ICWs 100th Show Review (FNFC Episodes 8 and 9)

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ICW are turning The Garage into its very own Full Sail. I don’t mean they’re turning it into a big boat, that would be heavy weird and difficult to wrestle in. I mean like the venue NXT have most of their shows in. Having a lot of shows at The Garage creates a “home crowd” and the more it happens, the louder it’ll get. Memories created. All of a sudden we’re celebrating ICWs 1000th show and its only 2017. 3 shows a day. Matinee, Lunchtimeinee and Dinneree. The bus isnae stopping. Don’t get excited by the presence of a service station. We’re merely having a driver change and will be on our way in a matter of seconds. So get that fag oot yer stinkin gub and read this review of ICWs 100th show. There was also AWARDS and after fielding calls to reprise my role as “sweaty guy who gave out an award and stuttered a lot that time” from last years awards show, I decided to give the spotlight to others this time around.

Carmel (c) vs Sammi Jayne – ICW Women’s Title Match 

Carmel entered first and verbally serenaded us with a rallying cry masquerading as a poem that told ye ICW is the best independent wrestling promotion in the world. The transition from baddie who uses those verbal skills to eviscerate folk, to a goodie who gets the crowd taping their skants to a pole and waving them about haphazardly has ultimately been a successfully one, having gained a win over Liam Degree at The Barras and becoming the ICW Women’s Champion all in a short period of time. Nikki Storm got on the mic and demanded Billy Kirkwood give her the award for best female wrestler as it was obviously her, but there was a snake in the works (Viper is a type of snake, so we’ve replaced ‘spanner’ with ‘snake’ here…smooth eh?) as Viper appeared on the big screen to inform us that she actually won, and basically told Nikki to “sit doon hen” She never actually said that, but subtext is important.

The match was excellent. Sammi Jayne moves really well and takes a doing better than anyone in the Women’s Division while still getting plenty of slick stuff in herself. Double knees to Carmels midriff when she was daein that mad Matrix bridging shit was really quite beautiful. The Pipebomb Princess patter is all well and good, she’s wonderful on the mic, but folk shouldn’t forget she built a reputation on being a talented wrestler and telling some captivating stories with Kay Lee Ray, and this match felt like her back to her very best. Sammi got a right good waft of the gold when she hit a modified version of her finisher, but Carmel kicked out and speared the spleen right out her to secure the win and retain the shiny belt. Entertaining opener and proof if it was needed that Carmel can lead the Women’s Division in the absence of some very talented folk.

Looked like the whole thing with Nikki Storm and Sammi Jayne was finally coming to a head when Nikki berated her after the match, but Sammi refrained. Probably so she can batter her on a future show. Ye cannae blow all the battering on the one show. Got to space them out a wee bit mate. Very important.

Lewis Girvan vs Zack Gibson vs Jack Jester

The Black Label version of Jester just works. Even that blood orgy of an entrance tune is fuckin perfect and I hate that it all comes together so well because then I need to say complimentary things about someone I enjoy shouting at. He won this match without actually being in it. How does someone win a match they aren’t even fuckin in? Seems impossible eh? Not when yer besties wae the boss. When yer besties wae the boss ye can win matches you aren’t even in the building for. Being best pals with Red Lightning could legitimately send you back in time to win matches you weren’t even born for. That’s what it means to be in The Black Label. Turning Savage vs Steamboat into Savage vs Jester vs Steamboat. Turning Rock vs Austin into Rock vs Austin vs Jester. Turning Taker vs HBK from Mania 26 into NOTHING. It stays the same. No one fucks wae that match.

After being withdrawn from the contest by Red Lightning due to a serious illness causing complete paralysis of the ‘Kin-be-arsed’ gland Jester still won. A match he sat on a step and watched…still fuckin won. If that’s not the height of bad bastardry I dunno what is. Stoating in after a match is done and dusted and taking the pin for the fuck of it. Girvan was informed before the match that he wasn’t in The Black Label, despite the fact he had their t-shirt on! Crushing the dreams of thousands of 5 foot white guys who cut about in basketball jerseys thinking they actually play for the Lakers.If he beat Gibson he might have a shot of getting in. The match between Girvan and Gibson was excellent. Gibson moves well for a big cunt and Girvan could drag a decent match ootae a burst Dyson. Gibson looked headed for the win when he caught Girvan in mid-air with the double knees to the gut, before getting a near fall with a variation of a suplex where he hooked one of Girvans legs, but there’s Jester with a chair. Of course its Jester with a chair. Who else but Jester with a chair was going to win this match between Zack Gibson and Lewis Girvan. As Gibson locked in a majorly sare looking armbar, Jester hit him with a chair, before Girvan finished him off with a lowblow and a sitout DDT type thing, before letting Jester in for the pin. 

Girvan wasn’t even allowed to walk to the back with his prospective mentors and was basically told he’s less The Black Label’s apprentice, more The Black Label’s slave. I like this storyline for Girvan. Adds a level of interest to his character and gives you something else Girvan related to think about other than him being a very talented wrestler. Well this Black Label storyline and the fact that he seems to be right into smashing folk in the baws these days. Both Girvan and Gibson cut backstage promo’s and big Gibson knocked his out the park. Telling Jester that he was gonnae chuck him about Liverpool like a bag of jelly dildo’s or eh….something like that. The central thesis of the promo is that Jester is really good at shaggin but no quite as good at wrestling as Zack Gibson.

BT Gunn vs Mikey Whiplash is announced as 2015 Feud Of The Year

Mikey Whiplash is sick of our pish. BT Gunn quite likes us though. No matter how sick of the sheepish and fickle ways of the ICW fans are Mikey Whiplash gets, folk are still going to cheer for him and vote for him in these things because in ICW he’s loved. Whether he likes it or not, he’s appreciated and loved. That’s the way it is. Nae amount of shouting at a burd for having a hollow fanny is changing that any time soon.

Joe Coffey vs Andrew Wilde

Andy Wild was often a part of the best wrestling matches on some of the early ICW shows I seen. The difficult thing for him was getting emotional investment from the fans. So he went away, he rebuilt, he traded the shakes for steaks and the bottles of water for 5 bowls of soup wae bread and a roll n sausage on the side. He went from red pants and a zero-g title to a purple singlet and a zero-tolerance attitude towards folk on benefits. A win over Joe Coffey could be the thing to propel him to new and exciting heights in ICW, but he didn’t get that, cause he was wrestling Joe Coffey mate. He tends to leather folk. An early German Suplex attempt fell foul to Joe’s gammy leg. Leading Andy to chop him right on the leg. We’ve seen just about every variation of chop possible over the years in ICW but a leg chop? Innovation that’s set to sweep the nation.

Joe did eventually hit the German after firing Wild into the ropes, before a few hulk busters had the big yin in a daze. He did hit back with a beauty of an overhead belly to belly, but Joe had too much. He’s a man made of actual real iron so I imagine chucking him over yer napper zaps the energy out of you and Joe put the former Zero-G Champion away with a short armed lariat quickly followed by the discus lariat for the win. So many lariats. Nice to see Andy Wild back having right good midcard matches in The Garage but Joe Coffey needs main events. Joe Coffey needs belts. Joe Coffey is any Spice Girls single in the 90s. Destined to be number fuckin one.

The 55 (Sha Samuels and Kid Fite) vs The Toal Family (Dickie Divers and Lou King Sharp) – ICW Tag Title Match 

The less said about this the better awrite? Not the match btw. I mean Sha standing on a chair to give it ‘laaaaaarge’ and falling off said chair during their entrance, because Sha disnae make mistakes mate. Whenever he’s about to make a mistake, he makes more money instead. Whenever he’s about to fall down, he downs a pint and smashes the empty glass err yer Da’s heid. Divers and Lou King Sharp aren’t the most harmonious of teams, and that was more than apparent when Divers actually got a bit of momentum going only for LKS to tag himself in and subsequently get flung about like a bad idea at a WWE creative meeting.

Lou King Sharp did have his moments though, and at one point managed to create enough of an opening to get Divers tagged in, only for Divers to do that classic “I don’t fuckin like this cunt I’m taggin wae” move and jump off the apron. Leaving Sharp to get his cunt unceremoniously kicked in. Nearly sneaked one mind you, when he tried a wee sneaky sunset flip on Fito, but his momentum was halted when he tried to take it one step too far. Everyone has limitations, and nae amount of foot stamping and tantrum throwing is gonnae turn Lou King Sharp into someone with the physical capabilities to hit a double spear on Kid Fite and Sha Samuels. Goldberg in his spear slingin’ prime probably couldn’t hit that never mind the 9 stone colossus in pink skinnies. He went ahead and tried it anyway god bless his soul, and found himself on the ‘sharp’ end of all sorts of sare moves, ending with a double suplex aided by the top rope to ensure The 55 kept the belts. Wisnae a classic but Sha and Fito came out of it looking like a right pair of baw bootin hooligans and I imagine that was the aim.

Before the match Toal told us that his troops maybe didn’t love each other but they were united in the desire to see The 55 no longer have the belts. If that was the case before the match it didn’t take much to persuade Divers otherwise. We all know there’s only one solution in his pursuit of a tag partner and its no Lou King Sharp. A certain co-commentator with a penchant for patter and an ICW Tag Title reign under his belt might just be the guy. The guy to reform the S.T.I. I kinda hope not though, as he’s my favourite co-commentator Billy has ever had and even took time to big up Fito’s snap suplex when he called the match, and as niche as it might be, that’s like…my favourite trait for a commentator to have. An appreciation for a right good snap suplex is all to rare in this modern world where its all iPhones, bad eccies and short attention spans.

Renfrew shows his hand

Lightning was just a wee bit too smug wasn’t he. Coming out and pretty much declaring that Renfrew is his boy and he’s brought the belt home to The Black Label was never gonnae end well. Even if Renfrew intended to side with him, I could see him changing his mind in real-time cause fuck that noise. It all started off amicably, with Red presenting Renfrew with the talker of the year award, only for Dallas to emerge to spoil what looked like an unsettling NAK/Black Label love-in. It was revealed to be nothing more than an almighty ruse. As Lightning and Dallas had another war of words, Renfrew took off his shirt to reveal “I’m A Mark Dallas Guy” written on his chest. A cool wee moment where the fans got to enjpy the reveal without Renfrew stating it verbally, meaning Lighting unwittingly turned round and got Stoner’ed clean out his brand new Fila gutties. Lightning’s punishment for this indiscretion was making Renfrew defend the title in a fatal four way against his NAK brethren but that shows just how little need Renfrew has for Lightning because the worst punishment he could think of will still see the ICW World Heavyweight Title end the night with the NAK. No matter whit. Even if there was to be a cash-in, Wolfgang is the guy who holds that briefcase. With Lightning out the game , Dallas assumed show running responsibilities while Sweeney bundled Lightning into the back of his motor, to drop him off at a dogging site where burds would spend the rest of the night using him as a shield between their knees and the ground.

BT Gunn vs Kenny Williams

Feud of the year usually goes to a feud with a lot of heat. Maybe the two guys are cousins who hate each other….or maybe its a mental Scottish guy trying to prove he’s more mental than a mental English guy. The common denominator in these feuds is BT fuckin Gunn, and while it might not have the heat that those two feuds had, if you’re looking for an early front runner for 2016 feud of the year…its this right here. Two matches. Both show stealers. One win each. Make it best of 15 and just have them do beautiful wrestling shit to each other for the rest of the year. Take this match on tour. Show the fuckin world.

They leathered each other for the first portion of the match. For every move evaded by Kenny, there was a nipple removing chop heading in his direction from BT in return. BT looked like he was trying to German Suplex Kenny on to the barrier and most of the time you look at a spot like that and go “naaaaaah, its gettin reversed or something” but BT Gunn is actually just about mental enough to German Suplex a cunt from the apron on to a barrier so for a few seconds it was squeaky erse time. That act of wrestling homicide was blocked so he settled for powerbombing Kenny into the crowd instead…cause that’s much safer. The whole match was them hitting each other very hard with unerring cohesion. Every chop from BT seeming sarer than the last one. Every diving back elbow from Kenny landing like a lawn dart on BTs windpipe. Yet for all the magical flippy shit and the sarest of hits, the match ended with a quick rollup after Kenny missed a missile dropkick. Simple as fuck and this wee game of wrestling chess these two have on the go continues. 1 win each. Even if we dont get the mammoth 15 match feud I’m after, at least give us a decider between the two eh. And give them half an hour. Nah fuck it, an hour. Iron man with knives and fire. Nah fuck it, give them a shot. “Friday Night BT Gunn vs Kenny Club” might no roll aff the tongue, but it feels right.

Kenny is the fuckin bollocks btw. It might not get chanted with the same aplomb as it once did, but the cunt just understands how to do the wrestling. After his win over BT his reaction was the perfect mix of joy and pure shock. Sold it brilliantly. What was his reaction after getting the tits chopped clean aff him? Sitting in the corner going “AHHHH FFS MA TITS ARE RID RAW!” Know why? Cause his tits were rid raw. Kenny Williams kens.

The Polo Lounge WITH SPECIAL GUESTS BRAM AND DREW GALLOWAY

This Is Your Life never got a second part, despite fans across the globe crying out for it. That story never saw its conclusion. This one however? The tale of the tall motherfuckers had its beginning, middle and end right in front of us and it was majestic. Coming fresh off his latest trip flying the flag in The Bermuda Triangle (aka The Belshill Community Centre) big Drew emerged just in the nick of time to stop Bram leathering some burd in the front row to tell us all about his adventures as a globe trotting Scotsman of great distinction, before he bashfully accepted the award for Tag Team Of The Year on behalf of Polo Promotions as Mark Coffey sadly couldn’t be with us and of course Jackie Polo was very busy hosting this here segment. Red Lightning looked a bit a wee bit skinnier than usual when he presented this award, and decidedly more Mark Dallas-y than hes ever looked. Polo made sure to look right into the eyes of the minority/majority owner when he said Polo Promotions intend on taking they belts back and turning them into WORLD tag team titles. As intense as that was from Polo, lets not have our attention taken away from how fuckin hilarious Mark Coffey’s Drew impression is. When him and DC….I mean eh…Bram, kidded on they were giants who were stomping on the little guy it made me dae a wee pee. Just a wee yin.

The Local Fire (Davey Boy and Joe Hendry) vs Liam Thomson and Lionheart

There’s times I’ve not been into Joe Hendry’s entrance shenanigans. It winds up looking a bit daft if yer rippin the cunt out of everyone and a lot of them end up beating you in the match, but lately he’s been on fire. From the Hendryball at the SECC onwards its been funny as fuck, and he saved the best for the 100th show. Its easy to forget he ripped the piss out of Liam Thomson a bit, because he fuckin eviscerated Lionheart. See that bit in 8 Mile where Eminem rips the other cunt so bad he actually can’t speak? That’s what happened to Lionheart, except instead of being rendered speechless he had to hide his face because he couldn’t stop himself from bursting out laughing. Bad motherfuckers don’t smile. The fact that The Garage had a “selfies wae yer dug!” chant on the go as this started set the tone for the forthcoming ridiculousness.

It was actually decent to watch when it got going. Joe Hendry in particular looking sharp as fuck. Liam Thomson leapfrogged a spear from Davey Boy, but the spear caught Lionheart unaware. Probably daydreaming about him and his dug selfie’ing across the Atlantic Ocean together. A voyage of canine and human bonding. Davey Boy seemed to relish getting his baws right in amongst the trunks he was wearing. Probably because they belonged to Liam Thomson! If there’s even been more of a power move in a match than coating yer opponents spare tights in baw-sweat I’m yet to see it. The match delved back into the ridiculous when Davey and Joe were basically making their opponents fight by throwing them in each others direction, before they took the win with a pair of double team fallaway slams.

Joe Hendry took to the mic to tell us he’s going to be the top guy in wrestling one day and that journey apparently starts with Mr Anderson at The Garage on March 6th. Cards on the table, I cannot go Mr Anderson, and if that journey starts with Joe booting the ever loving shite out the cunt, I am more than on board wae it. Looking forward tae it Joe san.

BT Gunn wins the Bammy Award for Most Insane Wrestler of 2015

Know why he won that? Because he was the most insane wrestler of 2015. Sometimes this wrestling shit is really simple.

Wolfgang vs Noam Dar 

This yin had all sorts of nostalgia for me. Of ICWs 100 shows I’ve been to I’d say at least 60, probably closer to 70. The first of those happened in the very same building the 100th one was held in. Super Smokin Thunderbowl in 2012, and the very first match that night was Wolfgang vs Noam Dar. Its probably mostly due to how talented they both are, but I think a tiny wee part of the reason I have an eternal soft spot (steady) for them both is that discovering Scottish Wrestling and ICW changed my life for the better and they were the first cunts I seen. Then Wolfgang and Devitt produced magic in the main event of the next show and that was it. Hooked on this shit. Away aff on an irrelevant tangent there eh. Eh…..back to more pertinent matters. The wrestling happening now. In the present day.

They ended the early cagey exchanges with a handshake. Mutual respect as fuck, only for Wolfy to break my heart and turn it into an armbar. It was too good to be true. Wolfy was mean as fuck throughout actually. At one point he has such a strong grip on Noam, a bit of tape came aff his finger. I mean, c’mon Wolfy mate. Nae need. This is a happy affair. We’re getting bawdeep in Nostalgia. Noam compromised Wolfie’s vertical base by kicking him when he was climbing the ropes a few times. The innovator of violence towards peoples legs. Thats yer new nickname Noam mate. Catchy eh? Wait…widdye mean naw? I thought we wis buddies man. After a lovely wee match,the big bad Wolf decided he’d had just about enough of this shite. The brass knux were on and the lights were going oot, but Noam craftily avoided the first attempt to knock him clean out and even had the X-Wing/Kneebar locked in for fuckin ages, sending Wolfy close to the indignity of tapping out, but the big man simply re-affixed his brass knuckles, knocked Noam out while still mid submission hold, and rolled over with their legs still aw tangled up to pin poor Noam. Poor deid Noam.

Joe Coffey wins the Bammy For Male Wrestler Of The Year

Maybe it was fuelled by me realising I was missing my last bus when he started this promo/acceptance speech but at the time it felt misplaced. Joe Coffey came out of the 2016 Square Go looking like a complete and utter unit, outlasting 28 of the 29 other competitors in the most talent heavy Square Go to date. It seemed like maybe not the best time for him to be having a big rant on a show that had already seen so much, but I think the thing we need to remember about these Garage shows is that a lot is done with the intention of having plenty of variety when the show goes On Demand and the promo came across brilliantly when I wasn’t heavy knackered and bemoaning having to shell out 15 quid on a taxi instead of cashin in my money in the bank bus ticket (I had an all-dayer) Joe has never been shite on the mic, always impassioned and easy to buy into, but for me in terms of content and the way he delivered it, this was probably his best yet. He seemed like a guy who is no longer willing to wait for the opportunities to come his way. Best wrestler two years in a row? That has to translate into belts. Main events. T-shirts. Ice cream bars. Aw that CM Punk shit minus the disillusion and staph infections. He even hinted at doing a CM Punk and taking some time off and while it would probably do his body a lot of good, it wouldn’t help his mind, because the obsession with pro wrestling never stops and won’t even let up a wee bit until he reaches his goals. Mightily.

Chris Renfrew (c) vs Mikey Whiplash  (ICW World Heavyweight Title Match)

Any title reign that officially begins with a toe-to-toe forearm war is a title reign I can get behind. Renfrew as ICW Champion will put to bed any murmurs that ICW are willing to conform to get to the next level. Why conform and produce something more of the general public are comfortable with, when you can knock fuck out cunts instead? If there’s one thing I’ve learned from attending a fair chunk of ICWs 100 shows, its that watching two folk batter each other is a lot of fun. Would recommend to a pal/a dug/ma pals dug.

A run of the mill chair for (probably uncomfortable) sitting got wrecked early on. First Renfrew sending Whiplash jaw first  into it with a drop toehold only for Whiplash to hit back by scudding Renfrew with it a lot. Whiplash then pulled out a very not run off the mill chair, that you definitely shouldn’t consider sitting on due to it being covered in barbed wire, but Renfrew sprung up and hit the Stoner to prevent a set or circumstances arising where he has to get barbed wire surgically removed fae his temple. It was merely delaying the inevitable though, as Renfrew was eventually sent temple first right into that very same chair which he had sit up himself in the corner, immediately followed by a Death Valley Driver through a table for a 2 count. A fuckin 2 count. If that type of punishment is only keeping him down for 2, know what ye need for 3? A flame thrower. Dunno if winning belts is quite as satisfying if you win them from a pile of ashes right enough.

No flame thrower was produced, instead it was a wee fishbowl full of tacks and Renfrew landed right on them after taking the Rainmaker Clothesline. Because taking that clothesline isnae sare enough, needs to be offset with the recipient landing on hunners of wee jaggy things. Next up was a barbed wire board and aw fuck. Somedy’s gonnae bleed out here eh. Renfrew already had blood gushing out his dome. This does not bode well. A rolling senton managed to embed the last 2 or 3 hundred tacks in Renfrews back but with every exceedingly sare looking bump he seemed to get more powerful and even encourage Whiplash to put the gun to his head and shoot. That’s what it really needs. If you want the ICW title, stick a bullet in my brain, otherwise you’re wasting your time.

renfmikey

Mind that barbed wire board? It no longer exists as its own thing, cause Renfrew dropkicked Whiplash into it and it is now permanently embedded in his back. Finally the momentum was with the champ and he wasn’t letting it go. Setting another table up before taking Whiplash up top and smacking him with a forearm that sent a mist of thumbtacks into the air. That was followed by the T-Virus off the top rope through the table gave Renfrew a successfully first defence of his ICW Title. Well as successful as any endeavour that leaves ye picking thumbtacks out yer baws can be, but he won the match. 

Overall ICWs 100th show had plenty of variety. Funny bits and thumbtacks. Good wrestling and good impressions of really tall guys. To sum it up, it was very wrestling. We give it a solid 13 snapmares out of 15.3 snapmares. If you enjoyed this shorter form review hit up the comments and be lit that “this was ok” as I will most likely review a lot more shows this year with a bit less words involved. 

Thank you to Warrior Fight Photography for the photo. Only used one this time but its a beeeeeezer.

 

 

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