Everything’s bigger in Texas they say. Including levels of disappointment in significant events.
Its been a while since we had a properly terrible Wrestlemania and I don’t think this one will be irreparably bad, but on the surface it’s…..well. A bit underwhelming. Or “shite” if you prefer.
The card is happening. Here are words about it.
The Dudley Boyz vs The Usos (PRESHOW)
If anyone can provide me with any reason as to why this isn’t a filler match to be slotted in somewhere forgettable during the first hour of RAW, feel free to hit me with it. Otherwise I don’t get it. Even with it being pre-show, that’s still a Wrestlemania match that will be seen by a large audience and that’s just….puzzling. Its ok to admit bringing The Dudleys back didn’t work. It really is. We won’t judge you for it. That nostalgia money is easy made, and even easier spent on a few good hookers or A LOT of lazy eyed ones. The Usos used to be my guys and I truly and honestly wish they were more interesting but they just aren’t. Them turning heel and aligning themselves with a heel Roman Reigns would be pretty neat, but we aren’t fantasy booking here guys. This match will happen and someone will win.
PREDICTION – USOS WIN VIA COUNTOUT AFTER BUBBA LEAVES THE MATCH TO GO GET A HOT DOG TO DIP INTO THE BUCKET OF MELTED CHEESE HE BROUGHT TO THE RING. ITS WRESTLEMANIA BRO. KEEP THAT CHEESE IN THE BACK FOR CONSUMPTION AT A MORE CONVENIENT TIME.
The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal – (PRESHOW)
Who would have thunk it? This has become a mere token gesture to give as many people a Wrestlemania shift as possible!?!?! I honestly thought this would become a properly prestigious thing, maybe even main event status one day such is its importance above all other titles or petty squabbles, I mean its a battle royal, and…..nah I can’t keep doing that. Who fuckin cares. And why is Zack Ryder in the ladder match when he could have been neatly tucked away here?
PREDICTION – KARL ANDERSON EMERGES FROM THE BIG SHOWS CHEST TO WIN IT BY LAST ELIMINATING THE BIG SHOWS NOW HOLLOW BODY, BEFORE REVEALING HE HAS LIVED IN THE BIG SHOWS CHEST CAVITY FOR HIS ENTIRE LIFE.
Kalisto vs Ryback – (US Title Match)
Ryback must have some dirt on someone important eh. How else he got a second one-on-one Wrestlemania match I don’t know. Serious Ryback is just not good. Its like when Jim Carrey does a serious film and you pretend its good but deep down you wan’t him to go back to being silly. Aye, this is exactly the same as that. There are literally no differences between Jim Carrey and Ryback the boulder heided wrestler. Fair play to Kalisto though, when WWE needed a dude to sell masks to children, he stepped up and he’s fun to watch. I hope this comes out of nowhere and shocks us all with how decent it is but I have no doubt it’ll be just as underwhelming as we’re all expecting.
PREDICTION – RYBACK LOSES BY DQ BECAUSE HE EATS HIS OWN GEAR AND INDECENT EXPOSURE IS AN INSTANT DQ. EVERY TIME. YOU’RE OUTTA HERE BUDDY.
Kevin Owens vs Sami Zayn vs Dolph Ziggler vs The Miz vs Sin Cara vs Stardust vs Zack Ryder vs Koko B.Ware vs Billy Gunn vs The Road Dogg vs Afa vs Sika vs Samoa Joe vs Kermit The Dog vs Christopher vs Daniel Bryan (Multi-Mega-Man Intercontinental Title Match)
Some big spots. Owens and Zayn going at it and us all going “oooooh, maybe one day we’ll get the singles match” More big spots. Zack Ryder gets really close to winning. Some messy stuff. Some Sunny D. It’ll be the usual multi-guy ladder thing except this year it has Sin Cara and Zack Ryder in it and neither of them are very good. Neither of them are terrible, but the chances they add something of significance to this are quite low. The chances of Sin Cara bursting his ankle in some tripping over his laces based catastrophe are quite high. I think Owens will retain because the fact that The Miz is pretty much the only other participant deserving of the title says it all about his counterparts. Or maybe Dolph Ziggler will finally get that Wrestlemania moment eh. And maybe he’ll celebrate by jumping on the back of a flying pig and being whisked off to Hogwarts for a wee holiday.
PREDICTION – OWENS RETAINS BY SOMEHOW MAKING SAMI ZAYN REMEMBER HE’S ACTUALLY A TRANSFORMER AND HAVING HIM TRANSFORM INTO A PAIR OF LADDERS BEFORE CLIMBING THOSE LADDERS AND RETAINING HIS SHINY BELT AT KOMANIA WHICH IS THE REAL NAME OF THIS EVENT.
The New Day vs The League Of Nations
This one is just plain odd. If New Day are still going with trying to be annoying while people cheer them, why are they feuding with pointless heels? Nae offence to the members of The League Of Nations like. I enjoy them all (apart from Sheamus, cause fuck Sheamus) but the stable is braindeath, to be filed under the “do it for the fuck of it” category of wrestling decisions. What’s also odd is that the tag titles are not on the line in any way, mainly so everyone involved gets to wrestle and defending two tag belts in a 4 on 3 match makes nae fucking sense whatsoever, but still. None of this does, and not having the tag titles defended on the show is an odd one. I hope its good but fuck knows how its going to be.
PREDICTION – THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS ARE SERVED A SUBPOENA BY THE UNITED NATIONS AND NATION OF DOMINATION AT THE SAME TIME. THIS IS WHATS KNOWN IN LEGAL TERMS AS A “OH FUCK, THATS A LOT OF PEOPLE SERVING THIS SUBPOENA, I HOPE NONE OF THEM LEATHER ME”. NEW DAY WIN THANKS TO REFEREE STOPPAGE DUE TO EXCESS SUBPOENA SERVERS
Shane McMahon vs The Undertaker – (So Many Stipulations, I can’t be arsed, you know them all. Its in a big cage)
Here comes the monaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Mind when he first came back and we all peed a bit? It wore off. The pee dried in. It feels desperate now. While I’m not saying it would be impossible it would take an incredibly well crafted story and a fair bit of luck to make this match live up to its expectations. I really hope Shane still has it, but who could blame him if he doesn’t? He has a family, success outwith WWE and really doesn’t need to be good at this shit anymore. Taker has been past his best for a while and in truth its maybe in his best interests that he’s not in there with someone who has been wrestling full-time but if Taker can’t keep up anymore, what’s the point in continuing to reel him out on a yearly basis? The streak is long gone so that opens up the possibility of Shane somehow conspiring to win this. Perhaps with interference from Karl Anderson emerging from The Big Shows chest (sorry I’m obsessed with this now) or the whole Bullet Club dressing as The Mean Street Posse and backing Shane up by taking all sorts of bumps while Shane gathers up his energies to hit a flying elbow from a helicopter.
PREDICTION – THE WHOLE ROSTER BURY TAKER IN SAND AND SHANE IS DECLARED THE WINNER AS HIS OPPONENT IS TOO COVERED IN SAND TO CONTINUE. SHANE THEN GOES ON TO RUN MONDAY NIGHT RAW FOR 20 SUCCESSFUL YEARS BEFORE HANDING IT OVER TO HIS SON. A REAL FEEL GOOD STORY FOR ALL THE FAMILY TO ENJOY
Charlotte vs Sasha Banks vs Becky Lynch – (Divas Title Match)
I don’t know if WWE have deliberately made the Mania card dodgy to highlight how un-dodgy this is, but this should be great. Please for the love of fuck give it a lot of time and don’t have it on second last. Nae offence to Becky at all, but I’ve never been hugely into Triple Threat matches and would personally have preferred it to be Charlotte vs Sasha but they’re all fucking talented as fuck and this will be fucking excellent. Sorry for aw that swearin. Its Mania season. We’re all getting a bit too emotional. Sasha Banks oozes class in everything she does and really needs to be carrying that belt. Despite not really getting a huge push when she was first called up, she’s established herself as one of the main reasons. Naw fuck it…one of the ONLY reasons to tune in to RAW every week and if that’s not a level of performance deserving of a shiny belt I don’t know what is. Charlotte dropping it will hopefully mean dropping Ric anaw. Nae offence Naitch even if Charlotte is going to continue with the heel thing, she can do it without her Da. She’s unlikable enough all on her own.
PREDICTION – SASHA BANKS WINS. NO JOKES HERE. BOSSES DON’T DO COMEDY.
NOT ANNOUNCED YET SO BOLD PREDICTION TIME – AJ STYLES VS CHRIS JERICHO
Would be really weird if they don’t make this match. Imagine all this shite between them had been for absolutely nothing because Jericho had accidentally booked a Fozzy gig for the same night. So the bold AJ, the blue chip free agent who never even stopped in NXT for a cup of hot chocolate and a Blue Riband isn’t on the Mania card because Jericho’s away in Sweden playing average tunes to overly excited wrestling fans, before they realise they’re missing Mania and all leave at the same time.
PREDICTION – THIS MATCH WILL HAPPEN AND OH BOY. LET ME TELL YOU. WHAT A SHOCK YOU’LL GET WHEN THEY ANNOUNCE IT ON RAW THIS EVENING. YOU’LL BE SITTING THERE LIKE “I HAVE BEEN ROCKED ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY SOCKS” AND I WILL KNOWINGLY NOD AND SAY “TOLD YOU SO”
Brock Lesnar vs Dean Ambrose
Along with the Women’s Triple Threat, this is the only other thing that feels like it belongs at the top end of a Wrestlemania card. Brock Lesnar is the most legit wrestler on planet earth and anyone who wrestles him has the opportunity to put themselves on that same pedestal. If Dean Ambrose performs to the level we know him to be capable of and dances around the physically imposing beast long enough to delay the inevitable 15 German Suplexes, he’s done a decent job. If Ambrose manages to establish himself as a threat in amongst the kicking he will unquestionably be taking? It could make him for life. If he somehow emerges from this with a WIN over Brock? Forget it. The kingdom is his. Shane McMahon’s winning control of RAW and the captain of his ship is going to be a lunatic who’s regained his edge. Or maybe Brock will squash this skinny wee twerp in 15 seconds before claiming his corpse and using it as bear bait for his next hunting trip. I hope its the first thing though. If Ambrose needs a template as to how he should go about the match, he should watch Lesnar vs CM Punk from Summerslam 2013 on repeat until his eyes bleed.
PREDICTION – BROCK LESNAR F5’S AMBROSE THROUGH THE WINDSHEILD OF A JEEP HE HAD PREVIOUSLY CARRIED IN TO THE ARENA. NOT DRIVEN…CARRIED. WITH HIS ARMS. AMBROSE HOTWIRES THE JEEP, RUNS BROCK OVER AND PINS HIM FOR A 3 COUNT. IN FACT, FOR ANY COUNT HE WANTS REALLY. BEING HIT WITH A JEEP IS USUALLY A FINE WAY TO END UP DEAD AND DEAD PEOPLE CAN’T KICK OUT.
Triple H (c) vs Roman Reigns (WWE World Heavyweight Title Match)
Everything is fine! The fans were totally supposed to boo Roman Reigns returning to deliver a vicious beatdown to his oppressive overlord/boss/guy who stole his title. Triple H was totally supposed to be cheered when he put Reigns on the shelf in the first place! This is all going to be fine. Roman will win, the fans will go nuts, we’ll have streamers and confetti and he’ll bring his daughter in to the ring to celebrate and it’ll all be just lovely. The fans don’t want it. Its that simple. Even with Roman proving he could hang with Brock fuckin Lesnar last year before Rollins stole it, they still don’t think he deserves this. Even if the match tells a great story with Roman prevailing, there will still be boo’s. The only thing for it is turning the big man heel, or turning Triple H into someone they hate even more than Reigns. If they could somehow take the heat Batista got for winning the 2014 Royal Rumble and transfer it into a person and have that person defend the WWE Title against Reigns, then maybe people would wan’t to see him win. Otherwise they’re going to fucking BOOOOOOOO and no amount of last minute giving the belt to the guy they all love can save it this time. I hope it doesn’t pan out that way for Reigns because he really doesn’t deserve it, but it probably will and there’s fuck all we can do about it other than somehow contacting everyone due to attend Mania and cordially invite them no to be a pure dick.
PREDICTION – TRIPLE H RETAINS CLEAN. ROMAN REIGNS CHEST CAVITY OPENS UP TO REVEAL KARL ANDERSON. WHO MAKES FUN OF TRIPLE H’S LARGE NOSE WHILE HE LIES ON THE CANVAS, HAVING FAINTED FROM SEEING KARL ANDERSON EMERGE FROM ROMAN REIGNS CHEST CAVITY. I DONT KNOW WHAT THIS PATTER MEANS, AM I SAYING ANDERSON IS AN ALIEN? WHO THE FUCK CARES AT THIS POINT. REALLY. ROMAN REIGNS WILL PROBABLY WIN. MAYBE HE’LL TURN HEEL BY DENOUNCING THE SAMOAN DROP AS A MOVE THEREFORE PISHING ALL OVER HIS HERITAGE, AND HIS ANCESTORS. YOU SHOULDN’T PISS ON HOSPITALITY ROMAN!
Basically Wrestlemania will be a 4 hour wrestling show that might exceed expectations, but it also might do the other thing. If its really bad, I suggest trying heroin before, during and after the experience to make it seem less awful. Is becoming addicted to heroin worth it? Well the simple answer to that is yes. The complicated one is also yes. But yes with “indeed” added at the end. Thus providing a complication.