It’s Monday. On Mondays we watch wrestling. Thats what we’ve always done. That’s what we always will do, until the concept of time and days becomes obsolete.
Here is a live review of RAW. Provided by our live typist. Words dictated by me. Big Marty. The guy in the magazine. Voted the most attractive Scottish Wrestling blogger of all time. A beast. Much like the guy who opened RAW…
Major pop for Brock, because he’s an amazing human. I like how his head is perfectly square and perfectly circular at the same time. Wee flashback to 3 months ago prompted by Heyman. Seth Rollins won a belt. Brock got really upset. Mind he F5’ed Michael Cole and Cole survived with his voice box unshattered? Fuckin tragic mate. According to Heyman, Brock has been ordered to apologise for battering Cole and that camera man, to secure his return. Instead he ate them both in one heroic gulp. End of segment.
I jest of course. He shook hands with JBL, then melted Cole like butter, patted him on the head and spread him on a breakfast roll. That’s whats known in the wrestling game as “gid scran” Apologies out the road, we get to classic Heyman promo’in. He used the term “beast for business” which counts against him slightly considering that it’s god awful patter. Slagging Seth Rollins a bit because he has a blonde streak in his hair and its not 2002. Brock looks ready to smash cunts. Overall I rate the opening segment a solid 7/10, because it did not involve Triple Hs beak.
Kane vs Dean Ambrose
Got us a little ol wrestling match here. I may or may not have missed the first couple of minutes of it because I needed a shite real bad. I will make up for what I’ve missed by reporting on the rest of it with more vigour than a right vigorous hing, sailing down excitable street. Aw wait. There’s a break. I’m away to eh….I’ll be back in 10.
Someone definitely won. Judging by the reaction on Twitter, it was probably Kane. I rate this match 9 out of 10 because I didnae see any of it
I’m told Kane won. That’s nice. Its nice for him, and its sometimes nice to give an old guy a wee treat.
Kane says no to Seth Rollins. He also said no to the provo. I really hope this is the last we see of Kane in this here wrestling show.
They’re showing clips of the Reigns vs Wyatt feud. This feud disnae work unless Wyatt wins it. And he won’t.
The Prime Time Playas vs The Ascension
I fuckin hate The Ascension. They crush my soul. Darren Young throws a nice clothesline on the daft lookin wee wan, and Titus O’Neil flung a cunt. I really hate Konnor, so it was nice to see him fall down. Darren Young won with the Gut Check. I’m glad they have the tag belts. Its nice. Like a nice slice of pie.
Sheamus vs Roman Reigns
A lot of macho posturing to kick off. Sheamus looking particularly white. They call him The Pale Skinned Punisher, in his hometown of Gingertown in Ireland. Roman Reigns is dominating here! Bloody hell. Roman takes a wee moment to jook his shoulders aboot. It was quite lovely. Then he delivers some punches in the corner. Bloody punches of all things! The wrestling is coming at us thick and fast here. Big knee to the dial from Sheamus, a move he’s dubbed “the big knee to the dial” Roman Reigns hits back with a big elbow. Right to the clavicle. Direct hit. Sheamus still has really ham fisted uppercuts. Looks like a butcher cutting steaks aff a coo. He went for THAT FUCKIN CHEST BEATING SPOT. I thought he’d stopped that, in the name ah fuck man. Reigns reversed it, but fuck sake. I hate Sheamus a lot, but this match is awrite.
Yer boy Reingsy throwin mad lariats son. In the corner too. Talkin bout. Pow. Lariato. Bray Wyatt is gonnae get involved. We aw ken it. Sheamus with a nice reversal on Reignsys wee dropkick on the apron spot. Keep yer heid in the game Roman son. We’ve got an angry Irishman on yer case! Jings. Sheambles tosses Reigns into the barrier, and ordered an iced frappucino, to accompany that hipster trying too hard beard. Irish Curse Backbreaker didn’t get the job done, because it never has and never will. Reigns blocked the Cloverleaf, by punching Sheamus right on his burny wee mohawk. Suffering third degree burns. Sheamus gets the cloverleaf in eventually, proudly flaunting his dangerous hair as he locks in the hold. Forearms to the back from Sheamus, Reigns fights back and hits a backdrop. All of the action is happening. Live and in colour. Another backdrop. Yer losing them here Roman pal. He wins them back with the apron dropkick spot and a big leaping clothesline on to the announce table. Magnificent. There’s Bray on the tele. Everyone shh.
Bray Wyatt is having a tea party and encourages Roman to come and find him. Roman immediately runs out of the ring and get counted out because he heavy loves tea parties. Sheamus wins.
Reigns finds the room Bray was in, but he has vacated.
Seth Rollins totally undoing the strong work he done when he told The Authority to fuck off, by crawling to them all like a snivelling wean. Not a fan. Here’s Neville though.
Neville vs Kofi Kingston
Everything is so purple. Kofi chucks a jumping axe handle off the second rope. Collision noted, and felt. Headscissors for yer coupon. Everyone gets thrown out of the match, its sheer chaos here. A one on one battle. Red arrow. Ballgame.
I fell asleep at this point, so the rest of this review will be pieced together by skimming through RAW on a video provided by the internet. Also called “an internet video”
King Barrett vs Zack Ryder
Nae disrespect to Zachary or that, but why the fuck did this happen? Barrett against an empty tube of Pringles would have more relevance. I’ll tell ye nae lies, I skipped to the end cause there was a trifle in my fridge due to be out of date in a week. Felt like a more pressing concern than this. Barrett won with a big sexy bullhammer to the jaw. Mind Zack Ryder won the US Title once because he had a lot of Twitter followers, before the decision makers realised he was actually quite pish? A simpler, stupider time.
Cena vs Owens promo off
Now that I’m writing this, I feel twinges of regret at stopping doing the WWE reviews, because it becomes an unused tool. A underutilized method of doing one of my favourite things in the history of things being done. That thing is talking up John Cena. John Cena is the only person in WWE who makes you watch its weekly television shows. You could argue Owens is in the same boat, but without such a high profile figure allowing him to chuck him about, Owens being on RAW would mean little. Cena has taken an irrelevant title, and made it the hottest belt in the company. Cena has used that title to continually give excellent matches to talented people who all benefited a lot more than Cena did from the matches. Cena is the guy. Owens is the Canadian guy. When Owens emerged to address Cena calling him names and referring to how Canadian is, he calmly and elegantly told him “I don’t give a flying fuck about what a person who’s had the same haircut since 1999 says about me” Going on to explain that he’s only been sporting his own 2 dollar haircut since 2001. He cut a promo in French tae, which was mad sexy, before Cena cut one in French, Chinese, German, Cantonese, Swahili and English. Causing everyone within a 10,000 mile radius to ejaculate. The point in the whole segment is that Cena and Owens will go again at Battleground. With the US Title on the line. Very sexy. It promises to be much great wrestling.
Seth Rollins is now crawling to Trips and Steph to get Kane and J n J security back on side. Because two low card tiny dudes who are now required, and a 65 year old Kane is helping ye overcome Brock fuckin Lesnar. Nae bother mate. Yer needin tae ask them for a fuckin tank.
The Bellas w/Alicia Foxxx vs Naomi and Tamina
Aren’t The Bellas a bit heel now? Like….whit the fuck. These things aren’t interchangeable. They cannae be pricks one week, then against a heel tag team the next. It fucks it. Alicia Foxx is with them now too, because…..don’t question it. Just because.
The Bellas won. Because Naomi bumped Tamina with her arse by mistake.
Ryback vs Mark Henry (Not for the Intercontinental Championship)
Remember Henry beat him at Wrestlemania? That happened. It was almost like a nod of respect to the Worlds Strongest Man. Giving him a Mania win over an up and comer. Giving him a wee sniff at the WWE Title after he turned heel so beautifully. So tell me, how are we two years removed from that good shit, and all Henry has done since is various pointless things wae The Big Show. How is that using that marvellously talented human to the best of his abilities? Don’t bother answering that. Because this isnae a Q n A. Its you reading something and not being all that sure why you’re reading it. With that being said. The Big Show was at ringside. Dressed like the worlds largest caddy. Giving Mark Henry advice, and it led to Ryback beating him with a big splash. Big guys need big belts. We’ve established this. When the big guys get the big belts, they need to feud with relevant people. Sort it out. Naecunt cares about a three way feud involving The Miz and The Big Show. The third guy could be 2 Pac brought back fae the dead (or the ranch he secretly lives on, depending on who you believe) and folk would still go “I preferred him as a hologram, he isnt even properly trained, this is sloppy”
Know what wasn’t sloppy? the lovely wee promo Ryback cut backstage about him winning the belt bringing his parents together for the first time in 15 years. His mic work has got so much better, and so has his battering The Big Show work, as Big Show interrupted his promo and got the doing he deserved for it. After 70 years in the wrestling business, you’d think Big Show would have learned by now that there’s more to being a bad guy than pulling a face like yer choking for a shite.
Dolph Ziggler vs Adam Rose
The show ended with a talking segment, so this shit was the main event. Legit. Adam Rose turned heel and became Fandango, and Fandango vanished. Fandango is the same guy they got Jericho to lose clean to a couple of years back at fuckin Wrestlemania and now he’s nowhere. Or maybe he’s injured, who the fuck cares. Pains me to say it, but Ziggler + Lana = zzzzzzzz. It takes a lot to put Dolph Ziggler in a situation I don’t care about, but this is one of those situations. Unless Rusev gets fit and gets to having brilliant matches with him, none of it makes sense. Lana is fuck all but a tidy wee burd for him to winch after his matches. Rusev’s injury was shite timing, but it still leaves Ziggler and Lana in this weird, pointless limbo. They should have Dolph turn heel by having him shite in her handbag.
Rollins, Brock, other folk. Last segment.
Ach this was ok. Anything with Brock involved tends to at least matter a fuck, but Seth continues to look like a whinging wee fanny. Apologising to Kane for calling him a dinosaur and saying he looks up to his two security guards who he is at least a foot and a half taller than. Obviously Brock got the better of the whole situation early on, but Kane got involved. Jamie Noble got his ribs burst in the process of being flung about like wet washin, and Brock ended up eating a pedigree. If the Pedigree is becoming Seth’s main finisher, its surely leading to a feud with him and Trips. Hopefully not for the belt, because the beak should never get a sniff of it again. Its not your record to break anymore pal. Its John Cena’s. Don’t mess.
Overall RAW happened. I enjoyed reviewing it live, then filling in the blanks later. It was fun. Might do it every week. Might no. Who cares really. Point is, Jamie Noble is injured and that’s sad.