Good morrow, and welcome to The Snapmare Necks Year End Awards Of 2015 In Wrestling And Beyond. The ONLY year end awards out there with no manipulatable vote. Our panel is comprised of wrestling experts from across the globe, who cast their votes at secure locations around a separate globe in a separate reality, and then they play a game of fives WITH a globe and the first one to kick Syria really hard gets a medal of honour and a private sit down luncheon with The Queen herself. The point of this whole thing is, wrestling has had a slammin year. There are awards that need given out. The people need to know who their favourite WrestleDudes and WrestleDames are, but are other year end awards reliable when there’s folk out there drumming up interest for someone they have a personal, mutual masturbatory (extremely shocked I didnae get a red line under that, masturbatory is a real word? niiiiiice) relationship with, so that’s why we made our system fullproof. We made our categories more bitchin. We own the night. We are the stars. THE SUPERSTARS. Be a star. Don’t be a bully. Don’t let your behaviour get unruly. Come along with me. Sit down on a seat. Because these awards are…eh. Really neat?
Wrestler Who Had Himself A Better Year Than Most Other Wrestlers Award Is Awarded To………
He’s Irish so its extremely important that this bit is in green to indicate that. No seriously though, as much as this whole thing will be a giggle and a laugh, Big Damo’s had a sensational year. Had the pleasure of watching him wrestle both Nakamura and Tanahashi in person and let me tell you, he flung them aboot. The Nakamura match was undoubtedly my favourite “Ireland vs Japan” event of the year, remarkable considering how deep their rivalry runs throughout the sporting world. Tell ye a match you should watch btw. Damo vs Joe Coffey from Fear and Lothian this year. A quiet candidate for MOTY so it is. Outstanding work from two of the best in Europe. Damo mainly wins this award because he heard there was a shortlist of 4 wrestlers up for it, and he immediately slaughtered every other wrestler in the world to ensure the award would be his. Wrestling is over. All your friends are dead, and Damo is the one true champion.
The Dandy Debonair Darling Of The Wrestling Universe Award Of 2015 Goes To…..
The competition came thick and fast for this newly created award. This was the only category where we actually had write in votes from performers themselves for the coveted award. So coveted that each and every nominee already has a new shelf built in their trophy room just in case they do walk away with the accolade. This award is referred to “the knicker dropper” due to the constant sexual arousal it invokes from anyone who comes within 1000 feet of it so its only right that THEEEEE INTERNATIONAL SEX HERO …DEE CEE TEE is your rightful winner. If there’s ever been anyone more Triple D on this planet, I defy you to show this person to me. Complete with a blood sample to prove that their blood is at least 60% spunk. Congratulations DCT. And keep on being a beautiful moustachioed bastard.
The Tag Team Award For The Finest Cohesive Unit In Wrestling Today An Award Eligible For Joint Winners In The Event That Two Tag Teams Are Deemed Worthy Of The Spot Award is awarded to…….
New Day AND Polo Promotions
Tag wrestling was a forgotten art. Until 2015 is was the malnourished child of the wrestling world. Sucking on a dry teet. These teams re-invented the game over the course of this year. In the case of yer Polo’s it was re-invented with the colour purple and tags which expend little or no energy. Holding the ICW Tag Team Titles for almost all of the year and defending successfully against the likes of The Legion Of Doom and The Rodgers Brothers. New Day deserve 50% of this award also because they were a reason people actually watch RAW, remarkable feat in itself considering the fact that its been a sizeable pile of baws for most of the year. If they were to have a match to decide the rightful winner of this award, you know who the real winners would be? The fans. Thats who. Me and you. And him over there. And her with briefcase fulla tennis rackets. All of us. So lets all have (wait for it, joke incoming…) a few SCOOPS to celebrate the dawn of A NEW DAY, and DONT YOU DARE…..BE SOUR. CAHLAAAAAAAAP FOR THE BADDEST TEAMS IN THE UNIVERSE TODAY…AND FEEL…..THE POWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
The Award For Greatest Promotional Promoter In The UK Territory Of The United Kingdom Who Is Also Good At Pointing is won by…..
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH AHM PULLIN YER PISSER PAL…ITS NO BRUCE HART’S FINEST PROTEGE ITS ACTUALLY….
Because he runs a company that sold out the secc and in the photo above, he’s pointing like fuck at some poor unsuspecting wrestling person. I believe the promo he actually cut was along the lines of “See you, yer a fuckin part time wrestling, part time dickwasher, and I’m fuckin sick ae yer noise, noo beat it before I beat you” but I’m no good at quoting people man. I don’t do interviews or that. Point is, Dallas has had a good year. Goodyear is also a make of tyre, and this bandwagon not only has four functional tyres on the vehicle, but there’s two spares in the back anaw. Basically what I’m trying to say is, this has been a sponsored advertisement by Goodyear, and ICW are selling oot the fuckin Hydro next year. Don’t believe me? Just watch.
The Lou King Sharp Award For Services To Lou King Sharp goes to……
STEVIE BOY XAVIER
Listen. All due respect to the Sharp one, but if its an award for lookin sharp, Stevie Boy’s yer fuckin winner. Nae luck LKS mate. Chino’s are oot, joggies are in. Short hair’s oot, long hair’s in. Being the holder of one shiny belt is humble. Having two? One guy being tag champs of a company? Its braggy mate. It says “I’m better than two guys” and I can tell you from experience that one guy is never better than two guys. Two guys is what you really need to be satisfied and smiling. Stevie Boy’s had a cracking year, and deserves some sort of award so I’m very glad the expert panel has deemed him worthy of this one. The expert panel that totally isn’t me sitting here making this up as I go along. Not at all. How dare you.
The Seth Rollins Award For Best WrestleMania MITB Cash-In Where Roman Reigns Was Pinned Instead Of The Champion Brock Lesnar goes to……..
He shattered my heart when he dissolved The Shield. Pouring sulphuric acid over his former friends heads and melting them down to make a new belt buckle out of their faces. Before he went down injured he made the show what it was. Even if WWE was pure and utter shite, he was at the forefront at least making it watchable that makes him the true definition of a superstar mate, and ye know whit? Everycunt who said anything about him having a wee boaby is at it. I’m packin all sorts of heat and his boaby looked like an avaerage sized boaby to me. I’m willing to bet not very many of the folk saying he had a wee yin are packing anything more impressive, and I doubt any of them got to stick theirs in and around some of the fine pieces of nazi ass Rollins did, so fuckin shut it and BOW DOWN TO THE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP.
The Managerial Award For Best Manager In A Wrestling Context Only (Thus Not Extending To Other Sports, Like Field Hockey And Darts) Of The Year 2015 Goes To……
Sir Alex Ferguson
Totally didn’t have another winner for this award lined up only for Sir Alex to show up at my door, in the exact stance displayed in the above photo, asking me “what the fuck ye playin at eh?” How dare there be an award for managers and Sir Al isnae winning it. Well big man, I feel free to say this now I’ve hired a bodyguard and you’ve finally left my house after spending 4 days sitting in my recliner throwing the lids aff a hunner tins of tuna at me, and the simple reason that you AREN’T winning this award is the fact that you’re not involved in professional wrestling mate. Yer no even a fitba manager anymore, and I fully resent the fact that you…..haud on a minute, there’s the phone ringing….
“Wight you, its Sir Awex, I can hear aw that tippy tappin typin yer daein, d’ye no hink I know when some dick’s typin aggro at me? How d’ye hink i fun they wee dicks fae ManUnitedForum.com who were aw sayin ma hair wis drew oan wae a grey permy eh? I see all. I know all. Wrap it in ya wee prick, or yer dugs get it….”
“Sorry Sir A…..”
*line goes dead*
*the faint sound of two gunshots is heard in the distance, followed by the pained screams of Fido And Liam Dugson, my imaginary pet pitbulls*
Eh……………….aye. Sir Alex can keep his award. Was gonnae say despite his threats I’m still gonnae give this award to Xavier Woods, but eh. He just murdered two of my dugs and I’d like Sha “The East End Barker” Samuels to come home, so you fuckin win mate. Know who disnae win though? Man United. Ever.
The Award For Creating The Most Inhospitable Work Environment For Non Wrestling Employees goes to….
You’d think this category only had one proper nominee but there was actually two. The NAK hitting Killer Boots on Jennifer Louise and Simon Cassidy within 2 weeks of each other was certainly galling, and I imagine they’ll both find Christmas Dinner difficult without being able to use their jaw (due it it no longer being attached to them) but Drew Galloway must have dropkicked referee Thomas Kearins about 50 fuckin times. Cunt should get a restraining order took out that forbids Drew from coming within 3 feet of him. Makes reffing his matches possible if a bit awkward but if a dropkick comes within spunking distance of him, Drew gets the jail. NAK definitely win this award though. Cause they smashed a backstage interviewer and a ring announcer mate. See how that ring announcer who became synonymous with the “One Fall!” sensation that’s sweeping the nation? Remember him? He’s dead now. The NAK killed him. Feel old yet?
The Award For Match of The Year Which Was Better Than Other Matches Which Also Happened This Year goes to….
Chris Renfrew vs Drew Galloway – ICW Square Go 2015
Because for a while it was everything. It was the match that made Renfrew who he is today. I’m writing this for a laugh because I find year end awards a wee bit mind numbing, but this is real. There have been better wrestling matches in the world this year. Probably a lot of them, but few had the fan investment this had. For a while the majority of the crowd feverishly wanted Renfrew to cash in and take the belt and when he didn’t get the job done it was a moment that became something for him to call upon. When a job needs done in a more sinister fashion, call upon that pain. The pain of trudging down the ramp and looking back to see Drew holding that belt above his head. The pain of Divers winning the Square Go and his second chance being extinguished, but then Divers was slain, the briefcase reclaimed and the shot at redemption stands before him. Chris Renfrew vs Grado. Evil vs Good. It’s got a job on to top the story told last year, but the quality of it will more be a reflection on how strong a champ oor Grado is. Drew set the highest of bars and this is nae token defence. This isnae Lionheart in Edinburgh where we all know deep down the belt’s gaun naewhere. This is a real threat.
That was all a bit too super serious eh? Back to the scheduled programming it is…….
The Mikey Whiplash And BT Gunn Award For The Best Feud Between Mikey Whiplash and BT Gunn goes to…..
Mikey Whiplash and BT Gunn
I’ve reviewed a lot less shows this year than I’d have liked so this feud deserves some words. They fucking killed each other for your enjoyment. If you gave a non wrestling person a bit of paper and pen and told that person to write down the top 10 most horrendous acts you could imagine a human inflicting upon another human, and that person will write down all the shit these two have done to each other in 2o15. Probably with “shittin through a straw attached directly to someones retina” as the only thing on the list they actually didn’t do to each other, although I widnae be surprised if that was a real idea that Dallas has to go “naw lads, thats too far, cannae huv people shittin through straws, even if it goes on last, I’m still the cunt cleaning up yer shite” How did this become hunners of chat about shite? Fuck only knows pal. This feud was really good, and that rhymes so on to the next award eh.
The Underrated Award For Underrated Wrestling People Who Spent 2015 Being Very Underrated Goes To…
Liam “Degree” Thomson
Because he handles business in a very business-y fashion. This is not an award celebrating wuman beating at all, its an award for a man who deserves an award cause he’s a cog in the machine that’s essential for the machine, or the machine’s fucked. Its duff. Plus he wrestles his actual real life fiancée at the Square Go and it’ll be the best match between folk that are engaged in the history of engagements. I’m willin to bet his boaby is at least average sized tae. FT the haters m8. If they keep that patter up, just whip it oot n show them whit yer workin wae.
The Danny Hope Award For Shortest Title Reign Of The Year Of 2015 Goes To…..
ROMAN REIGNS, CAUSE AM I FUCK GIEN DANNY HOPE AN AWARD LOLOLOLOLO
Only joking Danny mate. I totally get the tassles thing and why folk love it. Its like Macho Man eh? Its a Macho Man thing right? Or like….is it The Rockers? Are we being The Rockers. Well if that’s the case, you can….Janette(y) yersell tae fuck cause Roman Reigns had the WWE Title for 5 minutes 15 seconds and that’s actually much shorter than the week you had the ICW Zero-G Belt so that’s just how it is pal. Not only did he bump big Sheamus’ title aff him, he’s only went and bumped Danny Hope’s award anaw. Nae luck kid.
The Noam Dar Award For Finest Victory In A Match Where Noam Dar’s ICW Career Is On The Line Goes To…..
Because each and every human body in that Garage wanted Noam to overcome. Even cunts who vehemently hate each other to the point where they aim hurtful memes at their enemies were united. Noam Dar’s an easy cunt to get behind cause he ticks all the boxes. Sound? Aye. Wrestles well? Yes. Does good tricks on a BMX? Of Course. Is able to fit in a drawer whenever he stays at Sha Samuels house to the wife disnae know he’s there and him and Sha can sneak out at night time to egg folks windaes? Affirmative. Great at diving folk directions if stopped in a street that he’s familiar with? Indeed. Jewish? Aye yer fuckin right he’s Jewish. And proud ae it. Hannukuh to those who who dont believe in Noam (Hannukuh is Jewish speak for death eh?) He got chucked aff a fuckin balcony and still overcame it all. Who fuckin knows where Drew Galloway got that 5 iron shaped hole in his skull. Its not important.
Best Podcast Award Is Awarded To
Many folk got a stauner there thinking they were getting an award? Lets be honest here, soon as anyone affiliated wae a podcast read that, they would have been thinking “ooooooooooo maybe its me” well to save a whole bunch of people a whole lot of heartache, I’m giving this award to naecunt because I listened to about 5 podcasts this year, and none of them were wrestling related. I was even on a few, and I like the dudes who run it but me giving them the award is like nepotism innit? Its like when that guy picked his son for Croatian National Team. He was a gid player, but any time he farted out of place, folk were giving it all that “you only picked that wee walloper cause he used to dwell in yer bawsack” when in fact he picked him cause he’s good at fitbaw. This podcast is my son, and I want him to be recognised for his own achievements. I want him to find a talent that makes me a fortune so I don’t need to work in a roll shop to make enough money to see me through Christmas. Naw in fact, patch all that, the award goes to Colt Cabana for doing a hilarious interview with Buff Bagwell where Buff talks about shooting his Da with a gun and them being “best friends to this day” I think they might have done the podcast in 2014, maybe even earlier than that, but the expert committee of experts has decided that they are willing to look past this. Well done Colt. Great news on the friendship with CM Punk. I hope it continues throughout any future years where you and yer various colourful heidbands dwell on this earth.
The Award For Services To The Galaxy goes to…
NIKKI EFFIN STORM
We probably won’t have her or Kay Lee Ray for much longer and if that disnae have ye phoning the Samaritans I don’t know what will. A performer as fuck. Not only the tidiest in terms of wrestling skills, but the tidiest in terms of having tidy mic skills and a tidy boady. Its a tidy package. NXT is fuckin crying out for a burd who can proper rip the pish out of Bayley. Not just the tried and tested “shes really nice and im really mean” patter, I mean someone with decent put downs who can actually knock her spirit. What I’m saying is, get Nikki Storm and Bayley in a feud. The morra.
The Larry Lariato Award For Most Heids Removed With Mad Spinny Lariats Over The Course Of The Year 2015 is awarded to…..
HE’S A LARIAT-ER, A MIGHTY LARIAT-ER, HIS NAME IS JOE COFFEY
Joe Coffey just keeps on doing what he does eh. Every time he steps intae that ring its the same story. Folk get their heids clotheslined aff and he wins matches. Its nae secret that I’m a longtime fan, but its pretty much impossible to not be a fan of his because he understands what it take’s to make each and every one of his matches matter and that’s what its fuckin aw aboot int it. Last year was all about him having outstanding battles with folk who are capable of reaching his level wrestling wise, this year its been about challenges. Sha Samuels, Rhyno, winning the SWA Battlezone after entering first. Adding strings to the bow, adding the bow to all the other bows and making a solid arm like structure out of all the bows and using it to lariat any dafty who steps between Joe Coffey and aw the fuckin belts. Every single last one of them.
The Award Which Is Awarded To The Best Fan Of Them All, A Fan Who Goes Above And Beyond All Other Fans And While Keeping The Environment Around Them As Cool As Possible is awarded to…
The NXT Award for NXT! NXT! NXT!
I love NXT as much as the next card carrying virgin but stop giving it is own vote in “best promotion” categories eh. Its not a promotion. WWE own it and could flush it down the pan quicker than you could say “hey hey hey, its a beautiful day” Always remember WWE own it and therefore they own your happiness. Don’t piss them off or they drown your happiness in pish and Curtis Axel matches.
The Award For Best Wrestling Personality Who Has Also Captained Many Sailboats Over The Course Of The Year goes to….
The golf club swingin patter merchant won an award last year for eh…..suhin. I really cannae mind. Probably something to do with surviving more kicks to the face than that cunt who got a doin aff Smeato all they years ago. Point is, Toal is also the captain of a fleet of sailboats and married me and my one true love on international waters earlier this year. That one true love is PRO WRESTLING, and I’m happy to confirm that we’re expecting our first child. Possible names include “sunset” and “flip” and Toal will have the deciding vote as to what one we choose. Thanks for listening x
The Charismatic Man Award For Most Charisma In Wrestling Today Or Any Day Ever is won by….
Was extremely tempted to make that joke where ye mix up the wrestler with the fitbaw-er, but Connie would probably fish my brain oot and eat it if I did, so instead I’ll say this. Seeing this beautiful bastard wrestle live 3 whole times this year was fuckin glorious. Worth cuttin aboot London trying in vain to find a scummy corner to smoke a herbal cigarette. Worth being sold a duff plug for my phone charger that the shopkeeper fished oot a polly bag and had the audacity to charge me 4 quid for. Worth listening to cunts actually chant “AJ…all the way” at AJ Styles. Over and fuckin over again until they literally drooned in the projectile vomit I aimed at their feet. Point is, Nakamura is really talented, and when he heard our team of experts had awarded him this award. He was just like…….”sound” No gien a fuck
The Moment To End All Moments Of The Year 2015 Goes To……
MICK FOLEY (I interviewed him once, did ye hear?) AND GRADO FORMING A BEAUTIFUL ONE NIGHT UNION THAT SAW GRADO BECOME THE ICW CHAMPION
Because for one wee beautiful moment everything stopped. Grado’s no everycunt’s cup of tea, but he’s a lot of folk’s and he’s always been mine because when Grado comes oot I get lost in it. No matter fuckin whit. No matter how many times I see that same entrance, I still lose the plot. This isnae an elabourate plan tae sook up his arse so he’ll finally dae an interview wae iz or that. Its really no. He’s cuttin aboot CM Punks hoose so I assume that ship has sailed n he’ll be fighting in the auld UFC soon enough. I have always believed in Grado and always will. So to see my all time hero give him a wee helping hand in getting to the spot that he never imagined he’d actually get to was fucking amazing. For me as a fan, it was a fuckin surreal. Seeing the man who made me love wrestling all they years ago as a wee boy, combine with the guy who made wrestling fun for me again, linking up and making shit happen. Getting to meet and interview Mick Foley was unforgettable, but the thing I’ll be tellin the grandweans about in years to come was when he cleaned Rid Lichtnin and Jack Jester oot so Grado blow the roof aff the SECC, and the genitals aff the 4,000 people inside it.
Honorable mentions – Everyone else involved in wrestling who hasn’t won any awards. You were all nominated for every award here but unfortunately the voting process was fierce and ya’ll suckas aint got nuhin.
Credit to David J.Wilson and Warrior Fight Photography for the photos.
ALSO MERRY CHRISTMAS TROOPS. XXXXXXX FROM THE WHOLE TEAM AT SNAPMARE NECKS AND THE VOTING COMMITTEE WHO MADE THESE AWARDS POSSIBLE. XXXXXXX