Its fitting that the hungry ones get to close out the year eh? The main roster have earned a wee night out. Getting to see who’s going to be chewing at their heels, looking to take their spot and/or significant other in 2015 (looking at you Lou King Sharp) so the last show of the year is Spacebaws Episode V – Billy Murray Strikes Back. That means Bill Murray’s gonnae be there eh? Billy Kirkwood is away in Orlando, so he needs a replacement. Who better than another rather amusing man named Bill? Unless its Cosby, cause there’s gonnae be far too much jailbait in and around the venue for Cosby to trusted. I’ll be dippin his flimmin flobber right up their poopity shoots, after he drops a sleepy deepy in their juice drink.
Of course, not ALL the main roster have the night off, and there’s a very real chance the two guys main evening the Square Go will show up to get people right up for their match by watching them knock fuck out of guys who are pretty much young versions of themselves. Chris Renfrew will definitely be squaring off against Lou King Sharp, looking to shove the wee bit of divers cake he’s been keeping underneath his baws since the last show, right up LKS beak, and whilst its not a confirmed match, Drew is in the country as far as I know, and Lewis Girvan has straight up called him the fuck out. A true champion does not take such lightly. Anyway. Last show of the year. Preview. Still tickets. Get them bought. HERE WE GO.
Yum Yum vs Jamie Feerick
If you’ve not seen the Fergal Devitt documentary from RTE yet, why the fuck not. If you have, you’ll know why EVERYONE has to cheer Yum Yum on Sunday. I usually dae it anyway, because he’s a deceptively agile scrapper and I like the way he does that wrestling, but man. To all the men reading this, imagine a doctor sat you down, and described one of yer baws as a Creme Egg split in half? Imagine that happened? It takes a brave man to refrain from climbing on the nearest roof and jumping clean aff. Not only did Yum Yum not do that, but he has returned to the thing that cost him his baw. Imagine you done something regularly, then one day it cost you one of yer baws. How hard would you never do that thing again? Even if I somehow lost a baw eating ice cream and smoking the best, most potent weed in the land, that would be the very last time I done either of those things. FUCK UHM UP YUM YUM…FUCK UHM UP. Feerick took a right good kicking aff Renfrew the last time we seen him, so it’s really cool to see that he’s still alive and that. This should be fun.
Layla Rose vs Sammi Jayne
In. Tae. This. Layla Rose is just delightful. For all the patter about Yum Yum losing a baw, Layla makes both of mine jump back into my body when I see her. Thats not to say I don’t find her visually appealing right enough. Quite the opposite is the case there, but she’s fucking SCARY. So scary I had to put that in capitals. Her finish is called the Barbie Breaker because it BREAKS BARBIES. Even Barbies that are hard as nails like oor Viper (although its worth noting Viper won that match at FFs, but hopefully it’s not the last time we see them leather each other) still get hit with it. Sammi Jayne is fucking great tae. I’ve not reviewed all the FFs shows recently due to personal stuff, but she’s been one of the most impressive performers on every show. Improving all the time too. Layla will beat her here, but she’ll make an impression.
Lewis Girvan vs Drew Galloway????
It probably wont happen. Drew’s probably in some exotic location right now, wrestling John Morrison in front of a bunch of Sheiks and Irish guys who own racehorses, but if it did happen, it would fuckin tear the roof clean off the place. Girvan might look a lot like Drew, but he wrestles completely differently. For me, out of the band of younger ones knocking on the door, Girvans wrestling style is the most diverse and the easiest to watch. He just needs…I dunno. Something. That wee bit extra. A match with Drew could be the thing that unlocks the doors to AWWWW the bookings, and if it doesn’t happen here, I hope it does at some point in the future. I also hope that if Drew actually isnae there, that they get a big Drew suit made, and have Lewis Girvan climb out of it in a Russian dolls type scenario. That would be highly amusing.
Edit: Just seen this and its fuckin gold. Get it watched.
Jackie Polo and DCT vs Sweeney and Solar
Sweeney’s gonnae kill yees. Sweeney’s gonnae kill yeeeees *repeat to fade*
Sweeney has very much been the designated baw booter in ICW over the past 2 years. Having no time for such frivolous pursuits as pro wrestling matches, and being civilised. As a rule, he shows up, knocks fuck out of folk and promptly leaves most of the time. Fear and Lothian 2 was the exception to prove the rule. Where he appeared to help Solar, and stop Polo and DCT uppercutting his wee Spanish nosebone right through his brain. The problem there is, DCT and Polo (with the aid of COOOOOACH TRIIIP) battered them, and cheekily left them spark out with a combination of Rock Bottoms, pointy elbow drops and of course, who can forget the scoop slams. I predict this match will be scoop slam daft. Scooptastic. With Sweeney and Solar emerging victorious by threatening to wipe their erses with one of those amazing Polo Promotions pink and purple shellsuit jaiskits, if they dont forfeit. Or Polo will seal the win for his team by scoop slamming Solar doon the stairs of the 88 bus. No matter what, it will indeed be wrestling.
A Big Bastardin Battle Royal (Winner enters the Square Go)
CM Punk’s winning it eh? It would be a wee bit weird if an aspiring MMA fighter came out of nowhere to win a pro wrestling battle royal, but that’s what wrestling’s all about mate. That’s why a guy like Floyd Mayweather Jr can legitimately knock the Big Show out, because….wait, whit the fuck d’ye mean that wisnae a shoot? Ye telling me The Big Show flopped? I’m no really sure if I’m comprehending this properly, so we’ll move on and talk about the battle royal. Talents such as Switch, Tommy “poppin” Marx, Saqib Ali, Blue Lightning and more will be going for a place in the Square Go. Stone Cold Boab Roberts is the early favourite, because he’s literally the biggest obstacle standing in the way of everyone, but I’m backing Lou King Sharp to come out of naewhere, enter it and win it. After taking the kicking of a lifetime off Renfrew, and becoming a legend in the space of one night.
The Gatecrashers vs David The Beloved and ????
I’m a wee bit surprised this Saynt vs The Beloved angle hasn’t seen the light of day too much. I reckon ICW could have done something decent with it. Risky ground with the homophobic stuff, but if it was done tactfully it could be cracking. Saynt has carved out a wee niche for himself since the start of the feud with the beloved right enough, and he’s now one half of the most promising young tag team in the country. Talented tae. Big Dave The Beloved will need to face the wrath of another big Dave. Dave Conrad. Affectionately known to the ICW faithful as “a version of Martin Smith with social skills and wrestling ability” or eh…something like that. I’m told there was a chant of that nature at the last show. Nae idea who DTB will have partnering him, but I do know it’ll be someone who’s ok with badly disguised homophobic comments and probably someone who slaps his leg really hard when he kicks folk. CM PUNK? Sorry, I’ll stop that now.
Chris Renfrew vs Lou King Sharp
Mind the doing Renfrew took off Hardcore Holly and how iconic it was because he’s Hardcore fucking Holly? The same applies here. Lou King Sharp will probably get the utter shite kicked out of him here. In fact, nae probably about it, yer man’s gonnae die. In the wake of his death, people will recall fondly on how he was chopped so forcefully he went airborne and landed outside Goldbergs dressing room right before he made entrance….in 1999. I suppose Renfrew is a Glesga version of Goldberg in a lot of ways. In the sense that, he has a lovehate relationship with a guy who wears pink (Divers) and he has a calling card that strikes fear into the heart of his enemies. In Goldbergs case it was the triumphant cry of “WHO’S NEXT?”. In Renfrews case it’s a belligerent roar of “WHIT WANNAE YOU CUNTS WANTS CRACKED WAE THIS BRIEFCASE…ALSO…CARD SUBJECT TAE CHANGE!!!!”
Wouldn’t be totally shocked if LKS sneaks a wee win wae a rollup here. Renfrew is sound as fuck when it comes to his willingness to put folk over and it would also throw folk off the scent of him winning the big belt at the Square Go. No matter the outcome of the match, the outcome in life terms will be Lou King Sharp no longer living one. But he’s going out in a (Davey) blaze of glory. Long live the sharp one. Fix up, look deid.
Kenny Williams vs Joe Hendry (ICW Zero-G Title Match, if Hendry loses he leaves ICW)
Why’s there nae graphic for this? Unless I missed it, I couldnae see one. This is high stakes stuff guys. We cannae have this floating about the atmosphere without a fuckin match graphic. Probably is one somewhere right enough. Only place I looked was the event page, but my laziness is not the fuckin point here. Nor it is a point anywhere. The point here is, If Joe Hendry loses he is NO LONGER a member of the ICW roster.
I see this ending one of three ways. First yin, Kenny Williams retains, Joe Hendry batters fuck out of James R Kennedy for putting his career in James R Jeopardy, before signing a developmental deal with NXT the very next morning. Second yin, Joe Hendry becomes the Zero-G Champion after a stunning match. Up there with Coffey vs Williams at the first Spacebaws show, and they continue to feud forever. Handing the belt to each other every 4 or 5 months to keep it fresh. Third yin is some sort of ambigious sketchy finish, where Kenny keeps the belt, Joe stays in ICW, and more importantly…someone gives James R Kennedy a doing. Maybe the two boaysies could pull together and wax his chest or something. Brotherhoods are built on tag team chest waxing. That’s what we were always told as young yins. I honestly have no idea how this one will pan out though. Joe Hendry is too talented to be kept off ICW shows if he’s in the country, so unless there a situation arises that makes him being in the country less likely, I cannae see him losing clean. On the other hand, I can’t see Kenny dropping the belt either, so they’ll probably just wrestle until they both drop deid.
Spacebaws is this Sunday (December 21st) and The Garage, and tickets are still on sale from the usual outlets, and on the door on the night. Get in amongst it.