It’s here again, so let the rampant speculation as to who might win the fucking thing begin. A rumble comprising 30 human people is usually seen as a bit of a lottery, but even though I’m going to talk about a lot of potential winners here, there’s one very clear favourite in my eyes. A guy you’ll hear a bit about later. Until then we’ll talk about some other, less bear-like people who will probably give it a right good go themselves. Best of luck to them all. All 29 of you combined can’t match the immovable centre of gravity a certain big Irish guy possesses, but I think I’ve sooked up his erse enough for now. He’s also very agile. Ok, now I’m done.
1. Mark Coffey
He’s my favourite for the Joe Coffey iron man challenge, but that still doesn’t stop this being a possibility. In fact, sack this. I’ve decided to cheat…
1 (REMIX) – Polo Promotions
Is counting all 4 of them as a single entity perhaps bending the rules when it comes to list making? Of course it is. Do I gie a fuck? Or ever comply to any rules and regulations when it comes to writing? No. Of course no. Snapmare Necks was built off a foundation of rule breaking and snappy catchphrases, and thats why we are Polo Promotions biggest advocates on the internet. So if its THE REAAAAAL DEAL Mark Coffey, SCOTLANDS BEEEEEEEST WRESTLER Jackie Polo, Shagger Of The Century DCT, or a guy wae a whistle COOOOOACH TRIP. It might be Polo Promotions no matter what. Because team-work makes the dream work.
2. Joe Coffey
Well he entered as a favourite after an Iron Man match last year, so why not this year? He has a title shot in his back pocket, so what the fuck does he have to lose. Even running off fumes, some daftys can still be clotheslined over some ropes. Not a fuckin worry.
3. Mikey Whiplash
He who has won a Square Go. Knows how to eh…win another one. So aye. In fact, as much as Whiplash deserves individual praise, I’m gonnae cheat for this one as well. Hold on.
3. Anyone who has previously won a Square Go or high profile Battle Royal
Can we rule Renfrew out? How much of a Renfrew thing would it be to cash in, lose and just go “fuck it, I’m winning this yin anaw”. Red Lightning is getting all the column inches here anaw, but he is the king of sleekitness and could make it happen if he’s had his spinach after he beats Joe 18-0 in the Iron Man match, but aye. Whiplash. In that sort of shape, having already won the fucker before, and having a faint aura scary bastardness about him. Especially with the prospect of Tommy End and Dante uniting with him. In fact, ye know what. I’m gonnae cheat again. Hold on.
3. Anyone who has previously won the Square Go, and The Sumerian Death Squad + Whiplash
4. Noam Dar
Progress are running a show on the same day, and I’m quite lazy so I’ve not actually checked if he’s on that card. If he’s not, I’m making him my own personal second favourite to win this. Well obviously he’s my first favourite in life, but this here battle royal he’s picking up the silver strap…I mean…..medal? Aye. That. Purely because he’s wee, and this other guy’s heavy big, but in terms of making sense wrestling wise, Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar for the ICW Title on some card, somewhere is a thing that makes more sense than all the other things combined.
Have I included Grado for a reason to use that amazing photo of him and Hardcore Holly? Perhaps. Is that any business of yours? Aye. Of course it is. You are the audience and your opinion matters. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Will Grado win it? I seriously doubt it considering his hauners are few and far between (I’m about to cheat again here btw) I mean he has the Buckies and maybe Fito at a push, but pretty much everyone else would like to put him out, and also, so would the Buckies and Fito if the chance presented itself. Sometimes it disnae pay to be a celebrity Grado mate. Anyway, there’s also the added alement of BUCKIES VS SHA AND STONE, and that will be used as an excuse to cheat again…
5 REVISED – Grado and The Buckies vs Sha and Stone
If that becomes an all out war, everyone else might be a casualty of that. Does any of this patter actually matter when I’ve not spoke about my favourite yet? Probably. It’ll matter to someone anyway, but aye. Dont count big Sha or Stone out, because battering Grado seems to rev their engines, and a revved engine is the best kind of engine for winning Square Go’s. Know what else is good for it? Bucky.
6. Kid Fite
Fito has been cracking for around a year. I keep saying that, but it’s true. Watch his wrestling things and tell me otherwise. The difficult thing for Fito when it comes to winning something like this is that a pair of exposed baws might actually do him a lot of good. How keen are you to go near a guy with his baws out? Exactly. So whilst I understand why Fito wanted to move away from that side of his game, the fact of the matter is, a win’s a win. If you need to whap yer meaty clackers out and show them to a bunch of men in a ring with you, fuckin dae it.
7. Big Damo
And here we are. To my favourite. Would make more sense to list him last eh? None of this has made any sense anyway. It’s a top 8 and I’ve spoken about literally everyone with a chance apart fae maybe Divers. This is Big Damo’s to lose though. Simple as that, he’s the biggest, most imposing, most agile (for a bear), most angry, most hairy, most incredible, most experience in rolling beer barrels, most genetic likenesses to a wooly mammoth and last but not least, most likely to win the Square Go. I reckon it would make sense because he’s a believable winner/batterer in general, and he would be inclined to cash in the title shot in a straight up match because he’s not a shitebag, so it would stop the Square Go winner being a central storyline next year and leave it open to allsorts. As good as the Renfrew storyline has been, to keep it going for ages again would exhaust folk. So Damo is my personal favourite to win the fucker, and I was gonnae write that even before he pulled me up for not including him in the Joe Coffey article 😉
8. Kenny Williams
So why keep Kenny Williams to last? Because he’s the most electrying man in Glasgow based sports entertainment? Aye. Thats exactly it. No gonnae dae that whole question talking thing for ages again and lead ye on, he’s purely last because he’s exciting and I want the reading experience to end on a high. How did ye find it anyway? I think typo wise its no bad, so that’s always good. Kenny keeps defending that title and winning those defences, so its natural that he should be looking to follow in the imaginary footsteps of the man he recently retired who claimed he intended to “take home all the titles…the heavyweight and the zero-g….because we know expected Joe Hendry, but instead its yer pal Kenneeee” I mean why the fuck not? Shawn Michaels can win a Rumble, Kenny Williams can win the Square Go.
SUPER SHOCK SURPRISE WAN
Won The SWA Battlezone this year by making two Coffeys vanish. If that disnae make him a serious Square go contender, then I’m not the most entertaining Scottish wrestling blogger in the land. He might. But he probably wont.
To clarify, this blog is for entertainment purposes only. Any complaints regarding protocol can be referred to someone who gives a fuck. Enjoy the show everyone. It should be tremendous, and my body is ready. Is yours?