If you’re reading this right now, I regret to inform you this has all been a lie. In fact. A lie isn’t technically what it is. I am about to write an article that details 10 reasons as to why 2015 might be Dolph Zigglers year but the main reason I’m writing it is a social experiment of sorts, and by “social experiment” I mean “STOP CLICKING ON ARTICLES THAT ARE A TOP 10/20/25/100 LIST OF SOME INANE PISH, STOP SHARING THAT PISH ON SOCIAL MEDIA SITES, AND MAYBE ONE DAY PEOPLE WILL STOP WRITING UNIMAGINATIVE, PICTURE RIDDEN, BUZZFEED CLICKBAIT BOLLOCKS AND ACTUALLY TRY WRITING SOMETHING HAUF DECENT”
Fuck Buzzfeed btw.
I was going to write a wee piece on why all signs for 2015 point towards a decent Ziggler push, so I thought I’d kill two birds with one article and have a wee go at all these fucking articles beginning with “Top *insert number*” because I’m a fuckin wank it would seem. Dolph Zigglers star is on the rise again, and after they somehow managed to completely ruin his title run after that amazing cash-in, WWE have another chance to turn Ziggler in to a main event talent. I will now go on to detail 10 FULL REASONS for his push, because handily there are exactly 10 reasons. No more. No less. Funny how most of these articles have a tidy wee number attached to them eh. Its never “Top 83 reasons to pluck your Da’s knee hair” is it? Always a well rounded, pretty number, that flutters its eyelashes at ye and almost demands you click it. Anyway. It feels like I’m fighting two sides of my brain as I write this. One side telling me to focus on Ziggler. Write something really good about one of your all time favourite wrestlers with hair made out of noodles. The other side really wants to let go of a 10,000 word, type till steam starts coming oot yer ears, vehement ramble about how fucking stupid all these articles are, but we’ll start this top 10 instead. With…. PICTURES
1. There probably aren’t 10 reasons
Lets kick reality for a second guys. There aren’t 10 reasons. Right now I have about 7 in my heid, and I could maybe see another 2 emerging as I write, but 3? Nae chance. So we’ll waste reason 1 on regretting to inform you that there will only be 9 proper reasons. To make it up to you, here’s a picture of Dolph looking really content in a suit. Like he just looked at his phone and he had a text from Mason Ryan about him having Swedish Twins in his hot tub, and how one of them told him she wanted to “see the world”
2. They put him over the guy who goes over everyone (Seth Rollins btw, although I was going to go on to explain that, rendering this entire bit unnecessary)
When Big Show knocked John Cena the fugg out at Survivor Series, Dolph Ziggler was left with a 3 on 1 handicap match. A match which put him up against the Intercontinental Champion, the Money In The Bank contract holder, and a shirtless guy in suit troosers. Not only did he overcome them all, he got through Harper and Kane to be faced with a fresh Seth Rollins. The guy who’s been a central figure to pretty much all of WWEs programming in 2014, and for the past 6 months, the closest WWE have had to having a “guy” and Dolph Ziggler beat him clean. If it wasn’t for Triple H intervening, Ziggler would have pinned the whining one straight up. To allow Ziggler to walk out of that match looking so strong was a huge indicator that they might actually give him a fair shot this time. Since that night he’ regained the Intercontinental Title in one of the best WWE matches of 2014, and he’s continued to put in performance after performance on shows that people are barely watching anymore like Smackdown, and that 3 hour Sunday night show. Here’s Dolph right after he won that match for Team Zigglena. Or after some sort of match anyway. Who the fuck cares. As long as this bit has a photo with it, that’s all that matters.
3. The Famouser Might Pin Someone This Year
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Could ye imagine? I’m of course joking. Here’s a picture of him performing a move I affectionately refer to as “the future 2 count”
4. Triple H acknowledged that they’ve booked him poorly
He kinda did eh. He said something during one of his cheeky promos where he acknowledges what folk have said about him and the company in social media, and at one point it was something to do with Ziggler unless I dreamt this. Fuck knows. Thinking of 10 reasons for things is hard, especially when you have to think about back loading your list with the best ones. Maybe this is a more complexed task than I gave it credit for. Or maybe….NAHHHHHHHHHHH. Here’s Dolph telling the beak he loves what hes done with his hair.
5. He’s pals with Sting
Of course he is. Why else would Sting have come down to save him? Do you honestly think Sting gives a flying fuck about The Authority, justice for the WWE roster, or any of that pish? Of course not. He wipes his erse with a WWE mousemat, and once told The Brookyln Brawler he’s been “jobbing to scumbags for 25 years” . Ziggler and Sting were clearly in cahoots, and in the event of a Big Show heel turn, and Triple Hs meddling, Sting would intervene. So he sat outside in the Bat-mobile (get it? cause he carries a bat? good eh?) and waited for that very scenario to unfold. It did and the rest is history. With Sting advising him, and occasionally leathering wee dicks on his behalf, the sky’s the fuckin limit.
6. They keep giving him the Intercontinental Title
As much as the belt means little these days, one characteristic of guys in Zigglers mould who go on to have main event pushes, is that they’ve usually racked up a lot of midcard title reigns. Jericho is a 12929 time IC Champ, Eddie won all the Cruiserweight, TV, IC and US belts. Bret Hart won the Intercontinental Title so many times, they changed the bloody name of it to the bloody InterCanadiental Title so they didnae. The point is, I think Ziggler only had one IC Title reign to his name before this current run, and now he has 4. They’re building a sexy wee legacy for him, so when he wins the Royal Rumble and then the WWE Title, they can say things like “former 6 time US Champion…..former Royal Rumble winner…only guy to ever make The Miz’s Figure 4 look sore” etc.
7. He’s definitely Billy Gunns illegitimate lovechild. Well…if Billy Gunn shagged Mr Perfects sister, and made a baby wae aw they good wrasslin genes, then if that baby learned how to sell wrestling moves like lethal injections. That’s Dolph Ziggler.
How does that relate to 2015 being Dolphs year? Thats the beauty of these things. It disnae fuckin have to.
8. There are no clear favourites for the Royal Rumble this year. That means Dolph could win it.
This one is true if Roman Reigns gets hit by a bus, or gets an illness lasting exactly 3 full months. Even then, if Daniel Bryan’s somehow ready, he could win it. So could Dean Ambrose. Wouldn’t even rule Cesaro out, but that would require Vince dying before the Rumble, cause as long as he’s about Cesaro’s going naeplace fast. Another thing about these stupid lists is that they dont all have to be true! Yasssssss!
9. Alberto Del Rio is no longer employed by WWE
As much as I’m Bert daft, he was ALWAYS kicking Zigglers heid in, and taking belts off him. With no Bert around to shatter his temple and superkick the bottom row of his teeth in, Zigglers chances of having strong temples and teeth in the bottom half of his mouth are statistically much better.
10. He’s Dolph ‘fuckin Ziggler
One of the most exciting, versatile performers in the fuckin world. Not brilliant on the mic, but when he cuts passionate, shoot style promos he makes me believe. As a wrestler there are few better. WWE without him as an in ring product would be bordering on unwatchable right now, and we’re talking about a company who managed tae fuck up a Bray Wyatt vs Dean Ambrose feud. Point is. Dolph Ziggler was born to succeed. He was born to have people make lists about him. He was born to Zig Zag Seth Rollins so hard he’s laid out for half a fuckin hour, while Sting and Triple H snort at each other. He’s the guy. The Da. The only reason yer maw keeps Sky Sports on. The only reason yer sister changed her name to “the world” cause she’s dying to see what he wants to show her. He will become your NEWWWWWW… WWE World Heavyweight Champion at some point in 2015 or so help me GOD…I’ll do….nothing.
Spirit Squad outro!!!!!!!!!