Lockdown Breakdown Pt 2 (Or the last ever EVER article on Snapnexx dot com
Apparently I’m not done talking.
If you know me at all, you’ll know that for the past 6 weeks. I’ve not stopped talking.
Even when the pills left, I was still talking a lot
Even when the booze left, I was still talking a lot
Even when all those things stopped interacting. I was still talking too much. Less. But too much
Oversharing constantly because I was so used to being to spill my thoughts and feelings at will with mr mrs. Then in one day I blew apart all my close relationships bar one and honestly. I don’t have a fuckin clue how that poor lassie has put up with me. I think if I didnt show improvement pretty quick she would have been done as well. She was fuming and in an 8 year friendship had never quite seen this rotten wee side of me.
She kept the faith cause I hadn’t directly hurt her and I will never get over that. I earned that with her. Took me a while to accept that I had earned that but it was the start of me getting on a path to believing im not the worst cunt on planet earth.
When you aren’t what I’d regard as a “fuck up” its real hard to accept even a brief flirtation with that. But i was. I was a fuckup and I fucked up and now I need to shut the fuck up but a few more paragraphs of shame first
Bipolar disorder is very……I’ve know I have since I was about 16 in all honesty. I haven’t slept consistently without drugs since then. When I’m as sober as I am all the fuckin time now. This is what I remember it being like. 3 or 4 days of good sleep sometimes, followed by 5 or 6 with 3 hours a night, then a big sleep and so on and so forth. The only pattern you’ll see there is “erratic as fuck”
Weirdly its the only part left of me that is that erratic. I’m in a lot of pain emotionally. But I’m channelling around 80% of it creatively. I’ve written a book and know what mate, no one will ever hear it but I’ve written and performed music. About 10 songs. If anything is given me some sort of hope that I could write lyrics for others even if doing music isn’t my personal thing. I love hip-hop and I love wordsmith’s who unashamedly damage people with linguistics.
“Bipolar but im focussed in both minds” – Shogun
That’s a big part of the healing process. Allowing others being creative as fuck to stimulate you. Mauro Ranallo calls his bipolar disorder a superpower because the level of sheer obsession he had with his craft was unhealthy but it made him outstanding. It made him a source of impassioned knowledge in a business full of absolute wrong uns, idiots and creeps. I can relate to that in a sense that Mauro just wants to go, do his job, and be on his own after. When your bipolar and on a major comedown, all other people can do is get you into trouble.
I’m rambling but im writing this with a breeze hitting my big stupit forehead outside Drumry station. I write everywhere now. Its a way of leaving wee pieces of myself all over Glesga and when I’m ready I’ll go back to these places and pick up all these wee broken pieces and make some kind of mad mental jigsaw out of them. For now? They can stay where they are
I didn’t want to talk about the assault. I still don’t as I realise how triggering that can be. Its not for a public forum anyway but a lot of my worst actions were indications that I was gonnae be a cheating bastard and well. I physically cant do that anyway. I couldnt even do with my partner of nearly 6 years right now. I can barely look at the fucking thing if im honest. Boggin.
I was a liar. I am a fuckin arrogant wanker when I’m proper manic. Its subtle but day on day if its really fuckin bad I lose sight of myself and just fuckin lie. I’ve done it since I was 15 stealing my Da’s painkillers cause I knew something was wrong with me and they helped but I had no idea what. I’ve lied about stealing pills for years because its the only thing I’ve ever stole from anyone who matters. (stole a few hearts in ma time but eh?!)
When yer manic. It all stops mattering. Consequences dont exist. Its only the truth baby. Truth or consequences? Or is it both. Its usually both eh. One comes with the other.
I’m no a liar anymore. I don’t want to be ever again. There are various stages you can stop this behaviour before it gets really out of control. I saw all the signs and ignored them. Got to be strong Marty boy. She needs ye. Yer auld man needs ye. Yer maws holding the whole team up somehow. Help them all. Be stronger you fuckin weak cunt.
But my shoulders buckled. And I left.
I made things worse but I hope keeping physical distance will count in my favour soon.
See to be honest mate. If you had a lassie like I did for 5 and a half year. Try no emailing her 500 times a day saying sorry.
I’ve stopped now. They all know I’m sorry.
I’m really. Really. Sorry.
But I’m me again. A better me than I was. I’ll be a me with a gaff, a me with new close pals, a me with a job and an active pursuit in making writing my job.
I will achieve all these things. Alone.
Then I’m open to whatever comes. I hope its a nice gaff party in a few weeks time and inviting people I miss a fuckin lot. Wid obv be up tae them but a date, time and place would exist and if I see some familar faces. Great.
Thanks for enjoying the content over the years. xx
Martin John Smith (im gaun full name as ma author name) signing the fuck off. Hopefully to sleep for 40 hours but I somehow doubt it mate