The Top 12 Contenders For The 2016 Square Go

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Picking a top 12 out of 30 entrants isn’t exactly narrowing it down very much, but there’s too many good folk in it this year to narrow it down more than that. In fact, narrowing it down to 12 was difficult, the original list had no fewer than the names of 510 wrestlers, before I realised most of them were actually members of the Von Erich family and therefore unreachable; Due to being deid. The 12 will not be ranked in a particular order aside from picking my outright favourite because I really don’t see the merit in ranking them in number order. Like if I had Mark Coffey 7th, am I saying he’s the 7th most likely to win it? Is there any rhyme or reason for that? Nah, so we’re no daein it. Essentially it’ll just be a list of human beings you’re already aware of, who happen to do wrestling, and will be involved in this match. Involved as fuck. Haphazardly chucking folk over they ropes. Let us begin.

Wolfgang

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Wolfgang has forever been my favourite Scottish wrestler, and there’s naecunt involved in the match that I’d go more daft for that Wolfgang if he wins it. On the face of it he’s a hugely strong contender because he’s a Square Go veteran who’s chucked more people out than anyone else, and right now he looks in the best shape of his life, or at least the time period I’ve seen him dae the wrestling. Still a huge imposing unit of a man, but its more finely chiselled. My heart says Wolfy all the way, but I cannae see him or BT winning it if Renfrew wins the belt so a lot depends on the outcome of that match. A lot also depends on if Wolfgang clicks intae Tasmanian Devil mode and eliminates everycunt in a mad rage, only to become conscious again and realise he’s actually won the thing. Win, lose or draw he’s killing it as the NAKs enforcer and 2016 is going to be some year for the big man.

 

Drew Galloway

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It feels too obvious, but he’s certainly the man with the best pedigree in the match. Partly cause Triple H is a bit busy signing NJPW’s roster to squeeze the Square Go in, but listen. Kidding and joking aside, he’s one of the best fucking wrestlers on the planet and if it comes down to just wrestling ability, he’s the guy. Unfortunately it disnae. It comes down to a lot of other factors, like what number you draw, how close that number is to your potential allies in the match in order for alliances to be formed, and perhaps most importantly, if you’re the guy that’s supposed to win. Wrestling outcomes are pre-determined, did naecunt tell ye? Really though, I imagine the Black Label and Team Dallas altercation will probably lead to him not winning it, but if he does, fuck being the champion. A huge achievement and honour it may be, but is it worth knowing Drew Galloway might dropkick yer front teeth in and capture your title before you’ve even really got to know it properly, at ANY time over the course of the next year. A fate worse than death that would be.

 

BT Gunn

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He’s a fuckin died in the wool psychopath so if you’re looking for the chief reason he’s a contender, its that. He’s also a two-time former ICW Champion, and wants it a third time. He’ll never stop wanting it and he really doesn’t give a fuck what sacrifices he has to make to regain the belt. Even if he has to give up his own blood, sweat or any of his collection of switchblades, its not a problem. This lack of regard for his own welfare of course means he gives even less of a flying fuck about anyone elses. Would be cool to see him, Wolfy and Stevie enter in close proximity to each other and dominate, but if Renfrew wins the ICW Title it does present a wee bit of a problem. If anything is capable of causing problems for the NAK its one of its members chasing the other for the belt, especially if its BT Gunn and Renfrew, but it could also lead to one of the best feuds in ICW history so who the fuck knows. It might be BT Gunn.

 

Jack Jester

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Best heel in the company right now for my money because I really want to shout at him. A lot. He takes 10 year to get in the ring, and he fuckin knows fine well how annoying it is. He shouts at fans. He calls them nasty names. He hits people with a variety of steel based objects with varying degrees of sharpness. He tries to shove studded dildos up Joe Coffeys arse. Not a very nice man, which is something that seems to a pre-requisite for Square Go winners. I’d never stop moaning about it if he did win it and I guess that would be the point if he did. He’s not supposed to be cheered. Right now he’s a bad yin and everything about him is dripping in arrogance and perspiration. I reckon he’ll probably be a casualty of any altercation between The Black Label and Team Dallas but who the fuck knows. There might no even be a Team Dallas, and maybe The Black Label will disband immediately due differences at boardroom level. This is all guesswork really int it. Jack Jester held that belt for ages and has never really had a shot of winning it back. Maybe he wants that shot. Maybe he’s gonnae take that shot. Maybe.

 

Mikey Whiplash

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He’s been very open about wanting the main event at The Hydro and why the fuck not. Is there a better in ring technician in the UK than Mikey Whiplash? If there is I’ve not seen him in 3 and a half years of going to shows. Why shouldn’t one of the best the UK has ever produced have that stage? Love, hate or possess an unrelenting indifference to him, there’s no denying he’s tremendous at what he does, and winning the Square Go would allow him to go and fucking take that main event. Nae bullshit. Nae suspense. Announce that the date of the cash in will be in front of 11,000 folk and main event the fuck out of that show. I don’t think his Legion stablemates are scheduled to be in it, so I reckon the NAK will band together to toss him out, but it would be a wee bit perfect if it somehow came down to BT Gunn and Whiplash after their soul consuming feud that told the most interesting story in ICW in 2015. Would be poignant to see it officially end with one of them going on to win the belt.

 

Joe Coffey

Look at the names in this entirely pointless list alone for an insight to the immensity of the task facing Joe. Knowing he’s the number one entrant means knowing he has to overcome each and every person in what is undoubtedly going to be the most talent heavy Square Go to date. This is fuckin Royal Rumble 92 levels of pure star studdedness and Joe has to beat them all. Ordinarily you would not give a person in that predicament a hope, but this is Joe Coffey mate. This is no ordinary teal trunks wearing run of the mill grappler, this is the Ironest of all the men. This is the mightiest of all the wrestlers and while there’s people who might have an easier path to winning this thing, none of them are as equipped to deal with being in there for a long time than Joe Coffey. He won the SWA Battlezone from entering first this year and while that has no bearing on this, it does confirm that it’ll no be easy for him to get puffed oot. Getting totally and utterly puffed oot and spending hauf the time whiteying in the corner is not a strong look, so you can be assured that fate will not befall Joe Coffey. Nae doubt the roof will come off the place if he does it and it would be sweet retribution on Red Lightning and anyone else who’s stopped him getting the the heights he undoubtedly deserves, but I just think its too much of an ask from entering first. Imagine he entered first and Damo gets 30th? I mean, superhuman at times Joe Coffey certainly is, but coming up against Damo having wrestled for an hour? Sorry n that, but you lose that battle. You lose that battle 99 times out of 100, and the 1 time you don’t is because Damo got preoccupied throwing trees at other trees and forgot he was even in the Square Go. Sometimes throwing trees is more important.

 

Mark Coffey

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He holds title belts. He holds them for long periods of time, and looks like he SHOULD hold they belts. The belt never looks uncomfortable with Mark Coffey. He keeps it shiny and most importantly, keeps it round his waist. Slag the failure to reach 442 all ye want. Truth be told, making it known they were aiming for that leaves them wide open for a slagging if they fall short, and Polo Promotions did drop the tag belts, but the fact is, they held them for 413 days. Holding any title for that long is pretty fuckin amazin and add the fact that he was completely dominant as Zero-G Champion, that makes Mark Coffey a guy who should be mentioned in the running for this. Unless Polo Promotions regain the tag belts earlier in the night, cause they’ll be too busy getting scooped in The Brazen Head to be bothering with such trivial matters as winning a Square Go.

 

Jackie Polo

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There’s something not adding up here. Jackie Polo has never much cared for fans or anyone for that matter. His way is the right way, and anyone who disagrees can fuck off. I’m sure he’s having the time of his life cutting about dancing with his best pal in the world and slinging they tag belts all over town, but if Polo Promotions dont regain the gold for whatever reason, I reckon Jackie Polo will begin to revert to the Polo of old and that Jackie Polo is a ruthless bastard in the ring, on the mic and anywhere in between. That version of Jackie Polo could win the Square Go, by aligning himself with whoever can help him get the job done. Folk reckon someone might turn heel on Dallas, well why not Jackie Polo? Its not like they’ve ever been pals. Polo knocked the living fuck out of Dallas for control of the company, so who’s to say he doesn’t still have designs of gaining some degree of control over it. All of this is perhaps unlikely, but that’s wrestling. Sometimes things happen that you never saw coming a mile away. Jackie Polo winning the Square Go might be one of those things. Of course Polo Promotions might win the tag belts and him, Mark Coffey, DCT and Coach Trip will be bawdeep in a trough of lager before the Square Go even starts, or maybe Jackie Polo knocks Grado aff that perch that he supposedly sat him on top of in the first place, and becomes ICWs BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST Champion.

 

Sha Samuels

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Defending the tag belts on the card might take it out the big man a bit, but if anyone from The 55 is a contender its big Sha. I know Bram’s cuttin aboot the UK lately and I know he fits the bill as a possible winner due to him being massive and probably homicidal, but I can’t give the nod to anyone but Sha, partly because the thought of Bram winning it makes me feel a bit ill. If he’s involved he’ll likely be pre-occupied getting heidered aff DCT. If The 55 come into this team handed, then Sha will be the quarterback leading the troops. Instead of an American Football it’ll be a brick, and instead of playing American Football, it’ll be bricking folk with the aforementioned brick. Basically, Sha Samuels might not win The Square Go, but if he’s in it, he’ll make a few dents in a few skulls. He has tremendous natural chemistry with Grado so if he comes out of the Renfrew match still holding that shiny belt, Sha would be a natural choice for a feud, and that feud could be centred round Sha having that briefcase so he might just dae it.

 

Noam Dar

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The Garage was rammed for his match with Drew and he had each and every member of that audience eating out the palm of his hand. Find me somecunt who didn’t want him to prevail and you’ll have found me a lowdown dirty nae good bastard with nae moral compass. Noam Dar has been called one for the future for too long. He’s been on the cusp of that big break, and for some reason it’s not quite happened for him yet. There’s been career defining matches, and special moments. That night he faced Drew, The Garage belonged to Noam Dar, and that’s a memory he could never replace, but winning this would be that moment. The moment where the word “future” gets itself to fuck out of everyones vocabulary when it comes to talking about Noam (dont eliminate it completely like. You might need it for other shit) because while winning this entitles him to a future title shot, it would also him make him very much ICWs present. So why not Noam eh? If that moment is out there for him, this could be it. This might be the moment.

 

Jimmy Havoc

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While I think it would be stupid to rule Jimmy Havoc out due to him being one of the sickest cunts in the United Kingdom, he has spent a lot of time battering people since he made his return to ICW at the last London date they ran. I imagine those people won’t have forgotten that and if a lot of them are in the ring with him at the same time, they might try n knock fuck out of him n shove pennies up his nose, but if he avoids a baying mob he will definitely make it to the latter stages and will probably kick someone in the throat at some stage so he’ll be good entertainment no matter whit. Wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up involved in the Black Label vs Dallas situation, and its likely that if he does, he’ll just kill everyone and leave.

 

Big Damo 

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My favourite to win it all. The whole kit n caboodle. A briefcase, then a shiny belt. There are a number of reasons I think Big Damo will win it, but the first and most obvious one is the very fact that he is fucking huge, and its difficult to get huge guys near the ropes never mind over the top of them. There is a possibility that he enters quite early and a team of smaller wrestlers band together and try to toss him out but that really only works on The Great Khali. Most of the time the big guy knocks fuck out the lot of them and feasts on their limbs. The second reason he’s the favourite for me is simply the fact that he’s been laying low. As low as a 23 stone hairy Irish guy can lay anyway. While he’s often been having the best match of the card at ICW, he’s been letting the Grado vs Drew thing play out knowing that it really doesn’t matter who has the belt, when the chance presents itself again there will be no conspiracy, and he’ll beat the champion fair and square. An assurance that comes as part and parcel of being a massive angry bear, who can and often does fly. Pretty much every entrant in the Square Go has a score to settle with somecunt. Anything from a wrestling feud, a gambling debt, someone having compromising pictures of someone elses maw. Whatever it may be. But Damo? He doesn’t make enemies unless he seeks them out. Folk know better than to actually go after Damo, so while The Black Label are scrapping with Dallas and whoever backs him up on the night. Be it Davey Boy, Noam Dar, Jamie Feerick, Haku or anyone else, they’ll be preoccupied with each other. The Bucky Boys will no doubt knock fuck out each other at some point and probably end up scrapping up the Parkhead Forge. Polo Promotions and The 55 will naturally scrap. Legion and the NAK still have bad blood, so who does that leave? Just the biggest guy in the thing fire them all over the top rope and win that belt. The third and final reason I think Damo will win it is that there probably wont be any surprise cash-in or even a hint of it. He’ll likely set a date far enough in the future for him to gain enough strength to remove a mans head with one punch, and then he will apply that in his ICW Title match and win the title via referee stoppage. Due to the other competitor no huvin a heid.

 

There are other folk who of course might win it, but I’ve ruled a few out based on being too busy with other shit. Davey Boy and Stevie Boy for example, will no doubt face each other and leather each other at some point, and one will eliminate the other, followed by the other one’s pals eliminating him. Simple science mate. Do the math. And the science. Lionheart vs Kenny Williams will hopefully get plenty of time to tell a good story on the card and whoever progresses from that match to the Square Go will be knackered. Also very likely that whatever one disnae make it to the Square Go is some sort of factor in the other being eliminated. Liam Thomson wont win it because he’ll be too busy hitting his missus with chairs, and I don’t think Tommy End’s gonnae be in it or he would be another strong contender. Why nae Mark Dallas on the list I don’t hear you ask? I just don’t see him actually winning it because the prize is pretty useless to him and he respects his roster too much. Think about it, is Mark Dallas gonnae cash in a title shot on his own champion at any point? Would make nae sense. So I can’t see Dallas actually winning it but his presence will certainly add something intriguing to the match. Him having a physical confrontation with Red would be momentus. The thing about it is, 3000 fuckin words in this and really the only point I’ve made is that I think Big Damo will win the 2016 Square Go. 

Thank you to David J.Wilson and Warrior Fight Photography for the stunning photos as usual. Very talented people. 

 

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