Rock tha Micra-phone.
Stereo…with the Dean Ambrose
When RAW starts wae Dean Ambrose on the mic, RAW starts aff properly. RAW starts aff the way god intended. His words weren’t spectacular. He told us The Shield are up more than they’re down, which is quite obviously a reference tae whit kinda swedge they’re intae, but he delivers the words in a way that makes me wantae tattoo his name on the back of my haun and go about slapping folk tae they get the message. Dean Ambrose is the guy. He will have justice one day.
Justice for Ambrose
Ah Cena. What a puzzle you are big yin. I went through an intense period of being mibbe overly pro-Cena for a bit there. I’d find myself waking up in the middle of the night wae dynamite ideas for slogans and once I’d jotted down the idea, I’d slowly walk towards a blackboard and write “Its ok if ye cannae dae a hurricanrana, it really is, I accept you” repeatedly tae the chalk became nuhin but dust. Ever since he entered this feud wae Bray Wyatt its aw changed. Don’t get me wrong, I respect the fuck out of Cena, both as a wrestler and as an ambassador for wrestling, but as a character? Naaaaaaah. No for me on this occasion. At times he’s been masterful at selling his fear for the work of Bray Wyatt, but since Mania the cunt has made me want surgically remove that square hairdo (square-do?) of his wae a machete. He just stoated oot this week n started saying “why?” ….why whit John? Why are you so acutely unaware of what wrestling fans want outta ye? Why is the sun round? Why does Bob Backlund always look like he’s stoatin about a car park lookin for his Ford Focus, when he’s drove a Cavalier aw alang? Who gies a shite. He actually cut a decent promo here right enough. His best since Mania. After lamenting the WWE Universes decision tae make him face all 3 Wyatts last week. He goes on tae big up everyone fae Daniel Bryan tae Sami fuckin Zayn, before warning us about the dangers of buying in tae Bray Wyatts message. Bray Wyatts message on a larger scale wisnae important the night though, he had a particular message tae be sendin Cenas way tonight, and that message wis “STOP EVERYTHING YER DAEIN AND IMMEDIATELY PISH YER JEAN SHORTS!”
Aye. Bray had a squad of weans oot singing He’s Got The Whole World in his hands, and it wis…..I don’t really have the words. Naw I dae. It wis fuckin scary. Chilling in the best way. They surrounded the ring in sheeps masks, like a merry band of tiny Erick Rowans, and continued tae drive home the message. Even the weans dont want ye anymore John. I mean there’s a gid chance this particular squad of weans are hired actors n that, but the message is that naecunt wants ye anymore. Yer time’s up. Yer tea’s oot. Its over. Find a new profession.
The way Bray almost narrated whit wis going on, as he urged the “Little bitty babies” tae sing with him. Laughin maniacally while one of them sat on his knee. “He’s got the whole Cenation…in his hands” was the cry, and even if that isnae quite the case yet, that has tae be the aim eh? Get aw these daft bairns that wear the wristbands, the heidbands, n the fuckin nappies or whitever else they sling wae his slogans on it, and turn them intae demons. Make them grow beards, get weird and disappear intae the mountains. Make them follow the buzzards.
For a lot of people pro wrestling blurs the line between entertainment and reality. Its an escape. A way tae leave the troubles you experience in every day life behind, and life vicariously through these superheroes. Superheroes who make a living fae kicking fuck outta their fellow superheroes, in a co-ordinated but chaotic way. Its organised chaos and at its best its fuckin captivating. It can make ye completely forget that this is all just a show. Ye become entrenched in these storylines, to the point of near delirium. It draws ye in, it makes ye believe obscene things to be true, and allows ye tae deny the blatantly obvious as it stares you in the face. Daniel Bryan has always been quite special in that regard, as he comes across as the everyman. A guy of average height and build, just like me and you (well he’s got smaller diddies than me, and probably didnae spend his Tuesday scrannin Jaffa Cakes, but thats no important right now) so the attachment tae him is a wee bit more real. When he was getting pumped fae aw angles in his pursuit of the WWE World Heavyweight Title ye felt like it was a personal slight, and when he finally prevailed at Mania, even if ye weren’t his biggest fan ye felt….somethin. A degree of pride. A happiness for him as a man, and as a wrestler, so when he came down the ramp tae start this weeks RAW, on the verge of tears, with his new wife Brie Bella waiting in the ring for him, yer heart just bled for the poor cunt. A wonderful 2 weeks, which should have been the launchpad for the best years of his professional and personal life, but life sometimes disnae want tae play ball.
There’s never a good time tae learn of the passing of a loved one, but when its someone as significant as yer father, and it comes at a time where pretty much everything ye could possibly want in life seems to be finally coming to fruition, its got tae be fuckin. I dunno. There’s nae words that dae it justice really, and while I admire his dedication for appearing on RAW at all this week, ye have to assume it was more of a tribute to his fathers memory than an overbearing love for the wrestling business, cause at times like these…the business just disnae matter. None of it does. Its a job at the end of the day. One Daniel Bryan does better than most, but one that really disnae matter a fuck. Get yersell up the road and gie yer wee mammy a cuddle Daniel san.
The segment was good and made hunners of sense, but I’ll no go on about it too much cause it just disnae matter. The pain etched on DBrys face as him and his new wife saluted the crowd in YES! chants wis heartbreaking, but perhaps it had never been more fitting as he thrust his fingers towards the heavens wae a wee bit more gusto than usual. . It was almost an act of staunch definace from DBry. Staunin out there in front of all those people, taking tombstone after tombstone from Kane, and huvin tae listen while Steph almost rips the pish out him as he gets wheeled up the aisle on a stretcher, when he probably just wanted tae go home. His auld da would have been proud of him. Basically the purpose of the segment was tae announce Daniel Bryan vs Kane for Extreme Rules, and the tombstones (one outside the ring, one on the steel steps and one on the announce table just incase yer wondering) helped sell Kane as a monster once again, but none of it mattered. What matters is that oor DBry is given as much time off as he needs.
I don’t think the news about Warrior really hit me until RAW kicked off this week. I know that’s daft, but I think it kinda went by in a haze for me personally. He’s no been a lasting favourite of mine. I remember being daft on him when I was wee, but as things started tae emerge about how he wis as a person, I found myself soured towards him. Ye’d like tae think a lot of that anger and resentment built up from his acrimonious relationship wae a business he once loved, but it still disnae excuse some of his more radical comments as a public speaker. That being said, its unquestionable that The Ultimate Warrior was a huge influence on professional wrestling, and pop culture in general. I know this’ll sound daft, but the reason I know that for certain is the simple fact that my maw remembers him. She remembers 3 wrestlers from back in the days when I used tae sit in the living room, watchin Summerslam 90 every other day, and the three are Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker and THEEEE ULTIMATE WARRRRRIOR. That says a lot tae me. A wee wuman wae nae interest in pro wrestling whatsoever. Sees it as a joke. But Warrior stuck in her mind. I don’t think ye could fail tae notice the boundless energy and enthusiasm he injected intae his work, and whilst he wis never a very good wrestler, he was involved in some of my favourite matches of the early 90s. Obviously that stoater wae Hogan where he won the WWE Title, but my personal favourite is the Steel Cage match wae Rick Rude at Summerslam 90. A beauty of a match, underrated as fuck. Anyway, I went away on a tangent there, but the point is. Warrior is clearly an inconic figure in wrestling history, and to see him pass away days after he finally made his peace with WWE after being inducted into the HoF…its saddening. More importantly he leaves two young daughters and a wife behind, so no matter what you thought of him as a person and a wrestler, that’s the main thing ye need tae remember. His family need tae adjust tae a life without him in it. The roster gathered on the stage tae watch a beautiful video package detailing his life and career, including the part of his HoF speech which seen him bring his two young daughters on stage and tell them that being their da will always be his greatest achievement. 3 days later he was deid. Fuckin…..there’s nae words. Wee Nattie and Cody Rhodes bawlin their hearts oot on stage anaw. R.I.P Ultimate Warrior.
Sometimes I litter these wee intro’s wae shite talk. A wee long winded joke or suhin. Lets ye settle in and sets the tone for whits tae follow, but this show needs none of that. This show spoke for itself, and it spoke loudly and proudly. It spoke wae its baws oot, and it spoke whilst waving them aboot. This is the post Wrestlemania RAW, and as usual, it was a wee bit special.
We start off wae a stunning wee video package for Daniel Bryan. WWE always fuckin nail these things eh? The VT for the Wyatt vs Cena feud was magical anaw, and this yin pretty much filled ye in on the whole Daniel Bryan story for anyone who might not have been in the know. Shows ye aw the heely goodness that we’ve had fae Triple H n Stephanie McMahon, and builds it up beautifully tae the moment he finally took the belts for keeps at Mania. I shed a wee tear. Nae shame. Wrestling has me again. In its fuckin clutches, and I think if ye call yersell a wrestling fan and yer no in the same boat, its probably best that ye stop kiddin yersell on. This isnae for you if ye haven’t found yersell totally invested, and on the verge of emotional wreckage after something that happened at Wrestlemania. Its over for ye. Deid fae the soul up. Pointless going on really int it? Can ye even taste food? Dae ye even crack a smile when birds chirp a merry tune while ye walk? I don’t think this is for you. This ‘life’ ye claim tae be living. Cause whit is life without the wee things that make yer heart race, and get lost in dalliances wae shirtless antics. Whit is life without the moments that send aw yer blood, sweat, tears and spunk spillin oot every orifice. Whits the point? whit is life without wrestling?
Sorry I got a bit carried away there, but I’m sittin here watchin Daniel Bryan lead a packed arena in a thunderous YES! chant, and I’m gettin emotional mate. Its been a turbulent few months for me personally anaw, and I feel like me n DBry have emerged fae it aw together. Climbed oot the wreckage as bearded brothers in arms….triumphant. He lets them chant his name for a gid 2-3 hours, before we eventually hear fae the champ. The champ is here. He lets us know about the stuggles he’s faced having tae raise his arms wae that YES! chant wae a title in each haun. Too heavy. Then…aw man, I cannae greet again. I’m aw cried out. Tear ducts are wilting. A fuckin “you deserve it!” chant? Come on tae fuck. I couldnae handle it. Too much emotion. Too much everything. If ye were losing interest in Daniel Bryan and his pursuit of the belt, the emotion involved in this promo must have brought ye back. Surely it did. It had tae.
Then the Beak came oot wae his delectable wench in the wee black dress. Guys I’m mildly obsessed wae the idea of seein these two pump. No gonnae lie tae ye. I think it would be refreshing tae sit down and watch a celebrity sex tape that ye don’t feel a deep sense of shame about chuggin yersell daft tae it. Aw I really need is tae see if Steph is as flexible as I imagine. Basically I envisage a scenario where she can wrap her legs roon a Range Rover and no split hersell in two. That’s aw I need tae see, anyway..they’re out tae shout at DBry for a while, but Hunter vows no tae get in the ring incase he does something tae DBr he might regret. DBry stauns right in his coupon and hoists they belts towards the sky as they aw bathe in another magnificent YES! chant. Trips announces that his wee moment is just that…a moment, its his show, and he’ll dae whit ye wants, and dye know whit he wants? a title shot. So he went n gied himself wan in the Main Event TONIGHT. Cracker of a main event tae be announcing right enough, but it also made yer erse clench up real tight cause there wis a very real concern that it might end before it even gets started. A wee part of me has a right chubby over the prospect of Trips in aw his beaky heely glory, staunin over stricken DBry n lifting the belts towards the sky as he toasts World Title reign number 14 wae his most proficient burial of all, but see at the same time? naw. Lets no dae that. Yer time’s been and gone Trips ma man, Daniel Bryan is here tae be at the forefront of the new era, and the futre’s bright. The future’s beard.
Awrite Taker? I’m no wan for ripping the pish outta legends or that, cept for aw the other times I’ve done exactly that, but Taker gies it the “old guy fawin aboot at the front door while he looks for his keys” stumble on the way in the ring, and gies it the typa patter yer mad uncle hits ye wae when he pulls ye aside at a family party. Haverin some shite here wis he no? jesus fuck man. I hink he bumped this promo straight ootae the wee bin Bray Wyatt keeps in his locker room wae the word “SHITERS!” on it. Apparantely the only things ye can be sure of in life is death, taxes and the streak. The fuckin Undertaker said that. The phenom. A guy I’m sposed tae fear and respect, gien me da patter. Da patter that’s even worse than my ain da’s shite patter.
I cannae even kid ye on, I fuckin hated this for the most part. Its the first angle Heymans been involved in during this run as a manager where I’m no intae his words, and of the 3 folk involved, Brock Lesnar is by far the most entertaining. Screechin aw err the place, and lookin like he’s shat his skants. Heyman gies it some patter, before Brock teases gaun intae the ring. There’s a lot of bobbin aboot ringside and tae me this shit wis draggin fuckin errrrrrrse. Its the last RAW before Mania ffs, lets rumble boayzies! Eventually efter tap dancin for a bit, a Heyman distraction gies Brock the opening tae get in amongst it. He sneaks behind Taker, but Taker is wise tae it and gets a jab or two in, but Brock isnae tae be bested this time. Knocks the auld bag ah bones doon wae a double sledge, before hoisting him up for a quite magnificent F5. Once again Brock fuckin Lesnar is the guy I care the most aboot, which is quite a remarkable turnaround considering I didnae have a minute of time for the cunt a year ago. He wont end the streak, but he left me kinda hoping he does here, so fair play tae the big boulderheided cunt.