The Daily Thing – Day Seventeen (Why Does Matt Hardy Move Like A Really Big Fat Guy)

mattps3

I know Matt Hardy has a wee belly right, I know this. But why does he move like he’s got led in his erse? I’m serious mate. Why does he move like he’s dragging a trailer fulla pig guts by his ankles? Naw seriously mate. Why?

He didnae always move like that. Used tae be quite spritely in fact. Like a young Marty Jannetty, or a really auld, kinda burst version of Ricochet. Where did it all go wrong? Did he no realise that the concrete mix he was snackin on would turn tae actual concrete when he drank water? Its a complicated saga, and tbh, it felt like the only topic I could cover today, having broken my brain yesterday writing a 7500 word dissertation about PROGRESS – Chapter 13. I considered stopping The Daily Thing, cause its served its purpose. It got me into a better routine writing wise, so I probably will gie it the chop soon, or at least change it to weekly or suhin, but I dunno. I just felt like this topic had to be covered. Someone has tae dig a bit deeper intae this.

Is it Litas fault? When ye find out yer burd’s shaggin yer pal, its always devastating, but did her betrayal make his vital organs slowly turn intae bags of pound coins?
Does he permanently need a shite? He’s got that ‘guy needin a shite’ waddle about him when he goes for any sort of move that requires him to shift faster than walking pace, so it might be that. Maybe he didnae even put on weight at all, he’s just been constipated for 10 years. Doctors official diagnosis at this stage is “Yer probably gonnae burst son” and he’s ok with it. His soul died a long time ago, so really, what else is there for Matt Hardy. He’ll keep on dragging his ledden erse round ROH and indie rings. Even the odd TNA ring as him and Willow get the old band back together, but will we ever find out why Matt Hardy moves like a much fatter man than he actually is? Does anyone actually give a flying fuck?

I’d like tae take this opporchancity and reach out to Matt. On the off chance that ye google yer name and find this ‘article’ please get in touch. If its emotional issues that make ye slow on yer feet, I’d like tae help talk it out wae ye. If its something grotesque and physical, I’d love the opportunity tae rip the piss out ye for it. If its cause ye swallowed a whole bag of flour for a dare and yer stomach’s baking bread….I’d like a slice of that bread mate.

Holla at me.

matttt

 

The Daily Thing – Day Sixteen (Santino Marella Retires)

santino

Santino Marella announced his retirement from in-ring competition yesterday due to a neck injury. To tell the truth, for the past 3 or 4 years he has grated on me something awful. Exact same routine since that iconic moment in the Royal Rumble where the cobra faced off against Mick Foleys socko. It’s almost as if WWE seen that moment and decided that wis it for Santino. Its that exact thing, with less Foley and more cringing, for the rest of your career. As a result his career pretty much stagnated and folk forgot that his up until that point, it was actually pretty fucking stellar. He was never one to be taken too seriously, but there was a dynamism about him that seemed to die on its arse over the past few years, and that’s a bit of a fuckin shame, cause its fairly rare to find a wrestler who can genuinely have you doubled over laughing, but performs equally well as a creepy as fuck heel, twanging anycunt who comes within 10 feet of his tidy wee burd. WWE is where dynamism goes to die in a lot of cases. With multi talented people being forgotten about, or used wrongly for years. Decades in some cases. Santino unfortunately fell victim to that. It seems whenever someone remembered he existed, he was reeled out for the same routine as before. Eat, sleep, mispronounce things, repeat.

Continue reading

The Daily Thing – Day Fourteen (Daveys Gonnae Die)

Hi. Martin Smith here. Some of you might know me as that guy who does the funny wee blog posts wae the slang through them. Some of you might know me as a friend. Some of you might know me as Martin Smiff wae the big beard. Some of you might know me as Marty Trousersnake. Some of you might know me as Glesgas own Ed Norton. Some of you might have read that last one, and thought tae yersel “That cunts no even fae proper Glesga, outskirts? Mare lit OUTCASTS!” and last but not least, some of you might know me as the most widely respected human being on planet earth.
All of you should know me as this though. All of you should know me as a fair man. I’m a guy who gives people chances. I’m a guy who for months encouraged his best mate to get creative again. After his music career stalled, and he found stagnation in his real life, I urged him to give writing a wee go. Here are some direct quotes.

Continue reading

The Daily Thing – Day Thirteen (Why You Should All Watch PROGRESS Chapter 13, immediately)

If you have your finger on the Indie Wrestling pulse, you’ll have probably heard that PROGRESS were giving away their Chapter 13 show for free due to issues with their hard camera on the night. I heard this and immediately thought “Yass…I’ll watch the fuck out of that” cause I’d heard numerous good things about PROGRESS, and was particularly intrigued to see Jimmy Havoc morph into the evil probably murderous bastard that I’d heard he portrays in PROGRESS, but I didnae see the show blowing me away as much as it did. Gonnae write a full review of it tomorrow, but for now, here’s some reasons why I think you should stop whitever stupid shite you happen to be doing right now (unless its performing surgery, you should probably finish that first) and watch it until you can’t watch anymore, watch it until yer eyes are bloodshot and weary. Watch it until…well, watch it until its finished. The whole show. Dae it.

1. Rampage Brown Continue reading