Wrestling is an odd thing. Judging by the many Wrestling Facebook groups I’m a member of (I mainly use them to punt my writing and as a source of awful, humourless memes about John Cena) there aren’t as many “clued up” fans as you’d think. I’m gonnae dance around using any variation of “smart mark”, because I fuckin hate that term. Buzzword pish, which chucks everyone who has an understanding of how pro wrestling works under the same wanky banner. Point is, there are still a lot of people who its “still real to” not everyone in the wrestling world knows how it works, and can appreciate that sometimes when a character is a complete and utter dickpiece, that’s a sign of them doing their job correctly, and if they’re good enough at it, it actually means they’re fucking great at what they do. Some people can’t grasp that. I’d say there’s even a small percentage of the ICW crowd which fall into that category. For everyone else? There’s Sha Samuels and Martin Stone.
I’m always a bit wary of me jokingly ripping in to Sha Samuels and Martin Stone in reviews appearing like I don’t appreciate their talents or think they add anything to ICW. Its quite the opposite of that. In terms of new talent on the roster, they have undoubtedly been the strongest additions of 2014. Not the best wrestlers ICW have added, although they are both excellent, but guys who have changed the dynamic completely. Even though Samuels had been laying the groundwork by knocking fuck out of Grado for a while before Stone joined the roster permanently, they already seem like they’ve been an alliance for years. A pair of hard, cockney stains on society trekking up tae Glesga together. Probably in a battered auld Reliant Robin because it’s a “good english motor innit m8?” A pair of universally (Scotland is a universe) hated cunts, who constantly have one or more middle fingers thurst in their face by many a steamin Glaswegian. When you think about it, its fucking ridiculous. Martin Stone and Sha Samuels are big bastards for a start, and even the unwelcoming outer shell of them should be reason enough to strike fear into the heart of even the most stubborn “jock cunt”. Permanently scowling pair of bastards. So what gives the common man the bravery to be a cheeky bastard to a couple of jaw crackin Neanderthals like Samuels and Stone? The answer to that is simple as pie mate. Easy as cake. A piece of logic. The answer to that is wrestling.
In every other environment your poorly nourished, nae definition having, yella toothed existence wouldn’t be able to get within 10 feet of Stone and Samuels without catching an overhand right hook tae the jaw, but in wrestling you’re free to shout whatever the fuck you like at the cunts, and as long as it’s not anything personal, at worst you’ll get some in character insults fired back, and maybe a wee slap to the jaw if you ask big Sha if he’s a butcher because he “likes handling meat” but that’s it. I’ve seen Sha in full flow, so I know fine will what you get if you do decide to get cheeky with him, and whilst it wasn’t actually me who did gie him cheek, I was the subject of his ire at one of the ICW Fringe shows. I’ll no lie tae yees troops. It was the most proper journalistic thing I’ve done since I started this, because that was me on the front line. Snapnexxx putting his own safety in jeopardy for a hot scoop. Sha did seem to accept that it was my pal who imitated his accent, and I was not the correct target for his anger, but I’m still waiting on that written apology in the post, with perhaps a signed brace to smooth things over a bit and give me some compensation for the physical and emotional pain I’ve suffered. We’ll see if that materialises eh. Anyway. There was a point here. Amazingly we’re hurtled through 700 words before even starting to approach it, so we’ll crack on now shall we? Aye…..lets.
Guys like Sha Samuels and Martin Stone are a bit of a throwback to the days of old school, proper arsehole heels. Unless they get chucked into a match with Satan himself (and even then, if Grado was Satans tag partner, theres still a good chance they’re collectively less evil than Stone and Samuels) there’s never any doubt who the baddies are in a Stone/Samuels match, and they are booed for their sins accordingly. When anyone talks about them after the show? Its all praise, and appreciation for the way they do their thing. Wrestling is a bit of a unique form of entertainment in that way. Where for the duration of a show you can completely throw your disbelief away and fully buy into a character as a fan, before doing fuck all but lavishing praise on that same character afterwards; Grabbing folk by the collar and loudly shouting “EAST!” in their daft coupon, and asking them where the fuck I might be able to download Sha Samuels theme music because it’s probably the greatest song of all time. As long as they keep leathering oor Grado, and calling us Jock Cunts/Mugs/SHLAAAAAAGS, it will continue to be very easy to spew obscenities at Sha Samuels and Martin Stone but without them, the ICW roster lacks a wee bit of an edge. If you continue with the same “regulars” no matter how good they are, its akin to stagnation. Everyone gets used to and develops some sort of appreciation for the guys they see every month, no matter how much of a prick their character is supposed to be, but in ICW terms, Sha Samuels and Martin Stone are not only an injection of fresh talent and enthusiasm, they also provide a strong tag team for the tag divison, a couple of handy bastards for singles matches, and perhaps more importantly, they give me two guys I’m fucking petrified of that I can anonymously swear at whilst in amongst of a crowd of people, and for that I am truly grateful.
Fuck knows what’s next for the cunts in ICW. You’d have to assume there isn’t much left for either of them in continuing to batter Grado, but there is a 30 man over the top rope rumble coming up in January where an alliance of disgruntled, jaded from having to pay £4.80 for a pint, Landan pricks might thrive. I could see one or both of them going far in The Square Go, and we might even see someone else join the fray. A boy from the London area has emerged this year as the best heel in British Wrestling and could be the perfect “cunt” to join the squad. That “cunt” has embodied what it means tae be a “cunt” in wrestling this year. Perhaps even breaking new cunty ground with his dedication to scowling as much as humanly possible, and bringing KNIVES into our noble, ancient sport. That man, in case ye somehow managed to not guess from the hugely obvious hints I left, is Jimmy Havoc. A man who has been tearing Progress a new arsehole for the best part of 15 months, and a man who has more than a wee bit of history with ICW. The Jester vs Drew feud was supposed to be his. Drew coming back changed it all for Havoc and could be a source of real personal bitterness that he can call upon to fully round out the brand new and extra evil Jimmy Havoc we might see in ICW when 2015 rolls in. No matter if they expand, or continue tearing ICW up as a duo, the truth is, without this pair of belligerent cockney wanks, there’s nae hostility. Hostility in a wrestling crowd breeds creativity, and creativity breeds fuckin hilarious chants. For me its no co-incidence that since Stone and Samuels have emerged, the atmosphere at ICW has been a lot more like it was last year. We all have a release now. Someone to take the frustrations of the week out on. A two heided, slack jawed, angry bull from that place doon south we wanted rid of (Bet they’re pals wae David Cameron and The Queen anaw) and we shall strike these oppressors down with great might, in the form of Joe Coffey lariats, Noam Dar kneebars, and Grado….eh….wee boots tae the jaw.
That theme though eh? Belter.