Brock Lesnar was born a sword. See that sword tattoo in the middle of his chest? That was his original form. A sword made from shavings taken from the kneecaps of a giant, mixed in with one of Lou Ferrigno’s front teeth, sharpened by god himself. God was going to hand this almighty blade to any warrior who proved worthy of it, but one day when he was lounging in his study, thumbing through the yellow pages looking for mechanics to pranky, he looked at the sword and seen that a human form had started to grow around it. It became a sentient being, destined to spend the duration of its dwelling here amongst mere mortals chuckin them about like empty suitcases. That was when god himself stepped aside and declared Brock Lesnar to be the king of the world.
Before we proceed, just to clarify, I’m not some Brock Lesnar lifetime fanboy. Truth be told most of the stuff I’ve seen from his first WWE run came via the WWE Network years after it happened, and when he came back I resented him for being a part timer at a time where WWE really needed a full-time superstar but back then I didn’t get it. The picture hadn’t become clear. Its like when you meet a gorgeous new philly at the club, beauty the likes of which you’ve never seen before, so you stare glaikitly at her, salivating uncontrollably, and mentally matching her with pornstars who look a wee bit like her so you can ferociously spank it later on and imagine you pumped her. The thought of actually talking to the philly in question, and forming a real life bond is too much to comprehend. The same thing happened with Brock, I didn’t know what made him so good, then it clicked. It made sense, and it made sense because John Cena made it so.
Because wrestling Triple H is not getting the job done. I like Triple H, but he’s not the guy to get a new audience giving a fuck about the absolute human wrecking machine you have at your disposal. Does anyone think back on the 3 matches they had and remember them like they mattered a fuck? Nah. Not really. Two of them were excellent don’t get me wrong, but did they create lifetime memories? Did they fuck. Because in a fair fight, Brock would leather the beak intae next week. In a straight up scrap, Brock would throw him for miles and be there to catch the cunt when he eventually landed to suplex him again. His first match back against John Cena wasn’t all that brilliant either, but then he done something unheard of and that’s when it all fell into place. That thing wasn’t ending the streak (that was very significant like, but we’ll get to that, patience) that thing was turned superman into a burstman. That thing was smashin fuck out the face that runs the place. That thing was eviscerating John Cena.
No one does that. They just don’t. No one has ever dominated John Cena like Brock Lesnar did at Summerslam 2014 and they never will again because no one else is worthy. Say what you like about Cena, continue to say he buries folk and ruins the product or whatever tired 2004 patter you can be bothered spitting out but if you’ve been paying attention over the past 6 or 7 years you’ll know he’s consistently one of the main reasons to bother your arse with WWE programming and he was the champion at that time. He was the guy, and Brock Lesnar suplexed his vital organs out. He was the figurehead, and Brock Lesnar set about removing his head. He was and continues to be synonymous with the WWE brand, and it was like Brock Lesnar whipped his probably granite enforced boaby out and pished all over that brand when he battered fuck out its main guy. Call it over simplification, call it just plain shite, but for me that match and that match alone is the reason Brock Lesnar is the biggest draw in wrestling, and one of the biggest ones in mma right now. Because he was allowed to make a character who’s been built on looking extraordinary and almost superhuman look average. Average and downtrodden. All of his own illusions about how good he is shattered. The pedestal he sat upon kicked out from underneath him. Shoulderblades rid raw from landing on them SIXTEEN TIMES. Suplex after suplex. The neverending story of John Cena’s slow, endless death.
Beating the streak is seen as the thing that elevated Brock to his current status as world renowned human thrower but for me it simply provided the assist. No one expected Brock Lesnar to beat The Undertaker because fans of pro wrestling know too much now. In the case of The Undertaker’s streak, they knew how financially signficant Taker having a streak to defend every year was to them. The level of interest in his matches when the streak was still going made them the focal point almost every year and no matter where his match was on the card, it was seen at the main event from Mania 25 to 30, and a few times before that too. It mattered too much for WWE to ever allow it to end in many peoples eyes, and if it ever did it would be a career ending monumental moment that elevated a new talent to another level, but what they pulled off instead was a bit of a masterstroke. They put him in there with a guy who you definitely believed could win. At any other event in any other circumstance he’d probably be favourite to win in truth. But with the Wrestlemania air of invincibility in place, no one expected Brock to do it. Then they got reminded. Brock Lesnar is not normal. Brock Lesnar isn’t wrestling royalty who’s losses to Taker add to the rich story “The Streak” is in its own right. Brock Lesnar isn’t the show stopper, Mr Wrestlemania, born entertainer. Brock Lesnar isn’t the legendary 16 time world champion, wheelin dealin, kiss stealin prennial auld steamin legend. Brock Lesnar losing to The Undertaker would have just been another number, but Brock Lesnar beating the streak changed everything.
The match itself was unfortunately not very good. There theories as to why that was, Taker taking a sare yin early and it affecting him throughout the match (the theory floating about at the time is that they changed the finish to Brock winning because Taker couldn’t physically perform to a level that would make his win convincing which is just so beautifully stupid I can barely handle it 2 and a half years later) but whatever the reason, the underwhelming, methodically paced spectacle it was as a match detracted from it slightly and for me makes Brock’s demolition of Cena more significant in terms of making Brock look indestructible, but beating Taker and creating a piece of wrestling history secured Brock as a legend and made everything he done from that point on carry a bit more weight. His subsequent matches with Taker were much better to watch, and solidified him as a bonafide legend killer. For real this time, not a gimmick given to the worlds shiniest man. Who ironically is supposed to be the next in line for Brock to maul in WWE. Randy Orton is another guy who definitely gets more stick that he’s earned for his role as one of the top guys over the past 10+ years and will no doubt carve out something decent with Brock, but you’d be utterly astounded if Brock Lesnar was to lose to Orton in any way shape or form. Even if Brock pulled out a hunting knife, cut Orton’s nose off with it, and shoved it up his own arse, it would take a brave ref to DQ him.
We all know he’s a wrecking machine, but he’s a smarter man than he’s ever given credit for as well. His main strength is his fucking strength. Plain and simple. He can throw people like they aren’t people, which makes me wonder what happens when he throws things you’re actually supposed to throw. Like is he banned from playing basketball because every shot he takes completely dismantles the basket? How many dart boards have met their untimely demise because of the beast incarnite? But do you know what his weaknesses are? Of course you don’t. You aren’t allowed to. Do we even know if he’s bad on the mic? The fleeting glimpses we get of him saying words always seems to be deadpan and hilarious, but for the majority of the time where he requires his message to involve the utilisation of language he has the best talker in the history of wrestling to do that for him. He’s not one of the many Paul Heyman guys, he’s THE Paul Heyman guy. He’s the only guy who can live up the hype that man can create with simple sentences. He’s the only guy that can deliver performances up there with the expert delivery Heyman uses to hype those matches up. Everything feels like it matters and as long as Paul Heyman exists, Brock Lesnar will be the biggest draw in WWE for as long as he wants to be.
UFC president Dana White referred to wrestling as “fake shit” around a year or so ago in response to a comment about his PPV being 40 dollars and the WWE Network being available for 9.99. Dana White is entitled to his opinion. Dana White is an intelligent guy and must have known the comments would have sparked a bit of backlash from those who hold pro wrestling dear. The word “fake” just isn’t one that’s ever met with any kind of enthusiasm when a pro wrestling fan hears it used in reference to the thing they sink a lot of their time into caring about. No one wants to believe the thing they hold dear is seen as something of a joke to those who don’t understand it. It sparked many people defending pro wrestling and the physical toll it takes on the people who do it for a living. The risks involved in it. They needn’t have bothered though. When Brock Lesnar was announced to be on the card for UFC 200 against one of the most dangerous heavyweights they have, Australian one punch knockout artist Mart Hunt, they had their defence.
That was the opportunity for pro wrestling to stand up for itself. Even if he doesn’t love pro wrestling as much as many of the people who follow and are involved in it, Brock Lesnar was its designated defender at UFC 200. Brock Lesnar stood up for every bit of blood spilled in a pro wrestling ring. He stood up for every broken bone, every concussion, every bump and every bruise ever sustained. He stood up for the up and coming talents trying to make it in an unforgiving business, and he stood up for the broken men who gave up the best part of their lives to be continually beat up in the name of “fake shit” and when he stood opposite Mark Hunt, he stood opposite an animal. A guy that would have knocked oor Brock spark out if he gave him even a passing glance at his chin, and do you know what happened? Brock Lesnar flung that big bruiser about like wet washin. He made him look like a chubby Da who was almost late for the fight because his shift as a bouncer at the casino next door ran later than usual cause someone was caught counting cards and he had to escort them out by the armpits. He made nullified his main threat and took a lot of stick for doing so, almost like a lot of people actually WANTED him to leave his chin open, get embarrassed and knocked clean out. He took all the notoriety and name value he earned from that “fake shit” and made the “real”shit look easy. Its not easy of course. But it is when you’re Brock Lesnar. The undisputed king of the world.