HELLO! and welcome to the first ever annual Snapmare Necks Wrestling Awards Of The Year of (small ‘o’ …very important) 2014 Awards Ceremony For The Stars. Over at Snapmare Necks HQ, we’ve seen a lot of stuff. Wrestling stuff, and since there’s only 1/12th of the year left, I figure its fine to completely disregard that significant portion and give out end of year awards now. Wrestling is like a journey. You get on a bus, maybe a train, maybe you even drive city slickah! and then you arrive in the area where the show is held and try to find the venue. Literally. Wrestling is a journey. A constant fucking journey. I’ve been to Edinburgh 12499 times this year for wrestling.
These awards will be voted on by me and only me. Although there will be one fan submitted award which we will award based on how funny we deem the suggestion to be.
Please enjoy this piece of very serious stuff. Thank you xox
The Damian O’Connor Award For Best Beard In Wrestling goes to……
Thats right folks. Bray Wyatt might’ve had a good beard year, Luke Harper has had an exceptional beard year. Erick Rowan is always a candidate. Dave Mastiffs effort is always mighty. Rampage Browns wan looks like a spear. But naecunt comes close to Damo. A beard as mighty as the man himself. I mean look at it.
The Kay Lee Ray Award For Best Lassie With Bright Red Hair goes to….
Kay Lee Ray!
Easy decision once again. Easiest one I’ll ever make. She is the standout candidate in this category. She also seems quite sound. Well done on both things, and also being good at the wrestling. Here’s you looking aw proud and smiley with yer belt.
The Seth Rollins Award For Being A Dirty Wee Backstabbing Bastard Award goes to….
You fuckin prick…
The Bete Noire Award For Burd Who Carries A Kendo Stick To The Ring Award goes to…
Because no one else does that. And thats quite cool. It got stole off her though. Kasey Owens painted it green and calls it the Celtic Kendo.
The BT Gunn Award For Best All-Round Wrestler In Scotland goes to…
Tag, singles, 6 man tags, street fights, dog collar matches, last man standing matches, deathmatches. He’s done them all. And done them well. BT Gunn is the benchmark in Scottish Wrestling right now.
The James Scott Award For Being A Deceptive Prick And Kidding On To Retire Award goes to….
Ya dirty bastard. I gret real human tears for you retiring. Well…not externally, but I was crying inside. Then ye went and joined that N.A.K. Unreal. The swerve to end all swerves. I’ll never forgive ye for it, but it was a belter of a moment. Also, folk shouldn’t forget that Joe Coffey feud. Shit was unreal.
Completely unrelated to any of what I mentioned, here’s a picture of him shouting at Tommy End.
The John Cena Award For Being John Cena And Using The Word Wanker goes to…
Of course it does. There was literally nae other candidates.
The Joe Hendry Award For Wearing Pink Suits In Public Award goes to…..
The Drew Galloway Award For Making Me Pee Mysell A Wee Bit When I Read A DM goes to…..
Totally peed myself a wee bit. He likes my stuff. And also my writing. Look out for the Drew Galloway interview! Coming to a retail outlet near you.
The Sting Award For Best Sting Debut In WWE goes to….
It was really nice. He bonded wae Ziggler, eradicated the beak and got a huge pop. Good things.
The Noam Dar Award For Being Really Good At Noam Darring And Cuddles goes to….
Of course. The wrestler who has physically embraced me more than any other, and my best pal. Noam Dar. He is the originator of Noam Darring. Where you stand, sit or lounge whilst doing the Noam Dar hauns behind yer back, kiss the wrist pose. Its a great deal of fun and seems tae annoy Connie so I dae it often. Noam Dar’s some man. If he wins that bootcamp, I’m chucking it in. Nae Noam, nae party.
The Mark Coffey Award For Best Zero-G Title Reign Whilst Having His Finisher Named After Red Foreman goes to….
Competition was fierce for this yin. So many Mark Coffey shaped candidates. He also does a mean scoop slam, and nearly took Renfrews heid aff with a clothesline at Pride last night. Mark Coffey is the reaaaaaaaaal deal. Never forget when that cunt makes it big who the first person wis to sook up his arse on the internet.
The James St James Award For Using Obscure References For Interesting Show Names goes to….
James St James
ICW started the whole “make yer show name something funny and quirky” thing I think (although I’m happy to be proven wrong if anyone knows different) but their references are at least gettable. Even if ye need tae ask someone, its more than likely that before you’ve asked three people. Someone will know. I just googled Kobayashi Maru there, its a Star Trek thing apparently. Never seen it. I assume this means Pride will no longer be affiliated with this site. Which would be a damn shame. The Spy Who Pinned Me tickled me right enough. Austin Powers daft. Anyway…CONGRATULATIONS JAMES.
The BT Gunn and Wolfgang Award For Best Feud And Best Match Of 2014 Between BT Gunn and Wolfgang goes to…..
BT Gunn AND Wolfgang (omg first ever joint award)
This one was too close to call. They were neck and neck throughout the voting process, but it really came down to a simple case of “Which one of these guys is BT Gunn, and which one is Wolfgang” Turns out both were present for every single match in this feud, and that makes it an easy decision. I dunno if they want to split the award in half. I could replace the real award with a donut in this case, so its easier to split down the middle, but aye. What a fucking brilliant feud. Just edges Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar for my favourite of the year. The dog collar match was art, and I usually fuckin hate they matches.
The Bob Backlund Award For Best WWE Champion Of The Year goes to….
You don’t need to have won the belt at any point in the year btw, you just have to have been the best WWE Champion of that year, and he is. Of course he is. He always is. Because he’s fucking mental.
The Diesel Award For Most Non Descript Gimmick From The Mid 90s That I Reminisced About In 2014 goes to….
Diesel (aka Kevin Nash)
Seriously. Whit wis Diesel? Like…why was he called Diesel? Was he a big van? Was his name actually Diesel and he legally changed it tae Kevin Nash cause folk kept trying to fuel up their motors wae him? I really dunno. This shit is bananas.
The Chris Toal Award For Dressing Up As The Most Wrestlers And Having A Snappy Catchphrase Involving Colloquial Glasgow Language goes to…
Still waiting on Ferg-Toal Devitt, and Mick Toaley, but yer man Toal has given us some of the best moments of 2014. The CM Punk entrance wae Jackie Polo was hilarious, and the Yoda thing where Joe Coffey nearly dropkicked him tae the moon was brilliantly done tae. Mark Coffey hasn’t kicked him in the face for at least 5 months anaw, so he’s winning. Also has probably the longest name for an award in the history of things being awarded. Thats something. I think.
The Chris Renfrew Award For Most References In Promos To Fingering Someones Sister goes to….
No other candidates for this really was there? He smells your sister on his fingers. That means he either fingerblasted her, or he rubbed her sweaty armpits. Either way. They got intimate.
The Kid Fite Award For Most Progress In Trying To Not Get His Baws Oot All The Time goes to…
Check him oot having a wee dive. Anyway. Fito used to be daft for getting his baws oot. At least 10-15 times a year we’d see them. Now? Its down to 5, maybe less than that. Progress. Not to mention, yer man’s been having some brilliant matches and deservedly gets a shot at the ICW belt in the last show of the year. The rewards for keepin yer baws in eh.
The CM Punk Award For Going On Colt Cabanas Podcast And Being Less Entertaining Than Noam Dar goes to…
Yees fuckin know its true.
The Paul London Award For Making Me Think My Pal’s Gonnae Collapse And Die The Most Times Award goes to….
Connie loves Paul London. As a wrestler and a human man. Sometimes she falls down when she sees him, and thats ok. Here he is wearing white shorts.
The Joe Coffey Award For Doing Amazing Spinning Lariats And Having Really Good Technical Wrestling Matches goes to….
The Iron Man in ICW after his tremendous feud with James Scott had Joe beating James in an Iron Man match at the Square Go. He was also The Scottish Heavyweight Champ until his brother’s scoop slam influenced betrayal. He will have his revenge. He will have aw the belts. One of these days Joe. One of these days.
The Dean Ambrose Award For Mastering The Most Titties goes to….
If you think he hasn’t mastered your titties this year, you’re fucking delusional. Utterly aff yer fuckin bonce. He’s mastered all the titties. Even yer wee auld granny. She still watchin Countdown aye? Well she watches that shit was mastered titties now. No longer her titties at all. They belong to Ambrose.
The William Regal Award For Best Story About Putting Spam In Tajiris Bag goes to…
Because he used to put Spam in Tajiris bag all the time, to the point that his wife had to ask him where all the money was going, cause he was shelling out hundreds of dollars a week on Spam. That’s the best thing ever probably.
The Stevie Boy Award For Most Improved Singles Wrestler Named Stevie Boy goes to…
Been a smashing year for Stevie. One of the hardest working guys in Scottish Wrestling, and one of the most underrated in Britain, has finally got his singles career going. Had some brilliant matches on The Magical Mystery Tour, and he uses the Canadian Destroyer, which everycunt knows is the most mesmerizing move in wrestling. He’s too legit tae fuckin quit and he’s coming for the Zero-G, Tag, Heavyweight. Aw the belts. Stevie Boy. Possils Hero.
The Carmel Jacob Award For Cutting The Most Promos That Shit On The Things I Stand For And Doing It In A Way That Makes Me Love Her goes to….
In the past year shes took a shot at….fans in general, fans who write reviews, Kay Lee Ray, Stevie Boy, even her own pal Sara, Scotland voting no, the city of Glasgow and she even found time to tell the wee man to fuck off. If her next promo rips the cunt out of Celtic and Mick Foley she’s pretty much ticked them all off, and she’s done so in a brilliantly cruel fashion. Carmel Jacob is fucking fantastic at what she does.
The Triple H Award For Having A Beak To Face Ratio In Favour Of The Beak goes to…
I mean look at that fuckin beak.
The TNA Award For Making Me Completely Lose Interest In Their Product goes to…
No even getting a picture for this. I know theres still good wrestling at TNA, but I cannae watch a company that have 2-3 months of TV taped in advance. Everycunt knew Roode was champ about 6 weeks before he actually won it. Thats just fucking shite. If you cant have the Title on yer biggest show of the year (which was a fucking disaster) because the guy who holds it on tv disnae hold it in real time, then whits the fuckin point in even having it?
The Dickie Divers Award For Having A Face On His Face goes to….
Everycunt talks about his face. No one talks about him having the best running knee to the jaw in the corner in wrestling dae they? People need tae screw the nut.
The Brock Lesnar Award For Making The World Stop And Making Chris Renfrew A Decent Amount Of Money In One Moment goes to…
Brock Lesnar of course. He beat The Undertaker at Mania. Did you forget? Renfrew had money on it, and he spent the winnings on on a machine that generates really cool names for moves.
The Reckless Intent Wrestling Award For Having Reckless Intentions goes to..
Reckless Intent Wrestling
Sports entertainment personified.
The Grado Award For Being Thanked For The House More Than Any Other Wrestler goes to…
Thanks for the house…brotherrrrrr
The Jam O’Malley Award For Services To Touching Peoples Balls And Not Being Gay For Bobby Roberts goes to..
He does love a good feel at a bawsack so he does. He felt mine. It was warm. A warm embrace.
The Rusev Award For Being A Right Shouty Big Bulgarian Guy goes to…
Scoop Slam Of The Year Performed By Jackie Polo goes to…
The scoop slam is Jackie Polo’s favourite wrestling manoeuvre. A timeless classic. A move which combines physical strength, technicality, machine guns and really loud back bumps. WHO BAD?
Its him. Its Jackie Polo. He’s bad.
The Tommy End Award For Making Me Really Scared Of Going To Amsterdam goes to….
I mean…are all Dutch folk like him? Cause I love Tommy End, but that sounds fuckin terrifying. He gives me the fear.
The Dean Malenko Award For Best Screen Grab Of Dean Malenko Sleeping Whilst Standing Up goes to….
The Mikey Whiplash Award For Best Return By A Guy Climbing Out Of A Bodybag goes to….
Nice to have him back. He said naw to doing an interview with me, but I’ll talk him intae it. We’ll get a few Hooches in him and he’ll sing like a fuckin bird.
The Kenny Williams Award For Smoothest Baws And Best Springboard Elbow goes to…
When he whapped the baws oot in Dundee, I never expected such smoothness. Genuinely the smoothest baws I’ve ever seen. Ye coulda played snooker on the fuckin things. He also does really good moves, including a dynamite springboard elbow.
The First Ever John The Bomb Graham Bawbag Of The Year Award goes to…
The guy who put a pint down BT Gunns trunks in Liverpool
Honestly whit is the fuckin matter wae people? P.Diddy could not believe his eyes
The ICW Helter Skelter Award For Best Show Of The Year In 2014 goes to….
ICW HELTER SKELTER!!! NEWCASTLE BAYBAAAAY!
Both Newcastle shows were tremendous, but the second one just edges it. The NAK vs Londrick match was a thing of beauty, and every single match was excellent that night. Mossy vs Wolfgang might even have edged the main event. So fuckin braw. Jester vs Damo vs Liam Thomson was heavy good anaw. A brilliant show, and a rare time in Newcastle again. Would recommend to a pal. None of you dicks, but folk I like x
The Liam Thomson Award For Accuracy Of Dropkicks goes to….
The man’s dropkicks are on point, and he’s a brilliant year all round. Here he is taking his long lost son out for ice cream. His family suffers from a rare condition where they will break out in hives if they ever wear a conventional upper body garment.
The Lou King Sharp Award For Having A Name It Took Me Fuckin Ages To Get goes to….
Lou King Sharp!
Just wanted an excuse to use that picture again really. Is it no just fuckin brilliant? Looks like a hardened vet has taken the rookie under his wing, and with his tutelage, he will one day sell as much as a half ounce of green per week.
Last but not least…The First Ever Snapmare Necks Award For Snapmare Necks Favourite Human Being In The World In The Year Of 2014 goes to…..
Fergal ‘Finn Balor’ Devitt
Sorry to all the other human people who were strong candidates for this one, but it has to be Fergal. I was on the floor when he showed up on the top turnbuckle at Still Smokin. As a clinically depressed, almost completely numb human, anything having that reaction has to be something special, and yer man is just the best of the best in wrestling right now if ye ask me. A special performer, and the man this the best abs on planet earth. Yer man Devitt.
Photo Credits – David J Wilson, The Blue Haired Loudmouth, Contraband Photgraphy….eh….google. Anyone else wants credited, gies a shout xx