We’re all quite excited for Battleground eh? Cause Lesnar. That’s what he does. That’s the gravitas he adds to any show he’s on. That’s why Beast In The East was must watch (although a certain Irishman winning a certain shiny belt didn’t hurt) That’s why anyone likes UFC now (not strictly true, work with me here) and that’s why anyone’s ever taken notice of a certain burd named “Sable”. Because BARAWCKKKKKKK LEZZZZNURRR made it so.
Brock Leznur mate. All day.
There are also other matches….
King Barrett vs R-Truth (Winner becomes King Of The Ring)
No one cares. At all. Such a desperate, pointless feud. R-Truth’s a funny guy and has uses, but the last time I seen him have a wrestling match I cared about was never. It’s never happened. There’s only so many spinny leg lariats I can watch a man throw before I go “mate….that’s far too many spinny leg lariats”
Is a leg lariat even a thing? I heard a commentator say it once and was like “that sounds dead professional, I’m stealing that” but I’ve never heard it since. Either way, Barrett better Bullhaymurr his heid aff and swiftly move on from this shanner of a feud.
Randy Orton vs Sheamus
Maybe it’s because I’ve fell asleep through the past few RAWs and only watch the Cena/Owens and Lesnar/Rollins segments when I watch it back, but has this has any build up? Has everyone realised how much of a mistake it was to give Sheamus the briefcase yet? Naw? I’m sure this will be ok, but at the same time, they could have Mick Foley refereeing it in a full Celtic strip, with “I love Snapmare Necks and want to do an interview with them” on the back, and I wouldn’t give anything resembling a fuck. I hope Orton wins, because he’s Sheamus’ opponent, and unless the day comes that Sheamus fights everyone who ever wronged me in Primary and High School, I will forever root for his opponent.
The Prime Time Players vs The New Day (Tag Team Title Match)
I did quite like the PTP getting the belts, and I’m not even sure why. The New Day had momentum as champs and were fast becoming one of the most entertaining teams of recent times, so naturally a pin was stuck in all their momentum and their shiny belts were given to a team who WWE disbanded then put back together cause they couldn’t come up with any ideas of either of them as singles (mind Titus was in a tag team with Heath Slater for a bit? Slater and Gator? Actually that was kinda genius, I’ll no hear a bad word said about them, legends mate. True definition of legends) but for some reason, despite Titus being annoyingly sloppy in the ring, I like them having the belts. I would also like it if The New Day took the belts off them, and Xavier Woods cuts a promo about how excited everyone is about it entirely in Jack Blacks voice. He has the range. He can pull it off.
Bray Wyatt vs Roman Reigns
I like this. I like it because Bray Wyatt seems frightening again and for the last few feuds he’s had, he just hasn’t. The Ryback thing served nae purpose and he’s pretty much been plodding since Taker beat him. The only slightly depressing thing about this, is that there’s no scenario where you can see Wyatt coming out of this feud on top. Even if they keep delaying it, everyone knows Reigns will get his run with the big belt, and there seems to be a reluctance to give Wyatt that proper shove into the upper echelons, which is saddening. Splitting up The Wyatts was another one of those things that seemed to be done for the fuck of it. Erick Rowan was a face who tagged with Ryback, and Luke Harper was a heel partially affiliated to The Authority. I’m sure Bray was happy to see his flock go out on their own, to become dirty stinkin selloot bastards eh. Harper and Rowan are back together but Bray still walks this earth alone, and that’s just no right. He does look like a serial killer in the red trousers right enough. Roman Reigns will win by doing a move that involves a lot of forward motion. Or maybe a really sare armbar.
John Cena vs Kevin Owens (US Title Match)
Guys. Remember I told yees eh. Remember. A year-year and a half ago, when half the world still hated Cena for “holding everyone else down, and burying everyone, he’s such a buryer!” I told ye Cena was sound. The type of guy to throw a fiver towards your KFC if he sees you raking your pockets at the till and coming up with nothing but bellyfluff. The kind of guy to take your granny to the post office and even wait in the queue for her, while she waits outside and talks to Agnes fae the bakers next door. The type of guy to give you his wife, just because you look sad about not having a wife. The best human being in the world. But naaaaaaw. Everyone loves to insist that John Cena’s a dick don’t they. 5 moves of doom. Too many title reigns. Same haircut since 1997. Blah blah blah. Leave your hateration at the door, and trade it in for a lifetime membership to the CENATION son.
2015 has perhaps been the best year of Cena’s career to date, because he’s having the best matches of his career on a regular basis, and has taken a meaningless title and not only elevated it, but he’s elevated every single wrestler he’s worked with in the process. Anyone who cites Rusev as an example of that not being true has to realise that John Cena did not make the decision to split him and Lana up, before finding the man she has the least chemistry with in the world and making them team up instead. All he done was have really good wrestling matches with the greetin big lump. And he will have another really good wrestling match this Sunday with Kevin Owens. A man who demands your interest. A man so much smarter and more talented than so many people who look the part more than he does. How much do you think it annoys people who have been groomed for success for years, and they watch a guy shoot right past them, who’s just so much better than them whilst looking like a trucker. Must break their wee steroid fuelled hearts eh. I hope their hearts break even more when they see that man go up against the man to beat, and they put on what might be the match of the year. Owens to win. They’re going with Owens so nothing else makes sense. No one else can take that belt from Cena and have it mean something. Unless that man is Swiss and best pals with a Canadian called Kidd.
Seth Rollins vs Brock Lesnar (WWE World Heavyweight Title Match)
Brock Lesnar makes it matter. Rollins has done a great job as champ, but the feuds have felt a bit meaningless. Kane and him having beef only for it all to be forgotten because Seth started sooking up his arse (he’s a demon remember… demons generally dont respond to having their erses sooked unless its something they enjoy sexually) and the Ambrose feud has led to Ambrose not being on PPVs and wrestling Bo Dallas on Smackdown, so aye. Brock Lesnar gives him legitimacy. Brock Lesnar being on RAW 3 weeks in a row gives the whole show legitimacy. Everything is too legit to quit. Rollins has even been given a bit of scope to be a total wide-o to Brock, and call him out. Brock then proceeded to batter Seths minature mentors before crushing the very expensive car he got them, and sliding it between two monster trucks he crushed earlier that day to make a big triumphant metal sandwich. Scranning it feverishly and blawing hubcaps out his nose.
They’ve built Brock up so much that there seems like no scenario where he loses to a high-pitched, greetin faced, blonde streaked wee fanny clean, but that wee fanny also happens to be one of the most talented humans currently calling themselves a “wrestler” on this fine planet we call earth. So wouldn’t it be nice to see him actually pin Brock, with the triumphant return of the Kerb Stomp getting the job done? Of course it would be equally nice to see Brock literally tear the wee cunt in two, and floss his teeth with Seths small intestine, so that leaves this match so open to possibilities eh. I reckon they might want to sell Summerslam with Brock as champ right enough, so I fancy him to take the belt and Seth to be reduced to another one of those under-appreciated champions who spends the next 20 years moaning about how under-appreciated they were.
The wrestling is on this Sunday. Live on tv and laptop. 1am in the morning. Buy it