The Bipolar Diaries – Part One – Mans first mania

Now I’m almost out of the manic cycle I was in I am able to make sense of a lot of things I never could before. If I’m honest with myself I first read up on bipolar disorder when I was around 19-20 and fuckin. Shat myself. It was too familiar. Always assumed people with bipolar were locked up and that assumption seems fairer now when we’re not even 3 months away from a time where I absolutely should have been. I lost my shit mate. Some people thought I was bonkers. But I just thought I was free.

Anyway this is not going to be another long and arduous thing about how shite my life’s been lately. I’m sure that’s been covered adequately. This is more about how scary serious mental illnesses are.

article I wrote about Mauro Ranallo where I fully realised I suffer from the same illness

In the space of three months I went from a sad man with some stability to a lunatic living in a homeless unit. I still live in a homeless unit like but the lunatic side is long gone. Same guy I always was just a bit lighter and now less hairy. Getting off topic again here guys. Bipolar disorder aye. It is genuinely as if there’s two brains. One deals with logic and little else. For 99% of my existence that brain has won. I avoided anything that didnt make sense to me and over the years that’s led me to avoid far too much. The other brain is where the creativity lives. The reckless streak. The pain. That brain is active all the time but working at maybe 15% capacity mostly. Enough to keep ye interesting. 

When mania hits I’d say that side goes from working at 15% capacity to fuckin full steam ahead 110% madness. It sneaks up on you too. Thinking it’s under control to an extent and a week later you’re literally sleeping in a wrestling school because no one will have you and you’ve shoved everyone close to you away so forcefully they’re floating doon the Clyde on a wee dingy boat wondering what the fuck happened.

Anyway the first time I was manic that I can recall was when I was about 18-19. I was gambling online anyway. Nae job. Chasing a wee thrill and thinking if I got the right accumulator up I widnae need a job. Gambling habit quickly became gambling addiction. Lies and lies about it. Where did yer money go this week Martin? 

Spent it mate. Next question. Don’t ask why yer wee change dish is lighter either. The dug ate all yer 50 pences.

Never had a fuckin scooby this was the first manic spell until I’ve thought back. I also briefly tried online dating during this spell when I was 18 and by that I mean I had PlentyOfFish for one week. Messaged one lassie a shite joke and immediately closed the account cause she patched it. I’ve always been really good at knowing when burds like me. You could call it my superpower (but you definitely shouldn’t). Took about 5 year after that to try again cause my man. I was a bit too busy being sad all the time to be mackin hoes.

Point is. I recognised then something was badly wrong with me. If I had got the right help I might not be where I am today but all these wee hardships have shaped me in to a better man. A man who’s starting to believe he’s decent after so many years of just not seeing it. At all. I never saw what anyone saw in me. Even my partner of nearly 6 years. I assumed every passing year was a fluke. She’ll see one day yer fuck all mate. The beard masks the misery that is your withered coupon. Might as well blow it apart. How could anyone stay with a person who is. Well. You. 

There have been maybe 6 manic periods in my life in the last 13 or so years and I do learn from each one. I also don’t mind that ratio considering I’d only had one very mild manic episode in 6 year before this lockdown induced pull ridden madness took over. The first one taught me gambling is a serious issue for me and I should not do that if I want to stay mentally healthy. It taught me that I hate lying to loved ones yet I will continue to do it when I’m manic. When I did have a burd during the most recent manic spell I tried to counteract this need to lie by telling every truth that popped into my head. Yet I was still fuckin lying at the same time. Honestly it’s like two brains wae boxing gloves on steady boxing each other. Fuckin rotten

Mania is essentially arrogance mixed with bravado mixed with constant soul sucking guilt. All of these things create an adrenaline bubble that carries you, yer wee heid and yer wee tired body all the way to the fucking moon. 

Doing this shit pill free right now. It’s a laugh. If by ‘a laugh’ you really mean ‘throw several busses on top of me and jump up and down on them till I’m flatter than the hoose bitter’

Despite the difficulties I’m genuinely doing as well as i possibly can be at the moment. For every day day there’s 5 good ones. I know how to cope with this better than I ever did and writing this stuff down is important. It’s a form of therapy for me that I ignored for too long

This will be part of a wee bipolar series btw. I have other manic spells I can remember and wee other bits and pieces. Cheers. God bless x

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