An Audience With William Regal – Glasgow

jjjIt was a night where a not too favourable light was shone on Glasgow’s creativity, as William Regal had to wade through an almost suffocating pile of shite questions from the Glasgow crowd. Did that detract from the enjoyment of getting to hear the man speak? Not in the slightest. In fact, it added a great deal to the experience cause yer man Regal handles stupid questions better than anyone else on planet earth.

The first of the daft ones came from someone near the front. As Regal had placed the crowd firmly in the palm of his hand with engaging anecdotes about his World of Sport days, where he’s listen to Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks talk constantly about food, and how Haystacks was a pocket muncher when it came to his sweeties (for non Scottish folk, pocket muncher essentially means you hide sweeties in your pocket, and munch them when no ones looking. Fairly self explanatory stuff tbh) and he also told a charming tale of an angry midget he used to look after in his days working with the circus, who used to snarl at children for asking what one of Snow White’s dwarves he was, before he discovered that vertically challenged people don’t live much past 50, and this guy was 49. To be fair, if you didn’t have much longer to live, and you had the chance to live out your days smoking, drinking and shouting at children, wouldn’t you do it? Exactly.
Anyway. The first ridiculous question was “Do you have any funny stories about The Undertaker?” Now I’d have considered us privileged to have even been given the chance to ask him anything. The fact that he stopped talking and turned the mic over to our collective idiocy is remarkable in itself, but for us, as an audience to abuse that and waste his time with frivolous nonsense is an insult to the city of Glasgow. An insult to Scotland. An insult to the wrestling community. Thankfully for us, William Regal is a well-mannered man, and took a breath before simple saying…..

“No”

Of course he has no funny stories about the fucking Undertaker. Even if The Undertaker was currently in the process of kidnapping the absent Billy Kirkwood, and The Krankies, before driving them to the venue in the sidecar of his motorbike, having previously acted out a Carry On film in its entirety in front of a packed shopping centre, he was never going to tell any such story was he? It’s the fucking Undertaker man. The WWE have spent the best part of 30 years building this mystique around him, to the point that people aren’t actually sure if Mark Calaway still exists, but William Regal is going to come to Glasgow to blow all that apart by telling us about the time he got off his tits on MDMA, and ordered a bouncy castle that’s an exact replica of his house? Of course not. Regal actually gave a decent answer about how he’s one of the few people who counts himself as having a rapport with Taker, and how he’s the most dedicated professional he’s ever worked with, but no funny stories.

Referring to Lance Storm as “laugh a minute” tickled me personally more than anything else. I imagine British people are a bit like Lance Storms kryptonite. Always making a joke about something, 99% of them he doesn’t get, but he sees that half smirk and knows fine well. Joke’s on you Lance. You’re overly serious approach to proper chinlock application is once again a source of fun for Mr Regal. He tells a story about how he insulted man when he and Lance tagged together, and ‘chuckles’ felt it was too strong, only for it to be revealed that the man was disabled. Naturally….Lance did not approve (of the insults I mean, he has no problem with disabled people as far as I know)

Another tag partner he spoke of was Tajiri, and let me tell you, he and Tajiri were not of compatible personalities! They had many a run in, mainly involving Regal becoming increasingly irritated with Tajiri, and doing everything in his power to antagonise him. He spoke of at one point shelling out on 20-30 cans of spam every week so he could put them in Tajiri’s bags because Tajiri was scared of fucking EVERYTHING. Spam especially. That habit continued until his wife started noticing 5 grand shipping bills on their bank account, so Regal could ship enough Spam to America to keep the joke going for the next decade. Thats when Regal admitted he had a problem and sought help. Before that, he decided sticking about a hundred cockroaches in Tajiri’s bag would be a nice parting gift as they had recently split up as a team, but Tajiri was seriously hurt in his match that night, and of course all the locker room were very concerned, fussing over him, making sure he was ok. In the midst of all the drama, Regal forgot about the practical joke and in front of EVERYONE, Tajiri opened up his back to be greeted by a troupe of cockroaches. Everyone knew it was Regal, but he no sold it completely as he skipped out the door whistling the tune from Dads Army. Tajiri retired that day, as no one in their right mind would book a man whose face is frozen in abject terror.

We had a celebrity question after the interval, and that came from our very own Drew Galloway, who decided to ask Regal a two-part question, which he took about 2 hours to decipher. We got there eventually though, and Regal revealed that he has a wee thing for trannies, and that he really wants to marry Ronnie Corbett. Should probably mention what the question was for context eh? Aye……I really should do that.

After a horrendously stupid question about fan fiction from a guy who was there purely to impress some burd in 12 inch high heels wae tits up to her chin, we had the absolute grand daddy of all the stupid questions. My client Brock Lesnar claims this question is the “one” in “that question was an incredibly stupid ONE, and you are ONE arsehole for asking it” Seriously though, some dude stood up an asked “d’ye hink WWE will ever bring the attitude era back” and a collective grimace gripped The Garage as soon as the words left his mouth. Regal answered the question with a lot more composure and grace than anyone else could have. Citing the increase in advertising revenue with WWE going PG, but he should have just launched a beer bottle at the guys heid or something. How can you bring back an “era” anyway? Thats like asking Paul Mccartney if The Beatles will ever bring the 60s back. Well…naw mate, cause it kinda already happened, and half of them are dead. There is no do-over. Once an era happens, it happens. People tend to give Scottish crowds a lot of praise when it comes to live events. We aren’t shy about letting our feelings be known and that endears us to a lot of performers, but for every brilliant gig crowd, and ever raucous ICW crowd, there’s some half cut fanny asking William Regal if him and Renee Young are shagging (no one asked that btw, but I wouldnt have been surprised)

It was a charming way to spend an evening, and hearing about the peg legged Scottish ring rat that Regal probably fathered a child with was bewitching enough, but in all honestly William Regal could read the McDonalds menu and it would still be captivating. You cant help but wonder how many more brilliant stories we might have heard if we didn’t waste time asking him where he keeps the screwdrivers in his house, and if The Great Khali is as big in real life as he is on the tele. Would highly recommend getting along to any spoken word event William Regal is at though. Or any event he attends generally. Even if its his sister in laws 50th birthday party, if you know a guy, and you don’t have a problem crashing parties, get in on that.

Credit to David J Wilson for the photo

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