Aye. This is a review compiled entirely of ICW on demand content, cause I was so irreparably skint in February that I couldnae afford to get to Dundee and back. As sad as that fact is, its important to remember that much like this review…it disnae fuckin matter. This shit was 2 and a half months ago and any relevance it may or may not have had has been completely wiped out due to the amount of time that has elapsed. Kinda like yer auld swimming and fitba trophies from yer younger years. Their relevance and your physical capability to scale such heights has been wiped out and replaced by greeting weans, high cholesterol levels and probably a touch of erectile dysfunction, but thats fine. Its all sound, because a merry band of men still travelled away up tae Dundee and done the wrestling regardless, and here are some words about that very time.
Kenny Williams vs Noam Dar (ICW Zero-G Title Match)
Errs the thing about reviewing things that happened ages ago. Ye need tae sway from the usual because so much shit has happened since. I could review this match like it happened yesterday and then put “both Kenny Williams and Noam Dar have since perished due a roly poly competition at the top of a hill gone wrong” and naecunt would even be able to enjoy what they read cause they’re too busy thinking about Noam and Kenny being deid. Naecunt died, but the Zero-G landscape has changed considerably. In the sense that the belt has done some moving about, I don’t mean they changed it to the “Hunners of G” Title where it’s exclusively big fat guys that go for it. That would be mental. Noam and Kenny had a predictably lovely wee battle here. With all sorts of kicks, dropkicks, suicide dives and even forearm smashes to the jaw being exchanged. They had a wee tender moment where they both held each others leg and gently mouthed the lyrics to Endless Love at each other, before Noams attempt at the Khali Death Chop was ducked, and they exchanged knee and kicks, wae Kenny came rebounding off the ropes to send Noam 50 feet intae the air with a clothesline. Whilst floating amongst the stars, Noam said that he met Billy Gunn, who wis still floating about up there from selling a clothesline from hell back in 1999. They chatted about the good old days, when Vince used tae fill the Garden every Friday, and sellt a family of 4 ticket for £30 quid, right before Noam touched back down tae the home planet just in time to duck the Quiff Buster and lock in that kneebar. Getting out of the kneebar proved tae be neeee bawr for Kenny (cause the joke there is, it kinda sounds like knee….ach you’re a smart kid…you get it) and Noam decided to make like Christina Aguilera featuring Redman and get Dirrrrrrrrty. Slinging Kenny Williams boot in the direction of referee Tam Kearins’ baws and claiming it was a wee accident, before quite deliberately scudding Kennys baws, and taking a retaliatory baw scudding fae Kenny in return. The moral of the story there is, everyone gets sare baws.
Noams baws were getting burst more forcefully than anyone elses right enough, because bizzarrely this crowd didnae like him. A few of them kept calling him a wanker and there was even a smattering of a “set the jew on fire and feast on his charred remains” chant, probably bumped fae the out-takes of Borat, but Noam shouldnae have let it get in his heid. He needed to keep on struttin, but he buggered his whole stride up by stopping to give the main culprit the fingers and thats when he caught a Quiff Buster. The belt nazi says….NAE BELT FOR YOU (thats a Seinfeld reference, I realise that patter is quite dangerous right next tae “set the jew on fire” but I can assure ye, its aw jokes)
Kenny holds on to the gold. But for how long??? Tune in to future reviews to find out. Or alternatively just get ICW on demand and watch the shows.
Grado promo, 55 leathering
Grado comes oot lit that “Here Fito, how come you scudded me at the Square Go when we went that Butlins package holiday the gether in 2013. Is it cause I got ye Corona insteada Carlsberg when we went food shoppin? Its still fuckin beer int it. Get err it” And out came a subsection of “The 55” with ringleader Jamie Kennedy leading Kid Fite and Timm Wylie out to look mean. He screamed at Grado cause he gets paid more than anyone else and thats not fair. Here’s the thing Kennedy, Grado gets paid more because he’s got the biggest boaby. That’s just the way wrestling (and life) works. The frustration boiled over, and all of a sudden Grado had 55 guys on top of him, as Martin Kirby sneaked in for the ambush. The other 54 joind him, and they all happily knocked the shite outta Grado. Whilst Kennedy looked on smugly, chewing his a wee stick of Juicy Fruit or suhin. Got a sneaky suspicion that Kennedy disnae even have chewing gum in his mouth and he’s actually just been swirling about a giant grogger this whole time. The 55 have arrived.
Sammi Jayne vs Nikki Storm
Nikki Storm is stupidly good at this wrestling carry on. A ready-made star. If talent level was the only thing considered, she’d be touring the world kicking the shite outta folk, but unfortunately things like “height” and “not being Scottish so cunts can understand ye when ye speak” are also considered. Shame. She started off strong against Sammi, hitting her with a Death Valley Driver for a 2 count, before Sammi went on to show the semi conscious minority in the Dundee crowd that she can fair go a bit hersell. Dropkicks from all angles rounded off with a Missile Dropkick, before he hit the Slingshot Neckbreaker she uses as a finisher for a 2 count. Nikki Storm has taken many a dropkick in her time though. Kay Lee Ray has leathered her with so many, she’s built up an immunity. The Stormbreaker caught Sammi as she went for yon Slingshot Neckbreaker again, and The Stormbreaker was enough to give Nikki the win. About as much entertainment as ye can cram into 5 minutes without anyone exposing any body parts or swearing loudly in the middle of a Higher English class. Good gear.
Joe Hendry vs Mikey Whiplash
Joe Hendry started wrestling maybe 2 years ago now and he didn’t look daft in the early exchanges with Mikey Whiplash. Say what ye like about Joe, but yer man learns quick. I’ve seen guys with 5x the experience of Joe get in the ring with Mikey Whiplash and be made to look like dafties. Joe withstood all the wrist, ankle, waist and even chin locking action, before dont a wee forward roll and wagging the finger in Whippys face, whispering “Not today Michael” That wagging finger and whispering eye was enough to provoke an uppercut war, as they teed off on each other with big Europeans. An attempt at the Fallaway Slam from Joe was reversed intae a Dragon Sleeper, which Joe reversed into a big vertical suplex. Wrestling n that.
Worth noting that a “Whiplash is a tranny” chant started from the same area of the crowd that was calling Noam Dar a wanker, and it made me despair for whatever unfortunate section of the gene pool that they folk hailed from. DDT from Joe gave him a wee taste of the upper hand, before the palm licking shenanigans were brought to a premature end by a plethora of flying European Uppercuts from Whiplash. He then bolted to the back to get a screwdriver, which promoted a “what the fuckin hell is that” chant (eh….it’s a screwdriver m8) and It looked done and dusted. Joe was puffed oot and laid flat oot, but Whiplash discarded the weapon and then that eerie wee video played. Joe hit the Trip Around The Globe (aka The Dominator) for the win and Whiplash was once again left confused as to who was sending these messages.We could sit here and guess who it might be, but that might be considered futile considering that everycunt already knows, because in case you might have forgotten. This show was fuckin ages ago. Joe wins.
Polo Promotions vs The Bucky Boys (ICW Tag Title Match)
The new standard for tag team wrestling in ICW against the mainstays. The guys wae the belts and purple jaiskits against the guys who used to have the belts and red jaiskits. Jackie and Mark vs Davey and Stevie. Or “Polo Promotions defending their titles against the only other recognisable tag team still kicking aboot in ICW” if you want to be a wank about it. If yer telling the truth to yourself and those you hold dear, you’re telling them there was naechance of The Buckies taking the belts. Not because they aren’t capable or anything like that, but because it widnae make any fuckin sense. You also know they aren’t taking the belts cause this show was 2 and a half months ago and they still have the belts now, so aye……the match,
Mark Coffey loves a good forearm so he does. He has a lot of energy for forearms because him and Jackie waste NAE motion. See they wee soft tags they do? Thats to preserve energy so it is. Dont ask me how I know that. Just don’t mate. Classified information. Think about it though. Makes sense eh? Why leather yer partners hand everytime you make a tag? It expels much-needed energy AND gies them a sare wrist. Completely daft. Strategically unsound. After an early battering for Stevie, and a few scoop slams, Mark nailed Davey with about a million forearms. Davey hit back with a big shoulder powered lariat and jumped about 10 mile across the ring to absolutely thump Stevie’s hand for the tag. Stevie had an excellent wee flurry when he first got in. Some might even call this a hot tag of sorts, as he sent Coffey fleeing with an arm drag and leg lariat but yer man was still feeling the aftershock from that tag. Possible broken wrist sustained, and possible decapitation received when Mark nearly took his heid aff with a beauty of a clothesline. The Buckies looked like they might be about to take the tag titles back after they hit the 3D, but Mark broke up the pin with a deadlift back suplex for Davey, and the double team German Suplex was hit a matter of milliseconds later to help Polo Promotions retain. Then again, you already knew that, cause this show was ages ago.
Dickie Divers vs Tommy End
We’ll always have the memories eh. Dickie Divers coming out to the NAK music. Throwing up the N. A simpler time. A time where brotherhood still mattered. Sure, Renfrew did want to kill Divers here, but Divers didn’t know that yet. He was still in the gang and he had a wee briefcase to call his very own. Life was good. Even with Tommy End about to emerge to test his jaw strength with a variety of swift kicks to the dome, these where the glory days for Divers. Nothing gold can stay.
It started with kicks and all that. There would of course be plenty of kicks. Dickie Divers a PhD in kickin yer JaW, and Tommy End has an HNC in physiotherapy, and kicking folks cunts in. It was Divers who struck the first significant blow with a forearm smash to the heid which sent Tommy directly on to his arse. Sare. Tommy managed to make it back to his feet and used one of Divers greatest weapons to his advantage when he hit a running knee to Divers kindeys (I have no idea if he kneed anywhere near his kindeys right enough, just trying to add some colour to the piece awrite? gies a break) and Divers found himself folded in half. Presumed deid. Much like all godlike figures, Divers has a few spare lives to use before he actually dies. I think he gets 4 and a half. Half as much as a cat, twice as much as the average junkie. A sexy wee bulldog saw Divers gain the initiative. He locked in a wee modified figure four soon after and as strong style till he dies as Tommy End is, there’s nae doubt he was feelin it sare. Divers went looking for…I dunno, a wrestling move of some description, which Tommy End ducked to hit a standing double stomp. Dislodging over half of Divers ribs. Tommy pulled the burst ribs out one by one and used them to make a contemporary piece of art, spelling out the words “Oh my god, you kicked Divers, you bastard” with Divers own ribs, before going on to kick Divers repeatedly. Divers hit back with a kick of his own as this entertaining wee melee moseyed on to its conclusion. Tommy connected with another beauty of a knee, which sent the whole bottom row of Divers teeth flying up in the air, where Mikey Whiplash, who dwelled at ringside in Tommys corner, managed to catch them in his back pocket.
Whiplash could do fuck all about the conclusion to this one though, as Divers moved out the road of the top rope double stomp, to send Tommy towards the turnbuckle he had exposes earlier in the match with an Enziguri to the back of the skull. Enziguri combined with heid on steel = a deid Dutchman. Divers gets the three count to seal what had to be his biggest singles win to date.
A briefcase and win over the tattooed titan of temple tanning. No a bad nights work for Mr Divers. Here’s hoping no one tries to stab him in the near future or anything…
Disclaimer – In case I failed to mention it, this show was ages ago. Renfrew stabbed him the week after this. So I’m referring to that. Divers got stabbed tae fuck. Read all about it in the review of the Edinburgh show coming up in the next hour or three.
Saqib Ali gets smashed off Joe Coffey
If Joe Coffey is in yer building, and a wrestling ring is also in that building, have him do that wrestling thing please. Thats all we ask. Saqib Ali came out and got flung about relentlessly after shouting at the good people of Dundee in various languages. Joe had nae problem with him calling the population of Dundee “sheep riding reprobates” and “even more inbred than Aberdonians” but he DID have a problem with Saqib being in the ring, and offered him the chance to get the fuck out. He did not, and he was slain. Simple as that. Nae match and nae respect from Ali? For a split second Joe became George Foreman and fuckin grilled Saqib with the a lean slice of German Suplex. Or fuckin suhin, I dunno where I was going with that joke. Joe had similar gripes as I stated in the first sentence of this wee bit. He didnae have a match and he was RAGING about it so he flung Saqib Ali over his head to make himself feel better. Most folk just have a beer or a quick wank or something. Fair play to Joe for innovation in stress release. He also gave Drew a bit of snash for not being in the building when Joe was there despite not even having a match. I’m sure Drew was sittin gutted about no being in Dundee as he done a line a ket aff a strippers dids somewhere in Florida, but aye. Joe jumped in the crowd and done a merry wee dance, because he’s a mighty man of the people and he’s COMING FOR THAT BELT AT BARRAMANIA. WATCH YER BACK DREW
Disclaimer – Barramania was ages ago. Not as ages ago as this Dundee show, but still ages ago. Drew won. Sorry if thats a spoiler, but in my defence, if you didnt know that by now, yer erse shoulda phoned somedy.
Damo vs DCT
I don’t like the term “squash match” because I feel its dated and disrespectful to the person being “squashed” diminishing their role in making the squasher look strong, and pretty much disregarding all they’ve done past, present and future in this here wrestling business. Its wrong and I’m calling on the term to be OUTLAWED unless it’s referring to some kind competition where the winner is the person who drinks the most Robinsons diluting juice during a pre-determined time frame.
That being said…. Damo squashed DCT here. Ulster Plantation after about 2 minutes led to the 1,2,3. Night night. DCT did hit a wee DDT early on but that was about the extent of his contribution. Acht well. Cannae win them all eh.
Damo wasn’t finished yet right enough. Fishing a chair out from under the ring and using it as a maiming device. A few chair shots to DCT and Coach Trip followed by the MUHFUCKIN VAN-DAMO-NATOR and everyone was rendered completely and utterly deid. Main event time
Grado, Noam Dar and Wolfgang vs The 55 (Martin Kirby, Timm Wylie and Kid Fite)
Grado had two mystery partners for this one, and since Too Cool were in the country at the time, rumours were rampant that it might be them. Then we all remembered that Brian “Grandmaster Sexay” Christopher was actually eaten alive by a sunbed and Scott Too Hotty is a fireman noo, so instead we got Noam Dar and Wolfie. It took Wolfie a while to appear right enough. Probably in the locker room wrestling with his urges to become a big dirty heel. Would those urges get the better of him eventually? Only time will tell. And time did indeed tell, cause this show was fuckin AGEEEEEES ago and (spoiler alert, if you dont want to know the scores before Match Of The Day comes on, look away now, but I’m still gonnae read them out anyway) Wolfie is in the NAK now.
Worth noting that Noam Dar did change his pants after his first match, proving the hygiene is timeless, and having multiple pairs of wrestling pants is essential. Especially in a place like Dundee, where the chances of ye seeing something horrific and shiteing yersell increases tenfold. The only horrific sight him and Grado were treated to early on was an AMBUSH by Martin Kirby and Timm Wylie, with Kid Fite and James.R Kennedy stood at the entrance way eyeing each other up and looking right shifty. A double chokeslam took Martin Kirby out the game, but the attempt to do the same move on Timm Wylie was blocked by Timm Wylie being massive. That led Kid Fite to join the match, where it would be a 3 on 2 handicap match (until Wolfie arrives)
The 55 dominated early on, because there’s more of them and heel Kid Fite is a proper bad yin. Snarled at Grado hunners so he did. Very rude. Timm Wylie lifted Grado like a sack of tatties and scoop slammed him through the ring, and Kid Fite pulled him back outta hell tae lock in a vicious sleeper hold. Thats just a normal sleeper hold when applied by a vicious person btw. They continued to kick Grado in the ribs n that, while we cut to backstage montage of Wolfgang knocking juice bottles over, and throwing planks of wood at other planks of wood. The Wolf was HUNGRY, and Grado hitting the Wee Boot on Martin Kirby tipped the odds slightly in the favour of the team he was about to join. A rock bottom to Timm Wylie was enough for the Wolf to finally show himself. NOW WE GOT US A 6 MAN.
As the pish ran freely down James R.Kennedys leg, Wolfie dished out lariats to the whole team. All 55 of the cunts. Laid out. The wee rally was shortlived, despite a Roll and Slice being forcefed into Martin Kirbys gub as Kid Fite sent Wolfie baws first to the ropes when he scaled to top rope looking for the Swanton. They tied Wolfy to the ropes, and with Noam Dar oot the game it was down to Grado to batter 55 guys on his own. He had a right good go at it, maybe if it was an even 50 he would have faired better, but despite his best shake, rattle and rolling attempts he got scudded with a wee metal pipe and that was that. The 55 prevail, thanks to hunners of cheating.
Disclaimer – This show was fuckin ages ago, but for anyone who doesn’t get the name “The 55” it’s referring to the referendum. 55% being the amount of people in Scotland who voted “No”. In other words, we didnae get independence. Sorry to break it ye.
This show was awrite. It was also ages ago, so if you took the time to read this. Cheers. Also sorry for making ye read the words “this show was ages ago” so many times. I thought it would be funnier than it was tbh. They cannae all be winners.