When Snapnexxx.com was contacted about having special behind the scenes access to the ICW Awards Night this year, my first reaction was “whit? why?” and that continued to be my reaction throughout the evening. A wrestler addresses me by name…”whit? why does he know my name?” I get invited to give out an award “whit? why?” I get heavy nervous and continually say the name of the winner because I read it off Scotts sheet when he was talking to me before it, and the worst slagging I get is Joe Coffey calling me Mike Adamle “whit? why am I not getting slagged worse than that?”
Public speaking is easy to some, yet they find it difficult to get their point across through text. Some people are the opposite of that.
It was a rerr night though. As much as I didn’t enjoy the role reversal of a bunch of wrestlers looking at me as opposed to the other way about, it was nice to be given the opportunity to be a part of it after going to, and writing about every ICW show this year (well, when I review Brush Your Goose the night, that will be the case) It’s weird to be in amongst a group of wrestlers for me though. I don’t write about wrestling as a way to break “in” to the business or that, so I’m always wary about cutting aboot like a pure fanboy and asking for folk to sign my custom made Mark Coffey bumbag. When wrestlers speak to me in person, I always see them as their characters to a certain degree and I’m never really fully at ease. I hope that never changes, because without that, my writing would be a pile of baws. The reason folk like my stuff is because I give a fuck about it I reckon, that element would be taken out of it a wee bit if I was mates with everyone. Yer supposed to see wrestlers as superheroes on tour, not mortals with problems and flaws like the rest of us. Anyway. I’ll shut fuckin up about that now eh.
Some dithering tube presented the first award. It was for moment of the year and as much as I like the guy who won it, I was kind of hoping it would be won by Surprise Devitt at Still Smokin. I had a wee routine prepared for that, where I’d re-enact my reaction when it happened by collapsing to the ground then crying on Billy Kirkwoods shoulder (I didnae cry on Billys shoulder at the time like, that would have made his commentary a lot more moist than usual…) but instead it was won by Drew Galloway. Up he came to cut a passionate promo about how amazing I am, before going on to talk about folk who are actually important like David J Wilson and other behind the scenes workhorses. Awfy nice of the big man to do that and it made my stammering nervousness seem a lot less awful. He also won promo of the year I think, for the same moment. A promo he says was off the cuff. Winning a couple of awards for something you thought of on the spot isnae a bad nights work I’d say. His name is also fun to say. Trust me. I done it three times. When he came up the second time he responded to Renfrews promo on him, and both of them fuckin went in on each other. I think Drew realised he was maybe a bit heavy with it when he said “I’m not burying Renfrew” and went on to talk about how much of a tough motherfucker he wis, but neither of them pulled any punches and they’re gonnae knock the utter shite out of each other at the Square Go.
Tag team of the year was presented by Jackie Polo who shocked the world by revealing that it wasnt even one of the nominees who won it! Tag team of the year is a bit like the Nobel Peace Prize I reckon. Even if the votes have been counted and verified, if some peace loving bastard does something incredibly peaceful on the day of the awards, that person is eligible to win. OH OH OH you bet Polo Promotions done just that. Scooping up awards like they scoop up their opponents before slamming them tae fuck. Hand over your heart, and in a loud clear voice, say it with me….POLO PROMOTIONS!
The Sumerian Death Squad actually won it btw. They accepted their award via satellite. Tommy End cut a promo where he dribbled candle wax on tae an effigy of Chris Renfrew. It wis heavy creepy.
DCT won tash of the year. Beating Eddie Sideburns by…hunners of votes. Pretty much all of the votes. DCT is one of my favourite cunts and I cannae pinpoint why. It’s a gimmick I’d probably fuckin hate in WWE, but when its done by a Scottish guy with a stoater of a tash, it just works. I’ve been told in my steamin haze on Sunday I was cutting about patting folk on the arse, winking and going “did ye enjoy that?” before spilling my beer on their crotch and insisting I clean it up with my bare hands. DCT was joined on stage by the Polo Promotions crew, complete with shellsuit jaiskits and jovial hi-hinks. Words cannae really express how much I want one of they jaiskits man. I spent most of last night staring at the one that was left at the bar for a while debating with myself whether it would be a good idea to bump it or not. Decided against it like. Didnae want Pumphandle Slammed intae a wheelie bin or anything.
Just realised this is slipping intae mega slang patter mode. Dont gie a fuck but. I might no be much good at public speaking, but there is naecunt on this planet better than me at writing about wrestling in slang. Naecunt. Not. A. Cunt.
BT Gunn and Wolfgang of course won match of the year and feud of the year, because in a year with some of the best feuds ive seen in my time watching wrestling, they two had the best feud by miles. A good wrestling feud combines top quality, storytelling ridden matches, with a storyline that makes you care about those matches above every other match, and there’s nae question BT Gunn and Wolfgang had every element ye need for a great feud. Joe Coffey and Noam Dar had 5 brilliant matches, Joe Coffey and Darkside had a similar amount. All classics. Neither feud had the emotion and passion that BT and Wolfie poured into that feud though, and I doubt any feud in wrestling could claim to have been better in 2014. Certainly not British Wrestling anyway. The Fear and Loathing match was absolute perfection and even wae the added stip of having a big bastardin cage round the ring, the Square Go finale is gonnae need tae be flawless to top it. Only way they can create a moment worthy of doing so is if Wolfy stands on top of the cage, gorilla presses BT and chucks him straight through a windae. He’d lose the match by doing that right enough, but that’s wrestling. Sometimes ye lose matches, and the feeling in yer legs by doing daft shit.
Jester won most insane wrestler of the year, although he wasn’t there to collect his award. ICW management have been unable to get in touch with Jester since he lost the title to Drew, and were even unable to make contact with him as he sat opposite Drew in one of the booths before the show star….I mean…..Jester wisnae there. At all. He’s had a pretty insane year right enough. Whipping DCT in the face wae a belt is one of the most oddly erotic things I’ve ever seen. Think I sprouted a third nipple when he done that, although he should have asked if DCT enjoyed it while he was daein it. Holding on to the ICW Title for the majority of the year and defending against some hard bastards certainly earned him the award, although if the award was handed out based on who got gorilla pressed over their cousins heid and chucked on tae a crowd of people the most, BT Gunn would have walked it. If it was going to the guy who has his baws stapled more than any other, yer man Jimmy Havoc had the monopoly on that. Important to remember that the man who delivered most of those staples actually did win the award, although I’m no sure if its more insane to be the stapler or the staple-ee.
Renfrew won talker of the year, and fuckin tore everycunt a new arsehole in his speech. Before spending the rest of the show looking surly and rolling special cigarettes as the bar (naw I wisnae fuckin staring at him…you wurr) This is probably the only award I would have been a bit personally annoyed at if someone else won it, because Renfrew has been out there slaying it on every single fuckin promo he’s cut this year. I say that as a cunt who coudnae go Renfrew when I first started going to ICW. It felt like it wisnae for me ye know? Like he was for the ICW diehards only, and as a new cunt, I didnae get it. I wisnae allowed tae get it. Since the NAK reformation and heel turn, he’s legit been one of the best heels in pro wrestling. Entertaining on the mic in a brutal way, and also in a bit of a hilarious way at times tae. He correctly said the only person anywhere near him on the mic this year has been Carmel Jacob, and its a fuckin travesty she wisnae in the top 3 nominees. I know folk are free to vote for who they want, and I think all the awards went to deserving people, but Carmel Jacob has been unbelievably good on the mic since the Maryhill show last September and it would have been fitting if she was at least in the running. Maybe needs a wee catchphrase or two eh. Theres always next year. Here’s a wee photie of my favourite Renfrew promo of the year. The one he cut on Dickie Divers whilst he was up on Damos shoulders. The perfect 5 words. “This is your fuckin fault”
There have been many folk who could lay some sort of claim to wrestler of the year. You could make a case for at least 5 or 6 folk, but for me, the two main candidates were BT Gunn and Joe Coffey. Before I sook up Joe’s erse to an almost embarrassing degree, I’ll be honest and say…I voted for BT Gunn. For me, BT Gunn has been the most complete wrestler in ICW this year. Singles matches, tag matches, stipulation matches, aw the fuckin matches. He’s adapted and flourished no matter what’s been thrown at him and would have been a very deserving winner. Joe Coffey has been putting on wrestling exhibitions for 2 years in ICW now though. Probably longer than that, but at least 2 years that I’ve witnessed. Every single chance he’s been handed has been earned through hard work, and determination to get better. There’s always a danger a guy like Joe can fly under the radar if he’s content to let his wrestling do the talking, so Joe re-invented himself from a frightening, Grado maiming heel, to the guy who has the most widespread support in ICW today. Delighted for him that he won it and more importantly that he gets a title shot at Barramania as a result (although Dallas claiming he had no idea who had won it before he went up to present it wis convincing naecunt) if its Drew, they’ll no doubt tear the house down. If it’s a certain briefcase wielding nutjob, they’ll lariat 7 shades of excrement out each other. Either way, Joe Coffey wrestling for the ICW Title makes all the sense in the fuckin world.
Cheers to Mark Dallas and ICW for inviting me along. If yer gonnae edit my bit tae fuck, please have it intertwined with clips of Jackie Polo softly whispering “who bad?” intae Mark Coffeys ear wae him whispering “we bad” intae DCTs ear and DCT whispering “did ye enjoy that?” intae Coach Trips ear. A Polo Promotions whisper chain. Huge thank you tae Billy Kirkwood for making me feel a lot less awful about it and for doing a smashing job of hosting, and well done to everyone else who presented an award and didnae look like a fanny. Weird as fuck to present my one wearing a suit and fiddling wae the buttons, whilst Simon Cassidy presented in a shirt and jeans, looking as relaxed as I’ve ever seen him. Louise Marshall and Veronica LeStrange presented one anaw. So along with Drew, that means amazingly THREE folk better looking than me took to that stage, and none of them made an arse of it. Fair play.
Public speaking is hard. Public speaking in front of a bunch of wrestlers is fucking impossible. Unless you’re a wrestler….or Chris Toal.
Credit to Warrior Fight Photography and David J Wilson for the photos.