ICW Shugs House Party 3 Preview

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On the 4th of November 2012, ICW hosted Fear and Loathing 5 in The Classic Grand. At that time I still didn’t know a huge amount about the company but I’d already seen Stevie Boy jumping off a balcony, Big Damo (medium-sized Damo at that time) run a cheese grater over Jimmy Havoc’s heid, and the debut of Fergal Devitt in ICW, up against Wolfgang in a match that completely changed the way I saw wrestling as an adult, so I knew I was interested in whatever the fuck this mental shit was. The main event that night was supposed to be a fatal 4 way between the former members of a stable known as The Gold Label for Red Lightning’s ICW Title, but a personal issue meant James Scott was unable to compete in the match. Would have been easy enough to explain the situation and still go with the triple threat eh? Maybe even more simple in terms of keeping the story about The Gold Label storyline coming full circle, but instead Mark Dallas chucked a 19 year old Noam Dar in at the deep end and the special talent we see trotting all over the globe bringing joyous Judaism to the masses didn’t disappoint. Putting in a fine performance before being eliminated first and allowing the storyline to play out in his absence. The fact that Dallas wanted him in that main event when a spot opened up, and the fact that he had been booking him since he was 16 is proof that while Noam Dar has always been an immense talent, that talent needs a platform before it really matters a fuck, and ICW gave Noam Dar a platform to grow in front of mature, at times more difficult audiences than he would ever face on family friendly shows. ICW, Mark Dallas, and Noam Dar have forever been synonymous with each other and at a time where Noam Dar’s star has never shone brighter, he has the chance, alongside his best pal and a partner yet to revealed, to write himself into ICW folklore before no doubt jetting off into the sunset to become everyone’s favourite Scottish jew at the performance centre.

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While Noam Dar was in main events for the ICW Title as far back as 2012, Joe Coffey was almost a mythical figure back then. I’d been to a few shows and heard a bit about him but was yet to see him wrestle. He was that guy over in Japan learning his craft. It was only when I eventually did see him in ICW in a match against Sean Maxer, that it became apparent why people had been talking about him even in his absence. Joe Coffey could fucking go. Between that match and where he is now, he’s went on a journey that’s seen him add various strings to an already impressive bow and on the same night Noam Dar has the chance to make his name part of ICW legend, Joe Coffey also has the opportunity of a lifetime at his feet. A match in the main event of an IPPV against one of the most heralded talents in Europe and good friend into the bargain in Big Damo for the richest prize in European Wrestling. That’s what the ICW Title is, like it or not. The audience you are exposed to as ICW Champion is bigger than any audience you might be exposed to holding anyone else’s belt in Europe, and Joe Coffey has earned this. He earned it with show making and on the odd occasion show saving performances in that ring, and there’s no doubt in my mind that even though its took a while to get there, the position Noam Dar and Joe Coffey find themselves on the eve of a huge show and ICWs first IPPV on the Fite Network is one that reflects the immense amount of talent they possess. Folk like to talk about how politics and the auld pals act allows others to have opportunities they deserve in wrestling but fuck aw that. Its shite and it always has been. If you’re good enough and you work hard enough, you’ll get to where you want to be no matter what and there’s no doubt this is where Joe Coffey and Noam Dar want to be. The main fuckin men. The boys who could be kings.

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Lionheart vs Kenny Williams (ICW Zero-G Title Match)

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When the bold Hearto won the Zero-G in April, it didn’t immediately feel like it might be a long-term thing. If you said he’d defend against Kenny a few months later at the time you’d probably reckon it was Kenny’s belt. His first run with it was excellent and he lost a lot of momentum when he dropped it to Danny Hope over a year ago now, so it would make all the sense to fire it back on him but then Lionheart fucked it for everyone by being stupidly good at being Zero-G Champion. There haven’t been many better matches in Scotland this year than Lionheart vs BT Gunn for the Zero-G Title, and Lionheart has been tremendous for months now. If you think hating him means he must be shite, yer just not getting it pal. That means he’s got you eating out the palm of the hand he lays the smack down wae, and you’re gonnae hit rock bottom when you see him retain that belt (I wish I was more sorry for that patter, but I’m sittin giggling away to myself about it so fuck ye) and the more upset you get about his success the more it fuels him to be as much of a dick as possible in plain sight. The match could sneak in the back door and steal MOTN, but regardless of its quality, I fancy Hearto to retain. The possibilities of dickishness that come with him continuing to be Zero-G Champion are endless, especially if Dallas gets back to 50/50 and has some sort of scope to fuck with him a bit. Don’t get me wrang here guys n gals, if Kenny wins it he’ll do another standup job with it but with the help of mild shenanigans I reckon Hearto will retain and oh boy, they will boo hard and they will boo long.

Predicition – Kenny Williams commandeers a milk van, drives it into the ABC and gives everyone in attendance a free pint of semi skimmed, completely transforming his gimmick from being the back to the future guy, to being the guy who makes sure your diet has sufficient calcium. Or ye knew….Lionheart retains.

Final Of The ICW Tag Title Tournament – The Local Fire vs Bird and Boar or The 55

It was a gutter when Polo Promotions announced they were done with ICW and we’re probably past the stage of asking its actually legit and not a part of some elabourate storyline involving strike action and the long awaited creation of a wrestlers union. It certainly weakens the tag division to not have talent like that involved in or indeed leading it, but you can only work with the tools at your disposal and the tag tournament up until this point has been entertaining as fuck. Moustache Mountain vs The Filthy Generation had a proper old school ICW feel to it, heavy on gid patter and even heavier on right gid wrestling, and with Joe Hendry and Davey Boy booking their place in the final in Manchester last night that leaves one spot up for grabs to be taken by either The 55 or a cuttla mad Welsh yins called Bird and Boar. With the greatest of respects paid to Bird and Boar, it would be very odd if they’re on ICWs first IPPV and an established ICW team like The 55 aren’t. Having said that, if Bird and Boar win it opens up the possibility of Sha Samuels turning face and joining his real life bestos Grado and Noam Dar in the big 6 man, and how fuckin tremendous would that be? Sha Samuels should never ever ever ever everrrrr be asked to play the good guy. Why would you ask the best villain in British Wrestling to be anything other than a bad bastard? But for one night only it would be sound and cute if the three amigos were allowed to be amigos in the wrestling instead of just cuttin about Silverburn together gien wedgies out to any wee geek that looks twice at them. Feel like we got a bit off topic there.

Prediction – The 55 win in Birmingham and in Glasgow, become 2 time champions, and volley a priest in celebration because that’s whit hard bastards dae when they win shiny belts. Unless the hard bastards are catholics, then the priests volley them. With their boabies.

DCT vs Bram (Steel Cage Match)

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When DCT took a literal whipping off Jack Jester around 2 years ago, it was all leading to this. He might as well have whipped his massive baws out, sat them down on the ring apron and went “this right here…this is whit DCT’s workin with…OH!” because he took a fuckin vicious beating and never asked for anything in return. The exposure from being in a match with the ICW Champion at that time was enough to justify getting brutally leathered and now he has a steel cage match on an IPPV against a guy fae TNA. If you’d have told DCT back then, he would have most likely believed you tbh. He’s a guy who has worked his aforementioned giant baws off, so why the fuck wouldn’t he believe you. No matter if he doesn’t even get to chuck a punch at Bram’s exceedingly jabbable face, getting here is victory in itself, but imagine the scenes if the bold yin won. Imagine the carnage if the International Sex Hero calls upon his 15 inch emergency erection and uses the fucker as a javelin pole to propel himself to the outside without even having to fight the big bastard. I mean he probably wants to get a few dunts in after the cunt piledriver’d his wife through a big cake and that, but if it can be avoided and victory is still his he probably widnae mind that much. It won’t be flippy, it won’t be a catch as catch can classic. It’ll be two guys throwing each other about a big steel box, one attempting to avenge a moustache that was cruelly taken from him and a wife with a cake shaped dent in her skull, while the perprator of those crimes doing what he loves best. Knocking fuck out of cunts and being a pure unadultarated dick about it.

Prediction – DCT wins and his tash grows back immediately after the referee’s hand slaps the mat for the 3. 

Legion vs Moustache Mountain and Lewis Girvan

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If it unfolds as yer run of the mill,major incident free 6 man tag it’ll be a cracker. That’s what tends to happen when 6 very talented wrestlers combine in 6 man action to settle such matters, but there’s nae way some kind of massive storyline shit isn’t occurring here. There’s too many variables for something big not to go down. Rumours are rife that Tommy End is heading off to pastures new, Trent cost The Sumerian Death Squad their match in the tag tournament, and while they do enjoy battering fuck out each other, there’s clearly a mutual respect between Trent and Whiplash. Whiplash accepting a handshake from Trent when he’d knocked back the offer from the likes of Damo and Joe Coffey in the weeks before says it all. If the result of it is somehow Tommy End vs Mikey Whiplash in ICW, it can’t be a bad thing, but something’s happening. I smell some kind of Trent and Whiplash alliance but maybe I’m way off base. Maybe all 6 of them will stop fighting 5 minutes in, look at each other and go “mon we’ll patch this and be best pals” and all of a sudden you’ve got a 6 man stable of killing machines. Intrigued as fuck by this no matter what happens, and even if Whiplash and Trent do somehow end up on the same side, I hope we see some mouth-watering wrestling from them that makes you openly question how both of them are still alive.

Prediction – Cody Rhodes shows up in full Stardust gear with his hands cupped, before opening them to reveal a dove. The dove starts singing “fuck yer tea….we want Coffey” while the 5 fans in attendance who get the reference nod in acknowledgement, before it flys on to Billy Kirkwoods shoulder and stays there for the remainder of the show, occasionally giving Billy a wee peck on the cheek. 

Team Dallas vs The Black Label (Team Dallas must win for Dallas to remain part of ICW and regain a 50% stake in the company)

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With people assuming the third man on Team Dallas will somehow be Renfrew, they might be forgetting the bold BT Gunn also declared himself a Mark Dallas guy the same night Renfrew did, and while it never needs any declaration, there’s also the small matter of BT Gunn being one of the finest wrestlers on planet earth, so why the fuck wouldn’t he be the third guy? I reckon now that it’ll be BT Gunn with Renfrew somehow getting involved and tipping it in Team Dallas’ favour before Dallas re-instates him on RAW the next night (PPVs on a Sunday are followed by RAW on a Monday ok, that’s how wrestling works. I really hope I don’t have to teach you this again) Folk are getting hung up on the possible outcome and that’s all well and good, but the make-up of the match could make it an absolute stoater. Noam Dar vs Drew is always outstanding. Drew vs anyone on planet earth is usually pretty nifty if we’re giving the big evil bastard his due. For me Jack Jester’s best opponent is Grado and they’ll get to lock horns at least a wee bit and Wolfgang could drag a good match out of Viscera. No even 500 pound, could barely move when he was about Viscera, Viscera as he is now. Deid. Whit I’m saying here is that Wolfgang could have a match with a large amount of dead weight and that match would still be good. That’s the joke we’re making, and now that you’ve all laughed yourselves inside out, we’ll proceed with talking about the match. Nae way The Label are winning though, even if its a storyline, I don’t think Dallas would be able to stomach being completely exiled so the fightback starts tonight. Even a team comprised of a Disney prince, a mad chainmail dildo wielding shagger and the big bad wolf wae the sexy suitcase can’t stop Noam, Grado and whoever joins them chalking one up for the good guys. Unless Red Lightning decided to cancel the whole thing, the event itself and wrestling in general. Something that still might happen if we don’t aw shut the fuck up. I don’t even mean at the show mate, I mean right now. Shut it.

Prediction – The third man on Team Dallas turns out to be Jeff Hardy and the match never airs because Brother Nero, and everything ever concerning him both past, present and future has been DELETED!

Big Damo (c) vs Joe Coffey (ICW Title Match) 

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I love Damo. Ask anycunt. Aside from his ability and obvious physicality setting him apart, he happens to be one of most genuine and nice guys plying his trade in this mad wrestling carry on and its nice to see a cunt who went from perennially flying under the radar get the rewards years of hard work were definitely due. If you have a problem with Big Damo elbowing the living shite out of anyone who tries to take his belt, that would make you very silly indeed. The rules dictate that if Damo wants to elbow everycunt on planet earth to within an inch of their life, he can. He could elbow all 1,000+ in attendance at this show into oblivion and the only people who could take issue with it are the polis and perhaps military reinforcements if he predictably demolishes the whole police force. ICW is no rules unless stated otherwise and in that circumstance, a guy who has the weight advantage over everyone else in the company would be very smart to lean all of that weight on his opponents, enabling him a free shot to pummel fuck out their skull (with elbows, no boabies) so if ye don’t like it? Fuckin lobby for a rule change or button yer lip and watch the big man smash fuck out of everyone in his path. Damo worked his baws off to get in to a position where utilising such tactics means he STAYS on top instead of seeming to be in an endless battle to get there, and there isn’t one opponent out there he’s too proud to knock the fuck out in the name of remaining the ICW World Champion. Or maybe there’s one and only one…

I do love Damo, I said it at the start there and said a lot of things to back that up so we’ve established I love the big barra, but Joe Coffey has always been my guy and this might finally be his time. It’s always been Joe’s belt, even before he knew it and for 3 years he’s been the guy having the best match on the card more consistently than anyone else. He’s been the guy constantly adapting and improving the overall product he puts out there to create the best impression of himself possible and that hard work led to some of the best feuds and even some of the best one-off matches in ICW history. The feuds with James Scott and Noam Dar produced some fine contests, while his one time only wars against Brian Kendrick and Rhyno were both standout encounters on the shows they were on. Twice in a row he’s been voted as wrestler of the year by the fans. The people who pour their hard-earned money in to this wrestling carry on believe in HIM. The mighty wrestler, the Iron Man, the guy who gets paint on everyone, whitever the fuck you want to call Joe Coffey, he has another opportunity to become ICW champion after over a year of almost haggling with Red Lightning to earn it and he might not get another one if he doesn’t prevail. He might be the one exception to the elbows. He might be the one exception to the win at all costs mentality Damo has adopted because (and I might be wrong here, but as far as im aware….) Damo’s last clean defeat in ICW was at the hands of Joe Coffey in an absorbing match Edinburgh and even putting aside the respect he has for Joe, he’ll want to avenge that properly. Above all else, he’ll want to prove he’s better than Joe and while he very well might be, it’s that professional pride that might be his downfall because it gives Joe a chance. It gives him a glimmer of hope, almost like someone briefly whipped Damo’s magnificent beard clean aff and gave Joe a clean look at his chin for one time only. If he gets a split second, he has to take that chance. He has to wind up that arm and aim high and true. If he does that, it might just happen. We might finally see Joe Coffey reach the mountain top. The ICW World Champion. The king of kings.

Prediction – Nae joke shite. I predict this will be match of the night/week/month/year/decade/century/millennium. 

Aside from all that, we have Liam Thomson revealing his true feelings for Debbie Sharpe, which will do well to top Massimo shoving a haggis pizza in his gub but god bless them for giving it a go. There’s also nae women’s title match and Stevie Boy isn’t on the card so who knows where they end up involved. Will Ospreay is about right now, so if they fired Ospreay vs Stevie on the card for shits and giggles that would be my dream, but yer man Ospreay’s injured so who the fuck knows. I reckon one match will happen that isn’t currently on the card but who participates in it is a fuckin mystery. Maybe it’ll be Juventud Guerrera against Rey Mysterio and we can aw kid on its a 1998 Nitro. Shug’s will be gid. There’s still tickets so get them off ticketmaster and go to the show. Bring a pal. Bring 5. Bring a minibus fulla badgers if ye fuckin want. Its aw happenin and you should be there to oversee the happenings.

Cheers to David J.Wilson for the lovely photos I used. 

Joe Coffey – Win Or Bust

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Photos taken by the always wonderful David J.Wilson. 

No. Its not happening. Not tomorrow, not ever. Joe Coffey must remain.

Joe Coffey was a bit of a myth when I first started going to ICW. He wasn’t there in physical form, but he was spoken about. He was the guy in Japan. The guy with the mad skills who was sent out there to be chopped to within an inch of his life in the name of character building. The lean mean suplex machine who was over there learning how to knock people’s heads off their shoulders safely. Safe decapitation, its a real thing. When he came back he was angry. Angry that his brother, who he tagged with a lot more often than they do now, wasn’t given the opportunities Joe was assured he’d have when he was gone. Angry that his own opportunities were limited to him having the match of the night tucked away somewhere in the middle of the show. That anger was palpable and sustaining a serious injury only fuelled it more. That Joe Coffey hasn’t been seen in a while. Or it hadn’t been until Barramania 2, when he had Red Lightning’s windpipe at his mercy as he demanded a match with the boss. Joe wins, he gets that title shot. Joe loses, he’s gone. Unfortunately it won’t be Red on the sharp end of Joe’s wrath due to an injury of his own (that wankers cramp patter is dire right enough, if you’re wanking enough that having a burst shoulder is a real possibility, you should do less wanking, or at least less wanking that places such an incredible strain on your shoulder) but Jester is a more than ample replacement and he’s in the firing line. He stands between Joe Coffey and his destiny. He stands between Joe Coffey and the ICW Champion.

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A lot of the problems Joe cited back then are still problems today. New and evolved versions of those problems. Mark Coffey has long since established a reputation in ICW as former Zero-G batterer of Fergal Devitt and 413 day Tag Team champion, yet still felt strongly enough about his current situation in the company to depart. Joe and Mark have been doing their own thing for a while now, but that’s still his brother. He will still have felt that and will still empathise with his situation even if it doesn’t directly affect Joe as much as it once did. The fact that it’s his brother is enough to suggest that the anger will still be there. The anger at still finding himself in the middle of the card after years of putting in shift after shift of top quality pro wrasslin will also be bubbling away and as much as keeping Joe away from the main event for a while has been storyline, the end result is still Joe Coffey not being in main events when he’s burst his arse to earn that spot. That has to breed something. A real bitterness amongst the wrestling façade. A real anger that simmers beneath The Mighty Wrestler front. A real desire to smash cunts behind the aesthetically pleasing warpaint. The Mighty Wrestler, Iron Man, Iron Spartan, painted up, elaborate entrances Joe Coffey is a guy you could see in NJPW. A guy you could see in WWE. A guy you could see anywhere in the world doing his thing. But is it the guy he needs to be to book his title shot against Big Damo and get back to where he belongs at the top end of the ICW card? Maybe not.

Maybe we need that wide eyed nutjob who knocked fuck out of Grado with a crutch. Blaming him for the injury that wiped out a chunk of his career and seeking vengeance. Maybe we need that psycho who took great pleasure in putting the cross armbreaker on Sean Maxer, pretty much pulling his arm out its socket and handing it to him, in his return match after his stint in Japan. Maybe we need the animal he stood toe to toe with Mikey Whiplash in a cage for SWA and took absolutely everything Whiplash had to throw at him only to prevail regardless and end his 3 year reign with the SWA Title. Maybe we need the guy who stood opposite his own flesh and blood in that very same cage a couple of years later and made us believe he actually wanted to inflict pain on his own brother. Maybe we need the guy who came out on top of two of the finest wrestling feuds I’ve seen in ICW with James Scott and Noam Dar respectively. Maybe that borderline animal with the chip on his shoulder is version of Joe that can overcome the odds and beat Jester in the face of certain hi-jinks. That’s the guy that could take 4 or 5 chokeslams from the Flexus Rattlesnake and get right back up. That’s the guy that can take 15 elbow drops off the bar, 4 tombstones and an apron legdrop and still come back for more. That’s the guy who could book his spot back where he belongs in the main event, allowing him and Damo to recreate the masterpiece they produced in Edinburgh last year, when (correct me if im wrong) Joe got a clean win over Damo. One of the few people who have managed that in ICW since he became the beast. There’s was no flurry of elbows knocking him daft that night because if there’s one advantage Joe has over many of Damo’s challengers is that he knows him inside out. That’s a fact that should give Damo a large dose of the fear. Its also a fact that could give us one of the best ICW Title matches in history.

Or what’s the alternative? Joe loses, leaves for good, and a section of fans leave with him. Its not even a question, its not something that should be shrouded in doubt, its a necessity. Joe Coffey must win. He has to. Somehow. Some way.

The 8 Favourites To Win The 2015 Square Go According To Snapmare Necks

sqgoIt’s here again, so let the rampant speculation as to who might win the fucking thing begin. A rumble comprising 30 human people is usually seen as a bit of a lottery, but even though I’m going to talk about a lot of potential winners here, there’s one very clear favourite in my eyes. A guy you’ll hear a bit about later. Until then we’ll talk about some other, less bear-like people who will probably give it a right good go themselves. Best of luck to them all. All 29 of you combined can’t match the immovable centre of gravity a certain big Irish guy possesses, but I think I’ve sooked up his erse enough for now. He’s also very agile. Ok, now I’m done.

1. Mark Coffey

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He’s my favourite for the Joe Coffey iron man challenge, but that still doesn’t stop this being a possibility. In fact, sack this. I’ve decided to cheat…

1 (REMIX) – Polo Promotions

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Is counting all 4 of them as a single entity perhaps bending the rules when it comes to list making? Of course it is. Do I gie a fuck? Or ever comply to any rules and regulations when it comes to writing? No. Of course no. Snapmare Necks was built off a foundation of rule breaking and snappy catchphrases, and thats why we are Polo Promotions biggest advocates on the internet. So if its THE REAAAAAL DEAL Mark Coffey, SCOTLANDS BEEEEEEEST WRESTLER Jackie Polo, Shagger Of The Century DCT, or a guy wae a whistle COOOOOACH TRIP. It might be Polo Promotions no matter what. Because team-work makes the dream work.

2. Joe Coffey

joeWell he entered as a favourite after an Iron Man match last year, so why not this year? He has a title shot in his back pocket, so what the fuck does he have to lose. Even running off fumes, some daftys can still be clotheslined over some ropes. Not a fuckin worry.

3. Mikey Whiplash

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He who has won a Square Go. Knows how to eh…win another one. So aye. In fact, as much as Whiplash deserves individual praise, I’m gonnae cheat for this one as well. Hold on.

3. Anyone who has previously won a Square Go or high profile Battle Royal

Can we rule Renfrew out? How much of a Renfrew thing would it be to cash in, lose and just go “fuck it, I’m winning this yin anaw”. Red Lightning is getting all the column inches here anaw, but he is the king of sleekitness and could make it happen if he’s had his spinach after he beats Joe 18-0 in the Iron Man match, but aye. Whiplash. In that sort of shape, having already won the fucker before, and having a faint aura scary bastardness about him. Especially with the prospect of Tommy End and Dante uniting with him. In fact, ye know what. I’m gonnae cheat again. Hold on.

3. Anyone who has previously won the Square Go, and The Sumerian Death Squad + Whiplash

sdsAye. All of these people could do it. This list is a fucking mess now but nae regrets. On to the next. An Ayrshire lad named Noam fuckin Dar. Hold the fuckin tae yer married though.

4. Noam Dar 

noamProgress are running a show on the same day, and I’m quite lazy so I’ve not actually checked if he’s on that card. If he’s not, I’m making him my own personal second favourite to win this. Well obviously he’s my first favourite in life, but this here battle royal he’s picking up the silver strap…I mean…..medal? Aye. That. Purely because he’s wee, and this other guy’s heavy big, but in terms of making sense wrestling wise, Joe Coffey vs Noam Dar for the ICW Title on some card, somewhere is a thing that makes more sense than all the other things combined.

5. Grado

gradoHave I included Grado for a reason to use that amazing photo of him and Hardcore Holly? Perhaps. Is that any business of yours? Aye. Of course it is. You are the audience and your opinion matters. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. Will Grado win it? I seriously doubt it considering his hauners are few and far between (I’m about to cheat again here btw) I mean he has the Buckies and maybe Fito at a push, but pretty much everyone else would like to put him out, and also, so would the Buckies and Fito if the chance presented itself. Sometimes it disnae pay to be a celebrity Grado mate. Anyway, there’s also the added alement of BUCKIES VS SHA AND STONE, and that will be used as an excuse to cheat again…

5 REVISED – Grado and The Buckies vs Sha and Stone

sha toneIf that becomes an all out war, everyone else might be a casualty of that. Does any of this patter actually matter when I’ve not spoke about my favourite yet? Probably. It’ll matter to someone anyway, but aye. Dont count big Sha or Stone out, because battering Grado seems to rev their engines, and a revved engine is the best kind of engine for winning Square Go’s. Know what else is good for it? Bucky.

6. Kid Fite

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Fito has been cracking for around a year. I keep saying that, but it’s true. Watch his wrestling things and tell me otherwise. The difficult thing for Fito when it comes to winning something like this is that a pair of exposed baws might actually do him a lot of good. How keen are you to go near a guy with his baws out? Exactly. So whilst I understand why Fito wanted to move away from that side of his game, the fact of the matter is, a win’s a win. If you need to whap yer meaty clackers out and show them to a bunch of men in a ring with you, fuckin dae it.

7. Big Damo

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And here we are. To my favourite. Would make more sense to list him last eh? None of this has made any sense anyway. It’s a top 8 and I’ve spoken about literally everyone with a chance apart fae maybe Divers. This is Big Damo’s to lose though. Simple as that, he’s the biggest, most imposing, most agile (for a bear), most angry, most hairy, most incredible, most experience in rolling beer barrels, most genetic likenesses to a wooly mammoth and last but not least, most likely to win the Square Go. I reckon it would make sense because he’s a believable winner/batterer in general, and he would be inclined to cash in the title shot in a straight up match because he’s not a shitebag, so it would stop the Square Go winner being a central storyline next year and leave it open to allsorts. As good as the Renfrew storyline has been, to keep it going for ages again would exhaust folk. So Damo is my personal favourite to win the fucker, and I was gonnae write that even before he pulled me up for not including him in the Joe Coffey article 😉

 

8. Kenny Williams

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So why keep Kenny Williams to last? Because he’s the most electrying man in Glasgow based sports entertainment? Aye. Thats exactly it. No gonnae dae that whole question talking thing for ages again and lead ye on, he’s purely last because he’s exciting and I want the reading experience to end on a high. How did ye find it anyway? I think typo wise its no bad, so that’s always good. Kenny keeps defending that title and winning those defences, so its natural that he should be looking to follow in the imaginary footsteps of the man he recently retired who claimed he intended to “take home all the titles…the heavyweight and the zero-g….because we know expected Joe Hendry, but instead its yer pal Kenneeee” I mean why the fuck not? Shawn Michaels can win a Rumble, Kenny Williams can win the Square Go.

SUPER SHOCK SURPRISE WAN

Jack Gallagher

Won The SWA Battlezone this year by making two Coffeys vanish. If that disnae make him a serious Square go contender, then I’m not the most entertaining Scottish wrestling blogger in the land. He might. But he probably wont.

To clarify, this blog is for entertainment purposes only. Any complaints regarding protocol can be referred to someone who gives a fuck. Enjoy the show everyone. It should be tremendous, and my body is ready. Is yours?

 

The Top 5 Potential Challengers To Joe Coffeys Iron Man Throne

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There comes a time in every man’s life where he has to face down his demons, look at them ruefully and go “ye fuckin whit mate? come ahead” There comes a time where a man must see a gargantuan challenge in front of him. A challenge almost as mighty as the man who issued it, and for once they don’t give in to the fear of the unknown. They don’t give in to the fear of Joe Coffey literally decapitating them with a lariat. That must lead us to ask. Who has the stones to step up and wilfully let Joe Coffey fling them about like wet washing for half an hour on Sunday? My best guess is naecunt. Or a lion wae 4 activated chainsaws taped tae its chest. However in this here article I will evaluate the potential human wrestlers who might actually sack up and grasp the opportunity to have the match of their life in front of 1,200 people, before Joe scurries away to Barramania so he can grasp that belt that has for so long seemed like its his destiny.

 

1. Lewis Girvan

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ICW are trying to get Lewis Girvan connected with the fans. The last Spacebaws show was a fine example of how established talent can you their status an in-ring ability to push an up and comer into the big leagues. It was also a fine example of how two guys can look exactly like each other, and there hasn’t been any sort of cloning process undertaken. I mean look at the who of them. They’re not even cousins or anything man. They come from two entirely different bloodlines and still look like fuckin THAT. They had a physically exhausting war that night, and Lewis Girvan’s stock has never been higher as a result. Add into the mix that Joe Coffey and Girvan had a wee bit of needle on commentary, and Joe delivered the sickest chop since Hardcore Holly chopped Renfrew wae live Piranhas taped to his palm, with Girvan at his mercy, makes this a sensible and intriguing possibility. Girvan is one of the few wrestlers in the country who could make half an hour of wresting Joe Coffey look like a fuckin breeze. Being the youthful wee bastard he is n that.

 

2. Mikey Whiplash

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Look at the fuckin shape this cunt’s in. I’ve been criticised a bit of my overuse of profanity in these things, but honest tae fuckin cuntin fuck, look at the shape. If that’s not a cunt capable of having the fuck knocked out of him for half an hour by Joe Coffey, whilst also dishing out a few fuck knockers himself, then I don’t know what stamina looks like pal. Also, him and Joe have tremendous chemistry. I’m rating it being Whippy as unlikely due to them both sort of being good guys these days, but as a wrestling match, nothing makes more sense than Coffey vs Whiplash. Well actually, theres maybe one option that does, but we’ll get to him in due course. Calm the beans. Make yersell a mug of green tae and relax. We’re just getting started here.

3. Liam Thomson

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I’m going to write a thing about potential Square Go winners as well, and I opted for Liam on this list instead of that one. Could have done both obviously, but thats not the fuckin point is it. The point is, a guy like Liam Thomson, without any real allies bar Carmel, has very little chance of winning a thing like the Square Go. Storyline wise though? Nothing makes more sense than Thomson answered the challenge after he toppled Coffey at the last show thanks tae some expert sleekitness. So see if he fancies it? I reckon he has first refusal, and the match would be tremendous. If he doesn’t, I suppose he could dwell backstage, telling groupies how he carries Kid Fite all these years, and how Carmel once burnt the edges on his salami and stilton toastie, and he expressed mild disappointment in the form of a sigh as a result.

Liam Thomson is the guy not wearing sky blue chinos in the photo btw. That’s our Lou King Sharp. Yer wrestler’s favourite maw….or eh…..something……

4. Tommy End

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Suppose you could call Tommy End the wildcard of the original list of 5 (spoiler…there is a proper wildcard at the end. I know eh! couldnae bloody help myself could I?) but how incredible would this fucking match be? Half an hour of two of the best heavyweights and Europe kicking the life out of each other, and selling a dazzling array of bendy lariats like their lives depend on it. This would not be a wrestling match, but a rich tapestry of storytelling, pappered by the crips crackling of spinal discs snapping via Boston Crabs and backbreakers. Aye. If Tommy End doesn’t answer the call, its SOMEONES duty to make this match happen at some point.

5. Mark Coffey

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I won’t lie, as much as I’ve made an effort making this a decent read. If its anyone but Mark answering the call I’ll personally be gutted. A Coffey vs Coffey match, for HALF A FUCKIN HOUR, with the Iron Man crown on the line? Chuck a slice of Cotsco cake and a pint of Disaronno and Coke (I mean eh…BEER!) and that’s perfection right there. I honestly can’t shake the image of Joe Coming out. Iron Man out his nut. Music still playing. He grabs the mic to issue his challenge, but his music keeps playing. He thinks it’s a mistake. Urges them to “cut his music” and (for some reason) Red Lightning appears via sattelite to explain that “Joe, now think about it mate….thats not JUST your music now is it?” Penny drops. Out comes his very own flesh and blood to attempt to batter him for a solid half hour. Nae breaks. Nae corner teams this time. Non stop action. Fuck yer spitbuckets, the only spitting that should be happening is these cunts spitting their teeth out after they lariat each other intae premature dentures. MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR FUCK SAKE. PLEASE. GOD.

SUPER MENTAL SURPRISE WAN

Red Lightning

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He’s in much better shape these days and it would be a decent way to re-introduce him to the audience as a wrestler. Particularly against an opponent who he knows well and knows he can have a good match with. Only question mark is stamina. Dropping some beef is fine, but wrestling a unit like Joe Coffey for half an hour requires more. It requires blending a full cow and drinking it as a milkshake (get it? good eh? naw? get tae fuck then) every day, and brushing yer teeth wae girders and rocsalt. It would be the only alternative to Mark Coffey that I’d personally mark out like fuck for though. Red Lightning is the Da.

Whoever it is, Joe Coffey could wrestle a a bit of hard skin aff yer Da’s heel and still make it something worth watching, so it’ll be a rare auld time regardless. No matter who it is, I’m fancying Joe to be standing opposite the ICW Champion at Barramania with his Iron Man crown still atop of his very own dome.

Credits to Warrior Fight Photography, David J Wilson, and probably other folk for the images. 

BT Gunn vs Wolfgang – The End Of The World (As We Know It)

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HERE TAM…LOOK AT THIS…LOOK…AHM JEFF HARDY….WEEEEEE

Dearie me. This is it eh?

There are very few matches in wrestling that can give you the feeling Wolfgang vs BT Gunn in a steel cage does. With the rivalry coming to boiling point, having seen them knock the utter fuck out of one and other for the best part of a year, this is the one. The brutality that was the Dog Collar Match will look like a stroll in the park with the dog after this. The last man standing match will look like some sort of really violent two-man yoga session compared to this. Even the massacre of Wolfgang in London will look like a surprise party compared to the pain these two are going to inflict on each other this Sunday. Renfrew vs Drew has a prize-fight sort of feel. Fuelled by the drive to win. Fuelled by mutual respect, and mutual disrespect at the same time. BT Gunn vs Wolfgang is a wee bit different. BT Gunn vs Wolfgang is driven by the basic human emotions we all experience in life from time to time. Frustration, unrequited love and the innate desire to knock fuck out of your cousin. Continue reading