Christmas time and all that shite. Christmas is to wrestling what every other significant holiday which can be exploited for financial gain is to wrestling (that was hard to type, how was it tae read? Feels overly wordy. Sozzzz) a chance to give yer show a quirky name, and make money. Some companies go with utter drivel like Frost Fight, Jingle Hells, Santa Delivers Suplexes, Rudolph The Red-Nosed (due to alcoholism) Wrestler and my personal favourite, Seasons fuckin Beatings. Southside seem like a good promotion btw. I’m not having a go at them particularly, but having a Christmas show and naming it “Seasons Beatings” is some fuckin mid 90s, devoid of any creativity bullshit. All yer needing is a brightly coloured Fila trackie and a phone that’s thicker than yer house, and fuckin wallah! You’re slap bang in the middle of the 90s. Back to a time where Vince Mcmahon didn’t have a billion dollars, or tiny wee steroid shrunken baws.
Good on ICW for putting on a beauty of a card to close out the year. I like it hunners. I had the piss ripped out me by a former colleague and friend recently about bigging up various shows with similar patter, so to offset the huge amounts of positivity and hilarity I usually charge these things with, I’ll be stating one negative thing for each match to go with the usual brand of bigging it up tae fuck, and fellating people with words. Last show of the fuckin year eh. If I review it, that means Snapmare Necks has attended every single ICW show in 2014. Previewing and reviewing them all. What does that make us? Makes us fuckin daft that’s what. Also there’s nae “us”. The last time any of my “team” submitted anything, the month started with a “J” and the year started with a “19”. Slacking bastards.
ICW. GLESGA. HERE WE GOOOOOO
Joe Coffey vs Liam Thomson
Really difficult to think of something negative to say when you’re favourite wrestler in Scotland is booked against one of the most technically sound, on form wrestlers of 2014. If I had to go with something, we’ll go with a complete kop-out. Only negative about this match is that we haven’t seen it happen before. Joe Coffey vs Liam Thomson is such a natural matchup in ICW right now, it actually seems a bit weird that it hasn’t happened until now, but this will of course be fucking brilliant. The standout match on the card if ye ask me, and if you had no intention of asking me? Get it fuckin up ye ya….I mean naw, look, the customer’s always right. Thanks for stopping by anyway. Enjoy the show if you choose to attend, and if you don’t? GET IT FUCKIN UP YE YA CLOWN. I fancy some kind of shenanigans leading to a Liam Thomson win, and whoever’s involved in those shenanigans will be subject to Joe Coffey taking his frustrations out on their jaw.
Polo Promotions vs The Gatecrashers (ICW Tag Title Match)
A right shame that Darkside had to drop out with injury, but it gives the new blood a chance. Seen The Gatecrashers a few times now at SWA and Pride shows, and they work well together. A brilliant match here and their popularity could skyrocket, a wee bit like Team CK when they stole the show against the NAK in Maryhill last year. Nae chance they’ll take the belts right enough, but its a chance they wouldn’t have been expecting, and they’ll be hoping to get a lot of the regular ICW crowd interested in them before the second Spacebaws show later in the month. Looking forward to seeing the Polo Promotions family step out in its entirety for the first time as well. That better include Denise tae. I have a vivid picture of how she might look in my heid, and it’s basically just Susan Boyle’s coupon on Kelly Brook’s body..aka perfection. Negative for this match is the unfortunate injury to Darkside meaning we don’t get to see him do some tremendous wrestling against Scotlands BEEEEEEST Scoop Slammer, and the Real Deal, but such is life.
Dickie Divers vs Mikey Whiplash
I had this preview a wee bit written last night, so I’m awfy glad I patched it until today because this was a totally different match, one I had a totally different shape of stauner for. I’m glad I didnae exert too much energy talking about how I thought Noam vs Whippy would be the match everyone expected it to be when they first wrestled in ICW about 2 years ago, and it sort of fell flat due to the “gay-off” before the match (nae problem with the open display of men touching each other like, that’s pretty much what wrestling is anyway, it just wisnae very entertaining tbh) but Noam’s on the injury list due to being out injury with an injury. In steps the bold Dickie Divers (who recently conducted an interview with this here site, click on the blue writing if you want to read it) the man Whiplash pinned on his first ICW appearance since Still Smokin, and the man who’s been talked about quite a bit recently for having a face, and contorting it in various ways. The thing you should never forget is that Divers is an excellent wrestler, and will more than likely prove that to any doubters on Sunday. Would be lovely to see him win, but Whiplash will be one of the favourites for the Square Go, so they’ll probably keep him looking strong with the win here. Negative here is that Noam Dar’s unable to wrestle, and that’s unfortunate, because he’s usually quite good at it.
BT Gunn and Wolfgang sign the contract for the cage match at the 2015 Square Go
It would be oddly poetic that after all the borderline homicidal shit they’ve done to each other in various manslaughter ridden wrestling matches, that it all comes to an end with a contract signing, but that’s how I predict this one goes down. Last time BT Gunn was involved in a contract signing, a chubbier Chris Renfrew actually bled oot from the scissors wound BT carved intae his heid, and was replaced by his thinner, dropkick daft, identical twin. If this goes down the same path, I expect some crafty bastard to be making a necklace out of all the teeth and spare bits of jawbone these cunts leave scattered all over the ring. Negative thing about this is that it will undoubtedly lead to one or both men perishing.
Kenny Williams vs Stevie Boy vs Davey Boy vs Paul London (ICW Zero-G Title Match)
Yassssssssssss. There are no negatives here. I know we set out a format for this, but fuck a format. There’s nothing about this match I could even pretend to not like. The smooth bawed, smooth skilled Zero-G Champ defending his title against the legend that is Paul London. A dream ICW match in its own right. High flying, storytelling, catch as catch can piece of deliciousness, then throw Stevie Boy intae the mix, and its a walking, pulsating erection masquerading as a wrestling match. Three of the best at that particular style of wrestling. Kenny and Stevie have already proved at how adept they are when it comes to working with someone else in a triple threat match after they tore it up with Danny Hope in Liverpool. Imagine a stone cold vet/genius like Paul London in the mix? Ah but. Theres a fourth man. A man who is the big hitting, dick slinging, spear gien antidote to all the high-flying madness, the returning DAVEY BOY. In a match against his best pal Stevie. Why does this excite me? Potential conflict mate. Who disnae love that. Two brothers forced to square off (and square go) against each other. What’s next? One puts the other out of the Square Go? Then all of a sudden you’ve got Davey vs Stevie at Barramania tearing the fuckin house down. Sorry, got lost in a daft fantasy booking whirlwind there. Where were we? Aye. Kenny will retain. And this will be most delightful. I reckon this match will contain the most drama of the night….unless…
Sha Samuels and Martin Stone vs Grado and ????? (somedy)
Unless Grado’s partner is one of two people. First and most realistically, if its Colt Cabana, we might as well all declare ourselves deid, because folk would start setting things on fire and shagging anything that moves on the spot. Mass hysteria. Colt Cabana making his first appearance in Glesga since he was heckled at an open mic night in a standup comedy club for being perfectly square in every way. The second option is that Grado introduces CM PUN….nah I jest. Colt is one option, but I doubt it. Honestly have no idea who else it might be, but whoever it is, better be fuckin hard as nails, because the Samuels/Stone Alliance are a pair of hard skull huvin, stiff punch throwing, dirty…cheatin…BASTARDS. It is a proper buzz having them in ICW though. Hugely talented guys and I feel like I’m allowed to hate them without apologising and buying them a beer after the show (still buy yees a beer like, but I’m no apologising) Aye fuck that negativity patter. Nothing negative to say about this either, except the ever lingering possibility that Sha Samuels might shout at me again. I fancy ICW to send the boaysies hame on a high note for the year by handing Grado and his partner the win. Sha and Stone will heel it up even more than usual though. Probably making some sort of referendum joke, while defecting and stubbing out cigars on the Scottish flag.
Edit – If Red Lightning turns out to be Grado’s partner, I solemnly swear that I will pump you all. If you consent obviously x
Drew Galloway vs Kid Fite (ICW Title Match)
I’m gonnae make a point of properly sooking up Fitos’ arse, because admittedly in the preview I wrote for the last show, I might have said I favoured Mossy for the win. Purely because Mossy vs Galloway is a match I think everyone would be gasping to see, and Fito wrestles Drew the night before at BCW, so it’s not like him and Drew don’t get to go at it. I realise that was foolish of me, and I’m not just saying that because Fito toed Mossy’s erse and earned the title shot, I’m saying it because Fito has been one of the most consistent wrestlers on the roster all year…and also he toed Mossys arse and earned the title shot. Since the Fight Club split, both him and Liam Thomson have found their singles niche in ICW, and the feud they had, was huge in setting that up. So here stands our Fito. ICW and Glesga to the core. With his shot at immortality. Imagine he steps up to big Drew, in his first defence of the belt he won in such emotionally and physically demanding circumstances, and the bold yin beats him clean? The fuckin earth would implode or something. That probably wont happen though. I imagine Drew and Fito will have a match well worth main eventing this show, Drew will exhibit all the gifts god gave him quite magnificently, possibly by throwing Fito in the Clyde, then retrieving him with one of his gargantuan arms. Drew will win, and then something else might happen……
Renfrews issued an open challenge for a match of the hardcore persuasion, and apparently its been answered by someone who deems themselves just as hardcore as him, if not more hardcore. That means it’s either Jack Jester, Jimmy Havoc, or Terry Funk. My money’s on it being the middle one…or Hardcore Holly. That’s one thing so it is, and its all well and good, but know what else? If Chris Renfrew is going to become ICW Champion, it happens at this show imo. Maybe he’ll be deid after his match and we’ll all assume nae cash in, only for the card to change. It always fuckin changes mate. It might change to the point where we see Chris Renfew stoating about Sauchiehall Street at 3am, scudding anyone who can’t do the NAK “N” sign wae their fingers over the napper with the belt, and wearing a big sandwich board that says “Gie the champ a tenner and I might no finger yer sister”. Renfrew’s gonnae be fuckin involved anyway.
Tickers still on sale. The text that was here beforehand self destructed. There might be tickets on the door if it disnae sell out before then. Fairly simple.