It’s here again, so let the rampant speculation as to who might win the fucking thing begin. A rumble comprising 30 human people is usually seen as a bit of a lottery, but even though I’m going to talk about a lot of potential winners here, there’s one very clear favourite in my eyes. A guy you’ll hear a bit about later. Until then we’ll talk about some other, less bear-like people who will probably give it a right good go themselves. Best of luck to them all. All 29 of you combined can’t match the immovable centre of gravity a certain big Irish guy possesses, but I think I’ve sooked up his erse enough for now. He’s also very agile. Ok, now I’m done.
1. Mark Coffey
He’s my favourite for the Joe Coffey iron man challenge, but that still doesn’t stop this being a possibility. In fact, sack this. I’ve decided to cheat…
1 (REMIX) – Polo Promotions
Is counting all 4 of them as a single entity perhaps bending the rules when it comes to list making? Of course it is. Do I gie a fuck? Or ever comply to any rules and regulations when it comes to writing? No. Of course no. Snapmare Necks was built off a foundation of rule breaking and snappy catchphrases, and thats why we are Polo Promotions biggest advocates on the internet. So if its THE REAAAAAL DEAL Mark Coffey, SCOTLANDS BEEEEEEEST WRESTLER Jackie Polo, Shagger Of The Century DCT, or a guy wae a whistle COOOOOACH TRIP. It might be Polo Promotions no matter what. Because team-work makes the dream work.
2. Joe Coffey
Well he entered as a favourite after an Iron Man match last year, so why not this year? He has a title shot in his back pocket, so what the fuck does he have to lose. Even running off fumes, some daftys can still be clotheslined over some ropes. Not a fuckin worry.
3. Mikey Whiplash
He who has won a Square Go. Knows how to eh…win another one. So aye. In fact, as much as Whiplash deserves individual praise, I’m gonnae cheat for this one as well. Hold on.
3. Anyone who has previously won a Square Go or high profile Battle Royal
Can we rule Renfrew out? How much of a Renfrew thing would it be to cash in, lose and just go “fuck it, I’m winning this yin anaw”. Red Lightning is getting all the column inches here anaw, but he is the king of sleekitness and could make it happen if he’s had his spinach after he beats Joe 18-0 in the Iron Man match, but aye. Whiplash. In that sort of shape, having already won the fucker before, and having a faint aura scary bastardness about him. Especially with the prospect of Tommy End and Dante uniting with him. In fact, ye know what. I’m gonnae cheat again. Hold on.
3. Anyone who has previously won the Square Go, and The Sumerian Death Squad + Whiplash
4. Noam Dar
Progress are running a show on the same day, and I’m quite lazy so I’ve not actually checked if he’s on that card. If he’s not, I’m making him my own personal second favourite to win this. Well obviously he’s my first favourite in life, but this here battle royal he’s picking up the silver strap…I mean…..medal? Aye. That. Purely because he’s wee, and this other guy’s heavy big, but in terms of making sense wrestling wise, Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar for the ICW Title on some card, somewhere is a thing that makes more sense than all the other things combined.
Have I included Grado for a reason to use that amazing photo of him and Hardcore Holly? Perhaps. Is that any business of yours? Aye. Of course it is. You are the audience and your opinion matters. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Will Grado win it? I seriously doubt it considering his hauners are few and far between (I’m about to cheat again here btw) I mean he has the Buckies and maybe Fito at a push, but pretty much everyone else would like to put him out, and also, so would the Buckies and Fito if the chance presented itself. Sometimes it disnae pay to be a celebrity Grado mate. Anyway, there’s also the added alement of BUCKIES VS SHA AND STONE, and that will be used as an excuse to cheat again…
5 REVISED – Grado and The Buckies vs Sha and Stone
If that becomes an all out war, everyone else might be a casualty of that. Does any of this patter actually matter when I’ve not spoke about my favourite yet? Probably. It’ll matter to someone anyway, but aye. Dont count big Sha or Stone out, because battering Grado seems to rev their engines, and a revved engine is the best kind of engine for winning Square Go’s. Know what else is good for it? Bucky.
6. Kid Fite
Fito has been cracking for around a year. I keep saying that, but it’s true. Watch his wrestling things and tell me otherwise. The difficult thing for Fito when it comes to winning something like this is that a pair of exposed baws might actually do him a lot of good. How keen are you to go near a guy with his baws out? Exactly. So whilst I understand why Fito wanted to move away from that side of his game, the fact of the matter is, a win’s a win. If you need to whap yer meaty clackers out and show them to a bunch of men in a ring with you, fuckin dae it.
7. Big Damo
And here we are. To my favourite. Would make more sense to list him last eh? None of this has made any sense anyway. It’s a top 8 and I’ve spoken about literally everyone with a chance apart fae maybe Divers. This is Big Damo’s to lose though. Simple as that, he’s the biggest, most imposing, most agile (for a bear), most angry, most hairy, most incredible, most experience in rolling beer barrels, most genetic likenesses to a wooly mammoth and last but not least, most likely to win the Square Go. I reckon it would make sense because he’s a believable winner/batterer in general, and he would be inclined to cash in the title shot in a straight up match because he’s not a shitebag, so it would stop the Square Go winner being a central storyline next year and leave it open to allsorts. As good as the Renfrew storyline has been, to keep it going for ages again would exhaust folk. So Damo is my personal favourite to win the fucker, and I was gonnae write that even before he pulled me up for not including him in the Joe Coffey article 😉
8. Kenny Williams
So why keep Kenny Williams to last? Because he’s the most electrying man in Glasgow based sports entertainment? Aye. Thats exactly it. No gonnae dae that whole question talking thing for ages again and lead ye on, he’s purely last because he’s exciting and I want the reading experience to end on a high. How did ye find it anyway? I think typo wise its no bad, so that’s always good. Kenny keeps defending that title and winning those defences, so its natural that he should be looking to follow in the imaginary footsteps of the man he recently retired who claimed he intended to “take home all the titles…the heavyweight and the zero-g….because we know expected Joe Hendry, but instead its yer pal Kenneeee” I mean why the fuck not? Shawn Michaels can win a Rumble, Kenny Williams can win the Square Go.
SUPER SHOCK SURPRISE WAN
Won The SWA Battlezone this year by making two Coffeys vanish. If that disnae make him a serious Square go contender, then I’m not the most entertaining Scottish wrestling blogger in the land. He might. But he probably wont.
To clarify, this blog is for entertainment purposes only. Any complaints regarding protocol can be referred to someone who gives a fuck. Enjoy the show everyone. It should be tremendous, and my body is ready. Is yours?
There comes a time in every man’s life where he has to face down his demons, look at them ruefully and go “ye fuckin whit mate? come ahead” There comes a time where a man must see a gargantuan challenge in front of him. A challenge almost as mighty as the man who issued it, and for once they don’t give in to the fear of the unknown. They don’t give in to the fear of Joe Coffey literally decapitating them with a lariat. That must lead us to ask. Who has the stones to step up and wilfully let Joe Coffey fling them about like wet washing for half an hour on Sunday? My best guess is naecunt. Or a lion wae 4 activated chainsaws taped tae its chest. However in this here article I will evaluate the potential human wrestlers who might actually sack up and grasp the opportunity to have the match of their life in front of 1,200 people, before Joe scurries away to Barramania so he can grasp that belt that has for so long seemed like its his destiny.
1. Lewis Girvan
ICW are trying to get Lewis Girvan connected with the fans. The last Spacebaws show was a fine example of how established talent can you their status an in-ring ability to push an up and comer into the big leagues. It was also a fine example of how two guys can look exactly like each other, and there hasn’t been any sort of cloning process undertaken. I mean look at the who of them. They’re not even cousins or anything man. They come from two entirely different bloodlines and still look like fuckin THAT. They had a physically exhausting war that night, and Lewis Girvan’s stock has never been higher as a result. Add into the mix that Joe Coffey and Girvan had a wee bit of needle on commentary, and Joe delivered the sickest chop since Hardcore Holly chopped Renfrew wae live Piranhas taped to his palm, with Girvan at his mercy, makes this a sensible and intriguing possibility. Girvan is one of the few wrestlers in the country who could make half an hour of wresting Joe Coffey look like a fuckin breeze. Being the youthful wee bastard he is n that.
2. Mikey Whiplash
Look at the fuckin shape this cunt’s in. I’ve been criticised a bit of my overuse of profanity in these things, but honest tae fuckin cuntin fuck, look at the shape. If that’s not a cunt capable of having the fuck knocked out of him for half an hour by Joe Coffey, whilst also dishing out a few fuck knockers himself, then I don’t know what stamina looks like pal. Also, him and Joe have tremendous chemistry. I’m rating it being Whippy as unlikely due to them both sort of being good guys these days, but as a wrestling match, nothing makes more sense than Coffey vs Whiplash. Well actually, theres maybe one option that does, but we’ll get to him in due course. Calm the beans. Make yersell a mug of green tae and relax. We’re just getting started here.
3. Liam Thomson
I’m going to write a thing about potential Square Go winners as well, and I opted for Liam on this list instead of that one. Could have done both obviously, but thats not the fuckin point is it. The point is, a guy like Liam Thomson, without any real allies bar Carmel, has very little chance of winning a thing like the Square Go. Storyline wise though? Nothing makes more sense than Thomson answered the challenge after he toppled Coffey at the last show thanks tae some expert sleekitness. So see if he fancies it? I reckon he has first refusal, and the match would be tremendous. If he doesn’t, I suppose he could dwell backstage, telling groupies how he carries Kid Fite all these years, and how Carmel once burnt the edges on his salami and stilton toastie, and he expressed mild disappointment in the form of a sigh as a result.
Liam Thomson is the guy not wearing sky blue chinos in the photo btw. That’s our Lou King Sharp. Yer wrestler’s favourite maw….or eh…..something……
4. Tommy End
Suppose you could call Tommy End the wildcard of the original list of 5 (spoiler…there is a proper wildcard at the end. I know eh! couldnae bloody help myself could I?) but how incredible would this fucking match be? Half an hour of two of the best heavyweights and Europe kicking the life out of each other, and selling a dazzling array of bendy lariats like their lives depend on it. This would not be a wrestling match, but a rich tapestry of storytelling, pappered by the crips crackling of spinal discs snapping via Boston Crabs and backbreakers. Aye. If Tommy End doesn’t answer the call, its SOMEONES duty to make this match happen at some point.
5. Mark Coffey
I won’t lie, as much as I’ve made an effort making this a decent read. If its anyone but Mark answering the call I’ll personally be gutted. A Coffey vs Coffey match, for HALF A FUCKIN HOUR, with the Iron Man crown on the line? Chuck a slice of Cotsco cake and a pint of Disaronno and Coke (I mean eh…BEER!) and that’s perfection right there. I honestly can’t shake the image of Joe Coming out. Iron Man out his nut. Music still playing. He grabs the mic to issue his challenge, but his music keeps playing. He thinks it’s a mistake. Urges them to “cut his music” and (for some reason) Red Lightning appears via sattelite to explain that “Joe, now think about it mate….thats not JUST your music now is it?” Penny drops. Out comes his very own flesh and blood to attempt to batter him for a solid half hour. Nae breaks. Nae corner teams this time. Non stop action. Fuck yer spitbuckets, the only spitting that should be happening is these cunts spitting their teeth out after they lariat each other intae premature dentures. MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR FUCK SAKE. PLEASE. GOD.
SUPER MENTAL SURPRISE WAN
He’s in much better shape these days and it would be a decent way to re-introduce him to the audience as a wrestler. Particularly against an opponent who he knows well and knows he can have a good match with. Only question mark is stamina. Dropping some beef is fine, but wrestling a unit like Joe Coffey for half an hour requires more. It requires blending a full cow and drinking it as a milkshake (get it? good eh? naw? get tae fuck then) every day, and brushing yer teeth wae girders and rocsalt. It would be the only alternative to Mark Coffey that I’d personally mark out like fuck for though. Red Lightning is the Da.
Whoever it is, Joe Coffey could wrestle a a bit of hard skin aff yer Da’s heel and still make it something worth watching, so it’ll be a rare auld time regardless. No matter who it is, I’m fancying Joe to be standing opposite the ICW Champion at Barramania with his Iron Man crown still atop of his very own dome.
Credits to Warrior Fight Photography, David J Wilson, and probably other folk for the images.
Sweeney’s a frightening man. My first glimpse of him in a wrestling ring involved him diving over the top rope in the Square Go and eliminating himself just so he could batter Rob Mackai. As poor as that is strategy wise, it shows a dedication to leathering cunts that not many can match. Things have been a wee bit different for Sweeney recently though. Dare I say it, showing a bit of a softer side since the birth of his second daughter. God love any poor bastard the lassie brings home when she’s older right enough, but maybe Sweeneys days of smashin jaws and bootin baws are behind him. Or maybe not. Thats why you interview folk. To find such things out. Have a swatch, or else what the fuck else did you open the link for? Exactly mate.
So tell us how you got started in the life of cri…I mean wrestling. The wrestling business is what I mean. No other kind of business that may or may not be legal.
There’s no real way of answering this without sounding like everyone else. One thing I have heard in a lot of interviews is people saying they watched it as a kid then fell away from it or grew out of it. Then as they get older they re-discover it. In my case I never grew out of it or fell away I stuck with it through the good times and the bad times I still watched every week through the dark days of 1995 and then watched it become the in thing again through the attitude era.
The thing is when I was young there was no Scottish wrestling scene so my teenage years were spent getting drunk experimenting with drugs and girls along with getting into fights and being arrested. But to answer your question I found out about the Scottish Wrestling Alliance through Adam Shame. He was a friend of a friend and after contacting him he told me to come along to training. I was 25 at this point and came into wrestling already having a family. So when I see the youngsters coming up now and see the opportunities available to them I hope they realise how good they have it.
You seem to be a bit less…..how can I put it without you leathering me……a bit less vicious these days. Since Mark Dallas announced to the world that you had become a father on the day of Fear and Loathing. Was that something you knew he was going to do?
To answer the first part of your question yes over the last 2 months something has changed I no longer want to look for trouble or get into fights i’m looking to settle down and watch the youngsters do their thing. In regards to the Barrowlands no I did not know Mark was going to mention me becoming a father again. (I already have a 12 year old daughter) but that was the night where everything changed to stand there and have near 2000 people chanting my daughters name was beautiful and made me question what I have to be angry about. That day was the strangest weirdest and best day all rolled into one. I started the day in a hospital delivery room watching my daughter be born a few hours later I was standing in the Barrowlands in front of the best fans in the world bar none and finished the day rocking my daughter to sleep. How can you get a better day than that?
You simply cannot. Unless it involves cake, and hauf bottle, but even then, thats just a wee added bonus.
You left the last Spacebaws show under a cloud of uncertainty. Speaking of your eye being off the ball, and maybe accepting a backstage role at ICW. So I suppose the question is, is there any backstage role that needs a guy who can punch through bulletproof glass?
No there isn’t and that’s exactly my point that guys gone he’s no longer around and I don’t know if he will ever be back or if the fans would even want him back.
Seriously though, what’s the score? Are you done with ICW? Will we not get to see you heider folk over the top rope at the Square Go this year? Say it aint so.
When I was brought in it was as a bit of a problem solver. Mark Dallas had a problem he would call me I would sort it its that simple, one of Marks biggest problems was Jackie Polo who was trying to take the company from him I sorted that and he went away and so did I. Then he came back so I came back I’ve been hounding him for the better part of 2 years but after going one on one with him (and beating him) in Edinburgh during ICW’s fringe run I feel there’s not much else for me to do to him I guess you could say in a way he’s earned my respect. So no you won’t see me in the Square Go.
Spose we’ll settle for an old photo of Sweeney battering Jester then eh.
You and Renfrew are having a cracking time as Street Justice over at Pride. Tell us a wee bit about Pride, and how the Street Justice thing came about?
Street Justice is mine and Renfrew’s way of letting off some steam and having fun. ICW is the big time and is the biggest company in Europe I don’t care what anyone else says that’s the way it is and that’s all business. So we use Street Justice as a little experiment and have a lot of fun doing it. It actually started as a drunken conversation between me and Renfrew that just kept cropping up (Renfrew was one of the first people I met in SWA and we have been good friends ever since) then Pride Wrestling got in touch and the rest is history. In regards to Pride the last year has been a great one for the company and its growing each show. I have personally suggested to the booker that he may have to look for bigger venues.
You’ve had a rivalry with Jackie Polo since you first came back to ICW 2 years ago, and it continues to be as bitter as ever. How much fun has it been getting to batter him, considering he’s a pal? Is it even possible to be Jackie Polos pal actually? I imagine he’s just Jackie Polo 24/7.
Whoah whoah whoah! hang on I didn’t say we were pals I said he’s earned my respect there’s a big difference. Next Question …..
Jackie Polo will always be an enigma eh? Here’s Sweeney leathering Polo. One picture is from 2010, the other from 2014. Can you guess which one is which? I’ll give ye a clue, the one where both wrestlers look like younger versions of their current selves is the old one.
Speaking of Polo. He claims to be Scotlands BEEEEEEEEEST wrestler. Is that something you’d agree with, and if not, who is the best in the country right now in your opinion?
That’s a tough one as the talent is so good at the moment. When I broke in Scottish Wrestling was on its arse we were wrestling in front of sometimes 30 people but we still went out there and put in a shift. There are a lot of people who have been weeded out over the years and deservedly so. Jackie gets it and he had to earn his spot the hard way he was written off by a lot of people because of his attitude but that didn’t put him off. One of the reasons he has my respect is because he doesn’t change for anyone he does his own thing and you can’t fault that. Other talent on the scene at the moment who I enjoy watching are guys like Mark and Joe Coffey, Lewis Girvan, my little buddy Solar ( who had a cracking match with DCT at Fear and Lothian II) and Kenny Williams.
Favourite wrestling/wrestling personality of all time?
Ultimate Warrior was the guy who got me interested but Shawn Micheals was the guy that made me stick around and keep watching then came Steve Austin who made it cool again to be a wrestling fan.
Favourite match of all time if you have one?
Steve Austin Vs Bret Hart Wrestlemania 13 hands down closely followed by Mark Sweeney vs Chris Renfrew in KWA December 2008. You can ask Chris about that one Haha.
I shall. I interview the cunt once a week these days anyway, in the meantime, here’s some photos of the aforementioned match (Sweeney vs Renfrew, not Bret vs Austin)(although that bit in brackets was probably pointless, you’ll see the photos)(thats them below)(have a look)
Last but not least, anything you want to tell us about (like the new range of Sweeney name branded cowboy hats you have coming out…etc) feel free to do that here.
I could sit here and talk all day about things that I enjoy in wrestling and probably even more so about things that annoy me but we will save that for another day as that would be better suited for a podcast as there’s not enough of them around . Thanks for the chat Mertin and remember ………Patter!!
Patter indeed big yin. Hopefully the Snapmare Necks podcast is a rousing success and we’ll have the big man on for a proper chat soon. Not to ruin his hard man image or that, but he sourced out all these photos tae. I may or may not have captioned them right enough. Need to shoehorn my shite patter in anywhere I can eh. Big thank you to Sweeney for doing this, giving us a wee insight to his career/life, and keeping the Jackie Polo enigma strong.
Follow Sweeney on that twitter if you so wish, by going here
A wee picture of an imminent powerbomb to round us off. Polo’s going up hiiiigh.
Photo credits as always to the bold David J Wilson, and of course Chelsea Cochrane. And whoever took the ones of Sweeney vs Renfrew anaw. Cheers for the polaroids ma man.
ICW had a tremendous year last year. Luckily for all of you sexy bastards, every single show ICW had in 2014 was covered on this site. Feel free to do about 4 days of reading and catch up before this documentary airs at 10.35pm tonight.
Tonight could be another one of those landmark moments for ICW, as this documentary has the potential to be even bigger and better than the first one. I fucking hate the mainstream media, newspapers in particular, but they’ve given ICW great exposure in the lead up to this and that can only lead to viewing figures skyrocketing. Anyway, here’s a wee list article as to why you should watch it. If you’re on the fence. Don’t be. Get yer gums (and eyes) roon it. BBC1. Tonight. 10.35pm. What else you doing at that time anyway? Bathing the cat? Making macaroni pictures? Exactly. Wrestling mate. Learn about it, love it and be a bit mental. Insane even.
Christ knows why I’m sooking up his arse considering the fact that he’s still not done my interview yet (I mean I know he’s busy, but I got good sweeties and ginger in for the occasion and he’s no showed 18 times) but aye. I suppose he’s awrite. Seriously though, anyone who’s entertaining enough that he has me out in my living room, sitting wae my mum, with a can of Apple Tango and a wee biscuit, watching River City, must be an entertaining cunt. He will have you pishing yer skants again. Just like the first time.
2. It’ll be fucking good
The cameras were at every ICW tour show, so any shenanigans worth seeing will be on there. It’ll tell a rich story, laden with antics, mild nudity, and probably someone getting launched into a body of water. It would be fucking weird if no one got launched into any bodies of water would it not? Is that now how all documentaries end?
3. Drew and Jester
I imagine the Drew and Jester element of the documentary centres around their feud, but with the added element of both of them doing it in memory of Drews late mother Angela, it’ll be emotional stuff. The feud was already packed with emotion wrestling wise anyway, so aye. Add in the build up for the match on the England tour, and you have some serious violence. All in the name of selling out the biggest venue ICW have run to date. The Barrowlands.
Jimmy fuckin Corkhill was at the Liverpool show man. Jimmy Corkhill knocked Jackie Polo out at said show. ICW Liverpool was just mental in general, but that’s a wee snippet of the type of madness you can expect to see tonight. Also Big Damo tanning a pint handed to him by Boaby The Barman, before charging down to the ring to batter Joe Hendry. Oh, Greg Hemphill and Ford Kiernan also joined Boaby to kick a bunch of people in the baws as well. That was quite something.
5. You might see a bear
Well ….not really. That’s my good mate Mr Chris Toal there in the bear suit, getting ready to box the shite out of a guy in a kilt, then leather a dafty on the mic. Toal is honestly one of my favourite human beings, and I’m proud as fuck that he’s involved in this. You will love him, or he’ll unleash his inner bear and bite your pinky aff.
6. ICW is the one. The first. The last. The everything.
I do the odd bit of proper journalism about ICW, but make no mistake. I’m a fan through and through, and can genuinely tell you that there’s no better night out in Glasgow (or any other city they land in) than ICW. ICW genuinely changed my life for the better and made me love wrestling again, and it can do the same for you if you give it a chance. Watch the thing. Sign up for on demand, and just fuckin be more ICW. You wont regret it.
Insane Fight Club 2 airs at 10.35pm tonight on BBC One Scotland, for the rest of the UK – Sky/951 Freesat/960 Virgin/862
When you talk about wrestling, casual observers pretty much see wrestlers and thats it. Continue reading