An Interview With Bilal Zafar (Who I Would Later Find Out Isn’t A Famous Wrestler)

billy

Sometimes in the game of life we get dealt a bad hand. The hand of a man who has just been duped by a man in cakesuit. The fable of the man who was sold sugar flavoured salt and ruined all his chips with it. “Oh yeah but he has children!” so what? he duped me. “Oh yeah, he opened that cake shop one time and people got racist” so what? he duped me. “Oh yeah, he’s been to Southampton” Oh really? Ok. I’ll lay off then. He seems like he’s been through enough already.

When I sat down at my local octupus eaterie awaiting his arrival I can only tell you what his family told me…”watch out, he bites if you startle him” Should have been my first clue that this “Bilal ‘cakes’ Zafar” is not a real wrestler. The picture above is NOT of him cutting a promo on a foe, he actually does comedy. Well. We uncovered the truth eventually but until then things were…..awkward (aka awkz)


Question One (of several)

Alright. Alright. Settle. The buzz about “Bilal Zafar” has reached all the way over here. To Scotland. That’s abroad. The question is, as a wrestler who reaches an audience far beyond his own mum and living room, whats your favourite wrestling based sitcom?

Seinfeld.

Great answer. They wrestle with every day problems and sometimes they win, sometimes they lose. 
Your wrestling gimmick involves you dressing like a big cake, with another smaller person emerging from the middle of that cake, like a surprise birthday surprise. Is this correct? if so, why?

For me wrestling is art sure the outcome is fake and all the moves and story but its real when I wear a costume, haters can hate on me they say I’m shite patter when i ask for directions, sure, I get thrown out of everywhere I’ve ever been. At the end of the day i can  say “hey i done my best at least my little wean boys can be proud I put food on the table at the end of the fight, sure the outcome is fake but my kids arent real”

No offence here m8. But are you even a wrestler? For real? I have my doubts. Theres a respect line and you just threw a sack of children over it. Make or break question 3. Kenny Williams? (interview only continues if your answer is right)

Aye.

OK. You must be a wrestler then. Very good. Where is your favourite destination for a holiday other than “my fist landing at yourface airport??

Chokeslam Boulevard. 100%.

I hear its hot this time of year! Brilliant. Really cool. Safe. Who trained you in the ancient art of wrestling? Who’s dojo helped you go pro yo?

Little guy called Colin. 4 foot 1, wrestles like a machine. Put me in a coma and I woke up with all the wrestling skills I needed to put food on the table for his kids. He’s in prison for fraud…and he killed 100 people in a street fight. It was the first time he was drunk, he had a Sambucca shot.

He sounds like a good guy. So far so good. I just got a text from a friend saying “he does comedy, we’ve actually seen him do comedy, what are you doing?” but i’ve set my phone to “ignore Davey” mode and we’re good to continue. Favourite wrestling match in your career so far? (hahaha thats almost Zafar)

Hehee interview banter is what I long for. I fought wee Jimmy Pastry in 2004, the year of our lord. Was meant to be a fake outcome but he thought I was sleeping with his parents. he beat me up so bad I had to be air lifted out the ring. Wee Jim got hit by a helicopter when he was cycling home so I kept the belt and now I put food on the table for his kids and I’m sleeping with his parents once a week.

 .
At this point alarm bells start a-ringin. Not because I can’t fathom the idea that this sack of spuds in front of me does the wrestling and does sex with people’s parents.  Its not that at all. Stop thinking that. The alarm bells start ringing because I was sent a video clip on my cellphone and unless this fella opposite me has an identical twin mother, he’s not a bloody wrestler at all. He’s a standup comedian! The full extent of the dupe sucks my face off my head. I’ve lost face! How did this happen! Where is my face! 
.
Alright supposed wrestler boy. If you actually do the wrestling for real, what is this clip my mate sent me of you doing standup? what is it all about? This is your chance to be honest with the guy who spent £7.80 on a train ticket and £4000 on all these octupuses, ive made a lot of effort. I deserve to know who I am actually interviewing plz.
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You’re interviewing a legend. Pls stop giving me a hard time
 .
Mate my last two interviews have been with a WWE Hall Of Famer, and the ICW champion, give over
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Have either of them won the new act of the year 2016 (formerly Hackney empire award) which has been around for 30 years? I did without even having a pre-determined ending no offence.
.

A quick check in with google.com confirms this award is real. This might as well be Tom Cruise, and I’m Oprah’s couch. This guy is jumping all over me.

Award winner are we? I presented an award once. Wore a suit. This isnt a dick swinging contest though. I won all of those contests so much they retired them for good. King dick swinger right here. Ok not a wrestler then. Comedian. What kind of act do you do? I like Roy Chubby Brown, is it like that?

I remember your suit I don’t really like wearing suits per say. I saw a video of Roy Chubby Brown performing and he said he had so much weed he was higher than a giraffes fanny. I don’t have anything like that unfortunately.

Disappointing. He does a bit about how Irish people have never heard of soap. Its really great. Ok so comedy. A mate of a mate told me you’re coming to Scotland to do some of it. Scotland is terrible. Where else do you have gigs that is better than Scotland?

I’m going to bath soon, I hear that’s nice. Yorkshire is very nice but a bit scary (I find farms scary). People like to pretend Scotland is horrible but it’s better than Doncaster. I’ll be in Edinburgh for all of August. I’ve heard people from Glasgow hate Edinburgh because of their hats. I think that’s a great shame.

I think they shouldn’t wear placenta’s as hats, but thats just me being normal. 

They shouldn’t wear old placentas as hats. Its not normal. You are coming to Glasgow also yes? Unless you aren’t U2. Please tell me this is still an interview with U2, I wanted Bono to sign my contract (its a contract for him to fight a bear)

I’m only doing the glasgow stand on April 12th and then I’m outta there faster than an Edinburgh student leaving for their gap year and blogging about the hat they’ve knitted. Is that accurate?

Very! Ok last but not hardly least, whats the aim with this comedy caper? Where is the Bilal train stopping? I usually do things with wrestlers and they say wrestling things, so it’ll be interesting to hear an answer that is less wrestling, more comedy. Almost exclusively comedy.

Hopefully get very successful and not be tempted by Celebrity Big Brother. I have some big things happening that I can’t mention right now, but it could be a huge year for me. The main focus is my Edinburgh show, I don’t want to wrestle anyone. I went to icw once and it was fun but one of the wrestlers shot some snot at the audience and I don’t usually do that to audiences.


Bilal Zafar is not a wrestler, but he is a man doing things in the comedy field. Below is one of those comedy things. Watch it. He’s very good.


If you want an interview with him that isn’t ridiculous, get in about and around this. Its very funny in a way that isn’t him being mistaken for a wrestler.

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