CM Punk – Please Don’t Die

punkMMA has never really been my thing. I remember my first dalliance with it, as a lock in at the pub my pal worked in. Me, Davey, my pal, his pal and one other customer. Me playing pool, whilst the other customer demonstrated hand to hand combat on Davey by gesturing to punch him in the face but stopping his hand about a millimetre before his spotty coupon. I’ve never seen Davey look so uncomfortable, and Davey has had hundreds of conversations with my maw. The hours wore on, and eventually play fighting and talking about mediocre Robert De Niro movies became passée, so we fired the tele on. Oh some UFC? Dont mind if I do. People tell me this is like pro wrestling, except its REAL. Who wouldn’t love that?

Me. I don’t. I didn’t like it then, and I haven’t been in to it any time I’ve seen it since. Thats a lie in fact. There was one time they managed to draw me into the story. Anderson Silva vs Chael Sonnen. The second fight. Know who drew me in? Chael Sonnen. Because he could cut a fuckin promo. Simple as that. He made me believe he was better than a guy they called the best back then. He made me believe he had that first fight won and if it wasn’t for his ego allowing him to take his eyes off the prize, he would have slain the beast. I watched the second fight a few days after it aired, and it was underwhelming. Silva leathered him if I mind right, and my faith in a good story being complete with a happy ending was blown to fuckin bits. My main problem with UFC is that cunts legit seem like they want tae kill each other. If someone gets startled by a decent shot, the opponent will immediately go in for the kill; slinging right hooks, left hooks, spinning heel kicks, and swords like Shinobi. In pro wrestling, if something inadvertently startles someone, the opponent subtly backs away and picks the fattest guy in the crowd to take the piss out of, while the ref slides over and whispers “ye awrite chief?” into the startled wrestler’s ear. Thats what I’m intae. Good old sleight of hand trickery intertwined with storytelling. That’s what CM Punk knows and used to love. How the fuck is he going to cope with being guys who have been trained pretty much the opposite way from him?

As much as you probably learn plenty of real fighting skills when learning to wrestle, the fact is, wrestlers are trained in the art of making things look sore when they aren’t really. Well a lot of them are sore, but not in the way they’re supposed to be. The aim in pro wrestling is to put on a show and everyone gets to go home afterwards without a trip to the hospital. The aim in MMA is to WIN at all costs. Totally different motivation from pro wrestling, where the only way to affect your ability to win matches is being incredibly good at what you do, or sooking up the right peoples arses. I imagine the mentality you have to adopt to do well in MMA is a “Kill or be killed” and it totally goes against Punks previous ethos of “Entertain at all costs, even if it means you need tae chuck a bunny suit on and pretend to give a fuck about Adam Rose being nasty to ye”

If anyone can bridge the gap between ardent UFC fans, and casual observers who prefer their grapplin a lot more oily, and a lot less clothed, its CM Punk. Love or loathe the arrogant cunt, there’s no denying that he is one of the best on the mic in modern wresting history. That’ll make press conferences, weigh ins, yon interviews they do next to the Octagon whilst another fight pertinent to the person they’re interviewing rages on inside it (is that a thing? that might just be boxing) etc….basically anything that involves putting a mic next to CM Punk and asking him to sell people on his fight will work. His first fight will do incredible numbers and Vince will be left with the riddest of all the riddys (thats Scottish speak for “he’ll be pure embarrassed man”…thought I’d translate in case one of the many American celebrities I tweet this too actually RTs it) but then what? After the gap has been bridged by Punk and his smooth talking intensity, he needs to step into that Octagon and fight people. That’s when it gets a bit tricky. If they can find a professional boxer Freddie Flintoff is capable of beating, then surely they can find an MMA guy who’s shite enough for Punk to choke him out, but still. He’s in grave danger of getting his shit ruined. Mind Jon Favraeu in Friends? Multi-millionaire ruins his face, his capacity for future earnings, and his relationship with Monica because he becomes possessed with the idea of becoming UFC Champion. That’s the life I see for Punk. Sitting in the locker room after being knocked out for the 5th consecutive time, whilst AJ holds a cold compress to his scudded dome and asks “Are we done with this yet?” 

“Well I dont know AJ…is CM Punk the Ultimate Fighter?”

“What? Phil…thats not a thing, theres weight classes, and various championships…”



Well? AM I??????

Well? AM I??????

Next thing ye know he’s on Jim Ross’s podcast, shooting on the UFC. Accusing them of maliciously terminating his contract on the same day he got served with divorce papers. WHY MUST THESE CORPORATE ENTITIES TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME SO MUCH WHILST THEY LINE MY POCKETS?? I COULD’VE DIED YE KNOW!!!

Scott Hall could have died tae. Just because the thing killing him was mixing vodka with government grade anti histamines does not make his pain less of an issue. The point is (hahahaha as if any of this has a fuckin point) as brave as it is of CM Punk to pursue this venture, the best outcome for him is him bowing out of the octagon without his brain matter being scrambled too much, and with his stock at an all time high. Perhaps high enough to get that Wrestlemania main event he so richly deserves. Honestly, the fact that CM Punk winning the 2014 Royal Rumble and going on to feud with Daniel Bryan for the title at WM30 wasnt the plan all along is a lot more disgusting to me than any of the stuff Punk revealed about being pressured into working with injuries and all that shite. WWE have pressured their staff to work hurt for decades and will continue to do so until the world no longer exists as we know it. That’s what WWE do, and always have done; just because theres all sorts of wellness tests and other things in place now that look good to the outside world, doesn’t mean the WWE don’t still disguise corporate greed as encouraging people to risk their health under the false guise of “being a good team player”

If the tone of this sounds anti Punk, it really isn’t meant to. CM Punk is the only wrestler in the modern era I look up to, and one of the few people on planet earth I’d ever say I have a degree of idolisation for. His story of triumph over adversity is one that has always drawn me in, particularly his resourcefulness. Always a guy who made the best out of the tools he had, and when the tools he was given weren’t doing the job, he’d go out and find better tools. Tools more suited to his needs. His birth parents were shite cunts, so he found a new family. The pro wrestling in his area was shite, so he started a backyard company which was more professional than those who claimed to be professionals. He wasn’t getting opportunities in WWE, so he kicked doors down and moaned enough at the right people to be given a shot. He wasn’t happy at how he was being booked or some of his general treatment in the WWE, so he joined the UFC. The ONLY viable competitor WWE has. The ONLY place he could sign with that would make Vinces wee erse clench into a pained looking, raisin shaped hole.

I wish Punk all the best in his new venture, and I will most likely watch his fights, but it’ll be with the forlorn hope in my heart that one day we see him do the thing he truly loves again. With a role in the WWE more befitting of the entertainment he brings. I’m not a gambling man, but I would happily stick a tenner of CM Punk main eventing Wrestlemania 35. Because he’s the best in the world when it comes to pro wrestling, and being the best at something brings a certain degree of satisfaction. Being a middle of the road cunt in UFC will be awrite for a while. Whilst its an adventure, but one day it’ll get old, and the novelty of being kicked in the side of the head for real will wear off quick. That’s when the arduous life of the WWE wrestler might start looking quite attractive to Chicago’s favourite son once again.

Was that ending poignant enough aye? Good. Thanks for reading x



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