One thing I forgot about when I stopped doing so many reviews is a fairly vital aspect of this whole thing for me. I forgot the fact that’s it’s a right gid fuckin buzz.
With that being said, here’s a review of this weeks NXT.
The show started with Triple H and the NXT roster gathered on the stage to pay tribute to Dusty Rhodes. Genuine tears were shed because Dusty Rhodes was a great man. The best. The grandaddy of each and every person who stood on that stage. Even the ones who were never touched by his greatness, because without him, the wrestling business as they currently know it would not exist.
Hideo Itami Speaks
Utterly raging so he is. He caught a doing in a car park not so long ago, and Kevin Owens seemed to find it funny. Hideo is back and unhappy with Mr Owens, as he believed he was responsible for the doing he suffered. Owens emerges to tell Hideo that it actually wasn’t him, and he should shut his stupit gub. He then struggled with the word “delusional” before somehow turning it into a burn on Hideo. Its clear during this promo that Kevin Owens is extremely good on the mic, whereas Hideo suffers due to his inability to enunciate properly in the English language. This segment got good when Hideo called Owens a “two bob shitehawk” and Owens responded by saying “I’m gonnae snap yer good airm aff n shove it up yer Da’s dick” before Finn Balor jumped out to make the save. Then it got shite when Rhyno kicked Finn Balor and he fell off the bloody stage. Probably bruising a knee in the process. How fuckin DARE you. Ya big mishapen t-rex looking tramp ye. Kiss his wee sare knee better right now.
ENZO AND CASS vs A Cuttla Jobbers
I’d say the only remedy for seeing the most important person in the world to you being hurt by a Rhyno, is seeing Enzo and Cass. I think we can all agree that Finn Balor is the most important person in the world, so lucky for us…ENZO AND BIG CASS (w/CARMELLA) were out next. Hitting us with the high grade patter we’ve become accustomed to. Being 7 feet tall is not a teachable skill. Neither’s being a certified G, although you do need to fully prove your G credentials before gaining certification. The jobbers in question are Sylvester LeFort and Jason Jordan. A pair of guys who have been given opportunities in many capacities since coming in to NXT, and they’ve done so well with them, that they’ve been pulled together to create some sort of megateam. Or maybe they just got stuck together cause no one gives a flying fuck what happens to them eh. In any case, the match happened.
Enzo kicked us off with a sexy wee crossbody, before getting Cass in for a scoop slam. It was all going the way its supposed to, until Jason Jordan got tagged in and made the whole thing super boring for a while. Its easy to see why its not clicked for him yet, because he’s pure boring. Lefort done a wee chickenwing thing, whilst Jordan read John Grisham novels to insomniacs on the apron, and sent them all to sleep. Many of them for the first time in years. Then Enzo Amore rolled him up for the win. THE REALEST WIN ON THE SHOW.
Jason Jordan continues to be available for booking on the independent snoring scene. if you’re a professional snorer, and need something patently boring as fuck to send you in to a deeper level of sleep. This is the very guy.
Dana Brooke vs An unnamed lassie in a dress
Nae name provided before the match, but according to the commentators her name is Cassie. The more I watched the more I thought Cassie was the better wrestler of the two, and even fancied a wee shock win. A wee fairytale story, that could be passed down from father to son. Son to cousin. Cousin to younger cousins. Younger cousin to younger cousins pal. Younger cousins pal tweets it to The Pope. And all of a sudden we have religious warfare on our hands. Naecunt wants any of that unpleasantness, so its probably for the best that this wee round of Chinese whispers never got off the ground, as Dana recovered from a flurry of lariats from Cassie to seal the win with the Firemans Carry Slam. Good on her eh.
Charlotte chats backstage about battering Dana. She says “I’m gonnae stick ma size 9’s so far up her arse, she’ll be able tae tell ye exactly whit Puma Kings taste like” So Charlotte wear Pumas in the ring. Learn suhin new every day eh.
Finn Balor is just wonderful. Here’s a wee video package showing us just how wonderful he is. The cunt builds lego in his spare time ffs. How pimp is that. Most famous guys are out posturing in their spare time. Stealing burds from civilians in nightclubs, and leaving nothing but a trail of 5p pieces and ego behind. Not Finn. He made his way in wrestling by working hard, learning from the best in Japan, and being pals with Prince Albert. We also got a wee glimpse of his final appearance in ICW, which was a cool thing to see on WWE TV. Know what else is a cool thing to see on WWE TV? Finn Balor going over to Japan and snatching that NXT Title aff Mr Owens. As much as I love big Kev, this is not a fight you can win good sir. Finn has a nation behind him. And he also has a lot of Irish people who think he’s sound anaw. Speak all the French ye want pal, but there’s nae French translation for “please don’t double stomp my spleen out” so yer fucked mate.
Mojo and Zack….I cant
I’m not watching this troops. Sorry to the two guys in singlets they were due to face. I’m sure they’re both competent. It’s not your fault that WWE decided to reach into the deepest darkest bits of our collective nightmares and come up wae ZACK RYDER AND MOJO RAWLEY. IN A FUCKIN TAG TEAM. TOGETHER. Get it tae fuck. Drive it tae within a mile of fuck, then let it out the car, and kick it all the way down that final mile till you’ve reached fuck. Then when you get there, build a wall and repeatedly ram its heid into that wall until the one brain cell they have between them gives up and renders them a pair of useless piles of fleshy enthusiasm.
Finn Balor vs Rhyno
I won’t lie, this show has been a major fuckin letdown to this point. I’m sitting here wondering if TNA might have been a better option, and they just killed Mickie James. We need this to be decent to save the show, and Kevin Owens on commentary seems to be out there to make sure that it’s decent. Immediately enquiring as to why the commentary team didn’t rise and salute their champion. He then goes on about loving Rhynos, before urging the commentators to actually call the match. Yer good Kevin. Real good. One of the best, but no one on gods green earth has the ability to get WWE commentators actually talking about the match going on in the ring. Naecunt has that power. Not even Vince McMahon. The monster he created can no longer be contained by even him. Owens keeps on trying to get them to call the match, even in the face of some wild accusations about his supposed involvement in Hideo Itami’s injury (wisnae him right? he didnae dae it, back aff) but he’s unimpressed with the commentators reaction to Finn hitting Rhyno with a big flip over the top rope to the outside.
Nae offence to Finn and Rhyno, but Owens chastising everyone on commentary was the most entertaining thing about this so far. A handy big spinebuster from Rhyno was nice, but not half as nice as Owens telling the wee commentator in the middle that he should “tell everyone how you were talking to one of the competitors backstage earlier…go on…you always say that” He fuckin does. And its fuckin annoying. If you want to breed another Michael Cole, put a baby in his belly like a nobleman. Don’t try n groom this cunt on NXT to be the next Cole. Beautiful dropkick from Balor followed by some sare chops. Rhyno flipped the script by driving his massive shoulders in the direction of Finn’s bellybutton whilst he dwelled in the corner. Balor slipped the script back in his favour, and was going all out for the double stomp, but yer man Owens rose from commentary desk to derail Finn’s quest for victory. Finn dropkicked him tae buggery, and took the win with the Slingblade followed by the Double Stomp off the top rope.
Owens and Rhyno combined to mount a fairly shite attack, before Joey Samoey fought the bad guys off. Overall, a fairly shite episode of NXT. I don’t get why it was so shite. There are hunners of good wrestlers kicking about. Use them for the wrestling.