liverpool, and Renfrew’s never been better in the ring, so I look forward to the fast paced massacre ahead of us. I fancy The SDS tae win, purely because I think there’s huge success ahead for the NAK in the rest of the night. Part of that potential success is why BT Gunn wont be involved in this match…he’s a wee bit busy ye see…
BT Gunn vs Wolfgang
You’d be forgiven for thinking the only rivalry that matters on Sunday is the one with a shiny belt as the centrepiece of it. You’d be forgiven, but you’d be very very wrong. In fact, I take back the forgiveness entirely. Nae forgiveness for you. If you aren’t very aware of how intense BT Gunn vs Wolfgang has been over the past year, you can get the fuck out. See when ye get out, find the nearest body of water and chuck yersell in it. Sorry, that escalated kinda quickly eh? I take that back. This shit is just so……meaningful, ye know? For me it’s as important as the main event in terms of what the future holds, cause it’s not just going tae end here. They won’t just have the match, then the winner departs, happy with his night’s work. Something’s gonnae happen. Something fuckin big. The match itself has the potential to blow the roof off the place. That’s not hyperbole either. Even though it is. But if any wrestling match ever had enough depth of emotion and passion to literally blow the roof off a building, its BT Gunn vs Wolfgang at Fear and Loathing, in front of a packed Barrowlands. The reason it’ll be so good for me is simple. Trust.
Every wrestling match you’d consider a ‘classic’ definitely has that element involved. Even if the wrestlers involved fucking hate each other, to create a classic, ye need to give up everything you have to the person standing in the opposite corner. The goal is tae form like voltron, and tell a cohesive, beautiful story with scuds to the jaw, suplexes, powerbombs and aw that shit. Friends can have trust, and create brilliant wrestling matches from it, but these cunts are fuckin COUSINS. Blood related. Disnae matter how much they might hate each other, or how butthurt Wolfie might be from the NAK trying tae cave his skull in a few times, blood bonds cannot be broken. That’s what makes moments like Wolfie throwing BT from 30 feet in the air possible. That’s what makes Killer Boots with Wolfies heid wedged in a chair possible. That’s what makes Wolfie throwing BT intae the crowd (he throws the cunt a lot eh?) whilst he’s TIED ROUND HIS NECK BY A DOG COLLAR possible…(had tae put that in caps, cause I struggle to believe it actually happened) and that’s what makes that absolutely hellacious chair shot at the second London show possible, cause they trust each other to do that certifiably mental shit without causing the death of the recipient. I suppose it’s probably some form of loomin maw guilt eh. They know fine well that if they take it too far, they’ll get a clip round the ear aff both of their maws. So lets only throw each other when we think there’s a safe landing there. Lets only hit each other wae chairs on the very hardest part of the skull, and if we’re going to choke each other wae a dog collar, make sure there’s a safe word, and make sure that safe word is “Lubo Moravcik”
Two local boys. Cousins. In this arena. With a feud this meaningful. Even typing about it has my heart having palpitations. I genuinely have no idea how its going to turn out, but if I had to go with my gut feeling, I’d say ITS GONNAE BE FUCKIN BEAUTIFUL, IF YOU DONT HAVE A TICKET, YOU SHOULD CRY ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.
Also, I think Wolfie will lose clean and join the NAK. Fuck knows why.
Jack Jester vs Drew Galloway (ICW Heavyweight Title Match)
It’s finally here. The feud that will define a title reign, and perhaps the future of the company. I like the jokes. I like the patter, but this shit is serious business. This requires no humourous baubles for decoration. This speaks for itself. When Drew Galloway was first released by WWE, everyone was clamouring for him to return. It made sense. ICW has been on the rise for the past 3 years, and is currently at the forefront of a Scottish Wrestling surge, so it makes all the sense in the world that Scotland’s most important wrestling export came home and made a new footprint on the company he left a 6 foot 6, ridiculously athletic hole in when he left 7 years ago. When he returned, it looked like he was there to save his best pal. Jack Jester was at the mercy of The New Age Kliq, and undoubtedly he was gonnae drop the belt. It was a 4 on 1 ambush, and once they were finished caving Jester’s skull in, Renfrew would undoubtedly have cashed in. Drew had other ideas, as he cleared the bad guys the fuck out single-handedly, and had a right good cuddle with his auld pal Jack. It was all hunky dory so it wis. Pals for life. Maybe Jester would give Drew a shot at the belt down the line, out of respect, but the match will have been one of those handshake before and after jobs. All smiles and mutual respect. That was until Drews face changed, and Jester wound up flat on his back.
When a man refers to you by your real name in a wrestling context, it means he’s serious. When Drew told “Lee” to stay down. He should’ve took heed. He didnae, and Drew flung him off the stage through two tables. Unfortunate that it had to happen, but at the same time, it’s the most fortunate thing that could’ve happened, because the real Jack Jester had been woken the fuck up, and he’s been on a violent tear since. Having some of his best matches as champ against Grado, Liam Thomson and Damo, and going to war once more with Jimmy Havoc. Jack Jester without a gratuitously violent mean streak just isnae the same guy. Have yer quirky “Jack Jester…Jack Jester…Jack Jesterrrr” chants, but don’t try to turn him into something he’s not. Jack Jester isnae a cuddly fan favourite, fans favoured him in the first place because he’s prepared to take risks, and put his welfare on the line in ways that only a select few can can claim to be. If he’s going to overcome with 6 foot 6 monster determined to dismantle his jaw and prize that belt from him after over a year of having it, he’s probably going to have to go to a place that even he hasn’t gone to before. The point of no return.
I genuinely have no idea about the outcome for this. Everything seems too obvious if that makes sense. So fuck knows. All I know its that it has far too many combustible elements to be a straight up wrestling match. It’ll tell a cracking story, I just hope the ending is worth the wait. Maybe the ending will be worth the wait in another way as well. Maybe the ending will see a certain Mr Renfrew turn from a psycho, to a Champion.
There will be a surprise something eh. I reckon one impromptu match and a huge appearance from someone. Maybe Lionheart makes his return, and cost Polo and Coffey the belts. Maybe William Grange makes his long-awaited return, reforms the STI’s wae Divers, and they make the NAK vs SDS match a triple threat war. Maybe Christopher comes back fae the deid and leathers Kenny for stealing his gimmick and being better at it than him. Maybe Khali shows up and chops Joe Coffeys heid clean aff to hand his boy Noam the win. Maybe CM Punk actually does appear. Maybe all of these people appear, but its Chris Toal playing them all. A whole night of Toal, how fuckin good would that be. Or maybe its something else. Maybe its someone else. Someone who embodies what it means to bring “Insanity” to professional wrestling.
Maybe its Mrs Foleys baby boy.