Why 6? Because its the first number that popped into my heid. That’s how we do list articles. If I decide there’s more or less than 6 as the article goes I’ll edit this bit, but then again, how would you know what number I started with? Maybe I started at 8 and went back to edit the numbers in this whole bit. Maybe I started at 29, with every participant apart from Divers spoken about (reigning champ int he, has to be the favourite) but nah. We started with 6. Its always been 6. Here are the 6.
While the Square Go is swarming with potential winners this year, there’s a few guys flying under the radar. Maybe there’s nae wee graphic saying they’re in the Square Go, or a promo they cut in the kitchen with the camera delicately poised on tap of the fridge door with them SAYING they’re in the Square Go, but there’s 30 folk in it, and some of them are really big. Underrated + big = someone you have to mention as a potential rumble winner. That’s just the rule. Always has been, always will be. It begins…
Big man can go. Seen him wrestle 4 or 5 times now, and every time he has me turning to my pal/the stranger next to me, grabbing them by the ears and shaking them while screamin “THIS BIG ITALIAN CUNT’S REALLY FUCKIN GOOD EH! GOOD AT THAT WRESSLIN INT HE” in their face. It seems to get the point across effectively. He’s a Square Go rookie but the big difference between him and most first time Square Go’ers is that he’s a big handy bastard who can and will fuck shit up. I don’t think he’ll win it, but I wouldn’t be shocked to see him enter early and stick about until the final 5 or 6.
2. Dave Mastiff
Wee bit ridiculous to consider Dave Mastiff as someone who’s flying under the radar, but he’s not being spoken about as a favourite to win which is equally ridiculous. He’s Dave Mastiff ffs. When he does the “cannonball” its nae roll and slice, its not a move to get the crowd going, its a move that enables him to throw his full body weight at the opponent while they lay stricken in the corner. Dave Mastiff does not fuck about and will be extremely difficult to eliminate purely for his size, never mind the huge amount of skill he possesses, so aye. If you weren’t thinking of Big Dave as a potential winner, you’re fucking wrong. Re-evaluate yer life.
3. Dickie Divers
Winning the Square Go was probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to Divers. He went from part of a squad, to a lone wolf. He went from being involved in Killer Boots’ing others, to getting his chin caved in. He went from alive, to dead. But there’s one thing you should never forget. He DID win the 2015 Square Go match. Fair and square. No matter how much of a betrayal it was in NAK country, he didnae cheat or anything. If he won it 12 months ago, then logic would dictate that he can do it again and a part of me would very much enjoy that. A Cindarella story of sorts. Also a fair chance Joe Coffey will enter first, Divers will enter second, and Joe will lariat him from the centre of the ring straight over the top rope. There’s a lot of possibilties mate. This show hasn’t happened yet so really anything is possible. Hulk Hogan could attack Divers and take his place, before slipping Brookes number in Divers back pocket because he “Looks lit a nice boay, one ye could take him and introduce to yer auld Da without him racially abusing him in private”Aye fuck it. Either Divers or Hulk Hogan is definitely winning this thing.
4. Darkside/James Scott
Nae idea what his status is with ICW as he’s hardly been involved for about a year now but if he is in, how could you bet against the former 2 time ICW Champion? Well, quite easily, as there’s a lot of big bad bastards in it this year and he’s no quite as big as them, but he’s another who might enter early and stick about for ages. At least worth stickin a tenner each way on it. Would be cool to see him and Joe Coffey go at it early on, since I assume there’s no Iron Man Challenge this year and James Scott was the first winner of it back in 2013, before Joe beat him a year later and took the Iron Man mantle. Never really properly left the NAK either, so there could possibly be some kind of finality added to that situation. Or he might not be in it at all, and I just wasted a solid 6 minutes writing this paragraph. Time I could have spent frying an egg and dropping it through an enemies letterbox right as their mail’s gettin delivered so their mail gets aw covered in egg. Take THAT!
5. Paul London
He said on twitter he’d be on these shores in the first half of the year, and as I’ve been repeatedly told by a Paul London enthusiast “JANUARY IS IN THE FIRST HALF OF THE YEAR, THAT MEANS HE MIGHT BE IN THE SQUARE GO!” so aye. As unlikely as it is, its not impossible, so why not Paul London eh? Why can’t the Intrepid Traveller spend some time watching folk travel over that top rope, with him standing tall at the end? Would be a shock if he appeared AND won, but it would certainly be popular. Of the few “imports” ICW have had, he’s most definitely the soundest and extremely well liked amongst the fans. Seriously doubt he’ll win it, but it would be cool as fuck if he was at least in it.
6. Red Lightning
With Drew and Jester involved it might not seem like Red is really a threat to win it. Surely either of them having the briefcase would be better for business than Red himself having it considering they’ve both been wrestling regularly while Red hasn’t, but as much as folk are touting Dallas winning it Vince McMahon 1999 style, Red Lightning is by far the bigger threat of the two. Before he was the all powerful bastard of a boay who makes the audience collectively wince when he appears to ruin whatever good shit might be happening in the ring at that time, he was the all powerful ICW Champion; who won that belt after an all powerful victory in the first ever Square Go. A former champ AND former Square Go winner, who’s not above skulduggery to get the job done? He shouldnae be flying under the radar as a possible winner, he should be the favourite, and imagine the crowd if he did? Imagine the sheer volume of pish filled cups that would rain upon his napper, and I’ve nae doubt he would soak it all in. Not the pish itself like, I mean the fact that cunts hate him enough to do that.
This show is surprisingly not sold out yet, so get a ticket if you don’t already. Or spend yer money on other less good things. Like anal beads that ye wear as a cool necklace or a toy giraffe that yer dug rips apart the day ye get it. Aye. Wrestling. Come to the Square Go or be known as the guy who missed Hulk Hogan battering Divers. Nobody wants to be that guy.