Red Lightning sung the Big Shows theme at the end of this show btw. I forgot to put that in first time cause I’m a fuckin idiot, but it was AMAZIN. Anyway…aye…read the review.
ICW probably dont have a main roster do they? I mean, that’s WWE patter man. There’s nae main roster. Nae B-shows. Nae sports entertainment. None of it. Wrestling is all there is. Sure, theres a core group of senior wrestlers (and yes, by senior, I do mean “auld”) who are carrying the company forward. Performing up and down the UK, and getting wrist deep in each and every one of yer sisters, but that doesn’t mean the next generation don’t matter. That doesn’t mean you can just patch a Spacebaws show cause you wont miss anything anyway. See even if you’re not arsed about any of the wrestlers and the stellar work they do, that’s on you. You’re an idiot, but even then, you should still come to these shows regardless, because these shows have Red Lightning doing the thing he does better than anyone in this country still. Nae offence to Renfrew, who has been brilliant this year. Or Jackie Polo, who has his character down to a tee, but they’re both villains. They both hate us. Its nae fun being hated. Even if you can admire the promos for their content and delivery, naecunt likes being told they’re a dick.
Red Lightning in Spacebaws is just a man doing an extremely difficult job as best he can, and being as captivating on the mic as ever. Having to deal with such awful patter as “You’re just a shite Paul Heyman” and “Who the fuck are you” Who the fuck is he? The guy who packed The Garage to the fuckin rafters before most people had even heard of ICW. The villain who would put all yer favourites to shame. The prick. The one who killed the dreams of so many folk who wanted that ICW Title for their very own. He always won. Always. He always retained, until the one fateful day where he didnae, but for the best part of a year, Red Lightning was the guy, and he fuckin earned that. He earned your respect and he commands the respect of everyone on “his” show. Thats why Kenny Williams came out wanting assurances from HIM that no one would interfere in his match with Joe Hendry later that night. Only fro Kenny to instead be met by Noam ‘fuckin Dar. The thing about these Spacebaws shows is they’re supposed to be for younger talents, and technically Noam Dar falls intae that bracket. Just because he’s been on shows at The Garden since he turned 11 disnae make him any less of a young pup. Makes all the fuckin sense tae see him show up in his trendy mod parka, and ironic sunglasses to have a wee word with his pal Kenny. They exchanged proper best pal patter about how many burds they’ve both shagged, and how much Ket they’ve done off the back of a strippers neck in any given weekend, before seeming to settle on having a wee match at some point down the line for Kennys shiny belt. Red Lightning was not too keen on that however, telling them both to wheesht, before telling Kenny that he had no worries for the main event. Even the way he told Kenny tae “go get ready” with an almost Da’ like wink in his direction that said “ye can trust me kid” wis fuckin entertaining. Red Lightning is the Da.
Not surprising that a show run by the antagonist of every ICW storyline worth paying attention to 2 years ago, is running supposed trainee/B shows that perfectly set up one of the biggest matches in ICW history. Aye fuck you. I’m calling it that, cause it fuckin is. Drew Galloway vs Chris Renfrew for the ICW Title is huge. For me just as huge, if not even more important than Galloway vs Jester, because a lot hinges on this. A lot of the core fanbase are absolutely feverish at the prospect of Renfrew finally cashing in and becoming champ and him losing might alienate a few folk, but on the other hand you have a proved performer, and one of the most recognised faces in Pro Wrestling stoating about the globe with that shiny belt. So its a case of somehow building a feud, and finding a way to have a fucking fantastic match, with an ending that the vast majority of folk will be awrite with. A delicate balance, but if the work of Renfrew and Drew on this show is anything to go by, they’re doing a fuckin outstanding job of it. A match built to perfection, and two talented young wrestlers have their profiles raised tenfold by both taking an absolute kicking and continuing to come back for more. Lou King Sharp and Lewis Girvan, we’ve all known you’re both dynamite for a while, but now so many more folk have seen it. Everyone who watched On Demand, and everyone who came to the show knows fine well you two are ready. Grab that fuckin brass ring while its within touching distance.
We were introduced to our commentary team for the evening and with Billy Kirkwood missing the show to wander around the Ayrshire countryside foraging for some potent shrooms, it was down to Simon Cassidy to pull double duty as a ring announcer/commentator, an Joe Coffey to pull double duty as a commentator/MIGHTY wrestler. Joe cut a wee promo about how CM Punk was too much of a shitebag to answer his Iron Man challenge, but fuck him and his trendy sideburns. He looks like he does a lot of wanking in comic book store bathrooms. Nah. Tonight was about the lads n lassies at Spacebaws, and they were about to tear The Garage a new arsehole. Well maybe thats a bit severe eh. Cannae throw terms like that around like they don’t matter, but lets say they were at least gonnae tear the place a new earhole. A tiny wee earhole located just below yer chin, so ye can hear the screams of the ghosts of whatever deid animal ye might be eating at any given time. Anyway. Wrestling.
Jackie Polo and DCT vs Sweeney and Solar
Solar’s taken a wee bit of constructive criticism over the past year or so. Folk saying he’s too skinny and all that shite. In a lot of ways, they have a point. Especially in a company where no one else has that particular sort of build, it makes it difficult for any match he has to look like a fair fight, but the thing that makes all that shite irrelvant is the fact that Solar is quite fucking good. Jackie Polo and Solar had numerous exchanges in this match that were technically engaging as fuck. A series of pin attempts from Polo on Solar, using his knees to apply pressure to the shoulders, with Solar wriggling out any way he can. That’s entertainment. Thats showbiz man. That’s what puts dicks on seats. A license tae print money. At one point Solar climbed Polo, before sliding down the back of him for a sneaky rollup. Actually climbed Jackie Polo like there was a shoot at the the top of him, before sliiiiiiding all the way down. Some kicks to the back of Jackies hamstrings followed, only for the Scoop Slam clinic to finally begin. The moment we’d all been waiting for. SCOOP.
DCT came in for a few scoops of his own, before the tables finally turned as Solar got yer man Sweeney in with a hot tag. Sweeney came at em like a house on fire! Like Bam Bam Bigelow on the tenner swedge. Heidering everyone in the audience, before returning to the ring to performing a crushing scoop slam of his own on DCT. Scoop number 2 was interrupted by Coach Trips whistling away like yer Da over enthusiastically reffing yer Primary 5 fitba games, only for Solar to jump across and kick him as hard as he could. Square on the right tit. As Sweeney stopped to applaud his heroism, he had his knee callously taken out by DCT swinging the Polo mallet once again. Polo got himself involved with another one of they really soft tags yer Polo Promotions guys do. I swear, its like they’re gently rubbing handcream on each other or something. Ye’ve all heard of hot tags, bit this is a new thing. Cute tags for best pals. Jackie dialled the scoop slamming up to 1000 by hitting Sweeney with three of the fuckers, but then Solar got back in and went insane. Two dropkicks didn’t manage to take Polo off his feet, but the headscissors takedown did. DCT sneaked in and found himself being hauled in the general direction of Polo before taking a snapmare, double knee combo, but Solars attempts to pin the tache were met with confusion. He’s not the legal man Solar mate. Turn around. HE’S BEHIND YOU. Too fuckin late. Polo was back in and with Sweeney down and out, he planted Solar with the Polo Plex to give his team the win.
A few important things happened in this match, so lets sum them up like this is Match Of The Day or suhin. Alan Shearer thinks Solar done a lot of good things as he attempts to climb the ICW ladder once again. His chemistry with Polo is undoubted and he’s still probably the most athletic guy on the roster. So this match was a decent exhibition of that. Alan Hansen thinks Jackie Polo is the scoop slam king, and any pretenders need to focus less on scoop slamming folk, and more on watching the fuckin throne. Alan Iverson thinks that Sweeney snapping his sunglasses before literally taking Solar under his wing and trudging to the back is a clear indication that we might have seen the last of Sweeney in ICW and if thats the case, all the best to ye big man. You’ve been ridding this company of scum since day one. Its uptae someone else to enforce justice and leather cunts indiscriminately. I’ll never forget Sweeney chasing Polo round The Garage for the duration of a show about a year and a half ago though. I wish I wrote about these shows back then, cause that was one of the most amusing things I’ve had the fortune of being around. WRESTLING.
Thanks to the three Alan’s for their time.
Jeremy Feerick vs David “Yum Yum” Devlin
I’m not entirely sure if changing Jamie Feerick’s gimmick to a talk show host named “Jeremy” is an attempt to make me want tae slap him even MORE than I do currently, but it didnae work. In fact, his attire was similar to that of yer 80s/90s WWF referees and that made me long for a simpler time; Where colourful gear is more important than anything wrestling related, and a tag team where the two guys are killer bees, with absolutely no back story as to why they turned intae bees and if either of them would ever use their sting to win a match, can get over. The only thing that irked me about it was the one hand behind the back patter, because it was almost like Noam Darr’ing if ye were on the blues. Ye want to do a full Noam Dar, but you physically cant lift the other arm, and ye settle for a wee hauf one. Ultimately, it done nothing to affect how I seen this match, cause I still wanted Mr Devlin to kick his cunt in.
For those of you who don’t know (that means you’ve not seen the Devitt documentary that aired on RTE, and that makes you a fuckin tube) David “Yum Yum” Devlin unfortunately lost a baw thanks to an injury suffered in a match with Mikey Whiplash last year. Whilst that shouldn’t affect who you support in a match, it makes it a lot easier to back Yum Yum given the fact that he seems like a sound cunt. Sound cunt-ness is an extremely underrated and important element of pro wrestling. One which will always lead me to gloss over any technical faults in favour of completely overblown praise about the stuff that’s actually good. Devlin kicked the living shite out of Feerick for large parts of this, but Feerick is crafty. He does sling a good neckbreaker. He likes a knee to the jaw. He was responsible for the worst splash in the corner I’ve ever seen right enough, and when the follow up attempt was blocked, Devlin near caved his chest in with some vicious kicks, before a sexy wee backslide pin got Devlin the win. Despite Feericks protestations that he kicked the rope before the 3 count. Nae joy. The battle of the ex refs ends in favour of the one who didn’t sell his soul to the devil of ofcom (yees aw mind that storyline aye? course ye dae 😉 )
Fuckin triumph. Know what I admire the most about Devlin aside from his deceptive agility? The fact that he loves something so much, it can be responsible for taking one of his baws, and he still keeps doing it. That says a lot about what Pro Wrestling is to him. A labour of love. He’d still be kicking people in the chest even if wrestling somehow managed to take his legs.
8 person Square Go, winner gets a spot in the 2015 Square Go
Before I go on a pure fanboy ramble about how much of a unit Nathan Black is, and how much he chucked pretty much everyone he came near in this match about like an empty shellsuit, I’ll say this. Viper should be in the Square Go no matter whit. I know she didnae win this battle royal, and thats quite sad, but so fuck. Get her in the mix anyway. Nacunt will remember this even happened by the time the Square Go comes round, so if ye fancy sliding her in there, we’ll all be fine wae it. Trust me. There wont be anyone calling for storyline cohesion cause a Viper appearance at the Square Go means we get tae see Viper again very soon, and thats not a bad thing…its….a good thing.
Viper started off this 8 person SqGo with TJ Rage, and the big man made a big song and dance about her being a burd, and how its frowned upon for men to hit women, so she should jump over the top rope and save him the bother of being judged. She chose an alternate route, so he hit her hunners, then Feerick and Devlin re-emerged one after the other to continue their clash of the titans, before STONE COLD…STONE COLD…BAH GAWD KING…HES HERE. He immediately punch everyone with a mouth, square in the mouth, before squaring off against TJ Rage in a gargantuan battle of the bald guys from opposing wrestling schools. Stone Cold Bobby papped TJ Rage out, before both Feerick and Devlin were papped out one after the other so they could continue lightly peppering each other with jabs all the way backstage. Yum Yum is another one who should absolutely be in the Square Go regardless. As should the next man to enter this mini SqGo. SAQIB ALI. Perhaps the most underrated guy in Scottish wrestling. Know why? Cause naecunt calls him underrated. Even underrated cunts, with a lot of people calling them Underrated at least have a following. Wheres team Saqib? Cunt can fuckin go, but he also got papped out eventually by the combined efforts of Stone Cold Boab and Viper, and that left two more entrants. Both sinister. A wee bit different. Both would probably chose your murder weapon to be your own arm, as they gnaw it clean off yer shoulder and batter you over the melt with it, but the difference entrant number 7 – Switch, and entrant number 8 – Nathan Black, is that Nathan Black is fuckin HUGE.
Switch decided his best chance of winning would be to wait until we were down to the last entrant, so he fucked about ringside for a bit. Tearing the eyes out of the teddybear he carries to the ring with him, and shoving them up his nose to pass the time before Nathan Black emerged, and there he was. Good lord in heaven, there he fucking was. Nathan Black is at least 6’9. Probably a bawhair aff 300 pounds, and he has this insatiable habit where he hits the sarest looking muscle buster on planet earth. Switch knows all about it, the big man hit him with at least 10 of them. Before that he chucked Stone Cold Bobby and oor Viper tae fuck, after hitting them with a fairly beautiful double chokeslam, before Switch finally entered the ring. Without knowing fully what Nathan Black is capable of, you thought Switch might have a shot. He’s violent, he’s creepy, he chews gravel flavoured chewing gum, and exhales wee speckles of igneous rock as he does it, but he had fuck all. Nothing. He looked like he meant business, but you cannot buy size. Theres nae illusion that can create the illusion of a cunt being huge, unless you get three normal sized folk stuffed into one huge coat. So as scary as Switch is, nothing is as scary as being nearly 7 feet tall and build like a brick shithouse, so of course Switch was tossed out, and about 15 Muscle Busters later, Switch was deid. Long live the Switch.
Nathan Black is a big fuckin unit. He might not win the Square Go, but I will be damned if I dont see him gorilla press at least 10-15 people over his napper, and chuck them in the general direction of Sauchiehall Street. Welcome back to ICW big yin. Folk that are a wee bit different get on quite well here, so you and your frightening demeanour will do just fine.
The Gatecrashers vs David The Beloved and Euan G.Mackie
So a religious zealot who picked a fight with the only openly gay wrestler in Scotland (and one of the few in the world I imagine) needed a partner. In the time since Christopher Saynt and David The Beloved first came together in a harmony of hatred, Chris Saynt has got himself some serious hauners. Big Dave Conrad is now is ally for life, so as much as Chris Saynt will have been keen to get David The Beloved one on one, building The Gatecrashers as viable opponents for the tag champions is more important. Lets kill two birds with one flying uppercut eh. Saynt vs The Beloved, but The Beloved needs to find hauners of his own cause if he disnae, these two denim clad cunts will take great pleasure in teeing off on his jaw. The Beloved did find someone though. One of gods forgotten miracles. A man who delves in the darkness, and regularly comes up with monsters. Maybe thats what the beloved truly is. A monster who gets decent hangtime on his spinning heel kicks. That monster refused to engage with the Saynt. Instead sending Mackie towards The Gatecrashers like a sacrifical lamb in a tutu. Aw naw.
Saynt took him off his feet with a dropkick, before big Conrad got in and drove his shoulder into the combination of fairy dust and nightmares that make up Euan G.Mackies insides. Conrad even found time for a wee flip in the middle of all the shoulder attacks, and immediately followed it with an Alabama Slam, a combination of moves we will be referring to a “The Conrad Concerto” from here on out (if he ever does it again) Mackie blocked the powerslam attempt after that though, and in came The Beloved. Wee bit of double team action from him and Mackie, proving that they’ve not taken this unlikely alliance lightly. In that gym, 24/7, working on their quads, and aw sorts of flippy double team shit. The Beloved then sunk to his knees and delivered some chops to Conrad, before the two Daves exchanged a series of forearms that looked a bit like an interpretive dance battle at the start. The battle was won by a huge lariat from The Beloved, before Mackie got in on the fun wae some sliced bread (I mean the wrestling move Brian Kendrick does btw, he didnae start leathering him with a loaf of Mothers Pride)
Of course this was all building to a pair of rid hoat tags. Mackie was taken out with a big clothesline, and it was time for Dave Conrad to tag the fuck out. He’d taken a beating that’ll stay with him to his dying day, and considering the fact that we look exactly alike (aside from him being physically fit, and still having life in his eyes) that means I feel his pain. It was fuckin sare. We needed attended to. The tags were made. Saynt finally got in there, with a seemingly unaware David The Beloved, and The Beloved got LEATHERED. Aw the double knees from Saynt, after he’d knocked the living shite out of him with a succession of mad frantic jabs. Mackie got involved again, only to be scooped up and powerslammed intae another dimension by Conrad. Oor Dave took a beauty of a spinning heel kick before Courtney appeared to hand him something. Oh aye btw, thought I’d make that a wee surprise for yees. Courtney is now a Gatecrasher. Accompanied them to the ring n that. The Beloved took umbrage to her meddling and decided she needed to meet god, but his attempts to sacrifice her were thwarted by a couple of human heroes. Yer Gatecrashers pulled her down off the cross, before putting The Beloved away with a back suplex into a neckbreaker. 3 count. Retribution gained. Games a bogey.
Chris Renfrew vs Lou King Sharp (I Quit Match)
Stay the fuck down. Please.
I had heard a wee bit about Lou King Sharp before I first seen him live. All reports seemed to confirm that he was a charismatic wee bastard, who could actually make a wee something of this wrestling carry on. The only way that was gonnae happen after Spacebaws is if Lou King Sharp would do himself a favour and say the magic words. “I….fuckin….quit”
Chris Renfrew likes Lou King Sharp anaw. He’s a gallus wee cunt who disnae gie much of a fuck about authority, or what society deems an acceptable colour for yer trousers. Renfrew respects that cause its different. Renfrew sees a lot of his younger self in the Sharp one, and even enjoys hearing him use Renfrews old theme music. What Renfrew does not like about Lou King Sharp is that Lou King Sharp is attempting to make a name for himself in ICW by taking shots at the kingpin. The leader of a diabolical pack of wolves known as the NAK, who have probably shat bigger problems than Lou King Sharp. I admire ye Lou, I really dae. If I was to do one of they cliche new year articles about “ones to watch” (and I probably will) you’d be near the top of that list. In fact, fuck it. You are top. You’re the one to watch, and I wisnae ready to see out 2014 by watching you die. DONT YOU DIE ON ME LOU. FOR GOD SAKES ITS NEARLY CHRISTMAS!
Then Renfrew got a bit irked. He gave Lou a chance to walk away. He didnae. Instead he gied it a bit of lip. And took a standing dropkick. Mind Renfrew used tae be a big unit? Mind that shit? He’s still big, but thanks to the weight loss he can also fuckin leap, and that makes him pretty dangerous. He also has the divine right to dae whatever the fuck he wants, and he decided that the method he was going to use to win this match was getting his opponent to submit. For a bit of clarity for folk wondering what the fuck was going on here, the way I see it was Renfrew merely stated a preference. Every match is an I Quit match in a way, cause you can always win wrestling matches by getting your opponent to say “nut…im done, he’s just punctured ma lung wae a drawing pin…its over” So all Renfrew done was introduce a mic into the situation and encourage Lou to quit. Me clarifying that will make hunners of sense a bit later. Trust me.
So Renfrew strung together a pair of vertical suplexes. Asking Lou before each one if he wanted to quit. Both times Lou King Sharp called Renfrew a fat wank. Big mistake. Renfrew is correctly quite proud of his weight loss, and does not like being reminded that he was once a more rotund figure. Two suplexes for you Lou. Please give the fuck up wee man. Elbow, knee and bass drops fae Renfrew, before he fishooked the top of LKS’s gub, whilst force feeding him hungry piranhas. Theres nae shame in it mate. Say the magic words. Thunderous chops, a big shoulderblock and a million jabs to the nut. Its a massacre king. Ring the damn bell. He’s already dead.
Ye know how the old saying goes but. Ye cant start a fire. Ye cant start a fire without a spark, so when Renfrew took the mic and said ask him…..he lit a fire under Lou King Sharp. Renfrew slumped in the corner, surveying his pray. WALLOP. Dropkick from Sharp right to his jaw. Fix up, look ALIVE. A flurry of heidbutts and jabs in the corner had Renfrew sparkled. The Lou King Sharp show had officially begun. Just when we were all getting the flatcaps, and leather jaiskits on to commemorate this momentus occasion, Renfrew stomped a mudhole in the festivities, and pished in that mudhole. Greetings from Silent Hill. Sit doon ma man. Its not your night.
LKS nearly stole it with the small package, but Renfrew was obviously irked at that. If he’s trying to win by getting Lou to give up, he expects the same in return. He gave him another chance to walk away, and thats the point where Lou King Sharp became my hero cause he grabbed the mic and uttered the immortal words. “I’ll walk away tae shag your maw” To say that choosing that combination or words was a poor decision would be an understatement. And the thunderous sitout firemans carry slam that came with it probably wisnae all that welcome either. He gave Lou one last chance. Salvation. Say the words. Two words and it all stops. He refrained from saying any words this time, launching spitbomb right between Renfrews eyes. STONER outta nowhere. Fuck yer I Quit. Count the pin Sean. 1…2….3. Renfrew wins.
Thats the win in the bag. Not the way he wanted it, but Renfrew seemed fine with it. Stay the fuck down kid. For the love of fuck, do not do anything else to anger this cunt. Certainly don’t grab the mic, and say “I’m not dead yet! PRICK!” cause that would probably be the worst thing ye could….aw fuck, he’s said it. Shite. Renfrew charged back towards the ring, wae steam and probably something illegal coming out his ears. Second rope stoner. Any last words Lou ma man? Before a one man killer boots on top of the briefcase scrambles yer brains for good?
“Believe it or not I’m still your maws favourite wrestler!”
You certainly fuckin are ya cheeky shite. Renfrew decided against the one man Killer Boots. Lou King Sharp had earned his respect. Earning Renfrews respect and dropping some killer patter in the one night. No mean feat. Well done to Lou King Sharp. He deserves your support in the coming year, cause he’s working hard to make an impression. Renfrew also worked hard to make an imprint of his boot live permanently on Lou’s dome, but thats life int it. Sometimes you’ve got tae get booted aff a few bastards, before you become a prince.
Layla Rose vs Sammi Jayne
Ah Layla. Sometimes its difficult when a female wrestler catches your eye in more ways than just being brilliant at what she does. We’re all human people, who occasionally find other human people attractive, and to say that is the situation when it comes to me watching Layla Rose wrestle would be an understatement. She’s just……..marvellous. Gives off an air of “I don’t give a fuck about anything you love” and she looks and wrestles like someone who could batter ye without breaking sweat. If that’s not what you’re looking for in a wuman, I dunno. You were probably raised incorrectly and should seek retribution on your parents. There were a few moments in this match where it genuinely looked like a German tank had hit Sammi Jayne (probably due to the fact that a German tank kept hitting Sammi Jayne) but she kept swinging, continually booting Layla square on the jaw, and even trying out her finisher, only for Layla to jump out the way. It felt like Layla was maybe toying with Sammi at times. Even when she did get the upper hand in the corner, Layla grabbed her and sent her face first to the middle turnbuckle.
A big powerslam seemed to have the job done and dusted for the majestic being known as Layla, but in her infinite grace she decided to stop the pin early, and instead put Sammi on her back like she wis a fuckin saddle, and send her jaw first to the canvas. Barbie Breaker delivered, 3 count and the win for Layla. Layla Rose continues to impress, as a wrestler, and as a female in general. Aye……Layla’s good.
Kenny Williams vs Joe Hendry (Title vs Career Match)
We’re not ready for either of these things to end. For fuck sake. Kenny Williams was born to be the Zero-G Champion and still has another 10-12 years (aye thats no a typo, hes staying here forever and thats that) of holding that belt in him. He must retain. But if he retains, Joe Hendry is gone for good. James R Kennedy decided putting Joes career on the line for another shot at the gold was something Joe would be fine with. The risk will motivate him he though. Joe did not agree. Refusing to even led Kennedy accompany him to the ring as he looked more focussed than he ever has before. Fuckin in amongst it Joe. Keep that career alive and take that belt…I mean….eh…..KENNY IS THE BOLLOCKS…KENNY IS THE BOLLOCKS…NA NA NA NA. Aw for fuck sake, this is too much, just start wrestling please. The only thing that can distract from this anxiety about the outcome is the match itself, so get it fuckin going!
Get fuckin going they did. Stringing together all sorts of holds and reversals, with Kenny taking three snapmares, only to evade the follow up chinlock every single time. Sending Joe to the mat with a belter of a spinning heel kick to end the wee sequence. Joe rolls out for a wee breather. Round 1 to Kenny. All the finishers got blocked tae fuck after that. Freak Of Nature? Get it tae fuck. Quiff Buster? Yer aw bluster. Christmas Gift? Ye need tae work on yer deadlifts. I tried to make that funny, but the point is, none of those moves hit the target. Lewis Girvan sauntered out to annoy Joe Coffey on commentary just in time to see Kenny hit a beauty of a hurricanrana. Wee baseball slide dropkick through the ropes followed, surely the suicide dive next aye? Well, sort of. The dive was suicidal as fuck, but not strictly a Suicide Dive. It was a Senton off the top rope, which landed on Joe Hendry somewhere near the exists, so the point is. Yer man Kenny done some travelling. A series of reversals was brought to a close by a big heid removing lariat from Joe. Kennys Bollocks were lodged somewhere in his small intestine after that, and a huge back elbow off the ropes had Kenny gasping, but he blocked Joes deadlift German Suplex by grabbing the top rope and shoutin for his mammy, and it worked a treat as he reversed the waistlock and tried the O’Connor Roll (totally nicked the name aff Joe Coffey on commentary, had nae idea what it was called) but Joe Hendry blocked that, Springboard back elbow from Kenny had him back in the ascendency again. I never thought Kenny and Joe would produce something up there with the work of art Mark Coffey and Kenny gave us in the main even of the first Spacebaws show, but its like somecunt bottled that match and gave Joe and Kenny a pint of it each, because it was seeping out their pores. Storytelling gidness. The story looked like it was turning into the epic finale of a western as both men stood toe to toe, treating us to a barrage of forearms, chest slaps, uppercuts and kicks to the dome. Somecunt get them some water or they’re gonnae perish. This isnae the mystery of shadowboxing troops, you’re actually hitting each other. Someone might die.
Kenny managed to get Joe in a precarious position with his heid poking out the ropes, and used that precarious position to pay homage to Liam Thomson with the dropkick. Anycunt that does things inspired by Liam Thomson is practising good wrestling. Thats a rule. Another attempt at the O’Connor Roll led to a 2 count, and this shit had suddenly got hard to process. Too much good wrestling things happening too quickly. Big penalty kick to the chest form Kenny brought him another 2 count. All of a sudden a flying knee to the jaw was evaded by Joe and it took referee Sean McLaughlin clean out the game. Whilst he was asking the wee birdies floating round his heid to wake him up when its Christmas, Kenny took Joe out the game with his second Hill Valley Knee attempt, but didnae have the energy, or anyone in a black and white shirt, to count for him. Still followed it up with a mad bulldog thing in the corner, which pushed Joes two front teeth through his nose, just in time for Kenny to catch them in his back pocket. Up top he went to put the match, and Joe Hendrys ICW career tae bed, but look who it isnae. James R.Kennedy wriggles the top rope, and Kenny goes baws first intae it. Joe is suddenly invigorated. Wide eyed. He wants to do battle with Kenny again in ICW and the only way to do that is to put him to the sword. Even if it takes a bit of help ye might not have wanted, the important thing is keeping that fuckin job mate. Cling on tae it for dear life. Freak of Nature off the top rope. Thats got tae be it. Jobs a fuckin bogey mate. Games a good one. Get him covered and get you a shiny belt.
Still nae ref right enough. James R.Kennedy probably should have brought one out wae him eh. If only he wisnae being a total cheating bastard. Kennedy climbed in the ring and handed Joe a belt he was yet to earn. “Go on son, hit him with it, make yourself a staaaaaaaar” but Joe refused, and Kennedy caught the Hill Valley Knee. Joe used that distraction to hit the Christmas Gift and that was indeed that. New. ICW. Zero. G…aw fuck, whit dae mean theres still nae ref? Are you taking the piss? Where’s Mike Chioda when ye need the cunt? He was always the one that came running out whenever Earl Hebner got KO’d. Big Tam The Vigilante eventually made it out, just in time for Kenny to kick out at 2. ITS STILL ALIVE. HOW THE FUCK???
Kennedy climbed onto the apron once more, and this time the verbal warfare with his client lead to the O’Connor roll from Kenny again. 1…2……NUT. Off the ropes, sidewalk slam blocked, reversed, QUIFF BUSTER. 1….2……….ITS DONE. Kenny Williams retains and Joe Hendry’s face is gone. Forever.
Joe Hendry being gone from ICW is upsetting enough right. Many people flooded to the exits in tears, and a lassie pal of mine actually jumped in front of a bus. It stopped before it hit her and asked “Whit is it hen? Is it Joe?” and when she nodded in agreement, he gied her a 20p mixture and said it would all be fine. Thats how upsetting it was, and James R.Kennedy climbing in the ring and slapping him in the face after making the decision that ended ICWs affiliation with said face? Not fuckin on. He had an insurance policy out with him though. In the form of a tank for hire named Timm Wylie, and he was getting ready tae spear, only for the “plan” Red Lightning was on about to come into action. ITS BIG FUCKIN DAMO. Providing hauners for Joe Hendry of all people, as he cleaned Wylie out with a lariat before tossing him out the ring and shaking hands with a man who was once his mortal enemy. Joe Hendry has earned your respect, and admiration for the wonder that is his face. If he is moving on to pastures new, its been a pleasure to watch him improve and make such a huge impact since making his debut less than a year and a half ago. As for Kenny. Keep fucking tearing it up. These Spacebaws shows will continue to be must see as long as that quiffed up cunt is doing his thing in the main event, although this time he wasn’t technically in the main event……
Lewis Girvan was still hingin aboot. He who hingeth aboot getteth hee-haw as a famous auld cunt once said, so he transitioned from hingin about to staring down Kenny Williams in the ring. And he transitioned from that, to handing Kenny his belt, gently moving towards attacking Kenny and smashing him over the nut with said belt. With Kenny out cold, Girvan took to the mic and shouted about Galloway not being there. Before lining up the Futureshock DDT, but this is not Lewis Girvans show. You do not get to stoat out and DDT the Zero-G Champion unless Red Lightning thinks its awrite. Red Lightning did not think it was awrite. In fact, Red Lightning thought it was about time Lewis Girvan learned a few lessons. He put a stop to the Futureshock and shared some of his infinite wisdom with Lewis. First of all, Drew Galloway is in Denmark mate. Stop whinging about it. Second of all, ICWs year was ending here. You’ve no got a match. Get yersell tae fuck. Thirdly, ignore the first two things, those were outright lies. And the fourth thing?
Be very careful what you wish for.
Lewis Girvan vs Drew Galloway (ICW Title Match)
Lewis put that wee image on Facebook himself btw. All credit to him for it, but it gives you a wee idea of the magnitude of what he was facing. Its strange to call Drew a bit of an old hand at this, given the fact that he’s only 29, but the cunt was 6 foot 2 when he was in Primary 4. He’s been wrestling for a while, and he decided he wanted to make December 21st, 2014, his last match of a rollercoaster year. He decided to answer a challenge that Lewis Girvan might not have truly been expecting him to answer. I mean it says a lot that he challenged him to a match on a night where he knew Galloway would be wrestling in Denmark the previous night, but guess whit. HE’S HERE.
Oh aye. And the match was made a title match. Of course it was. Last ICW show of the year. Fuck it. Drew against Drewnior (get it….its like, Drew and Junior combined? naw? shite? awrite fine, its shite) belt on the line. Lewis wasn’t as keen to face Drew when he actually had to fuckin face Drew. Thats when the fantasy becomes a reality, and thats when you call in the reinforcements. HEATH….WE NEED YE.
Heath Slater was tossed towards the lion under duress and he got knocked the fuck out. It was actually Heath Slater btw, naw seriously. It wis. Look at that photo and tell me it isnae Heath Slater in both of them. If you tell me that, you’ve just told me a lie and we are no longer pals. Anyway aye. Wrestling.
It all started so well for Lewis anaw. Using a wee game of chasies to lure Galloway over to the other side of the ring, before he scudded his chest with a big boot. Then it all went a big wrong. First he was launched heid first towards the balcony, before Drew dragged Lewis around to all 4 corners of the building, chopping the living fuck out of him as they stoated. He also encouraged members of the audience to chop him, and each and every person who did, done a fuckin awful job. Glad I wasn’t a part of it anyway, let me tell ye. I certainly didn’t deliver a chop that was akin to me lightly rubbing baby powder on his chest. Point is. Lewis was taking a fucking kicking, and taking it like a champ. He even found Joe Coffeys Christmas Tree embeddd in his skull, and despite the fact that Drew was partly responsible for that (because he sort of hit him with it n that) Joe decided it was Lewis Girvans fault and delivered another thunderous chop, adding to the collection of chest welps he was stacking up. Each chest mark would then go on to morph into the face of a different dictator from the ages. The one I gave him was Mussolini btw…I mean….eh….I didnae chop him. Honestly. It wisnae me. WRESTLING.
Drew got us back to wrestling fundamentals after he tossed Girvan back in the ring. The good old days when wrestling was about wrestling, not about fannies living out soap opera storylines in spandex. He took us back to the good old days by picking up the arse end of a Christmas tree and scudding poor Lewis over the napper with it for a 2 count. Lou Thesz would have wiped a tear of pride from his eye if he seen this. That was when Girvan took the form of the man he was compared to in the photo at the top. A Christmas tree over the napper is apparently the thing that makes Lewis Girvan hulk up, and hulk up he certainly did. Ducking Drews attack on the apron, before sending him over the barrier with a baseball slide and clearing the top rope with a huge dive. Lewis Girvan had it in the palm of his hands at that point. The belt was practically his. Well….no quite, but Drew Galloway was no longer on his feet, so a sense of accomplishment must have been felt as Girvan leathered Drew with uppercuts and forearms in the corner. Effective as fuck. Uppercuts and forearms rely on you using hard parts of the body to cause pain on the opponent, so they’re gonnae be sare regardless. Chops though? Ye need tae know yer limits with chops. If a guy is at least 6 inches taller than you, and has a good few stone on ye weight wise anaw, dont fuckin chop him. Certainly dont KEEP on chopping him after he’s shaken his head and said NO MORE. But Lewis did, and Lewis got hit with a fuckin atomic chop in response. Launching Girvan about 15 feet into the air, and catching him with a chop on the way down. Saaaaaaaaare.
Girvan was still in amongst it battling right enough. Theres nae I in quit as they say, and there’s certainly nae I in Lewis Girvan is there? Exactly mate. A couple of stiff high knees took Drew down to one kneww, and he proposed the removal of Lewis Girvans jaw with a huge punt kick tae the heid. Aw naw. Here comes the big man. Splash in the corner followed up by a huge flying clothesline took Girvan off his feet. Futureshock surely coming next to add the finishing touches, but just as Drew had Lewis locked in for the finish, out came Renfrew. Good timing big yin. I suppose it would be a bit more convenient for him if it was Lewis Girvan he was facing at the Square Go rather than Drew. Fuck, if Lewis wins it, maybe tonight would be the night for the cash in. Card subject tae change and all that. Drew encouraged Renfrew to get in the ring and end this now, but instead he turned round and found himself on the receiving end of a DDT from Girvan as he leaped off the ropes. Drew had to block his own finisher after that, as Lewis got mega cheeky and went for the Futureshock, but Girvan rebounded with a big punt to the dome for another 2 count. That was one of they moments where all yer logic and disbelief totally melts away for a split second, and for that second a venue full of people actually believed Lewis might do it. He was caught coming off the top rope, but turned it into the Guillotine and actually had Drew a wee bit jakey legged. Staggering about, asking folk for a tap of a fiver, but he broke out of the dizzy malaise with a beauty of a suplex, before planting Girvan with the Tombstone as a wee tip of the hat to the Champion he succeeded. As emphatic a tombstone as you’ll see and it WISNAE ENOUGH.
Lewis Girvan proved he had a set on him to even call Drew out, I’ll give him that, but the fact that he called him out and took the beating of a lifetime says it all about him. He is one for the future, and is just as talented as Kenny Williams, Joe Hendry or anyone else in a similar age category. As a wrestler alone he’s probably the best of the bunch, but this is what he needed to get to the next level. This was the missing link. A battle with a true titan. A man who’s paved the way for folk like Lewis with a dream, and the guts to try and turn it into a reality. Sure, Drew did hit the Futureshock and put Lewis Girvans challenge to bed, but this will not be his only challenge. This is the start of a new beginning for Lewis Girvan, and if you’re looking for someone young, hungry and talented that might be able to go 30 minutes with the Iron Man at the Square Go, maybe you just found yer man.
Drew had some kind words for Lewis afterwards, and he deserved every single one of them. He made this match what it was by building it up with his promo videos, and made people want to see it enough that it actually happened. This is his chance now. The natural feud for the Zero-G Belt is him and Kenny you’d imagine, and that shit will be fuckin fantastic. Drew wasn’t done chatting though, as he called Renfrew back out for another wee work. He encouraged Renfrew to cash in now. Why the fuck wouldn’t ye? You’ve got Drew in there hauf knackered after knocking fuck out of Lewis Girvan for a good 20 minutes. He even turned his back and allowed Renfrew to take a free shot, and that was enough to lure the vulture in, only for Drew to turn round and start wailing on him. Nae cash in yet though, just a wee stramash which Renfrew escaped from with is cranium in tact after sliding out of the Futureshock DDT attempt. Guns dont kill people, Futureshock DDTs do. Its best to avoid them when ye can, so credit to Renfrew for…eh….doing that.
Spacebaws is not developmental btw. Spacebaws isnae something you should skip. Cause if ye dae, ye might miss a wee slice of Drew, and the title match for the Square Go being built to perfection. Huge credit to Kenny Williams and Joe Hendry for having the match of the card, and one of the best matches of 2014, but a similar amount of credit has to go to Renfrew and Drew for elevating their opponents, whilst continuing to look strong going into the Square Go. A difficult balance and it was one they struck perfectly.
We had a wee party to round off the night, with the old band getting back together, popping some bubbly n that. It was all very jovial. Even Jinder Saqib and Toalswoggle made an appearence. Merry Christmas folks eh! Or I would be able to say that if this review didnae take about a year to write. Hope it was worth the wait, here’s a photo of Drewis and Lew having a wee giggle together.
Credit David J Wilson for the photo as per.