WWE RAW Review 21/04/2014

For a lot of people pro wrestling blurs the line between entertainment and reality. Its an escape. A way tae leave the troubles you experience in every day life behind, and life vicariously through these superheroes. Superheroes who make a living fae kicking fuck outta their fellow superheroes, in a co-ordinated but chaotic way. Its organised chaos and at its best its fuckin captivating. It can make ye completely forget that this is all just a show. Ye become entrenched in these storylines, to the point of near delirium. It draws ye in, it makes ye believe obscene things to be true, and allows ye tae deny the blatantly obvious as it stares you in the face. Daniel Bryan has always been quite special in that regard, as he comes across as the everyman. A guy of average height and build, just like me and you (well he’s got smaller diddies than me, and probably didnae spend his Tuesday scrannin Jaffa Cakes, but thats no important right now) so the attachment tae him is a wee bit more real. When he was getting pumped fae aw angles in his pursuit of the WWE World Heavyweight Title ye felt like it was a personal slight, and when he finally prevailed at Mania, even if ye weren’t his biggest fan ye felt….somethin. A degree of pride. A happiness for him as a man, and as a wrestler, so when he came down the ramp tae start this weeks RAW, on the verge of tears, with his new wife Brie Bella waiting in the ring for him, yer heart just bled for the poor cunt. A wonderful 2 weeks, which should have been the launchpad for the best years of his professional and personal life, but life sometimes disnae want tae play ball.

There’s never a good time tae learn of the passing of a loved one, but when its someone as significant as yer father, and it comes at a time where pretty much everything ye could possibly want in life seems to be finally coming to fruition, its got tae be fuckin. I dunno. There’s nae words that dae it justice really, and while I admire his dedication for appearing on RAW at all this week, ye have to assume it was more of a tribute to his fathers memory than an overbearing love for the wrestling business, cause at times like these…the business just disnae matter. None of it does. Its a job at the end of the day. One Daniel Bryan does better than most, but one that really disnae matter a fuck. Get yersell up the road and gie yer wee mammy a cuddle Daniel san.

The segment was good and made hunners of sense, but I’ll no go on about it too much cause it just disnae matter. The pain etched on DBrys face as him and his new wife saluted the crowd in YES! chants wis heartbreaking, but perhaps it had never been more fitting as he thrust his fingers towards the heavens wae a wee bit more gusto than usual. . It was almost an act of staunch definace from DBry. Staunin out there in front of all those people, taking tombstone after tombstone from Kane, and huvin tae listen while Steph almost rips the pish out him as he gets wheeled up the aisle on a stretcher, when he probably just wanted tae go home. His auld da would have been proud of him. Basically the purpose of the segment was tae announce Daniel Bryan vs Kane for Extreme Rules, and the tombstones (one outside the ring, one on the steel steps and one on the announce table just incase yer wondering) helped sell Kane as a monster once again, but none of it mattered. What matters is that oor DBry is given as much time off as he needs.

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WWE RAW Review 14/04/2014

warrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I don’t think the news about Warrior really hit me until RAW kicked off this week. I know that’s daft, but I think it kinda went by in a haze for me personally. He’s no been a lasting favourite of mine. I remember being daft on him when I was wee, but as things started tae emerge about how he wis as a person, I found myself soured towards him. Ye’d like tae think a lot of that anger and resentment built up from his acrimonious relationship wae a business he once loved, but it still disnae excuse some of his more radical comments as a public speaker. That being said, its unquestionable that The Ultimate Warrior was a huge influence on professional wrestling, and pop culture in general. I know this’ll sound daft, but the reason I know that for certain is the simple fact that my maw remembers him. She remembers 3 wrestlers from back in the days when I used tae sit in the living room, watchin Summerslam 90 every other day, and the three are Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker and THEEEE ULTIMATE WARRRRRIOR. That says a lot tae me. A wee wuman wae nae interest in pro wrestling whatsoever. Sees it as a joke. But Warrior stuck in her mind. I don’t think ye could fail tae notice the boundless energy and enthusiasm he injected intae his work, and whilst he wis never a very good wrestler, he was involved in some of my favourite matches of the early 90s. Obviously that stoater wae Hogan where he won the WWE Title, but my personal favourite is the Steel Cage match wae Rick Rude at Summerslam 90. A beauty of a match, underrated as fuck. Anyway, I went away on a tangent there, but the point is. Warrior is clearly an inconic figure in wrestling history, and to see him pass away days after he finally made his peace with WWE after being inducted into the HoF…its saddening. More importantly he leaves two young daughters and a wife behind, so no matter what you thought of him as a person and a wrestler, that’s the main thing ye need tae remember. His family need tae adjust tae a life without him in it. The roster gathered on the stage tae watch a beautiful video package detailing his life and career, including the part of his HoF speech which seen him bring his two young daughters on stage and tell them that being their da will always be his greatest achievement. 3 days later he was deid. Fuckin…..there’s nae words. Wee Nattie and Cody Rhodes bawlin their hearts oot on stage anaw. R.I.P Ultimate Warrior.

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WWE RAW Review 07/04/2014 (POST MANIA RAW..GET HYPE)

 

Sometimes I litter these wee intro’s wae shite talk. A wee long winded joke or suhin. Lets ye settle in and sets the tone for whits tae follow, but this show needs none of that. This show spoke for itself, and it spoke loudly and proudly. It spoke wae its baws oot, and it spoke whilst waving them aboot. This is the post Wrestlemania RAW, and as usual, it was a wee bit special.

We start off wae a stunning wee video package for Daniel Bryan. WWE always fuckin nail these things eh? The VT for the Wyatt vs Cena feud was magical anaw, and this yin pretty much filled ye in on the whole Daniel Bryan story for anyone who might not have been in the know. Shows ye aw the heely goodness that we’ve had fae Triple H n Stephanie McMahon, and builds it up beautifully tae the moment he finally took the belts for keeps at Mania. I shed a wee tear. Nae shame. Wrestling has me again. In its fuckin clutches, and I think if ye call yersell a wrestling fan and yer no in the same boat, its probably best that ye stop kiddin yersell on. This isnae for you if ye haven’t found yersell totally invested, and on the verge of emotional wreckage after something that happened at Wrestlemania. Its over for ye. Deid fae the soul up. Pointless going on really int it? Can ye even taste food? Dae ye even crack a smile when birds chirp a merry tune while ye walk? I don’t think this is for you. This ‘life’ ye claim tae be living. Cause whit is life without the wee things that make yer heart race, and get lost in dalliances wae shirtless antics. Whit is life without the moments that send aw yer blood, sweat, tears and spunk spillin oot every orifice. Whits the point? whit is life without wrestling?

Sorry I got a bit carried away there, but I’m sittin here watchin Daniel Bryan lead a packed arena in a thunderous YES! chant, and I’m gettin emotional mate. Its been a turbulent few months for me personally anaw, and I feel like me n DBry have emerged fae it aw together. Climbed oot the wreckage as bearded brothers in arms….triumphant. He lets them chant his name for a gid 2-3 hours, before we eventually hear fae the champ. The champ is here. He lets us know about the stuggles he’s faced having tae raise his arms wae that YES! chant wae a title in each haun. Too heavy. Then…aw man, I cannae greet again. I’m aw cried out. Tear ducts are wilting. A fuckin “you deserve it!” chant? Come on tae fuck. I couldnae handle it. Too much emotion. Too much everything. If ye were losing interest in Daniel Bryan and his pursuit of the belt, the emotion involved in this promo must have brought ye back. Surely it did. It had tae.

Then the Beak came oot wae his delectable wench in the wee black dress. Guys I’m mildly obsessed wae the idea of seein these two pump. No gonnae lie tae ye. I think it would be refreshing tae sit down and watch a celebrity sex tape that ye don’t feel a deep sense of shame about chuggin yersell daft tae it. Aw I really need is tae see if Steph is as flexible as I imagine. Basically I envisage a scenario where she can wrap her legs roon a Range Rover and no split hersell in two. That’s aw I need tae see, anyway..they’re out tae shout at DBry for a while, but Hunter vows no tae get in the ring incase he does something tae DBr he might regret. DBry stauns right in his coupon and hoists they belts towards the sky as they aw bathe in another magnificent YES! chant. Trips announces that his wee moment is just that…a moment, its his show, and he’ll dae whit ye wants, and dye know whit he wants? a title shot. So he went n gied himself wan in the Main Event TONIGHT. Cracker of a main event tae be announcing right enough, but it also made yer erse clench up real tight cause there wis a very real concern that it might end before it even gets started. A wee part of me has a right chubby over the prospect of Trips in aw his beaky heely glory, staunin over stricken DBry n lifting the belts towards the sky as he toasts World Title reign number 14 wae his most proficient burial of all, but see at the same time? naw. Lets no dae that. Yer time’s been and gone Trips ma man, Daniel Bryan is here tae be at the forefront of the new era, and the futre’s bright. The future’s beard.

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WWE RAW Review 31/3/2014

GONG!

Awrite Taker? I’m no wan for ripping the pish outta legends or that, cept for aw the other times I’ve done exactly that, but Taker gies it the “old guy fawin aboot at the front door while he looks for his keys” stumble on the way in the ring, and gies it the typa patter yer mad uncle hits ye wae when he pulls ye aside at a family party. Haverin some shite here wis he no? jesus fuck man. I hink he bumped this promo straight ootae the wee bin Bray Wyatt keeps in his locker room wae the word “SHITERS!” on it. Apparantely the only things ye can be sure of in life is death, taxes and the streak. The fuckin Undertaker said that. The phenom. A guy I’m sposed tae fear and respect, gien me da patter. Da patter that’s even worse than my ain da’s shite patter.

I cannae even kid ye on, I fuckin hated this for the most part. Its the first angle Heymans been involved in during this run as a manager where I’m no intae his words, and of the 3 folk involved, Brock Lesnar is by far the most entertaining. Screechin aw err the place, and lookin like he’s shat his skants. Heyman gies it some patter, before Brock teases gaun intae the ring. There’s a lot of bobbin aboot ringside and tae me this shit wis draggin fuckin errrrrrrse. Its the last RAW before Mania ffs, lets rumble boayzies! Eventually efter tap dancin for a bit, a Heyman distraction gies Brock the opening tae get in amongst it. He sneaks behind Taker, but Taker is wise tae it and gets a jab or two in, but Brock isnae tae be bested this time. Knocks the auld bag ah bones doon wae a double sledge, before hoisting him up for a quite magnificent F5. Once again Brock fuckin Lesnar is the guy I care the most aboot, which is quite a remarkable turnaround considering I didnae have a minute of time for the cunt a year ago. He wont end the streak, but he left me kinda hoping he does here, so fair play tae the big boulderheided cunt.

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WWE RAW Review 10/03/2014

Bryan

“WE GOT US SOME ANNOUNCEMENTS JACK!”
“It’s Martin…ma name’s Martin”
“Alright brother, we got us a memorial rope trophy royal brother. 30 humans enter a bull pen, and the last man standing turns into Andre The Giant brother, yeah brother Jack”
“Whit you even on aboot?
“I dunno, I blacked out about 10 year ago and everything since has been confusion Jack!”
“Many times dae I huv tae tell ye, ma name’s Martin”
“Yeah brother. Like I told that chick I slayed in that porno movie I was in, if you not Jackin, then you aint my brother Jack! Brother Jack Jack brother, Hulkamaniacs”
“Mate you’re away wae it”
“MEMPHO!!!!!”

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WWE RAW Review 03/03/2014

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LOOOOK IN MA EYEEEEEEEEEEEEZ, WHAT DO YOU SEE?

Paul Heyman. I see Paul Heyman. That’s Paul Heyman so it is.

RAW opened with a pipebomb promo, in Chicago, and the guy who delivered the words came oot tae CM Punks music. Surely they widnae dae that tae us? Surely they widnae dae that tae a crowd who had openly spoken of their desire tae hi-jack the show and disrupt it as much as possible until CM Punk appears. Surely fuckin no, thats just too cruel int it? or it wid be in a universe where I gied a fuck about CM Punk. Naw really, I dont. He’s been away for aboot a year now. and yees need tae just get over it. I don’t sit in ma spare room every night perfecting my lifesized clay mould of him ataw, and I most certainly dont huv his promos playin in the background whilst I stare intently at C(lay) M(ould) Punk  and imagine he’s cuttin them on me. Naw. I dont care mate. You shouldnt either. WHY DID HE LEAVE ME THOUGH?

Heyman comes out tae a chorus of boos, cause this crowd clearly dont understand that Paul Heyman is their da. Button yer fuckin Punk chants and open yer ears. Heyman settles down in the middle of the ring wae the legs crossed, leaving us in nae doubt that he’s either trying hard tae imitate the Pipebomb promo, or he’s showin aff aw the extra flexibility he has since he started power pilates wae Brock.
He’s telling us a wee story about a Paul Heyman guy who they never really wanted. They didnae want him back then, and they dont want him now. His perseverance, and a magnificent balding man named Paul Heyman were his only allies. He’s Chicago born, Chicago raised, and still currently lives there today and his name is…..

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WWE RAW Review 24/02/2014

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It’s strange how a change of scenery can change yer perception on something eh. I remember a few months back when I first got back intae watching TNA, and I saw Hogan try tae steal the spotlight every fuckin week, chattin aw sorts of shite, gettin folk’s names wrang, forcing his bawjawed daughter on us and just generally ruining TNA from within. He didnae belong there. It’s as simple as that. TNA wis a company known for innovation, and being a viable alternative to the WWE. Never in danger of overtaking it in terms of market share, but a true alternative for wrestling fans. There’s nae space for a deluded auld cunt wae a misplaced sense of importance in a place like that, but in the WWE? Theres always a place. That’s why we’re gonnae continue tae see Triple H work dire WM matches when hes well intae his 50s, and fuds like Batista are tolerated. Cause the WWE is aw about makin that cash money ma man, and for aw his problems, and the current apathy a lot of wrestling fans have for the withered auld toad, he still sells t-shirts. His theme music could still pop any crowd in the world, and I don’t limit that tae wrestling either. Ye could play that fuckin thing at a Lionel Ritchie concert, n ye’d have middle aged wuman tying their blouses roon their heids and grilling youngsters aboot their vitamin and prayer intake. My point wae this wee ramble? Is there ever wan? Anyway, the point is. Hogan opened the show. Hogans theme opened the show, and whilst on the outside I kept the usual calm demeanour thats show me win numerous games of online checkers; on the inside I wis screamin like a wee lassie. A wee lassie who’d just been told she got tickets tae go n see The Singing Kettle no less! (or whitever the fuck weans are intae these days..Clifford The Big Rid Dug or suhin) Ye see when I wis a youngster, all I ever wanted tae be was Hulk Hogan. I thought that wis a real job. When Hulk retired, they’d be haudin vest ripping auditions for his successor. Me.

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WWE RAW Review 10/02/2014

henry

 

Betty White was a guest on RAW this week, and as much as a respect how much life she still has in her at 92, my overriding thought throughout was “whit?”

She comes oot, arm n arm wae Big Show, and its revealed that they’re dating, and Betty is expecting tae give birth tae a foot any day now. Trips n Steph interrupt this vile shit, tae show off just how fuckin shapely Stephs lookin these days, and tae gie the expectant mother a wee cuddle. Big Show shoots them heavy growlers, cause his role in this wee melodrama is that of the protector. Guarding his spawn, and his maiden in the face of danger. Erroneously Triple H n Steph think being nice tae Betty White gies them permission tae say words, and have me listen tae them. Triple H is aw “we said we’d CONSIDER Daniel Bryan to be the face of the company if he could beat Orton, no that he wid be for sure” and a man in the crowd is aw “I feel misled!” Me tae man in the crowd, me tae, and much respect tae ye for conveying yer feelings in a controlled manner.

Orton interrupts them by sliding down tae the ring on a slipstream of the “Arabian Beauty” body mist that gies him that rapey shimmer. Stephanie urges Randall tae get the fuck outta there, and Randy urges her to remain calm. He wisnae gonnae handcuff her husband tae the ropes, and gie her a sly winch this time.  It wisnae good. I dont care for his words. Disnae matter if he shouts them, whispers them, or dictates the fuckin things tae Morgan Freeman. They’re shite words. He wants tae be on cereal boxes and billboards. Daniel Bryan chants ring out throughout. Nae…cunt….gies….a….fuck.

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WWE RAW Review 03/02/2014

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Yer Davie Curren wrote last weeks RAW review as a “heel” so I dunno whit that makes me really. I’ve delivered too many impormptu brainbusters tae ma poor wee dug to ever qualify as a face. So I dunno. I’ll go wae nae angle ataw eh? Just yer usual slangy, sweary, tangent based review of a wrestling show. Infact naw. I’ll do it in the buff. I’m the naked reviewer. Infact nah…that cannae work either, I use a laptop so I cannae succumb tae burny baw syndrome for the sake of having an angle tae review wrestling shows from. Eh…………….I’VE GOT IT!

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